I'm not quite sure if anyone can tell from my brief updates, but this pregnancy is so different than when I had Aidan. I'm not sure if it's because this is shore duty and I'm not stressing over my husband making it back in time. Or maybe it's the lack of testosterone I have in my body. Maybe it's because I know this is our last child. Or perhaps it's different because we've waited so long and tried so hard for this baby. Whatever the reason, I'm loving every minute of this pregnancy. At the risk of inducing some serious eye-rolling from anyone reading, I really am blissfully happy.
It's not that I wasn't happy when I was pregnant with Aidan, I know that I was looking forward to having him. But I think most of it was stress. Being pregnant and going to all the doctor's appointments and ultrasounds alone wasn't what I pictured my first pregnancy to be like. I knew my husband would be gone at some point, but when we decided to try for a baby, we really didn't think we would get pregnant so quick. Not to mention I didn't think he'd be gone for so much of my pregnancy. On top of that, I had pregnancy induced hypertension so I had to pay attention to my blood pressure while my doctors kept a close eye on Aidan's growth and development with frequent ultrasounds. I didn't mind too much because it meant I got to see him more often, even if it was on a black and white screen. I also spotted through most of my pregnancy. Every episode would induce gut wrenching panic, and the first few times it happened I rushed to the ER to make sure my baby was still OK. In the third trimester, that finally stopped, but I found out I had gestational diabetes. I was put on a strict diet and forced to check and record my blood sugar four times per day. And lastly, my husband went out on deployment at the start of my third trimester and wasn't due to come home until my 38 week point. When I started dilating at 36 weeks, there was no trying to relax...I was in a panic worrying I'd be giving birth to my first child half a world away from my family, with my husband MIA. Looking back, it was pretty much just one thing after another, after another.
Besides the stress, I think Aidan's pregnancy was also different because I had no idea what to expect. I knew I was having a baby, and I would love him. But I had no clue how much I would end up loving him. And granted, I was excited, but I didn't have anything specific to look forward to because I'd never been a mom before. Now, it's different. I already love Abby as much as I love Aidan, even though I haven't met her yet. I look forward to the little things that I enjoyed so much with Aidan. The first few days, when they're so tiny, you finally get to experience the things you wondered about for 9 months...the shape of their nose, whether or not they have hair, their tiny baby feet actually being small enough to fit into the socks you thought were impossibly small, and how their crying sounds more like a squeak than anything else. I miss the little yawns and the smiles you only catch when they're sleeping. And I look forward to experiencing the excitement of all the firsts...first smile, first giggle, first steps, and first word. I already know how it felt when we experienced it with Aidan, it makes me even more excited to know I get to do it all over again.
Not only do I already know all of the amazing things I have to look forward to, but this pregnancy has been so easy. Virtually no nausea, no reason to stress, only one episode of spotting that resolved on it's own, and everything with Abby is looking healthy. I have the usual discomforts, like braxton hicks and daily headaches. But even those minor pains can't bring me down, I'm still happy.....really happy and extremely thankful. I absolutely can't wait to meet our little Abigail :)
12 January 2012
03 January 2012
20 Week Check Up!
I had my 20 week checkup today. First I'd better backtrack because I just realized I never made a blog announcement about the gender of the baby. Most of you (if not all) already know what baby #2 is. But not everyone knows what happened or how it went down, which is an interesting story in my opinion. So I'll share that with you first, and then get down to the appointment.
On December 2, I scheduled an elective ultrasound to find out the baby's gender. I wanted to have one done before Casey left for his two weeks in Virginia (which meant he'd be gone for the growth scan at 20 weeks). My mom flew in that morning, we ate lunch, and killed some time shopping before my appointment at 1:40. Or so I *thought* the appointment was at 1:40. We got to the ultrasound place at 1:40, only to find out that my appointment was scheduled for 1:15 and I was SUPER late. Totally my fault, I don't know why I wrote down 1:40. The problem was she was completely booked and had an appointment for 1:45, so I basically missed my chance. Anyway, she took pity on me (we were all obviously excited for the session) and since I was just getting a 2D gender confirmation scan, she agreed to squeeze me in before her next appointment arrived. So the session, was pretty much rushed.
At first glance, she said she was pretty sure it was a girl. I said no way, I was convinced it was a boy, I was going to need a clear shot to be proven wrong. But baby just kept giving us their backside, so it was difficult to say for sure. She measured the baby, and I was right on track, baby measuring 7 inches long and 5.5 ounces. I saw all the great things you look forward to seeing, like the profile and little hands and feet. We waited for the baby to turn, and sure enough, for a split second we saw two legs with nothing in between. The tech pointed out three lines (which took me FOREVER to see when I played the video my mom took over again) and confirmed we were having a girl! With her next appointment already waiting, we were whisked out of the room (in shock), paid the fee, and left.
It took a while to set in....I was really really really surprised. Casey was completely freaked at the prospect of having to spend money on girl things instead of passing everything down everything Aidan has outgrown. And my mom was over the moon happy. But I was nervous because the shot we had wasn't very clear at all, and I know it's possible for techs to be wrong. Even still, we went ahead and announced what we were having on Facebook, knowing we'd have confirmation at my 20 week growth scan.
Almost two weeks later, I went to my growth scan, completely pretending that I didn't know the gender. Casey, who was in school in VA, was still holding out hope that they'd say "You're having a boy!" and that the penis had just been hidden somewhere in the last ultrasound. Meanwhile, I started to become afraid that they WOULD tell me it was a boy and I'd be so disappointed because I'd become excited about having a little girl. Either way, one of us was going to have to make an adjustment!
So, the growth scan took much longer because she was measuring every little thing. I got to see the heart pumping away, the blood flowing through the cord and the kidneys, little tiny hands again (but that never gets old!)....and then the tech asked, "Do you want to know what you're having?" I said, "Yes please!!!" She froze a shot of the two legs, again void in the middle, and said, "It looks like a girl..." but the baby was yet again in an awkward position. We wanted a clear money shot, so we waited. All of the sudden we were being mooned on the screen and clear as day, you could see we were having a girl! It was official in my mind, there's no place for a little wee wee to be hiding in that picture!! Here's a picture of the shot that sealed the deal:
After seeing that shot, even Casey admitted there was no arguing that one, we were definitely going to have to paint the spare room pink! Needless to say everyone is excited for us. It's been easy to shift my thinking from "he" to "she", and we already call her Abby. She also seems to have her brother's profile (I think they'll look alike), with that cute button nose:
So there it is, we're expecting Abigail Maria-Jane. I'm hoping (and thinking it's possible) I go into labor in late April, so she can have the awesome birthstone of diamond, but we'll see. So far I've been wrong on every aspect when it comes to being pregnant, both times. I swore Aidan was a girl (he is most definitely all boy), I swore I was going to have to be induced after going past my due date (I went into early labor and finally had him at 39 weeks), I swore Abby was going to be a boy...I'm not doing so well on the mommy intuition front.
As far as my check up goes, everything looks great. Abby's HR was in the upper 140s, and my fundal height is right on track. No complaints, other than getting woozy when my braxton hicks come around. But the midwife said it's normal and to make sure I've eaten and keep hydrated. If they come frequently, do the opposite of what I'm already doing (rest if I'm up and moving, get up and move if I'm resting), and to call if I have more than 6 in an hour. My bp is awesome and I gained some weight! I weighed myself the night we got back from Louisiana and saw a 9 lb increase since I had left 2 weeks earlier. But because I lost a few pounds earlier in the pregnancy and again since I got home from Louisiana, I'm only officially up five pounds since the time I got pregnant. It's not much, but it's something! I'm just glad I'm gaining, makes me feel better about Abby's health.
So that is all for now. My next appointment is Feb. 1 and I'll be 26 weeks by then. I can't believe time is flying right by...she'll be here before we know it!!!
On December 2, I scheduled an elective ultrasound to find out the baby's gender. I wanted to have one done before Casey left for his two weeks in Virginia (which meant he'd be gone for the growth scan at 20 weeks). My mom flew in that morning, we ate lunch, and killed some time shopping before my appointment at 1:40. Or so I *thought* the appointment was at 1:40. We got to the ultrasound place at 1:40, only to find out that my appointment was scheduled for 1:15 and I was SUPER late. Totally my fault, I don't know why I wrote down 1:40. The problem was she was completely booked and had an appointment for 1:45, so I basically missed my chance. Anyway, she took pity on me (we were all obviously excited for the session) and since I was just getting a 2D gender confirmation scan, she agreed to squeeze me in before her next appointment arrived. So the session, was pretty much rushed.
At first glance, she said she was pretty sure it was a girl. I said no way, I was convinced it was a boy, I was going to need a clear shot to be proven wrong. But baby just kept giving us their backside, so it was difficult to say for sure. She measured the baby, and I was right on track, baby measuring 7 inches long and 5.5 ounces. I saw all the great things you look forward to seeing, like the profile and little hands and feet. We waited for the baby to turn, and sure enough, for a split second we saw two legs with nothing in between. The tech pointed out three lines (which took me FOREVER to see when I played the video my mom took over again) and confirmed we were having a girl! With her next appointment already waiting, we were whisked out of the room (in shock), paid the fee, and left.
It took a while to set in....I was really really really surprised. Casey was completely freaked at the prospect of having to spend money on girl things instead of passing everything down everything Aidan has outgrown. And my mom was over the moon happy. But I was nervous because the shot we had wasn't very clear at all, and I know it's possible for techs to be wrong. Even still, we went ahead and announced what we were having on Facebook, knowing we'd have confirmation at my 20 week growth scan.
Almost two weeks later, I went to my growth scan, completely pretending that I didn't know the gender. Casey, who was in school in VA, was still holding out hope that they'd say "You're having a boy!" and that the penis had just been hidden somewhere in the last ultrasound. Meanwhile, I started to become afraid that they WOULD tell me it was a boy and I'd be so disappointed because I'd become excited about having a little girl. Either way, one of us was going to have to make an adjustment!
So, the growth scan took much longer because she was measuring every little thing. I got to see the heart pumping away, the blood flowing through the cord and the kidneys, little tiny hands again (but that never gets old!)....and then the tech asked, "Do you want to know what you're having?" I said, "Yes please!!!" She froze a shot of the two legs, again void in the middle, and said, "It looks like a girl..." but the baby was yet again in an awkward position. We wanted a clear money shot, so we waited. All of the sudden we were being mooned on the screen and clear as day, you could see we were having a girl! It was official in my mind, there's no place for a little wee wee to be hiding in that picture!! Here's a picture of the shot that sealed the deal:
After seeing that shot, even Casey admitted there was no arguing that one, we were definitely going to have to paint the spare room pink! Needless to say everyone is excited for us. It's been easy to shift my thinking from "he" to "she", and we already call her Abby. She also seems to have her brother's profile (I think they'll look alike), with that cute button nose:
So there it is, we're expecting Abigail Maria-Jane. I'm hoping (and thinking it's possible) I go into labor in late April, so she can have the awesome birthstone of diamond, but we'll see. So far I've been wrong on every aspect when it comes to being pregnant, both times. I swore Aidan was a girl (he is most definitely all boy), I swore I was going to have to be induced after going past my due date (I went into early labor and finally had him at 39 weeks), I swore Abby was going to be a boy...I'm not doing so well on the mommy intuition front.
As far as my check up goes, everything looks great. Abby's HR was in the upper 140s, and my fundal height is right on track. No complaints, other than getting woozy when my braxton hicks come around. But the midwife said it's normal and to make sure I've eaten and keep hydrated. If they come frequently, do the opposite of what I'm already doing (rest if I'm up and moving, get up and move if I'm resting), and to call if I have more than 6 in an hour. My bp is awesome and I gained some weight! I weighed myself the night we got back from Louisiana and saw a 9 lb increase since I had left 2 weeks earlier. But because I lost a few pounds earlier in the pregnancy and again since I got home from Louisiana, I'm only officially up five pounds since the time I got pregnant. It's not much, but it's something! I'm just glad I'm gaining, makes me feel better about Abby's health.
So that is all for now. My next appointment is Feb. 1 and I'll be 26 weeks by then. I can't believe time is flying right by...she'll be here before we know it!!!
31 December 2011
Goodbye 2011
It's New Year's Eve, and I can't help but remember where we were one year ago. Still fresh from our loss we were looking to start fertility treatments. I was hopeful, thinking January would be it for us. Little did I know that clomid wasn't just an easy answer for us. The first cycle failed, as the dose was not high enough to make me ovulate. We spent the next few months working our way up in 50mg increments, and each failed cycle was like a punch in the gut to me. Although I swore never to take metformin again, desperation made me try a combination of both drugs to try and have a successful cycle. I pretty much spent the entire first half of this year frustrated and depressed that my body was working against me. Then, to find out that on top of PCOS, I also have a thyroid issue....it was enough to make me just want to quit. And I think part of me really did just give up. I took a few months off actively TTCing, putting off clomid treatments until September. I didn't want to take a pill, chart my temp, or pee on another strip...I just wanted to stop thinking about how we kept failing. And I started school again, enrolling in a graduate program, really not believing that I'd be getting pregnant any time soon. I was on a break, and put all of my attention and energy on something not baby related.
I didn't see it coming, but August was literally like a dejavu month for me. I got pregnant in August of 2010, right before I was supposed to start clomid for the very first time. That pregnancy ended in a missed miscarriage. This year, when I found out I was pregnant with another May due date, I was shocked, excited, and slightly nervous. I couldn't help but think about how wrong things had progressed with last year's pregnancy. I anxiously held my breath, crossed my fingers, and prayed until our first OB appointment at 9 weeks. When I saw my little jelly bean on the screen, I was relieved and so incredibly happy. Needless to say, this year did not spiral downward as last year had done.
I know I was unhappy and frustrated during most of 2011. But I can't help but feel like it was all worth it. We're having another baby, and I couldn't be happier. I will always look back and remember this year as the year we really understood what being blessed really is. We not only got pregnant, but without fertility meds. And I was reminded that you might not see the sense in the way things play out, and it's easy to get angry that things aren't happening the way you planned them out. But eventually you realize things fall into place just the way they're supposed to, and you begin to understand why your own plan wasn't the right one. Looking back on everything that's happened at the close of 2010 and during all of 2011, I get it. And regardless of the struggles we went through, 2011 will always be amazing because of our little miracle and being able to say we came full circle.
Tonight, I'm saying goodbye to 2011 at home with my husband, my son, and the little gymnast that's rolling around in my belly. There's no big party, no fancy food, and no one else but us. I'm in my PJ's and my hair is a mess. But sitting here, counting all of my blessings, I'm thinking this is one of the best New Year's Eve I could have ever asked for.
So adios to 2011...it's been a crazy and surprising year. I can't wait to see what 2012 is going to bring our way.
I didn't see it coming, but August was literally like a dejavu month for me. I got pregnant in August of 2010, right before I was supposed to start clomid for the very first time. That pregnancy ended in a missed miscarriage. This year, when I found out I was pregnant with another May due date, I was shocked, excited, and slightly nervous. I couldn't help but think about how wrong things had progressed with last year's pregnancy. I anxiously held my breath, crossed my fingers, and prayed until our first OB appointment at 9 weeks. When I saw my little jelly bean on the screen, I was relieved and so incredibly happy. Needless to say, this year did not spiral downward as last year had done.
I know I was unhappy and frustrated during most of 2011. But I can't help but feel like it was all worth it. We're having another baby, and I couldn't be happier. I will always look back and remember this year as the year we really understood what being blessed really is. We not only got pregnant, but without fertility meds. And I was reminded that you might not see the sense in the way things play out, and it's easy to get angry that things aren't happening the way you planned them out. But eventually you realize things fall into place just the way they're supposed to, and you begin to understand why your own plan wasn't the right one. Looking back on everything that's happened at the close of 2010 and during all of 2011, I get it. And regardless of the struggles we went through, 2011 will always be amazing because of our little miracle and being able to say we came full circle.
Tonight, I'm saying goodbye to 2011 at home with my husband, my son, and the little gymnast that's rolling around in my belly. There's no big party, no fancy food, and no one else but us. I'm in my PJ's and my hair is a mess. But sitting here, counting all of my blessings, I'm thinking this is one of the best New Year's Eve I could have ever asked for.
So adios to 2011...it's been a crazy and surprising year. I can't wait to see what 2012 is going to bring our way.
30 November 2011
16 Week Checkup
I had my 16 week checkup today. I've been feeling really great recently...I think my TSH levels finally evened out over the last few weeks because I haven't been feeling as crappy as I did last month.
I gained a pound, which puts my total weight change to -3 (wooo hooo)! I was really excited to see that I gained SOMETHING, even if it is just one pound...I just feel paranoid that if I lose weight the entire pregnancy the baby won't be healthy. Crazy I know, but it's the worry-wart of a mommy in me!
They did the quadruple screen and checked my TSH levels to make sure they're still below 3. And, I've been feeling strong braxton hicks contractions for the last few weeks, a couple of times per day. I asked him about feeling them so early on, and he said it's normal, that my uterus actually contracts 3-4 times per HOUR! So it's OK to feel it, just as long as it's not accompanied by blood or weird mucus-y discharge.
Also, little bean's HR was 160 INTERESTINGLY....one of my fellow pregnant mommas passed along a fun site to "predict" the baby's gender (http://www.babybpm.com/)and at 12w 6d with a HR of 130, the baby was predicted a boy. But now it's predicting GIRL, based on 16w 6d with a HR of 160! I know it's just an old wives tale and it's about as accurate as the chinese gender calendar (which all told me Aidan was supposed to be a girl). But, this just makes me even more anxious for Friday when we have our gender confirmation scan. I'm so excited, I probably won't be sleeping from here until then!
Anyway, I scheduled the anatomy scan for Dec. 12 at 2pm, and my next checkup is on Jan 3. I'm so glad everything is going well...no PIH and hopefully no diabetes. Now if I could just have a successful VBAC, I think I can file this pregnancy under "AWESOME"! It's really important to me to have an uneventful, healthy pregnancy. I really want to apply to be a surrogate after I have this baby next year, and I think it'll look great if they see I've recently had a healthy pregnancy.
And randomly, off topic, I'm going to a place I never thought I would ever go before: Cloth Diapering! I know, it sounds silly, but I have a severe aversion to dealing with poopy diapers. I couldn't fathom having to spray off a dirty diaper before washing it, not to mention my OCD tendencies would never let me put a completely filthy diaper into my washing machine....it would be forever soiled in my eyes! But I've asked around and I've been schooled on the cloth diapering ways. So I've been doing research to figure out what brands might suit me and how much cheaper it would be....and I think I'm going to try it out. They make these liners that go over the cloth insert, so when you get a dirty diaper, you just flush the liner and wash the insert, which calms my anxiety about having to get my hands and/or washing machine dirty. I might actually like it, especially since I refused to breast feed before I got pregnant with Aidan and then ended up conceding to try it and in the end loving it! And hey, if it saves us from having to buy spend a ton of money on diapers, I'm willing to give it a shot.
So that's my update. My next update will be about the baby's gender, but it won't be until after we tell Casey's family in person, right before Christmas. And in case you missed it, we finally compromised on a girl's name. Aidan actually picked it out, and since Casey hates my top choices and I hate his, we had to go back to the drawing board. I didn't like it at first, but our choice has been growing on me. So, if it's a girl, she will be Abigail Maria-Jane (calling her Abby for short). And it was never a question as to what boy's name we were going to use...we've had this first name picked out since before we started trying for a second! But we did pick out a middle name we liked, so if it is a boy, he will be Jackson James-Cooper (I imagine calling him Jack, JJ, or JCoop for short lol). So hang tight, only a few more weeks until the world will know if we're on team pink or team blue!
I gained a pound, which puts my total weight change to -3 (wooo hooo)! I was really excited to see that I gained SOMETHING, even if it is just one pound...I just feel paranoid that if I lose weight the entire pregnancy the baby won't be healthy. Crazy I know, but it's the worry-wart of a mommy in me!
They did the quadruple screen and checked my TSH levels to make sure they're still below 3. And, I've been feeling strong braxton hicks contractions for the last few weeks, a couple of times per day. I asked him about feeling them so early on, and he said it's normal, that my uterus actually contracts 3-4 times per HOUR! So it's OK to feel it, just as long as it's not accompanied by blood or weird mucus-y discharge.
Also, little bean's HR was 160 INTERESTINGLY....one of my fellow pregnant mommas passed along a fun site to "predict" the baby's gender (http://www.babybpm.com/)and at 12w 6d with a HR of 130, the baby was predicted a boy. But now it's predicting GIRL, based on 16w 6d with a HR of 160! I know it's just an old wives tale and it's about as accurate as the chinese gender calendar (which all told me Aidan was supposed to be a girl). But, this just makes me even more anxious for Friday when we have our gender confirmation scan. I'm so excited, I probably won't be sleeping from here until then!
Anyway, I scheduled the anatomy scan for Dec. 12 at 2pm, and my next checkup is on Jan 3. I'm so glad everything is going well...no PIH and hopefully no diabetes. Now if I could just have a successful VBAC, I think I can file this pregnancy under "AWESOME"! It's really important to me to have an uneventful, healthy pregnancy. I really want to apply to be a surrogate after I have this baby next year, and I think it'll look great if they see I've recently had a healthy pregnancy.
And randomly, off topic, I'm going to a place I never thought I would ever go before: Cloth Diapering! I know, it sounds silly, but I have a severe aversion to dealing with poopy diapers. I couldn't fathom having to spray off a dirty diaper before washing it, not to mention my OCD tendencies would never let me put a completely filthy diaper into my washing machine....it would be forever soiled in my eyes! But I've asked around and I've been schooled on the cloth diapering ways. So I've been doing research to figure out what brands might suit me and how much cheaper it would be....and I think I'm going to try it out. They make these liners that go over the cloth insert, so when you get a dirty diaper, you just flush the liner and wash the insert, which calms my anxiety about having to get my hands and/or washing machine dirty. I might actually like it, especially since I refused to breast feed before I got pregnant with Aidan and then ended up conceding to try it and in the end loving it! And hey, if it saves us from having to buy spend a ton of money on diapers, I'm willing to give it a shot.
So that's my update. My next update will be about the baby's gender, but it won't be until after we tell Casey's family in person, right before Christmas. And in case you missed it, we finally compromised on a girl's name. Aidan actually picked it out, and since Casey hates my top choices and I hate his, we had to go back to the drawing board. I didn't like it at first, but our choice has been growing on me. So, if it's a girl, she will be Abigail Maria-Jane (calling her Abby for short). And it was never a question as to what boy's name we were going to use...we've had this first name picked out since before we started trying for a second! But we did pick out a middle name we liked, so if it is a boy, he will be Jackson James-Cooper (I imagine calling him Jack, JJ, or JCoop for short lol). So hang tight, only a few more weeks until the world will know if we're on team pink or team blue!
16 November 2011
Six years down, forever to go...
My forever didn't start in the traditional way. Usually, there's a dating period, a living together period before getting engaged, the engagement period, and then the long awaited nuptials. The happy couple celebrate with their close friends and families, and set off for a romantic getaway on some secluded resort with picturesque views. It's like a formula, you go from A to B, from B to C, so on and so forth. Every young girl pictures this sequence of events, planning details along the way. I was no different, I knew exactly how it would all go down. Only, I couldn't have been more wrong.
In December of 2003 I met a guy in uniform. No big deal, it wasn't supposed to be a serious thing. I was single for the first time in a long time, and I all I cared about was having fun, not falling in love. Not to mention, all my other friends were dating Navy guys, so why not have a little fling? We never really talked about it but the understanding was, once schooling was over he would move on and so would I. But then...it got complicated. We fell for each other pretty hard. Five months later, when the time came and his orders to Guam showed up, I found that it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be to end it. I really had to think about what I was doing. If we ended it, I would always be wondering about what could have been. But if we tried, I would at least know...even if we failed, I could always take comfort in knowing we gave it a shot. By the time my boyfriend left for Guam and we said our final goodbyes, we had been together for 6 months. Only 6 months, and saying goodbye was the absolute hardest thing I ever had to do, probably because I didn't know if I'd ever see him again. We made it another 6 months of long distance "dating" before it all fell apart. I knew the odds were against us, but even still, I was crushed.
Fast forward to November of 2005. I ran to Louisiana to marry that same guy, a man I hadn't laid eyes on in 15 months. For 8 of those months we weren't dating or even talking. We started our relationship back up over the phone while living on opposite sides of the world. We made plans to get married that same way. I kept it a secret from most of my friends and family, partly because I didn't know (and didn't want to know) what they would say, and partly because I couldn't believe it was real. The night before I left for Louisiana, I was nervous, I don't think I slept at all. I don't even think it had sunk in that I was getting ready to go get married. I took the first 6 am flight out of Rhode Island and flew to where my future husband was waiting. All kinds of things were going on in my head...would he still think I was beautiful? What if he changed? What if he thought I changed? What if I see him and all my feelings disappear?? I was a wreck, I wasn't even sure how my legs were going to carry me off that plane. But somehow, I managed to get off the plane and walk what seemed like a mile from the tarmac to the airport where he was waiting inside. When the doors opened, I saw him standing there so incredibly handsome in his dress blues. My knees got weaker, but I managed to walk up to him. He put his arms around me, burying my head in his chest. I smelled that familiar smell, and I was done. However unconventional, this was right, he was the one for me. Standing in the tiny Alexandria airport with a handful of strangers watching and wondering, I was on the proverbial cloud 9.
The next night he had me get all dressed up and took me to a nice restaurant. He had planned it all out. There was a single table on the patio, under the stars, right in front of the fountain. We sat down, and as I was studying the menu, I looked up to see Casey on one knee next to me, asking me to marry him. He was giving me a little piece of what I had envisioned for myself: a romantic proposal. I will always appreciate that he treated that night as if he were asking me for the first time.
A few days later we were in a courthouse, with no one around but the people that truly mattered, saying our vows for the first time. I giggled through the entire ceremony, still not quite believing it was real. We spent a few more days together as husband and wife, and went our separate ways. Oddly enough, I didn't cry saying goodbye to him that time. I knew I'd be seeing him again. I flew back home, and came clean with my friends and family. People could call me crazy if they wanted, I knew what we had done was right for us.
The first year of marriage was lived out through e-mails, phone calls, and week long visit to see him in Guam. In that first year, we spent a whopping 34 non-consecutive days with each other. No doubt the best 34 days I ever had during that year. It was hard, but it made me realize just how much this marriage meant to me. As I walked down the aisle to meet my already husband when we renewed our vows on October 29, 2006, I did not giggle. The swell of emotions knowing that I was getting ready to leave all my friends and family behind to be with this amazing man was overwhelming. Everything I'd been waiting for was here. I couldn't help but cry as we read the new and personal vows that we wrote to each other. Even though we were already married, it was still perfect.
Things now are not how I pictured my marriage to be when I was younger. I say goodbye to my husband more than I would like. Sometimes I have to be mommy and daddy to our little boy. I have to trust that my husband will come home safe after every deployment and that we will be able to pick up from where we left off. We've missed anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays. There have been times where I hated this life and all the time we missed out on. But I would never change it. We may not have the kind of marriage I pictured, but I love him more than I ever imagined I could. Six years into our forever, and I know there will be rough patches down the road. I know we will have to say goodbye, that we'll spend too much time missing each other, and become frustrated at trying to work around the Navy's schedule. But I look forward to the homecomings, the sweet hellos and first kisses, every holiday spent together, seeing our family grow, and all the nights I'm lucky enough to fall asleep in his arms. I look forward to being loved and to loving him more as the years pass.
As hard it might be sometimes, I love you Casey, and it will always be worth it.
In December of 2003 I met a guy in uniform. No big deal, it wasn't supposed to be a serious thing. I was single for the first time in a long time, and I all I cared about was having fun, not falling in love. Not to mention, all my other friends were dating Navy guys, so why not have a little fling? We never really talked about it but the understanding was, once schooling was over he would move on and so would I. But then...it got complicated. We fell for each other pretty hard. Five months later, when the time came and his orders to Guam showed up, I found that it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be to end it. I really had to think about what I was doing. If we ended it, I would always be wondering about what could have been. But if we tried, I would at least know...even if we failed, I could always take comfort in knowing we gave it a shot. By the time my boyfriend left for Guam and we said our final goodbyes, we had been together for 6 months. Only 6 months, and saying goodbye was the absolute hardest thing I ever had to do, probably because I didn't know if I'd ever see him again. We made it another 6 months of long distance "dating" before it all fell apart. I knew the odds were against us, but even still, I was crushed.
Fast forward to November of 2005. I ran to Louisiana to marry that same guy, a man I hadn't laid eyes on in 15 months. For 8 of those months we weren't dating or even talking. We started our relationship back up over the phone while living on opposite sides of the world. We made plans to get married that same way. I kept it a secret from most of my friends and family, partly because I didn't know (and didn't want to know) what they would say, and partly because I couldn't believe it was real. The night before I left for Louisiana, I was nervous, I don't think I slept at all. I don't even think it had sunk in that I was getting ready to go get married. I took the first 6 am flight out of Rhode Island and flew to where my future husband was waiting. All kinds of things were going on in my head...would he still think I was beautiful? What if he changed? What if he thought I changed? What if I see him and all my feelings disappear?? I was a wreck, I wasn't even sure how my legs were going to carry me off that plane. But somehow, I managed to get off the plane and walk what seemed like a mile from the tarmac to the airport where he was waiting inside. When the doors opened, I saw him standing there so incredibly handsome in his dress blues. My knees got weaker, but I managed to walk up to him. He put his arms around me, burying my head in his chest. I smelled that familiar smell, and I was done. However unconventional, this was right, he was the one for me. Standing in the tiny Alexandria airport with a handful of strangers watching and wondering, I was on the proverbial cloud 9.
The next night he had me get all dressed up and took me to a nice restaurant. He had planned it all out. There was a single table on the patio, under the stars, right in front of the fountain. We sat down, and as I was studying the menu, I looked up to see Casey on one knee next to me, asking me to marry him. He was giving me a little piece of what I had envisioned for myself: a romantic proposal. I will always appreciate that he treated that night as if he were asking me for the first time.
A few days later we were in a courthouse, with no one around but the people that truly mattered, saying our vows for the first time. I giggled through the entire ceremony, still not quite believing it was real. We spent a few more days together as husband and wife, and went our separate ways. Oddly enough, I didn't cry saying goodbye to him that time. I knew I'd be seeing him again. I flew back home, and came clean with my friends and family. People could call me crazy if they wanted, I knew what we had done was right for us.
The first year of marriage was lived out through e-mails, phone calls, and week long visit to see him in Guam. In that first year, we spent a whopping 34 non-consecutive days with each other. No doubt the best 34 days I ever had during that year. It was hard, but it made me realize just how much this marriage meant to me. As I walked down the aisle to meet my already husband when we renewed our vows on October 29, 2006, I did not giggle. The swell of emotions knowing that I was getting ready to leave all my friends and family behind to be with this amazing man was overwhelming. Everything I'd been waiting for was here. I couldn't help but cry as we read the new and personal vows that we wrote to each other. Even though we were already married, it was still perfect.
Things now are not how I pictured my marriage to be when I was younger. I say goodbye to my husband more than I would like. Sometimes I have to be mommy and daddy to our little boy. I have to trust that my husband will come home safe after every deployment and that we will be able to pick up from where we left off. We've missed anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays. There have been times where I hated this life and all the time we missed out on. But I would never change it. We may not have the kind of marriage I pictured, but I love him more than I ever imagined I could. Six years into our forever, and I know there will be rough patches down the road. I know we will have to say goodbye, that we'll spend too much time missing each other, and become frustrated at trying to work around the Navy's schedule. But I look forward to the homecomings, the sweet hellos and first kisses, every holiday spent together, seeing our family grow, and all the nights I'm lucky enough to fall asleep in his arms. I look forward to being loved and to loving him more as the years pass.
As hard it might be sometimes, I love you Casey, and it will always be worth it.
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