Oy...

My temps are starting to fall. I had three straight days of 97.96 and then this morning it dropped to 97.82 degrees. For good measure I also POAS, and it came up negative. Even though I'm not sure exactly what day I ovulated, there should have been some kind of hint of a line by now. So, I'm probably out this month. A bit disappointing, especially after the initial let down of thinking the meds didn't work, and then the happy surprise of finding out that they did work. I'm not sure if I can do clomid again next month, just because you can only use it for a few cycles in a row. I'm also planning a trip to NY in June, so if the doc does want me to use it again, I'm going to have to look at the calendar and make sure I'll actually be home around about the time I should be ovulating. ::sigh::

Little Update...

I called Dr. Mixson's office this morning and my progesterone came back at an 8, which isn't bad for being just a few days after ovulation. It probably peaked at 13 again, but I won't know because I couldn't take a 7dpo blood draw. I still don't know when exactly I ovulated, but I suspect it was on CD 18, which is at least earlier than last cycle. I will know for sure when AF shows up, if AF shows up.

So now we sit and wait...which isn't too hard because I'm enjoying my vacation time in Orlando right now. It should be the fastest two week wait ever! Honestly though, it's still hard to NOT POAS. I tested today, just for the hell of it, and BFN. No surprise there because even if I am preggers, it's way too early to show up on a test, especially given I'm not 100% sure about the day that I ovulated. I pretty much just did it to get it out of my system, and I'll be good probably until we get back home on Saturday (but no promises). I don't feel any symptoms as of right now (pregnancy or PMS related)...nothing is sore, no headaches, no nausea, nothing out of the ordinary at all. Maybe as this week comes to a close that will change, but for now, I'm just happy with knowing we had another shot this month.

Even more hope...

So I was trying to find causes of erratic BBT. During my searching I found a couple of blurbs here and there about "slow rising" BBT after ovulation, something about the hormones being a bit slower to rise after ovulation, which causes a slower temp rise instead of a sharp one (like I had last month). Looking at my chart, that might be what happened to me this month. I can't find what causes it, the only things I've read say that it's normal for some women.

To recap, here's my chart from last cycle:

And this is my chart from this month:

Today was the first real rise in my temp that I saw. I'm hoping tomorrow it stays above the green cover line. If it does, then it may mean good news. I had my blood draw today, so I'll know eventually. However, the office closes early on Fridays, so I have to call at 11:30 and if they don't have my results, I will just have to try to remember to call while we're down in Orlando. Fingers crossed...

A bit of hope??

I just got off the phone with my doctor. And he said it's entirely possible that I ovulated even though I didn't see a spike in my BBT. He even said that some endocrinologists don't use temperature readings because they can be inaccurate. He said he doesn't want to go off of my temperature readings because I did have the positive OPK. So I will go in for a blood draw tomorrow to check out my progesterone levels because he wants chemical proof that I didn't ovulate. If they're extremely low we will do yet another round of provera and try again. But for now, there is still a teeny bit of hope. I'm keeping everything crossed and sending many prayers out to get some good news, and I would appreciate any good vibes you readers send my way.

Beyond frustrated

With all the different signs I've been monitoring, everything pointed to impending ovulation. I had my first positive (glaringly positive, just like last month) two days ago on Sunday. I took one in the early afternoon and one in the evening, and both were darker than the control line. Yesterday's early afternoon OPK was still positive...the line wasn't as dark as it had been, but it was most definitely still the same color as the control line. I didn't bother with the nightly test because I knew the fading test line meant my LH surge was ending. Yesterday my cervix was high, soft and open, and my CM was watery (just as it was the month before). And, I even had (what I thought was) ovulation pain in my left side over those two days. I swore up and down that this month was a success, just as last month was.

Apparently I was wrong. I woke up this morning and my BBT was higher than usual, but definitely not a spike that indicated ovulation. I had a good night's rest, and nothing was out of the ordinary. I don't get it...how could the rest of my body be signaling ovulation but my body never released the egg?!

I feel like this is a major set back. I'm unsure of what to do...I'm debating on calling my doctor and explaining this all to him to see what he thinks. I really just want some answers. Is the pain on my left side because of a cyst which prevented me from ovulating? Did my CM, cervix position, and OPK signal my body was ready for ovulation but I just didn't have any viable follicles?? I hate this...I was just starting to feel satisfied with the whole TTC process and now I feel like I'm right back at square one. Words can not express how incredibly frustrated I'm feeling.

healed

One of my best friends just had her baby boy. I was lucky enough to be there through most of her labor and the delivery. It was amazing and a little emotional because her husband is deployed. But it felt so good to meet her son and to hold a tiny little baby again after so long.

I figured this might be extremely difficult for me because our due dates were only one week apart. When we found out we were pregnant, we were so excited our babies would be born around the same time and we'd get to be pregnant together. And then I had the miscarriage, and that was it. I didn't know how I would handle having such a close friend going through a pregnancy, doing all of the things I was supposed to be doing, watching her belly grow while mine stayed empty. I really hoped I wouldn't feel the way I thought I would because she is such a great friend and I didn't want to lose that. I won't lie and say there weren't times I would look at her and wonder if my belly would be that big and silently smile my way through a pang of sadness. But it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Even still, I was unsure of how I would react to her delivery and the baby being here. I thought that might be where'd I'd fall apart all over again. I've only just recently begun feeling OK about NOT being pregnant (most of the time). I had my bad days, and I'd get all upset with the reminder of what should have been every time I got a sample of formula in the mail, or a notice for chord blood banking. So, I honestly was afraid I'd be slung right back into a depression after she had her baby.

But then the most surreal thing happened. Getting ready to wrap up a deployment, she was diagnosed with preeclampsia. She was alone here being told she may have to deliver her baby in a way she hadn't planned on. The only thing I could focus on was making sure she didn't feel alone. I can only imagine how hard it is to just want your husband by your side, and knowing you can't do anything about it. She held it together though and didn't cry the way I thought I might have. And after hours of labor, when her little boy finally came, all I could feel was excitement. She was a mommy now, and he is a beautiful little boy. I held him and fed him, and marveled over how tiny he was and how much his face reminded me of his daddy. There was no thinking about me or "this is what I was supposed to be doing" at all...until today.

Today is when it finally hit me, how close I would have been to having a new little addition to our family. And I don't feel the way I thought I would feel. It's sad, yes, but I don't feel the need to cry or feel as depressed as I was before. I think I've finally accepted it. It was an awful experience that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. When I was trying to work through it, I wasn't sure I'd ever fully heal or be OK with what happened. And I didn't think I'd ever stop feeling so alone in my grief. I thought it would be a bit more bittersweet than this, that I would be more upset especially after having held a baby that isn't my own. But there's just sweetness, no bitterness...a touch of sadness, yes of course, but mostly just happy that there is a new baby and that my close friend gets to experience the kind of love you can only feel when you're a mom. For the first time in a long time, even with being reminded of what should have been, I am OK. Better than that, I am healed.