It's New Year's Eve, and I can't help but remember where we were one year ago. Still fresh from our loss we were looking to start fertility treatments. I was hopeful, thinking January would be it for us. Little did I know that clomid wasn't just an easy answer for us. The first cycle failed, as the dose was not high enough to make me ovulate. We spent the next few months working our way up in 50mg increments, and each failed cycle was like a punch in the gut to me. Although I swore never to take metformin again, desperation made me try a combination of both drugs to try and have a successful cycle. I pretty much spent the entire first half of this year frustrated and depressed that my body was working against me. Then, to find out that on top of PCOS, I also have a thyroid issue....it was enough to make me just want to quit. And I think part of me really did just give up. I took a few months off actively TTCing, putting off clomid treatments until September. I didn't want to take a pill, chart my temp, or pee on another strip...I just wanted to stop thinking about how we kept failing. And I started school again, enrolling in a graduate program, really not believing that I'd be getting pregnant any time soon. I was on a break, and put all of my attention and energy on something not baby related.
I didn't see it coming, but August was literally like a dejavu month for me. I got pregnant in August of 2010, right before I was supposed to start clomid for the very first time. That pregnancy ended in a missed miscarriage. This year, when I found out I was pregnant with another May due date, I was shocked, excited, and slightly nervous. I couldn't help but think about how wrong things had progressed with last year's pregnancy. I anxiously held my breath, crossed my fingers, and prayed until our first OB appointment at 9 weeks. When I saw my little jelly bean on the screen, I was relieved and so incredibly happy. Needless to say, this year did not spiral downward as last year had done.
I know I was unhappy and frustrated during most of 2011. But I can't help but feel like it was all worth it. We're having another baby, and I couldn't be happier. I will always look back and remember this year as the year we really understood what being blessed really is. We not only got pregnant, but without fertility meds. And I was reminded that you might not see the sense in the way things play out, and it's easy to get angry that things aren't happening the way you planned them out. But eventually you realize things fall into place just the way they're supposed to, and you begin to understand why your own plan wasn't the right one. Looking back on everything that's happened at the close of 2010 and during all of 2011, I get it. And regardless of the struggles we went through, 2011 will always be amazing because of our little miracle and being able to say we came full circle.
Tonight, I'm saying goodbye to 2011 at home with my husband, my son, and the little gymnast that's rolling around in my belly. There's no big party, no fancy food, and no one else but us. I'm in my PJ's and my hair is a mess. But sitting here, counting all of my blessings, I'm thinking this is one of the best New Year's Eve I could have ever asked for.
So adios to 2011...it's been a crazy and surprising year. I can't wait to see what 2012 is going to bring our way.
