Tomorrow we start our third round of Clomid. This time I'm on Metformin...I haven't noticed a difference in using the Metformin as of yet. I've been on it for a little over a week, and I haven't lost any weight. I'm not sure if that's because the Metformin won't be enough to cancel out the weight gain side effects from the Provera, or if my lack of going to the gym and eating out with my family and devouring all the yummy food my grandmother has been fixing for me. I'm thinking it's most likely the latter....
Anyway, I'm kind of zen about this whole thing. I think the baby fever has subsided. Don't get me wrong I still want a baby in the worst kind of way. I'm all out of emotional energy. I think I've just finally reached that point where I feel like it'll happen whenever it happens. Whatever it is, I definitely don't have the anxiety or the excitement I had before I started the last two attempts.
Also during this attempt, I'll be charting my BBT. I have the alarm set on my phone for 6:30 every morning, in case I don't hear Casey wake up in the morning. I've been pretty good so far, taking it when I'm still half asleep. The OPKs were a disaster...way too hard for me to read. At least with the BBT, if I'm consistent, I'll be able to see if I ovulate, and pinpoint the day since Clomid can delay ovulation. So we'll see how it works out. I know one thing is for sure...I'm a lot happier now than I have been in the last month. Maybe resigning myself to just letting go and trusting it'll happen when it's supposed to. I don't know why I felt like I was on a "deadline" before, but the pressure is off now. Maybe it's a sign. Who knows? Only time will tell.
30 March 2011
20 March 2011
Sixteen Days...
That's how long it's been I last wrote a blog. Well, I wish I had lots to say, but I haven't done much. This last week has been a bit hectic. Last weekend we went to Louisiana for a quick trip. I love my in-laws, but I think in the future we'll be staying for more than 2 days after spending 12 hours in a car! I'm glad that we got to see everyone though, and more than happy that Aidan's grand parents were able to see him right before his birthday.
The day after we returned home, my mom flew in. The day after that, we took a 6 hour trip to Ft. Laurderdale. Needless to say I'm tired of looking at the inside of my car! But again, we got to see family that I don't see all that often, and it was worth the trip. And, even better, they'll be coming up for Aidan's birthday party this Saturday as well.
Speaking of my little man...we've been battling the allergies from hell. My poor baby...his eyes get all swollen, he rubs his face non-stop, sneezes, and has so much fluid in his head he's developed a cough. We're treating it with benadryl for now, but I've just noticed he's starting to develop a rash in random places on his body, so I need to take him back to the doctor. I wish more than anything we could figure out how to make it all better for him, but so far we've had no luck. The benadryl has worked better than anything else we tried, but it's still just not quite making him feel 100%. Please pray we find something soon, I don't want him to be miserable for the rest of the spring season.
On a completely different front, I finished up my third round of provera. I delayed starting it because I didn't want AF to show up while I was traveling. Also, tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment to check my blood sugar levels since I don't trust anything my previous doctor had to say. In addition, I'm going to see if I can get back on metformin. I've gained SO much weight from the provera and the clomid, and my PCOS symptoms are absolutely out of control. I know it makes me feel crappy, but I was at least able to keep my weight and symptoms under control. Being this heavy, I know it's only hurting my chances of getting pregnant. So I'm going to suck it up for as long as it takes, and deal with the stomach problems and frequent headaches. Maybe if I go into it with the mindset that I refuse to let the symptoms get me down, they won't be so bad. Mind over matter, right? I'm not totally convinced, but I'm going to try it out anyway.
Wish me luck.
The day after we returned home, my mom flew in. The day after that, we took a 6 hour trip to Ft. Laurderdale. Needless to say I'm tired of looking at the inside of my car! But again, we got to see family that I don't see all that often, and it was worth the trip. And, even better, they'll be coming up for Aidan's birthday party this Saturday as well.
Speaking of my little man...we've been battling the allergies from hell. My poor baby...his eyes get all swollen, he rubs his face non-stop, sneezes, and has so much fluid in his head he's developed a cough. We're treating it with benadryl for now, but I've just noticed he's starting to develop a rash in random places on his body, so I need to take him back to the doctor. I wish more than anything we could figure out how to make it all better for him, but so far we've had no luck. The benadryl has worked better than anything else we tried, but it's still just not quite making him feel 100%. Please pray we find something soon, I don't want him to be miserable for the rest of the spring season.
On a completely different front, I finished up my third round of provera. I delayed starting it because I didn't want AF to show up while I was traveling. Also, tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment to check my blood sugar levels since I don't trust anything my previous doctor had to say. In addition, I'm going to see if I can get back on metformin. I've gained SO much weight from the provera and the clomid, and my PCOS symptoms are absolutely out of control. I know it makes me feel crappy, but I was at least able to keep my weight and symptoms under control. Being this heavy, I know it's only hurting my chances of getting pregnant. So I'm going to suck it up for as long as it takes, and deal with the stomach problems and frequent headaches. Maybe if I go into it with the mindset that I refuse to let the symptoms get me down, they won't be so bad. Mind over matter, right? I'm not totally convinced, but I'm going to try it out anyway.
Wish me luck.
04 March 2011
Realizations
My intuition was right on target. Despite seeing more than one positive OPK, I did not ovulate this cycle. Although that was the news I was expecting, it's still hard...I knew the phone call was coming, and yet I still had that familiar lump in my throat. It wasn't until Casey got back from the supermarket and I had to repeat the information to him that the tears started falling.
We had a long discussion about the next step and how I was feeling. And I came to realize a few things that maybe I had been denying to myself. First: this process is depressing me. It's not fun, and it's definitely not the experience creating a baby should be. I want my baby to be created out of love, not frustration. Part of it stems from me feeling like I'm alone in this process. As hard as my husband tries (and I know he does try) he can't wrap his head around my feelings. Second: although I can rationally tell myself that I'm doing everything I can and it's out of my control, I don't feel that way. I'm still placing blame on me and my body, and quite frankly, I'm just angry with the entire situation. Third (and this is incredibly hard for me to admit): when we lost the baby, my husband and my doctor expected me to fall to pieces, but I didn't because I thought TTCing would make me feel better. I put all of my energy into planning on trying again and convinced myself Clomid was the answer, I'd get pregnant right away and I'd just feel better. Now, the only fix I had for dealing with what happened in October is making me feel worse than it is better. Casey says I have to let it go and stop feeling guilty but I just don't know how.
So....although I've come to these realizations, I'm not sure where to go from here. I do know I need to back away from a couple of things and work a little harder on getting myself together before my funk evolves into a full blown depression.
We had a long discussion about the next step and how I was feeling. And I came to realize a few things that maybe I had been denying to myself. First: this process is depressing me. It's not fun, and it's definitely not the experience creating a baby should be. I want my baby to be created out of love, not frustration. Part of it stems from me feeling like I'm alone in this process. As hard as my husband tries (and I know he does try) he can't wrap his head around my feelings. Second: although I can rationally tell myself that I'm doing everything I can and it's out of my control, I don't feel that way. I'm still placing blame on me and my body, and quite frankly, I'm just angry with the entire situation. Third (and this is incredibly hard for me to admit): when we lost the baby, my husband and my doctor expected me to fall to pieces, but I didn't because I thought TTCing would make me feel better. I put all of my energy into planning on trying again and convinced myself Clomid was the answer, I'd get pregnant right away and I'd just feel better. Now, the only fix I had for dealing with what happened in October is making me feel worse than it is better. Casey says I have to let it go and stop feeling guilty but I just don't know how.
So....although I've come to these realizations, I'm not sure where to go from here. I do know I need to back away from a couple of things and work a little harder on getting myself together before my funk evolves into a full blown depression.
03 March 2011
CD 21 Blood Draw
So today is CD 21. I went to the doctor's office right after I dropped Aidan off at school. I brought along the paper I glued all my OPKs to, just to get a second opinion from the nurses. Unfortunately none of them know much about OPKs and suggested to me that I start charting my temp instead of using the OPKs. I think that's what I'm going to start doing. Those little strips with the two lines of varying shades have been driving me bonkers. I think my main problem is I stare at them for much too long. I told the nurses I was pretty sure I didn't ovulate...it's just my intuition. They told me not to count myself out and to stay optimistic until they call me with the results (most likely Monday). Easier said than done....
Anyway, I left there even more depressed than I have been in a while. Generally I get bummed out being in that office anyway...it just reminds me of that day. But I guess my hormones are in overdrive, because when they put me in the same room I was in when they told me the worst news of my life, I honestly thought I was going to cry. Everything hit me all at once...the smell of the room, the big framed picture of an infant's clasped hands that read "We thank God for Dr. Mixson", the picture film that covers the fluorescent light, and the sight of the stool where my husband anxiously sat waiting for me to change into a gown. It was like emotional overload for me. I held it together, but I won't lie, I hated being in that room.
So, that's it. All I have to do is try to forget everything until Monday. Everything that could be done this month, has been done. If this doesn't work though, I'm feeling like a I'm going to have to take a break from the Clomid and start on Metformin so that we can try a combination of both. Here's why:
"It is important to remember that 70 -80% of patients who will respond to Clomid will ovulate on the 50 - 100 mg dosage and of those who get pregnant 80 - 90% will do so within 3 - 4 ovulatory cycles.
That's as good an answer to all the questions I have as any. If the 100mg dose fails, I will obviously not fall into the 70-80% of women. I know it's not even certain if I have to worry about it yet, but I'm a worst case scenario type of person. No harm in planning ahead, right?
Anyway, I left there even more depressed than I have been in a while. Generally I get bummed out being in that office anyway...it just reminds me of that day. But I guess my hormones are in overdrive, because when they put me in the same room I was in when they told me the worst news of my life, I honestly thought I was going to cry. Everything hit me all at once...the smell of the room, the big framed picture of an infant's clasped hands that read "We thank God for Dr. Mixson", the picture film that covers the fluorescent light, and the sight of the stool where my husband anxiously sat waiting for me to change into a gown. It was like emotional overload for me. I held it together, but I won't lie, I hated being in that room.
So, that's it. All I have to do is try to forget everything until Monday. Everything that could be done this month, has been done. If this doesn't work though, I'm feeling like a I'm going to have to take a break from the Clomid and start on Metformin so that we can try a combination of both. Here's why:
"It is important to remember that 70 -80% of patients who will respond to Clomid will ovulate on the 50 - 100 mg dosage and of those who get pregnant 80 - 90% will do so within 3 - 4 ovulatory cycles.
What to do about Clomiphene failures? When clomiphene fails, it is extremely important to distinguish between ovulation and conception failure
Clomid Ovulation Failure: This is arbitrary defined as failure to ovulate on doses of 150 mg / day for 5 days (even though 10 - 20% of patients can ovulate on higher dosages, it is important to re-evaluate the patient at this stage. Clomiphene is also approved by the FDA for a maximum dose of 750 mg / cycle.)
a)Clomid doses can be increased to a maximum of 250 mg / day for five days or consider increasing the duration (100 mg / day for 8 days).
b) Clomid does not work well in extremely obese patients (> 200 lbs or BMI > 30).These patients usually have insulin resistance and those patients should be highly encouraged to lose weight before induction of ovulation. Insulin sensitizing agents such as Metformin (Glucophage) should be the primary treatment. Metformin can be started at the dose of 500 mg / day for one week, increased to 500 mg p.o., b.i.d. for the next week, and maintained at 500 mg p.o. t.i.d. from the third week onwards.
b) Clomid does not work well in extremely obese patients (> 200 lbs or BMI > 30).These patients usually have insulin resistance and those patients should be highly encouraged to lose weight before induction of ovulation. Insulin sensitizing agents such as Metformin (Glucophage) should be the primary treatment. Metformin can be started at the dose of 500 mg / day for one week, increased to 500 mg p.o., b.i.d. for the next week, and maintained at 500 mg p.o. t.i.d. from the third week onwards.
Patients should be placed on a BBT chart while on Metformin therapy. Approximately, 35 % of patients will ovulate on Metformin and weight loss only within 2 to 3 months of therapy. For those patients who fail to ovulate on Metformin alone, Clomid can be added at a dosage of 50 mg / day for five days. 80-90% of those patients will ovulate on Metformin and clomiphene therapy."
That's as good an answer to all the questions I have as any. If the 100mg dose fails, I will obviously not fall into the 70-80% of women. I know it's not even certain if I have to worry about it yet, but I'm a worst case scenario type of person. No harm in planning ahead, right?
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