Starting Another TTC Journey

Well, here we go again.  Today is officially CD 1...I didn't plan it to be that way, but I suppose it's fitting.  I'll be starting clomid on CD 5 and take it until CD 9 (the minimal starting dose), hopefully ovulating around CD 11-13.  On CD 21, I'll be heading into the doctor's office to check my progesterone levels and make sure the clomid worked (keeping my fingers tightly crossed on that one).  Shortly thereafter, barring any problems with the dose of clomid, I'll be testing like a mad woman at the end of January (AF due on/around the 28th).  I'm anxious....a little nervous, and dare I say, a tad bit excited?  I'm not sure, but I do know that I'm trying hard to a) not get my hopes up, and b) not be pessimistic.  I'm finding that it requires a bit of work to be neither hopeful nor cynical, but I'm up for the challenge.

Physically, I'm OK.  I'm still bummed out that my body has betrayed me and the miscarriage didn't even have the upside of bringing me regular cycles.  I absolutely hate that it has come to this...taking pills and counting days.  I'm still trying to find reason all of it...the PCOS, the miscarriage, the trying, trying, and trying.  Is this supposed to make me appreciate being pregnant more?  Am I supposed to be more grateful when I finally hold my child in my arms?  Did I take Aidan for granted?  His birth, his infancy, all the little things that I miss horribly...the same things that make me ache for another baby, did I not appreciate them enough?  I really don't know.  I know how I felt at the time, but there's no kind of measuring cup or standard I can weigh my feelings against.

I have to admit, I'm struggling to find meaning in this entire process.  I'm usually the first to say, "Everything happens for a reason".  And true to form, for everything that's ever happened to me, I can rationalize and map out all the big and little events in my life that have led me to this very second....except for this.  And it drives me insane.  I guess it really doesn't matter, because I don't think knowing why will ever get me through the pain of losing my baby, or make me feel any better about this emotional roller coaster of a journey.

So, here we are.  New year, new cycle, new TTC journey.  I'm praying hard that this year will be different.  I'm hoping there won't be any more frustration, no more heartache...just two pinks lines and an ever growing belly.