So the first attempt at giving Aidan a sibling has apparently failed. I really thought we had a good chance this time around, but nope. I'm technically 12 days late, but my latest pregnancy test is still telling me negative. I've had problems with AF ever since I had Aidan. Probably because I'm heavier than I've ever been in my life....I just don't get a period unless I'm on the pill. So not getting it at all is not really a surprise. The crappy part of it has been, I've been so hormonal lately (PMSing if you will), that I'd convinced myself I really was pregnant. But with each BFN (big fat negative for those that don't know) reality set it, and I got more and more bummed.
I know that it'll happen when it's supposed to. I know that this isn't the end, it was only one month. And now that my husband is getting ready to deploy, I know I can take the time to really discipline myself and lose the weight that I need to lose so that hopefully my cycle regulates and ups my chances. But none of that logic and reasoning numbs the longing for another baby. I feel guilty about that as well. I'm totally and completely beyond blessed with the child I have now. But I can't help but just want. And I don't want to wait. I wanted my children to be close together, not 3-4 years apart. But the Navy has had other plans. I'm having to plan my family around my husband's work schedule. Another upside to being active duty military. The entire situation is just so frustrating.
So here I am, taking out my funk on everyone else. There is no point in explaining to family about how I feel, since I can already foresee the response: "You can try again." And I really don't want to hear it. I already know. I just want something to make me feel better about it, and I'm still coming up short with answers as to what that might be. Until then, it's put on a brave face and act like we weren't even trying in the first place.
