In Limbo

Today was my first prenatal appointment, and it was one huge emotional roller coaster ride.  Unfortunately the appointment ended with feeling like I was in limbo.

First freak out of the appointment:  During the ultrasound I was watching the midwife's face as she was doing it, and she looked concerned.  Then she says, I have to call the doctor in here.  So I started freaking out and she says, "No no don't freak out I definitely see a baby, but I think I also see another one."

Enter freak out number 2:   It took the doctor a good (long) 2 minutes to get into the room, so the whole time I'm trying not to cry, trying not to freak out, wondering how I was going to handle two babies.

So the doctor comes in, and says, "No there's just one, that's just blood flow to the endometrium." and I was relieved....for all of about 3 seconds.

Freak out number 3:  He then explained that I'm only measuring 5w, 2d and I'm supposed to be around 8.  That's a huge difference.  He asked if there's any chance we could have conceived 3 weeks ago, and I told him, I guess, but I wasn't paying attention because we were taking a break from TTC until I could start the clomid.  He said since my cycles are so irregular, it's very possible that I conceived three weeks ago, and was still able to get a positive pregnancy test on Sept. 26th. 

I can't help it, but I'm still freaking out.  The midwife said the ultrasound looks completely normal for a 5 week ultrasound, and there's evidence of blood flow all around the sac which is a really good thing.  They took my blood to check my progesterone levels to make sure they're high enough to support baby development.  And then I go back in 2 weeks to make sure the embryo is still developing.  Even though everything looks good for now, still no heartbeat because it's too early, so no reassurance there. 

I have to keep going over it and over it, trying to talk myself into believing everything is OK.  I remember feeling extra frisky the week I went to the doc for the clomid, so I was probably ovulating.  And, I did have spotting about 4 days before I had the positive pregnancy test, so that could have been implantation bleeding.  But then I start doubting myself because my boobs were hurting so early in September and I hadn't yet ovulated or gotten pregnant, which makes me feel like there a possibility I DID conceive earlier and the embryo just stopped developing at 5w2d.

So now it's just a wait and see.  I'm trying not to think bad thoughts, and I'm trying not to be depressed, but it's just so hard.  DH keeps telling me not to stress over the lack of morning sickness like I had with Aidan because it's still too early. I honestly don't want to get my hopes up, just to be crushed.  And, if the worst case scenario happens I don't know how I'll be able to handle it.  It was so hard getting to this point, it's not as simple as "We'll just try again".  I just want everything to be OK, and I want nothing more than to have a healthy little baby.

I guess I just have to concentrate on getting through the next two weeks without getting too hopeful or too depressed.  I don't know how to just forget about it.  The midwife wants me to just act like I'm pregnant because I am according to the ultrasound.  But I don't know how to stop being so terrified that it'll all come crashing down on us.  They should be calling in a few days to update me on the results of the progestrone levels, and hopefully if that comes back normal I'll feel a whole lot better.  Until then, I guess I just have to find a way to preoccupy myself.

A wee bit anxious

Today I am 8 weeks, and tomorrow is my first prenatal appointment.  I hate to say it, but as excited as I've been, I'm still waiting for the metaphorical other shoe to drop.  I think it's because I feel so different with this pregnancy.  I'm not nearly as sick as I was with Aidan...the m/s just comes and goes randomly and never lasts very long.  I'm not cramping as bad as I did with Aidan either.  I do have hardcore symptoms like frequent trips to the bathroom, and my boobs.....ohhhhh my boobs....I think it would be better if someone chopped them off with a knife!  They hurt so bad, I wince every time I hug my husband.  I feel emotional and I've got the food cravings.  But it still feels so different.

So tomorrow, I'm just praying that they tell me everything looks great.  I want nothing more than to see and hear a little heart beating.  Maybe after I see my little bean, I'll feel a whole lot better.

Exciting News!

I'm a little delayed in writing this blog, but better late than never! 

As promised in my last entry, I did in fact POAS on Sunday morning.  I rolled out of bed shortly after my husband did, at 9 am.  For the first time, I wasn't excited about POAS either.  I took my time, and set it down on the counter while I put my contacts in.  I was leaning over the test, fumbling for my contacts case in the drawer right below it, as I watched the wetness spread across the little window.  I always do this to make sure the test line shows up so I know I did the test right lol.  But this time was different...right away, before the wet spot spread to where the test line is supposed to be, I saw the second line.  I literally rubbed my eyes because I thought I was seeing things.  I felt my body start to shake as I realized what was happening....it was like I was dreaming, there's no way there was a second line in that window! 

Time for a second opinion.  I ran out of the bathroom and swung the bedroom door open to find my husband sitting on the couch on the computer.  All I could do was point toward the bathroom with this look on my face.  He thought he was going to have to kill the mother of all spiders (he told me so later on).  He followed me into the bathroom and I asked him what he saw on the stick.  He said, "I see 2 lines....what's 2 lines???".  Two lines means WE'RE PREGNANT!!!!!  I couldn't help but cry...I was so overwhelmed!  Casey said to me, "Why are you crying?  I thought you wanted this?!?".  I couldn't explain it....this was pure shock, I thought for sure we were going to need the clomid to help us!  

So, it has set in, little by little, that we have succeeded.  We will finally have the addition to our family that we have been trying for a long 10 months to have.  Needless to say our families are thrilled as well.  Everyone keeps asking how I'm feeling.  Honestly, I'm feeling pretty good at this point.  My only symptoms are the sore boobs, being "backed up", and the constant fatigue.  I can't believe this is actually happening...but I have to say, being this surprised is way more fun than expecting it!!!  With Aidan, I knew I was pregnant, I was just waiting for the damn stick to agree with me!  This time around, I honestly had no idea.  Peeing on the stick was merely a psychological ploy to bring on AF. 

Anyway, so I had the pregnancy confirmed at the base clinic yesterday.  It took me 3 hours but I left with the same smile on my face, if that tells you exactly how happy I am lol.  After leaving I immediately called my OBGYN and my first appointment is in 2 weeks!  I'm not 100% sure of my due date since I had a negative pregnancy test on September 14th and my cycles have been so irregular.  But hopefully I'm not too far off, and I'll be due around the 24th of May.

Stay tuned for more updates, I'm sure there will be plenty more to come!  Oh and here's the picture that I posted on FB to share our happy news. 

COME ON!!!!!

OK, about 2 weeks ago I went to the OBGYN and they gave me a scrip for Clomid, which I can start on days 5-10 of my cycle.  Well here we are going into week SIX of my current cycle and still no AF.  This HAS to be some kind of joke.  My boobs have been killing me for three weeks....I honestly forgot what it was like to lay on my tummy and not hurt myself....I can't even hug Casey without wincing.  I've been hella tired for the last week...to the point where I've taken up drinking coffee, and if you know me, you know I don't do coffee.  I've been crampy, bloated, and constipated like whoah (not apologizing for being TMI, this is my blog after all).  I've been craving foods left and right that I should soooooooo not be eating.  Just now I saw a commercial for the KFC fried chicken sandwich with no bread...you know, the one that has bacon, pepperjack cheese, and spicy sauce smothered in between two deliciously friend pieces of chicken????  Yeah, fighting the urge to run out and buy, as I type, right now.  This really is the never ending PMS cycle from HELL.

So I've come up with a solution.  Tomorrow morning I will pee on a stick (which shall now be known as POAS from this point on).  And one of two things should happen:  either I get a BFP (big fat positive) or AF finally shows up later in the day, possibly the next morning.  I'm thinking the latter of the two since the doc did a pregnancy test before she gave me the clomid scrip.  Either way, I'll be thrilled. 

I know some of you might be confused.  Why so anxious to start the five day stretch most women loathe to endure every month???  I'm not crazy, I promise...I just want another baby.  As long as I'm stuck in this PMS cycle, there is no chance of making baby #2.  I need my next cycle to start so I can take my Clomid, get all my blood tests done, and finally get some answers as to what the heck my body is doing.

So.....keep your fingers, toes, arms, legs, and eyes all crossed tight for me.  I really need something to give...

been far away for far too long...

OK...well I haven't blogged for a hot minute.  Lets seeeeeeee.....major points I need to catch up on:

1) My baby turned TWO at the end of March!!!  Can't believe it's been that long!!! 

2) Also in March, I was diagnosed with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome), which is why we're having trouble TTC #2.

3)  In April I celebrated my 26th birthday ::hide:: AND chopped off my hair and donated it to Locks of Love.  Here is the end result:

4)  In May, Casey returned home from his LAST deployment before shore duty!!  We celebrated by having a photographer take photos of us on the beach (see my two new pictures at the end of my blog).
5)  In June we went to Disney with my family.  We had an amazing time!!

6)  Also, we updated the kitchen in our house, buying new countertops and a new oven.  We're slowly making progress on this place, and both the hubs and I are thrilled with how it's looking so far.

7)  In July, the in-laws came to visit, and at the end of August we left for our yearly trip to Louisiana.  While we were there I went on my first dove hunt!!  It was absolutely AWESOME.  I was soooooo made to shoot a gun!

Now on to present day.  I'm still in school, with a kick ass GPA of 3.97 and I scored two grants to help with tuition.  We're still not pregnant, but I just started seeing a doctor who is willing to help us.  She checked my thyroid and that came back normal, so I can start my first round of clomid this month!  I'm excited to see if this is what we needed to help us make Aidan a big brother.

Also, Casey started shore duty at the beginning of the week!  It is amazing that I won't have to endure another deployment for the next three years.  I'm absolutely ecstatic that I get to enjoy my husband, uninterrupted until he goes back to a boat.

That's pretty much it, I've hit all the major points from the first part of this year.  We still have a LOT that we're looking forward to though.  I can hardly believe 2010 is more than halfway over, time is just flying right by.  Before you know it, we'll be heading back to Guam...