Last week was horrible. After Friday I began to feel a little better because I thought if the doctor's office had bad news, they would have called me right away. But when I woke up this morning, all I could think about were knowing for sure what the test results said.
So I called, and spent 15 minutes on hold while the doctor was talking to a patient in his office. Apparently my results had just come in that morning (which threw my bad news theory out the window) and they were in his office, but the nurse couldn't interrupt them, so she said she'd call me back. The waiting was agonizing. All my old doubts came back and I felt so anxious. Finally she called back and went through everything...I mean everything! HIV and STD screening came back negative, I'm type A negative, blah blah, blah...I know all that!!! Finally she said, "OK, hCG is nice and high, and progesterone is 7.1, and you're about 5 weeks...". So I asked, "My hormone levels are good for 5 weeks along?" She plugged them into the computer and said "Yup, hormones consistent with a 5 - 6 week pregnancy!"
THANK GOD! So, thanks to my PCOS, we just conceived 3 weeks later than we thought we did. Actually, that means we conceived after I was given the scrip for my clomid, talk about funny. And I know I'm not in the clear until I'm out of the first trimester...we still need to hear a heart beat at our next visit on the 28th. But I have so much more hope now, and I'm a lot happier than I have been the last couple of days. So YAY! And thank you so much to all those who called to check up on me, and sent their prayers and good vibes my way. I'm so incredibly blessed to have such an amazing support system of both friends and family. Love you all!
18 October 2010
16 October 2010
Waiting, waiting, more waiting....
So I gathered up the courage to call the doctor's office yesterday to find out the results of my blood work. Unfortunately they were closed early for the day. However, they didn't call me in the morning, and I feel like if they had bad news, they definitely would have. So I'm slightly more optimistic than before. But my defensive side still won't let me be excited about it.
I guess there's nothing more to do but just wait a little more. Hopefully Monday we'll have some definitive answers. I'm tired of analyzing every single little symptom wondering if they're disappearing or not. I definitely won't last until our next doctor's appointment. So keep the positive thoughts and prayers coming, they are still much appreciated!
I guess there's nothing more to do but just wait a little more. Hopefully Monday we'll have some definitive answers. I'm tired of analyzing every single little symptom wondering if they're disappearing or not. I definitely won't last until our next doctor's appointment. So keep the positive thoughts and prayers coming, they are still much appreciated!
14 October 2010
Heavy-Hearted
I'm a mess. I can't help but just want to crawl into a ball and cry my eyes out. I've been trying hard to just not think, but I really can't. I just have this gut feeling it's not going to be OK and I can't shake it. No matter how hard I try....I just know they'll be calling me to tell me my progesterone levels are way low. I really wish I could just shut it off and stop feeling so depressed, but I can't. I just want the same optimism everyone else has....
13 October 2010
In Limbo
Today was my first prenatal appointment, and it was one huge emotional roller coaster ride. Unfortunately the appointment ended with feeling like I was in limbo.
First freak out of the appointment: During the ultrasound I was watching the midwife's face as she was doing it, and she looked concerned. Then she says, I have to call the doctor in here. So I started freaking out and she says, "No no don't freak out I definitely see a baby, but I think I also see another one."
Enter freak out number 2: It took the doctor a good (long) 2 minutes to get into the room, so the whole time I'm trying not to cry, trying not to freak out, wondering how I was going to handle two babies.
So the doctor comes in, and says, "No there's just one, that's just blood flow to the endometrium." and I was relieved....for all of about 3 seconds.
Freak out number 3: He then explained that I'm only measuring 5w, 2d and I'm supposed to be around 8. That's a huge difference. He asked if there's any chance we could have conceived 3 weeks ago, and I told him, I guess, but I wasn't paying attention because we were taking a break from TTC until I could start the clomid. He said since my cycles are so irregular, it's very possible that I conceived three weeks ago, and was still able to get a positive pregnancy test on Sept. 26th.
I can't help it, but I'm still freaking out. The midwife said the ultrasound looks completely normal for a 5 week ultrasound, and there's evidence of blood flow all around the sac which is a really good thing. They took my blood to check my progesterone levels to make sure they're high enough to support baby development. And then I go back in 2 weeks to make sure the embryo is still developing. Even though everything looks good for now, still no heartbeat because it's too early, so no reassurance there.
I have to keep going over it and over it, trying to talk myself into believing everything is OK. I remember feeling extra frisky the week I went to the doc for the clomid, so I was probably ovulating. And, I did have spotting about 4 days before I had the positive pregnancy test, so that could have been implantation bleeding. But then I start doubting myself because my boobs were hurting so early in September and I hadn't yet ovulated or gotten pregnant, which makes me feel like there a possibility I DID conceive earlier and the embryo just stopped developing at 5w2d.
So now it's just a wait and see. I'm trying not to think bad thoughts, and I'm trying not to be depressed, but it's just so hard. DH keeps telling me not to stress over the lack of morning sickness like I had with Aidan because it's still too early. I honestly don't want to get my hopes up, just to be crushed. And, if the worst case scenario happens I don't know how I'll be able to handle it. It was so hard getting to this point, it's not as simple as "We'll just try again". I just want everything to be OK, and I want nothing more than to have a healthy little baby.
I guess I just have to concentrate on getting through the next two weeks without getting too hopeful or too depressed. I don't know how to just forget about it. The midwife wants me to just act like I'm pregnant because I am according to the ultrasound. But I don't know how to stop being so terrified that it'll all come crashing down on us. They should be calling in a few days to update me on the results of the progestrone levels, and hopefully if that comes back normal I'll feel a whole lot better. Until then, I guess I just have to find a way to preoccupy myself.
First freak out of the appointment: During the ultrasound I was watching the midwife's face as she was doing it, and she looked concerned. Then she says, I have to call the doctor in here. So I started freaking out and she says, "No no don't freak out I definitely see a baby, but I think I also see another one."
Enter freak out number 2: It took the doctor a good (long) 2 minutes to get into the room, so the whole time I'm trying not to cry, trying not to freak out, wondering how I was going to handle two babies.
So the doctor comes in, and says, "No there's just one, that's just blood flow to the endometrium." and I was relieved....for all of about 3 seconds.
Freak out number 3: He then explained that I'm only measuring 5w, 2d and I'm supposed to be around 8. That's a huge difference. He asked if there's any chance we could have conceived 3 weeks ago, and I told him, I guess, but I wasn't paying attention because we were taking a break from TTC until I could start the clomid. He said since my cycles are so irregular, it's very possible that I conceived three weeks ago, and was still able to get a positive pregnancy test on Sept. 26th.
I can't help it, but I'm still freaking out. The midwife said the ultrasound looks completely normal for a 5 week ultrasound, and there's evidence of blood flow all around the sac which is a really good thing. They took my blood to check my progesterone levels to make sure they're high enough to support baby development. And then I go back in 2 weeks to make sure the embryo is still developing. Even though everything looks good for now, still no heartbeat because it's too early, so no reassurance there.
I have to keep going over it and over it, trying to talk myself into believing everything is OK. I remember feeling extra frisky the week I went to the doc for the clomid, so I was probably ovulating. And, I did have spotting about 4 days before I had the positive pregnancy test, so that could have been implantation bleeding. But then I start doubting myself because my boobs were hurting so early in September and I hadn't yet ovulated or gotten pregnant, which makes me feel like there a possibility I DID conceive earlier and the embryo just stopped developing at 5w2d.
So now it's just a wait and see. I'm trying not to think bad thoughts, and I'm trying not to be depressed, but it's just so hard. DH keeps telling me not to stress over the lack of morning sickness like I had with Aidan because it's still too early. I honestly don't want to get my hopes up, just to be crushed. And, if the worst case scenario happens I don't know how I'll be able to handle it. It was so hard getting to this point, it's not as simple as "We'll just try again". I just want everything to be OK, and I want nothing more than to have a healthy little baby.
I guess I just have to concentrate on getting through the next two weeks without getting too hopeful or too depressed. I don't know how to just forget about it. The midwife wants me to just act like I'm pregnant because I am according to the ultrasound. But I don't know how to stop being so terrified that it'll all come crashing down on us. They should be calling in a few days to update me on the results of the progestrone levels, and hopefully if that comes back normal I'll feel a whole lot better. Until then, I guess I just have to find a way to preoccupy myself.
12 October 2010
A wee bit anxious
Today I am 8 weeks, and tomorrow is my first prenatal appointment. I hate to say it, but as excited as I've been, I'm still waiting for the metaphorical other shoe to drop. I think it's because I feel so different with this pregnancy. I'm not nearly as sick as I was with Aidan...the m/s just comes and goes randomly and never lasts very long. I'm not cramping as bad as I did with Aidan either. I do have hardcore symptoms like frequent trips to the bathroom, and my boobs.....ohhhhh my boobs....I think it would be better if someone chopped them off with a knife! They hurt so bad, I wince every time I hug my husband. I feel emotional and I've got the food cravings. But it still feels so different.
So tomorrow, I'm just praying that they tell me everything looks great. I want nothing more than to see and hear a little heart beating. Maybe after I see my little bean, I'll feel a whole lot better.
So tomorrow, I'm just praying that they tell me everything looks great. I want nothing more than to see and hear a little heart beating. Maybe after I see my little bean, I'll feel a whole lot better.
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