Test Results

Dr. Mixson just called with the results of my blood test.  It seems my progesterone levels were not high, and it was very likely that I did not ovulate this month.  Hearing those words was like a blow to the stomach.  I literally got nauseous thinking of having to do this process all over again.  Ten more days of provera, five more days of clomid that we don't even know will work, two more week spent in agony, waiting, waiting, waiting.  More dreams of beautiful babies that (I feel) won't ever mine.  Casey says it's better than if he called to say we'll never have another baby.  And that's true, but it doesn't make me any less angry (at my body), sad (if only I hadn't lost our last baby), or incredibly let down.

I feel so foolish for getting my hopes up....for letting my mind trick my body into thinking the clomid worked and that we even had a chance.  Everyone always scolds me for not being optimistic, for always seeing the glass half empty.  Well, if all I'm rewarded with is a nice dose of disappointment, then I'd rather be the pessimist and prepare for the worst.  At least then, I won't have to come crashing down from that hopeful high.  At least then, I can brace myself for the hurt when reality slaps me in the face.  You can balk at the idea of always being so negative, but I'm telling you from experience, being let down hurts a lot less when your hopes weren't up to begin with.  I learned that a long time ago.

I know it's not over and I know we still have chances to try again.  I get that.  But it doesn't make me feel any less of a failure, and it doesn't make me hate my body any less.  I can't ovulate on my own.  My body is so screwed up, even a simple dose of clomid won't fix it.  I don't even know what it's going to take to even give us a shot at getting pregnant again.  I hate feeling like, if I didn't have all these problems from PCOS, we might still be pregnant.  I hate knowing that I want nothing more than to have another baby, but I can't because of me and my body.  I am what's wrong with this picture.  So yeah, we can try all we want to, but I'll never escape the fact that I am the problem and it's my fault.  How can I not be angry, frustrated, and hurt just thinking about that?

Baby Dreams

I had the best dream this morning.  It was actually pretty odd considering who was in it in the beginning (some people I knew from HS but haven't spoken to in forever).  But the main point was, I was pregnant.  At first I was seeing the positive pregnancy test, and then like 2 minutes later (dream time) I was in labor rushing to the hospital.  I was supposed to have another c-section, but I ended up arriving in the nick of time, so there was no time for one.  I pushed the baby out and it was a boy.  A big chunky little boy with the cutest little face.  I remember marveling at how good I felt, being able to get up and walk around that very day with no pain.  I was holding my little one, and saying, "The people at this hospital don't know how to swaddle like they did in Guam." because his swaddle was a little loose.  But I keep holding him and staring like I couldn't believe I actually had him.  Even weirder, I couldn't pick a name.  I kept calling him Braylen, and then I'd say, "No, no that's not right.  Brayden?"  I was trying to find a 'B' name that I liked.  I was so in love, I just wanted to make sure the name was right.  Just before I woke up, I was looking at him, studying his face and comparing him to Aidan.  That part was so real, I had trouble remembering that it was just a dream as Casey woke up me up to kiss me goodbye before he left for work.

Shocked.

Today has been a very busy day.  I got up at 8, and anxiously got ready to go have my CD 21 blood draw to determine if the dose of clomid they started me out with was sufficient enough to make me ovulate.  Even though I knew I wouldn't get the results I could feel the tightness in my head as my blood pressure rose.  Not good, I know.  I need to keep it under control.

Anyway, so I decided to run my errands to allow me to walk around...the only exercise I was going to get today since I had Aidan with me.  I stopped off at Walmart and got whatever I knew the commissary wasn't carrying.  While I was at it, I bought Aidan this huge yellow tube of mini M&Ms because he was such a good boy while I was at the doctor's and while I shopped at Walmart.  I also knew it would last him through my short trip to the commissary, so it was a good investment on my part.  I went from Walmart to the commissary...a 5 minute drive.  I did my thing, and got everything I needed to get, no problem.  And just as I suspected, the tube of candy lasted my entire trip to the commissary.  Aidan ran out of M&M's just as we were about to check out.

I didn't have money to tip the baggers.  And I always feel insanely guilty about letting them bag my stuff without leaving something.  But I saw the self-check out was completely empty.  I didn't know if I had 40 items or less, but there were a couple of regular check out lines empty.  I decided, screw it, I would just check myself out, I wouldn't be holding anyone up.  So I chose the bigger check out station, with the bags that sit on the carousel because I had a good amount of stuff to check out.

I started with my frozen goods because they were sitting on the seat of the cart (Aidan was sitting in the big part of the cart with the rest of my stuff).  I start ringing up my items.  Right away on my first item, the computer tells me that the weight for the item I rung up is wrong, and to please putt the correct item in the bag.  I shifted the bag so that it sat on the metal part instead of sitting on the stack of empty bags behind it.  So I continue to ring up the 7 boxes of kid cuisines I got for Aidan.  I get to about the 5th box, and the computer tells me the weight isn't right, again.  I wiggle the second bag I started on, thinking I was having the same problem.  I try to scan the next box, and it won't scan.  The computer tells me to please wait while someone comes to help me.  Mind you, I'm at the station RIGHT in front of the cashier who's supposed to keep an eye on everything.

So the lady comes over right away, swipes her badge, and I go to finish ringing up the boxes.  Then out of nowhere she stops me and goes, "Those aren't rung up, I need to take them out of the bag." and she starts taking the kid cuisines out of the bag.  I'm like, "What?!?!".  There's no way they didn't, I was paying attention, I know they rung up.  So before I can recheck, she starts re-ringing them, trying to keep tabs on what's going up on the screen.  She's all over the place, trying to count how many mac n cheese boxes I have and how many chicken nuggets and match them to the screwy items I have up on the screen.  I'm like, "Ma'am they're all there."  She argued with me and told me they weren't.  I told her, "No, look, beef patty is for the hamburger, Chick bread is for the breaded nuggets, and cheese blast is for the mac and cheese."  She stops for a minute and looks at the screen, and says "No, these aren't paid for."

At this point the few people there were in the store are staring at me, including the baggers who didn't have anything to bag.  So I tell her, "Look, they're all $1.50.  There are 8 items rung up, seven of them are $1.50.  That's the five boxes I run up originally and the two you just did.  Look at the screen there are seven charges for $1.50.  They're not coming up as Kid Cuisine, they're coming up as the type of meal that they are."  Finally, after really LOOKING at what I was saying about the screen, she says to me, "Oh, ok, I was mistaken, I'm sorry."  And walks off.

At the same time, her manager had come over to see what the trouble was.  He got there just as she was walking off, and she didn't tell him anything.  So he's hovering over me, staring and watching everything that I do.  I'm like are you kidding????  So I'm ringing up the rest of my items, keeping an eye out, making sure Aidan doesn't put anything in the bags that are already packed, because I can imagine how THAT would have looked.

I get everything all set, and the manager goes back into his office, when the lady goes, "You need to pay for those M&Ms."  I just look at her...like do you seriously thing I'm trying to pull a fast one on you?!?!?!  I told her he came into the store with those, and I could show her the receipt that was in my purse if she needed me to.  By the way, in the commissary, they don't even SELL the giant tubes of M&M minis...they only sell the small blue tubes.  You'd think if she worked there, she'd know that.  Anyway, she tells me, "Oh, OK."  That's it.  No apology for making me look like a shady ass thief, no telling her manager that she was mistaken, nothing....just "Oh, OK." And people were STILL staring, like they couldn't believe I'd try to steal in front of my child.  I probably wouldn't be so mad had people not stared.  I was mortified.  Not to mention I had the manager breathing down my neck, making me feel like they were convinced I was up to something.  I tried to keep my cool, and didn't make a scene because I didn't want to draw even more attention to the situation, but I'm still really upset.

Needless to say, my blood pressure went right back up after that episode and I'm right back where I started.

My how things have changed.

Recently I went back and read every single blog post I had on myspace, and one of them made me laugh, hard.  But before I share it with you, I must say I have to chuckle at some of the things I wrote about.  It's funny to look back at all the little things that would put me into a tizzy.  Anyone who doesn't believe that mommyhood has put life into perspective and mellowed me out some, I invite them to go read some of the crazy I had going on!  I also realize I hardly blogged for fun, it was mostly to vent.  Reading blog after blog, rant after rant, I sounded so angry!  I swear I wasn't....there WERE good times that I had on Guam!  Why did I not share them all?  Also....I was a potty mouth!  I drop the occasional F-bomb here and there on Facebook (the new myspace), but I feel weird about cursing someone or something out on my status.  Is it the mommy in me, or just the grown up version of me?  I mean, don't get me wrong, I still curse, probably more than I should in real life.  But I'm not sure I'd ever hop on here and just let it rip.  So reading it all over again, I definitely see some personal growth.

As I said, I had to giggle at some of my entries.  Some of them brought memories flooding back.  I kind of miss it.  Being out in Guam, keeping tally of the earthquakes (10 by the time I left), tsunami and typhoon warnings (1 a piece), and complaining about how I badly I wanted to leave the island where no one knew how to drive and people regularly brought their infants to rated R movies.  And I miss my friends.  I was lucky to meet such good people out there.  I know I complain about the downsides of being a navy wife a lot, but one of the (huge) ups is, I have met some amazing people that would not be in my life, had it not been for the Navy.  And the luckiest of them were witnesses to some of the strangest happenings in my life (like dropping my keys down an elevator shaft).

Anyway, without further adieu, here is possibly, the most entertaining blog post I have ever written.  Enjoy!

[24 Jun 2007 | Sunday] 

yeah lets talk about it.

Current mood:  aggravated

okay, so, bad day. and i'm convinced it was all started by the plague of frogs. no shit, it's like a damn PLAGUE. they're all over the streets and the sidewalks. And i'm not talking like one here, one there, I'm talking groups of threes and fours every few feet. it's like a party and the humans weren't invited. anyways, i say it's all because of the frogs because, it's not normal. i should have known today would be a bad day becauce the frogs were partying in the streets. if that's not a fucking sign, what is???

so, last night, i'm coming home from christy's house at around 11-ish or so. i'm at the last stop sign before my street, and having successfully swerved through the frogs in the road, i feel pretty accomplished. only, when i turn into my street, i see that the cop i was passing on the other side of the road has turned around and FOLLOWS ME HOME. yes, he was right on my ass til i got into the garage. he claims i was speeding, which i wasn't. and i know this because he says, do you know why i followed you? tempted to say "to fulfill the lack of human interaction you've had on your exciting shift?", i instead said no, actually i dont. so he tells me i was, and i quote, "kind of speeding". And you could tell that HOW?? when you were driving in the opposite direction, and obviously didn't have a radar on, because my estimated speed was "kind of speeding". OK, i'll indulge you, "I'm sorry, I'll keep it down next time". THEN he says you also didn't stop at the stop sign. UM, YES I DID. He says "no you just stopped looked, saw no one was coming, and kept going." Now I'm sorry isn't that the POINT????????? Even if i WAS speeding through housing, blowing ALL of the stop signs, there is still NO ONE AROUND for me to hit. So he's all "well, i'll let you go this time". well gee thanks. if he was just going to let me go, why the fuck follow me all the way to my goddamned house, and give me grief??

oh, but it gets better. when i got up this morning to do my errands, i got into the car, turned the key, and nothing. not even a turn over. i'm like FUCK, what the hell is wrong with my car???? then i realize, ok the battery must have died. i look at the dash, and sure enough, like an asshole, i had left the lights on in the car, because i was too busy bieng pissed off that this cop harrassed me. so now i'm like, ok, no problem, christy can come and jump me. but first i have to PUSH my pickup out of the garage so she can reach it. and to do this, i realize i have to figure out which gear is neutral. so i get out of the car, and at first attempted to go to the computer to look it up. then i figured, i can just figure it out by having josiah push, and when it moves, it's obviously neutral. i go to get in the car, and it's locked.

THE FUCKING DOOR LOCKED ITSELF. oh but wait, my keys are not the only thing locked in the car. my purse, with all my money, credit cards, and atm cards, my base id, my cell phone.....basically my whole life is in that car. i'm like, wait, don't panic. i told casey to leave his keys. i go to get the keys, and they're gone. he took them. here's where i start screming obscenities in my garage so that the entire neighborhood can hear that i can put a sailor to shame. WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE KEYS GONNA DO FOR HIS ASS ON A FUCKING SUBMARINE??????? i was PISSED. infuriated even. i could not BELIEVE this shit. i call base security and they basically tell me, ha well sucks for you because we won't break into anyone's car for liability reasons. Well i'm so fucking glad base security is here to help me out of a jam. they couldn't even give me the number to someone who could help me. WHAT THE FUCK.

anyways, i made myself a strong drink, and called a guy in the phone book, who christy had to go pick up at the pass and ID office. when she tried to get him a base pass, he handed the guy a GUN permit instead of a license. HE DIDN'T HAVE ONE! finally, she ends up having to drive him to my house in HER car.  he finally gets in after 20 minutes of sweating all over my damn truck. THEN, he tells me, oh, cash only, as i whip out the check book. oh yeah? hold on, let me swipe my atm card down the crack of my ass so i can pay you. i tell him, i don't HAVE any cash, who do i make it out to? he's like no you can't. i said look, i can make it out to cash and you can walk into navy federal on your way out the gate and cash it there (he had to leave his truck in the bank parking lot for crying out loud it's not like he had to go out of his way), but i don't have it. if you don't take a check, you're not gettin paid. he finally took the damn check.

so, it starts pouring and we can't finish the job we INITIALLY set out to do, which was, JUMP MY FRIGGEN CAR. we go off to the mall, and come back a couple of hours later. we managed to push my car out of the garage, and christy successfully jumps the car. i go to get back into the car to get something out of it, and the door is locked AGAIN. i swear this car has it out for me. LUCKILY the other door was open. needless to say i'm going to get another car key made, and i'm giving it to sarah to hold on to, because i know she won't be RUDE and take it on a submarine with her.

anyways, i left it running for a half and hour, then turned it off to see if it would start while i still had christy sitting in my driveway, just in case i needed a jump. good thing too because it wouldn't start. we reattached the cables, and it STILL wouldn't start. i'm freaking out because i need a car. she calls her dad, who was clueless as to what to do. then she calls her mom, super car genuis, because shes using all these technical terms and shit, asking of the car is fuel injected and what not. finally she tells me to turn the key and give it some gas. of course i flood it because i have no idea what a light foot is. after waiting and trying again, problem solved. but, i had to drive it around with NO AC and NO RADIO, in the muggy heat for almost an hour for the battery to re-charge. i swear, could ANYTHING ELSE possibly happen???? fucking frogs.

Premonition or Just Obsessed?

I dreamed last night of getting a BFP.  The details are hazy, but I remember waking up thinking I was pregnant.  We're in this two week wait, and I have a ways to go before I can even contemplate testing.  I haven't even been obsessing over it because I still need that blood test to confirm the clomid worked.  I don't know if my baby fever is finally coming back to me in full force, or if my body is telling my subconscious something.

I don't mind having these dreams....they actually make me smile, even if they are just a product of my obsession.  It reminds of what's in store for me.  Whether it happens this month, or three months from now, I'm excited.  I just need to keep focused on that when I have moments of impatience or frustration....easier said than done!

And so it starts.

I'm officially in the two week wait (aka 2WW).  It will be two long weeks before we find out if this round of clomid was successful or not.  Well, let me rephrase.  My blood draw on the 21st will determine of the clomid did it's job...we won't find out if Casey's swimmers found their way to the right spot until the last week in January.  I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm anxious...I'm all over the place!  I have two pregnancy tests sitting in the cabinet under my sink.  I know that if and when I get the news that my progesterone levels look good, it will take ALL of my will power to not pee on them!  I will admit, I'm a POAS addict, but unfortunately our wallets can't support such a habit.  I could start buying the 99 cent tests, but those don't make for good pregnancy announcement pictures to put on Facebook/ASA/JM.

So there we go.  I'm feeling like my seven year old self, waiting the two weeks before Christmas, wishing time would just speed up.  I just want to know one way or the other.  The not knowing is the crappy part.  Once you find out for sure you're not, it's one day of bummer, and then you start planning for next month.  The not knowing makes you feel like you're in limbo, where you can't help but overanalyze every little possible symptom.  It's enough to drive someone mad.  I'm just praying I can find enough to do in the next two weeks that will make time go by faster.

Funny Thing

Even though I get weepy more easily because of these raging hormones, I have also found I also get happy highs.  Sometimes it'll hit me and I'll be so optimistic about doing the clomid this month, and I'll get on this happy high, felling like for sure this is it for us.  It's weird...sometimes I'm just so unsure, and then five minutes later I'll be on this "WOO HOO I can't wait to see two pink lines at the end of the month!" kick.

Another weird thing....I'm wanting a girl.  SHOCKER, I know.  I mean I really really really want my little Jackson.  But I feel like if it were a girl, I'd be equally as happy.  Not so long ago I was dreading the thought of conceiving a girl because we'd have to get all new things, and I'd have to do pink (bleh) and enjoy teenage girl drama down the road.  Now is different...I think maybe the whole miscarriage thing put it into perspective for me.  I'd be blessed to have either, boy or girl, it doesn't matter.

So hurry up January, geez, you're going by so slow!  I just want to know, is this really it for us?  Dare I get my hopes up?  I think so....yes, I do think my hopes are up.

Oh hormones...you kill me.

For a couple of days there, I was seriously afraid the Clomid dose wasn't enough.  I kept hearing about these hot flashes and mood swings, but I just wasn't seeing it.  Not until yesterday, anyway.  My last day of the Clomid treatment and the hormones just slapped me upside the head.  I know this because I fought with my husband yesterday...I mean really fought with him.  We've had disagreements, but I can count on one hand how many times it escalated to the point where one of us left the house in frustration and anger.  I'm not placing blame on the Clomid, just wondering if it had exacerbated the problem.  I probably would have been annoyed with everything that happened, but I don't know if I would have taken everything so personally, had I not had so much estrogen coursing through my body.

I feel badly that things got so out of hand.  I despise fighting with my husband...I can't stand to be mad at him and I hate when he's upset with me.  But I couldn't help it.  There was one point I was so filled with rage, I didn't know what to do with myself.  So I left.  I took the keys and took off to try and calm down.  I didn't want to break anything or act insane in front of my son, so I did the only thing I could think of.  Unfortunately it did not go over well with Casey, but like I said...I was more angry than I can ever remember being.  When I came back, I tried explaining what was wrong as calmly as I could, but it wasn't working.  I must have been drunk with estrogen, because hard as I tried, I couldn't articulate what the problem was, I could only yell and cry.  And you know how I know it was hormonal???  Because amid all of the rage and the anger, I looked in my husband's eyes and I was so sorry it had gotten to this point, I just cried.  From anger to sadness in 2.5 seconds.  Now tell me that isn't frustrating...especially when you're in the middle of an argument that has yet to be resolved.

Anyway, after I hopped off the proverbial emotional roller coaster, I took a minute to collect my thoughts and speak rationally.  We resolved our issue, said our apologies (we were both at fault) and moved on.  But all day today it's been nagging at me.  Hindsight is 20/20 and had my husband even mentioned hormones last night I might have strangled him.  But I can't help but wonder, how would it have gone if there was no extra estrogen floating around? Could I have kept a level head and just hashed it out reasonably like we always do?  I wish I could say for sure, but I honestly have no idea.

I don't know if I can handle monthly rounds of this kind of insanity, but I don't see any other option.  I suppose it could be worse...this is only the minimum dose of Clomid.  Godforbid they increase the dosage, I'll have to sequester myself to prevent creating another emotional nightmare lol.  Yet another reason for me to hope against hope against hope that this is it for us...this month is the month.

Tomorrow is D-Day!

Well....tomorrow is CD 5, which means I start clomid!  I'm going to put up sticky notes all over so I don't forget to take my pill lol.  I'm excited and nervous at the same time.  So many things are going through my mind.  I don't know if this is going to put more pressure on us, or take some pressure off.  I'm really hoping this dose is enough to get the job done!

For those of you who don't know what clomid is or how it works, I'll explain what I've read.  Basically my body doesn't ovulate.  The hormone balance needed to produce and release an egg every month is off, so I can go for months and months and months without ever ovulating or having a cycle.  The metformin was helping to correct that balance and allowing me to ovulate more often (but still not regularly) and that's how I got pregnant in September.  However, the side effects from the metformin made me miserable.  Thankfully clomid is another option.  Basically clomid will block the estrogen receptors in my brain and trick my body into thinking there isn't enough estrogen.  In turn my body will produce more estrogen than it normally does, allowing me to produce a mature follicle.  There is a minute chance (about 7% according to my doctor) there will be more than one egg released, resulting in twins, but that's a chance I'm willing to take!  Possible side effects of taking clomid are hyperovulation, where the ovary just keeps producing eggs, which can also result in a loss of the ovary.  Also, a thinning of the uterus which can increase chances of miscarriage (but that's from long term use).  With every dosage increase, the chances of these side effects increase.  That's why I'm hoping this minimal dose works.

So we'll see!  I've heard clomid makes you an emotional mess, so that should be fun.  I can't even worry over it too much.  All I can think about is, by this time next week, we could be making a baby!

Starting Another TTC Journey

Well, here we go again.  Today is officially CD 1...I didn't plan it to be that way, but I suppose it's fitting.  I'll be starting clomid on CD 5 and take it until CD 9 (the minimal starting dose), hopefully ovulating around CD 11-13.  On CD 21, I'll be heading into the doctor's office to check my progesterone levels and make sure the clomid worked (keeping my fingers tightly crossed on that one).  Shortly thereafter, barring any problems with the dose of clomid, I'll be testing like a mad woman at the end of January (AF due on/around the 28th).  I'm anxious....a little nervous, and dare I say, a tad bit excited?  I'm not sure, but I do know that I'm trying hard to a) not get my hopes up, and b) not be pessimistic.  I'm finding that it requires a bit of work to be neither hopeful nor cynical, but I'm up for the challenge.

Physically, I'm OK.  I'm still bummed out that my body has betrayed me and the miscarriage didn't even have the upside of bringing me regular cycles.  I absolutely hate that it has come to this...taking pills and counting days.  I'm still trying to find reason all of it...the PCOS, the miscarriage, the trying, trying, and trying.  Is this supposed to make me appreciate being pregnant more?  Am I supposed to be more grateful when I finally hold my child in my arms?  Did I take Aidan for granted?  His birth, his infancy, all the little things that I miss horribly...the same things that make me ache for another baby, did I not appreciate them enough?  I really don't know.  I know how I felt at the time, but there's no kind of measuring cup or standard I can weigh my feelings against.

I have to admit, I'm struggling to find meaning in this entire process.  I'm usually the first to say, "Everything happens for a reason".  And true to form, for everything that's ever happened to me, I can rationalize and map out all the big and little events in my life that have led me to this very second....except for this.  And it drives me insane.  I guess it really doesn't matter, because I don't think knowing why will ever get me through the pain of losing my baby, or make me feel any better about this emotional roller coaster of a journey.

So, here we are.  New year, new cycle, new TTC journey.  I'm praying hard that this year will be different.  I'm hoping there won't be any more frustration, no more heartache...just two pinks lines and an ever growing belly.