I'm officially in the two week wait (aka 2WW). It will be two long weeks before we find out if this round of clomid was successful or not. Well, let me rephrase. My blood draw on the 21st will determine of the clomid did it's job...we won't find out if Casey's swimmers found their way to the right spot until the last week in January. I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm anxious...I'm all over the place! I have two pregnancy tests sitting in the cabinet under my sink. I know that if and when I get the news that my progesterone levels look good, it will take ALL of my will power to not pee on them! I will admit, I'm a POAS addict, but unfortunately our wallets can't support such a habit. I could start buying the 99 cent tests, but those don't make for good pregnancy announcement pictures to put on Facebook/ASA/JM.
So there we go. I'm feeling like my seven year old self, waiting the two weeks before Christmas, wishing time would just speed up. I just want to know one way or the other. The not knowing is the crappy part. Once you find out for sure you're not, it's one day of bummer, and then you start planning for next month. The not knowing makes you feel like you're in limbo, where you can't help but overanalyze every little possible symptom. It's enough to drive someone mad. I'm just praying I can find enough to do in the next two weeks that will make time go by faster.
14 January 2011
12 January 2011
Funny Thing
Even though I get weepy more easily because of these raging hormones, I have also found I also get happy highs. Sometimes it'll hit me and I'll be so optimistic about doing the clomid this month, and I'll get on this happy high, felling like for sure this is it for us. It's weird...sometimes I'm just so unsure, and then five minutes later I'll be on this "WOO HOO I can't wait to see two pink lines at the end of the month!" kick.
Another weird thing....I'm wanting a girl. SHOCKER, I know. I mean I really really really want my little Jackson. But I feel like if it were a girl, I'd be equally as happy. Not so long ago I was dreading the thought of conceiving a girl because we'd have to get all new things, and I'd have to do pink (bleh) and enjoy teenage girl drama down the road. Now is different...I think maybe the whole miscarriage thing put it into perspective for me. I'd be blessed to have either, boy or girl, it doesn't matter.
So hurry up January, geez, you're going by so slow! I just want to know, is this really it for us? Dare I get my hopes up? I think so....yes, I do think my hopes are up.
Another weird thing....I'm wanting a girl. SHOCKER, I know. I mean I really really really want my little Jackson. But I feel like if it were a girl, I'd be equally as happy. Not so long ago I was dreading the thought of conceiving a girl because we'd have to get all new things, and I'd have to do pink (bleh) and enjoy teenage girl drama down the road. Now is different...I think maybe the whole miscarriage thing put it into perspective for me. I'd be blessed to have either, boy or girl, it doesn't matter.
So hurry up January, geez, you're going by so slow! I just want to know, is this really it for us? Dare I get my hopes up? I think so....yes, I do think my hopes are up.
10 January 2011
Oh hormones...you kill me.
For a couple of days there, I was seriously afraid the Clomid dose wasn't enough. I kept hearing about these hot flashes and mood swings, but I just wasn't seeing it. Not until yesterday, anyway. My last day of the Clomid treatment and the hormones just slapped me upside the head. I know this because I fought with my husband yesterday...I mean really fought with him. We've had disagreements, but I can count on one hand how many times it escalated to the point where one of us left the house in frustration and anger. I'm not placing blame on the Clomid, just wondering if it had exacerbated the problem. I probably would have been annoyed with everything that happened, but I don't know if I would have taken everything so personally, had I not had so much estrogen coursing through my body.
I feel badly that things got so out of hand. I despise fighting with my husband...I can't stand to be mad at him and I hate when he's upset with me. But I couldn't help it. There was one point I was so filled with rage, I didn't know what to do with myself. So I left. I took the keys and took off to try and calm down. I didn't want to break anything or act insane in front of my son, so I did the only thing I could think of. Unfortunately it did not go over well with Casey, but like I said...I was more angry than I can ever remember being. When I came back, I tried explaining what was wrong as calmly as I could, but it wasn't working. I must have been drunk with estrogen, because hard as I tried, I couldn't articulate what the problem was, I could only yell and cry. And you know how I know it was hormonal??? Because amid all of the rage and the anger, I looked in my husband's eyes and I was so sorry it had gotten to this point, I just cried. From anger to sadness in 2.5 seconds. Now tell me that isn't frustrating...especially when you're in the middle of an argument that has yet to be resolved.
Anyway, after I hopped off the proverbial emotional roller coaster, I took a minute to collect my thoughts and speak rationally. We resolved our issue, said our apologies (we were both at fault) and moved on. But all day today it's been nagging at me. Hindsight is 20/20 and had my husband even mentioned hormones last night I might have strangled him. But I can't help but wonder, how would it have gone if there was no extra estrogen floating around? Could I have kept a level head and just hashed it out reasonably like we always do? I wish I could say for sure, but I honestly have no idea.
I don't know if I can handle monthly rounds of this kind of insanity, but I don't see any other option. I suppose it could be worse...this is only the minimum dose of Clomid. Godforbid they increase the dosage, I'll have to sequester myself to prevent creating another emotional nightmare lol. Yet another reason for me to hope against hope against hope that this is it for us...this month is the month.
I feel badly that things got so out of hand. I despise fighting with my husband...I can't stand to be mad at him and I hate when he's upset with me. But I couldn't help it. There was one point I was so filled with rage, I didn't know what to do with myself. So I left. I took the keys and took off to try and calm down. I didn't want to break anything or act insane in front of my son, so I did the only thing I could think of. Unfortunately it did not go over well with Casey, but like I said...I was more angry than I can ever remember being. When I came back, I tried explaining what was wrong as calmly as I could, but it wasn't working. I must have been drunk with estrogen, because hard as I tried, I couldn't articulate what the problem was, I could only yell and cry. And you know how I know it was hormonal??? Because amid all of the rage and the anger, I looked in my husband's eyes and I was so sorry it had gotten to this point, I just cried. From anger to sadness in 2.5 seconds. Now tell me that isn't frustrating...especially when you're in the middle of an argument that has yet to be resolved.
Anyway, after I hopped off the proverbial emotional roller coaster, I took a minute to collect my thoughts and speak rationally. We resolved our issue, said our apologies (we were both at fault) and moved on. But all day today it's been nagging at me. Hindsight is 20/20 and had my husband even mentioned hormones last night I might have strangled him. But I can't help but wonder, how would it have gone if there was no extra estrogen floating around? Could I have kept a level head and just hashed it out reasonably like we always do? I wish I could say for sure, but I honestly have no idea.
I don't know if I can handle monthly rounds of this kind of insanity, but I don't see any other option. I suppose it could be worse...this is only the minimum dose of Clomid. Godforbid they increase the dosage, I'll have to sequester myself to prevent creating another emotional nightmare lol. Yet another reason for me to hope against hope against hope that this is it for us...this month is the month.
04 January 2011
Tomorrow is D-Day!
Well....tomorrow is CD 5, which means I start clomid! I'm going to put up sticky notes all over so I don't forget to take my pill lol. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. So many things are going through my mind. I don't know if this is going to put more pressure on us, or take some pressure off. I'm really hoping this dose is enough to get the job done!
For those of you who don't know what clomid is or how it works, I'll explain what I've read. Basically my body doesn't ovulate. The hormone balance needed to produce and release an egg every month is off, so I can go for months and months and months without ever ovulating or having a cycle. The metformin was helping to correct that balance and allowing me to ovulate more often (but still not regularly) and that's how I got pregnant in September. However, the side effects from the metformin made me miserable. Thankfully clomid is another option. Basically clomid will block the estrogen receptors in my brain and trick my body into thinking there isn't enough estrogen. In turn my body will produce more estrogen than it normally does, allowing me to produce a mature follicle. There is a minute chance (about 7% according to my doctor) there will be more than one egg released, resulting in twins, but that's a chance I'm willing to take! Possible side effects of taking clomid are hyperovulation, where the ovary just keeps producing eggs, which can also result in a loss of the ovary. Also, a thinning of the uterus which can increase chances of miscarriage (but that's from long term use). With every dosage increase, the chances of these side effects increase. That's why I'm hoping this minimal dose works.
So we'll see! I've heard clomid makes you an emotional mess, so that should be fun. I can't even worry over it too much. All I can think about is, by this time next week, we could be making a baby!
For those of you who don't know what clomid is or how it works, I'll explain what I've read. Basically my body doesn't ovulate. The hormone balance needed to produce and release an egg every month is off, so I can go for months and months and months without ever ovulating or having a cycle. The metformin was helping to correct that balance and allowing me to ovulate more often (but still not regularly) and that's how I got pregnant in September. However, the side effects from the metformin made me miserable. Thankfully clomid is another option. Basically clomid will block the estrogen receptors in my brain and trick my body into thinking there isn't enough estrogen. In turn my body will produce more estrogen than it normally does, allowing me to produce a mature follicle. There is a minute chance (about 7% according to my doctor) there will be more than one egg released, resulting in twins, but that's a chance I'm willing to take! Possible side effects of taking clomid are hyperovulation, where the ovary just keeps producing eggs, which can also result in a loss of the ovary. Also, a thinning of the uterus which can increase chances of miscarriage (but that's from long term use). With every dosage increase, the chances of these side effects increase. That's why I'm hoping this minimal dose works.
So we'll see! I've heard clomid makes you an emotional mess, so that should be fun. I can't even worry over it too much. All I can think about is, by this time next week, we could be making a baby!
01 January 2011
Starting Another TTC Journey
Well, here we go again. Today is officially CD 1...I didn't plan it to be that way, but I suppose it's fitting. I'll be starting clomid on CD 5 and take it until CD 9 (the minimal starting dose), hopefully ovulating around CD 11-13. On CD 21, I'll be heading into the doctor's office to check my progesterone levels and make sure the clomid worked (keeping my fingers tightly crossed on that one). Shortly thereafter, barring any problems with the dose of clomid, I'll be testing like a mad woman at the end of January (AF due on/around the 28th). I'm anxious....a little nervous, and dare I say, a tad bit excited? I'm not sure, but I do know that I'm trying hard to a) not get my hopes up, and b) not be pessimistic. I'm finding that it requires a bit of work to be neither hopeful nor cynical, but I'm up for the challenge.
Physically, I'm OK. I'm still bummed out that my body has betrayed me and the miscarriage didn't even have the upside of bringing me regular cycles. I absolutely hate that it has come to this...taking pills and counting days. I'm still trying to find reason all of it...the PCOS, the miscarriage, the trying, trying, and trying. Is this supposed to make me appreciate being pregnant more? Am I supposed to be more grateful when I finally hold my child in my arms? Did I take Aidan for granted? His birth, his infancy, all the little things that I miss horribly...the same things that make me ache for another baby, did I not appreciate them enough? I really don't know. I know how I felt at the time, but there's no kind of measuring cup or standard I can weigh my feelings against.
I have to admit, I'm struggling to find meaning in this entire process. I'm usually the first to say, "Everything happens for a reason". And true to form, for everything that's ever happened to me, I can rationalize and map out all the big and little events in my life that have led me to this very second....except for this. And it drives me insane. I guess it really doesn't matter, because I don't think knowing why will ever get me through the pain of losing my baby, or make me feel any better about this emotional roller coaster of a journey.
So, here we are. New year, new cycle, new TTC journey. I'm praying hard that this year will be different. I'm hoping there won't be any more frustration, no more heartache...just two pinks lines and an ever growing belly.
Physically, I'm OK. I'm still bummed out that my body has betrayed me and the miscarriage didn't even have the upside of bringing me regular cycles. I absolutely hate that it has come to this...taking pills and counting days. I'm still trying to find reason all of it...the PCOS, the miscarriage, the trying, trying, and trying. Is this supposed to make me appreciate being pregnant more? Am I supposed to be more grateful when I finally hold my child in my arms? Did I take Aidan for granted? His birth, his infancy, all the little things that I miss horribly...the same things that make me ache for another baby, did I not appreciate them enough? I really don't know. I know how I felt at the time, but there's no kind of measuring cup or standard I can weigh my feelings against.
I have to admit, I'm struggling to find meaning in this entire process. I'm usually the first to say, "Everything happens for a reason". And true to form, for everything that's ever happened to me, I can rationalize and map out all the big and little events in my life that have led me to this very second....except for this. And it drives me insane. I guess it really doesn't matter, because I don't think knowing why will ever get me through the pain of losing my baby, or make me feel any better about this emotional roller coaster of a journey.
So, here we are. New year, new cycle, new TTC journey. I'm praying hard that this year will be different. I'm hoping there won't be any more frustration, no more heartache...just two pinks lines and an ever growing belly.
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