So we went ahead with our Halloween party last night. I was in some pain but I did the best I could. I have to admit, I was in no mood to dress up, but I wanted to make my husband happy and at least try to have a good time. So I got all dolled up in my sultry vampire dress, did my hair and makeup and did my best to chit chat with guests. Thankfully Star, Patrick and Sissy were the first people here, and being around them was an instant pick-me-up.
I ended up having a good time with my friends. Halfway through the party, Star asked to borrow some sweats because she was cold, and I happily lent her a pair then changed into a pair myself. After getting comfy I felt much better.
All in all, I thought it would be much harder to be social and try to act like my normal self, even though I'm not feeling normal. But I have an awesome support system. And even though I'm still grieving, I'm so grateful for those "normal" moments where I don't remember how sad I am.
I have an appointment with the midwife on Wednesday. I'm hoping that if we make a plan to try again, it'll make me feel better. I'm not ready to jump right back into trying, even though the doctor said we can start immediately. But I'm stressing out about how long it took us this last time, and having to be on metformin. I'm hoping that instead of the metformin, I can skip all the headaches and tummy troubles and take the clomid instead. I think knowing that we have some sort of plan will put my mind at ease and I won't feel pressured to start trying right away.
But for now, I'm happy with trying to get back on track. Every day it gets a little easier and I feel a little less depressed. I have a lot to distract myself, with school, planning an upcoming visit with my sister, and a plan to lose the weight I gained by indulging in every pregnancy craving lol. The hardest part is dealing with the pregnancy symptoms that are lingering. Hopefully those fade quickly and I can just get back to feeling like my normal self.
31 October 2010
29 October 2010
Just Starting
OK. Forgive me if I have any huge spelling errors or if reading this is hard to understand, as I'm still feeling the effects of the anesthesia.
I went to the hospital this morning to have the D&C done. Everyone was really nice, and I wasn't too nervous by the time I had gotten there. I met the other doctor, Dr. DiLorenzo, since my doctor was out of town, and she was great. I guess the whole thing took about 15 minutes...it took longer for me to wake up than it did to complete the whole procedure.
Going into it I was just numb. I knew what I was going in there for, and I wasn't exactly happy. When the doctor was talking to me, she said usually the reason a missed miscarriage occurs is because of chromosomal abnormalities, which I understood. And then she said the probability of this happening again was so slim. It made me cry though, because I couldn't believe I was having to do this even once. I don't even want to face having to do this again.
Anyway, once in the OR, I remember then trying to warm me up because I was freezing. Then I freaked out because there was pain in my arm...I guess the anesthesia hurts when it enters your system. I asked the doc if that was normal and I remember him saying, "Yes it's OK, don't worry you're going to be fine." and then, nothing. Next thing I know I'm waking up next to a nurse and I asked her if it was over. She said yes and gave me some demerol for the pain. When she walked out to get Casey it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks: Our baby was really gone. And so I cried, again.
You would think I would have been prepared for that feeling but I really wasn't. There's no words to describe how badly that hurt...it was almost as if I was finding it out for the first time. Even now, 7 hours later, I'm still struggling not to cry. I still can't wrap my head around all of this. I can't even contemplate trying again. I know I was only weeks pregnant, but I feel like I lost this big piece of myself. And every time I forget about it and go on with some menial task, I'm reminded by a TV commercial, or a FB post, or the sight of tampons under the sink about what we lost. I don't know how I expected to feel, but it wasn't this. I thought the relief of having it over would be great. But instead, I feel like the hurt is just starting and I have no idea when it's going to stop.
I went to the hospital this morning to have the D&C done. Everyone was really nice, and I wasn't too nervous by the time I had gotten there. I met the other doctor, Dr. DiLorenzo, since my doctor was out of town, and she was great. I guess the whole thing took about 15 minutes...it took longer for me to wake up than it did to complete the whole procedure.
Going into it I was just numb. I knew what I was going in there for, and I wasn't exactly happy. When the doctor was talking to me, she said usually the reason a missed miscarriage occurs is because of chromosomal abnormalities, which I understood. And then she said the probability of this happening again was so slim. It made me cry though, because I couldn't believe I was having to do this even once. I don't even want to face having to do this again.
Anyway, once in the OR, I remember then trying to warm me up because I was freezing. Then I freaked out because there was pain in my arm...I guess the anesthesia hurts when it enters your system. I asked the doc if that was normal and I remember him saying, "Yes it's OK, don't worry you're going to be fine." and then, nothing. Next thing I know I'm waking up next to a nurse and I asked her if it was over. She said yes and gave me some demerol for the pain. When she walked out to get Casey it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks: Our baby was really gone. And so I cried, again.
You would think I would have been prepared for that feeling but I really wasn't. There's no words to describe how badly that hurt...it was almost as if I was finding it out for the first time. Even now, 7 hours later, I'm still struggling not to cry. I still can't wrap my head around all of this. I can't even contemplate trying again. I know I was only weeks pregnant, but I feel like I lost this big piece of myself. And every time I forget about it and go on with some menial task, I'm reminded by a TV commercial, or a FB post, or the sight of tampons under the sink about what we lost. I don't know how I expected to feel, but it wasn't this. I thought the relief of having it over would be great. But instead, I feel like the hurt is just starting and I have no idea when it's going to stop.
28 October 2010
Good news (kind of)
The on call doctor just called me and said we could schedule the D&C for tomorrow at 9 am. I'm so relieved we have a plan. I'm still nervous as hell and sad. But at least I'm not stressing over when it's going to happen. I'm looking forward to just starting the healing process.
As if it weren't hard enough....
Well....you all know I had decided on the D&C. I called early this morning to set it all up, but it turns out my doctor will be away until Tuesday. He had told me that yesterday but also told me it shouldn't be a problem to have the doctor who's backing him up while he's gone to do it. So when I called, the woman who schedules D&Cs told me since the doctor is gone, she's going to give the message to the midwife (who was pretty much handling my pregnancy) and I have to wait for her to call me back. I was really hoping I could get this done like, tomorrow. I'm totally kicking myself that I didn't decide on this yesterday.
And, to boot, the spotting/bleeding has come back. So now I don't even know if I'll make it until next week for them to do it, which is crappy because I know I won't be able to relax until it's done. We're supposed to have a Halloween party on Saturday (it's Casey's favorite holiday, he's been planning this for weeks, and canceling it won't bring my baby back, so I told him not to cancel), and I'm super worried that it'll happen that day or night. Or tomorrow while Casey is at work, and I'm here alone with Aidan so I won't be able to take the pain meds they gave me.
The whole miscarriage thing is heartbreaking enough. Now I have to just wait around, and that makes it so much worse. I feel depressed, anxious, worried, and stressed all at the same time and there doesn't seem to be a fix. I thought the hardest part would be dealing with the initial shock from the news, but this is way worse.
And, to boot, the spotting/bleeding has come back. So now I don't even know if I'll make it until next week for them to do it, which is crappy because I know I won't be able to relax until it's done. We're supposed to have a Halloween party on Saturday (it's Casey's favorite holiday, he's been planning this for weeks, and canceling it won't bring my baby back, so I told him not to cancel), and I'm super worried that it'll happen that day or night. Or tomorrow while Casey is at work, and I'm here alone with Aidan so I won't be able to take the pain meds they gave me.
The whole miscarriage thing is heartbreaking enough. Now I have to just wait around, and that makes it so much worse. I feel depressed, anxious, worried, and stressed all at the same time and there doesn't seem to be a fix. I thought the hardest part would be dealing with the initial shock from the news, but this is way worse.
Decision Made
Last night was awful. The spotting and cramping went away. But I couldn't sleep because I kept wondering when it would happen. I was afraid I'd be asleep and hemorrhage. Then I thought, what if it happens when I'm out grocery shopping, or when we have company over on Saturday? It was driving me insane. I can't live like this not knowing when my body is finally going to realize my baby is gone. So I'm going to call the doc and schedule the D&C. I just want this to be done so I can heal and move on. I'm super nervous about having to go under, but I emotionally I think I'll be better off knowing when to expect it.
On a different note...I appreciate all the love and support. But I'm struggling with the phone calls. I know everyone is just trying to tell me they love me and they're here for me. I just don't think anyone realizes how much it hurts. I'll get to a point where I'll feel semi-normal because I've forgotten what kind of a hellish day I've had, and the phone will ring with someone wanting to check on me. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that people want me to know they are here for me, and there are certain phone calls that do make me feel better. But, I'm not going to lie, there were times I didn't even pick up the phone. Please don't be offended if you were one of those people who got the machine. It's not personal, I just need time.
Anyway. I'm praying today will be a better day. I'm already fighting off tears thinking about having to call the doctor to schedule this thing. But maybe having Casey home and taking care of my Aidan will keep me busy enough to where I don't have to dwell on it.
On a different note...I appreciate all the love and support. But I'm struggling with the phone calls. I know everyone is just trying to tell me they love me and they're here for me. I just don't think anyone realizes how much it hurts. I'll get to a point where I'll feel semi-normal because I've forgotten what kind of a hellish day I've had, and the phone will ring with someone wanting to check on me. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that people want me to know they are here for me, and there are certain phone calls that do make me feel better. But, I'm not going to lie, there were times I didn't even pick up the phone. Please don't be offended if you were one of those people who got the machine. It's not personal, I just need time.
Anyway. I'm praying today will be a better day. I'm already fighting off tears thinking about having to call the doctor to schedule this thing. But maybe having Casey home and taking care of my Aidan will keep me busy enough to where I don't have to dwell on it.
27 October 2010
Oddly enough...
I remembered something today that I haven't thought about since I was pregnant with Aidan....
Five years ago, I went to see a psychic. Before you scoff at me, let me just say it was all in fun. I was contemplating getting back together with Casey, and my best friend and I were supposed to go out and see a movie. Instead, on a whim, we saw a psychic and got tattoos. Anyway, that's not the point of this story. There are many non-believers out there, and there was a time I was skeptical. But looking back, even now especially, I think the woman has a gift.
She told me many things that day. Among them that I would be married to my soulmate before I was 24. That I would be moving to warmer climates. And that she sees four boys in my future, but that one of them wasn't there anymore. She said she sees me suffering a loss, and that I would want to push my husband away and handle it on my own, but not to. She told me I needed to lean on him and his support would get me through it. Honest to God, that's exactly what she told me.
I remember when I was pregnant with Aidan, I was terrified I would miscarry because of what she told me...well not because of it, more that it would come true just like everything else did. After I had a healthy little boy, I completely forgot about what she had told me. Until today. I don't even know why I remembered it, it came out of nowhere.
When I told Casey, he said, "You know what that means then, right? That means we have two more boys coming." That part of it is comforting.
I know it's not my fault and I know that everything happens for a reason. But I still can't figure out how to handle it. I'm trying really hard to not be depressed, to look at the "bright side" of things. I'm trying to lean on my husband and let him help me get through this. But every time someone calls to check on me, I just want to cry all over again.
I'm not sure when I'll get back to feeling normal. I'm going through the motions, but I just don't feel normal. I have to remind myself that it's OK to take motrin for my headache because it can't hurt the baby, and I feel like crap. In my head I know it's OK to take a maxalt for the pain in my head but emotionally, I can't bring myself to open the package. When we have the Halloween party, I know I can drink, but I also know I won't be able to bring myself to do it. I just want it to be over, but I don't know how to just...move on.
Five years ago, I went to see a psychic. Before you scoff at me, let me just say it was all in fun. I was contemplating getting back together with Casey, and my best friend and I were supposed to go out and see a movie. Instead, on a whim, we saw a psychic and got tattoos. Anyway, that's not the point of this story. There are many non-believers out there, and there was a time I was skeptical. But looking back, even now especially, I think the woman has a gift.
She told me many things that day. Among them that I would be married to my soulmate before I was 24. That I would be moving to warmer climates. And that she sees four boys in my future, but that one of them wasn't there anymore. She said she sees me suffering a loss, and that I would want to push my husband away and handle it on my own, but not to. She told me I needed to lean on him and his support would get me through it. Honest to God, that's exactly what she told me.
I remember when I was pregnant with Aidan, I was terrified I would miscarry because of what she told me...well not because of it, more that it would come true just like everything else did. After I had a healthy little boy, I completely forgot about what she had told me. Until today. I don't even know why I remembered it, it came out of nowhere.
When I told Casey, he said, "You know what that means then, right? That means we have two more boys coming." That part of it is comforting.
I know it's not my fault and I know that everything happens for a reason. But I still can't figure out how to handle it. I'm trying really hard to not be depressed, to look at the "bright side" of things. I'm trying to lean on my husband and let him help me get through this. But every time someone calls to check on me, I just want to cry all over again.
I'm not sure when I'll get back to feeling normal. I'm going through the motions, but I just don't feel normal. I have to remind myself that it's OK to take motrin for my headache because it can't hurt the baby, and I feel like crap. In my head I know it's OK to take a maxalt for the pain in my head but emotionally, I can't bring myself to open the package. When we have the Halloween party, I know I can drink, but I also know I won't be able to bring myself to do it. I just want it to be over, but I don't know how to just...move on.
Devastated
First let me explain, this is extremely difficult to write. But I don't want to have to explain over and over again, so I figured a blog post could help me let people know what's going on.
Last night I had some major spotting. Didn't go to the ER though because it wasn't bright red and I was having only mild cramping (which is normal in pregnancy). This morning I thought everything was great because it went away. But mid-morning, I noticed it came back. I called the doctor's office and let them know what was going on. They asked me to come in right away.
I dropped Aidan off at Heather's (God bless her) and texted Casey about what was going on. He surprised me and showed up at the doctor's office. Together we waited to be seen. Once they took me back, they examined me and saw I was not actively bleeding. They did an ultrasound to check the baby.
I kind of knew it was coming. She told me the doctor would have to come in, and I asked if it was bad. She told me yes, there was no heartbeat. She swiveled the screen around to show me. I could see my teeny baby, but no heartbeat. My heart broke into a million pieces.
I don't really know what to do with myself. All I can think about is how much I loved this little bean and how excited I was to be a mom again. And now I'm supposed to either wait it out or schedule a D&C. I don't know if I can just wait around for this to really happen and go through the pain of it. But at the same time I don't know if I can bring myself to have the procedure done. For right now I can't make that decision.
I'm just thankful that I have great friends who know what I'm going through. And now more than ever, so thankful for my husband who is helping me get through this. Right now I'm just going to try and focus on my boys (Casey and Aidan) who need me to not slip into a funk, while still trying to find a way to grieve for our loss. So please don't take it personal if you find out through word of mouth, or this blog. It's just not an easy thing to have to repeat over and over again.
Last night I had some major spotting. Didn't go to the ER though because it wasn't bright red and I was having only mild cramping (which is normal in pregnancy). This morning I thought everything was great because it went away. But mid-morning, I noticed it came back. I called the doctor's office and let them know what was going on. They asked me to come in right away.
I dropped Aidan off at Heather's (God bless her) and texted Casey about what was going on. He surprised me and showed up at the doctor's office. Together we waited to be seen. Once they took me back, they examined me and saw I was not actively bleeding. They did an ultrasound to check the baby.
I kind of knew it was coming. She told me the doctor would have to come in, and I asked if it was bad. She told me yes, there was no heartbeat. She swiveled the screen around to show me. I could see my teeny baby, but no heartbeat. My heart broke into a million pieces.
I don't really know what to do with myself. All I can think about is how much I loved this little bean and how excited I was to be a mom again. And now I'm supposed to either wait it out or schedule a D&C. I don't know if I can just wait around for this to really happen and go through the pain of it. But at the same time I don't know if I can bring myself to have the procedure done. For right now I can't make that decision.
I'm just thankful that I have great friends who know what I'm going through. And now more than ever, so thankful for my husband who is helping me get through this. Right now I'm just going to try and focus on my boys (Casey and Aidan) who need me to not slip into a funk, while still trying to find a way to grieve for our loss. So please don't take it personal if you find out through word of mouth, or this blog. It's just not an easy thing to have to repeat over and over again.
26 October 2010
Readjusting
My mom was here for a week, and I'm up to that part I hate: readjusting to being alone during the day. I know I'll see her soon, but I so enjoy the company....it gets kind of lonely here sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy my husband on shore duty...he'll be home every night for the next three years (THANK GOD!). But I had someone to chill out with every day for a week and having to go back is rough! Not to mention, having Nana here helped me so much with Aidan. I could be as nauseous and as tired as I wanted to be, and I still had an extra pair of hands to help me cope with an overly rambunctious toddler lol. Talk about spoiled!
Anyway, on the upside, my sister will be here soon. I'll be so happy to have her here. Hopefully the weather will cooperate and we can take a trip to Savannah and the zoo. Unfortunately I have to wait 2 more weeks. ::sigh::
Hopefully today and tomorrow will fly right by, and Thursday's baby appointment will be here before I know it. I'm so looking forward to seeing our little bean's heartbeat. That will most definitely keep me on a natural high, enough to hold me over 'til my sister gets here :o)
Anyway, on the upside, my sister will be here soon. I'll be so happy to have her here. Hopefully the weather will cooperate and we can take a trip to Savannah and the zoo. Unfortunately I have to wait 2 more weeks. ::sigh::
Hopefully today and tomorrow will fly right by, and Thursday's baby appointment will be here before I know it. I'm so looking forward to seeing our little bean's heartbeat. That will most definitely keep me on a natural high, enough to hold me over 'til my sister gets here :o)
18 October 2010
So relieved.
Last week was horrible. After Friday I began to feel a little better because I thought if the doctor's office had bad news, they would have called me right away. But when I woke up this morning, all I could think about were knowing for sure what the test results said.
So I called, and spent 15 minutes on hold while the doctor was talking to a patient in his office. Apparently my results had just come in that morning (which threw my bad news theory out the window) and they were in his office, but the nurse couldn't interrupt them, so she said she'd call me back. The waiting was agonizing. All my old doubts came back and I felt so anxious. Finally she called back and went through everything...I mean everything! HIV and STD screening came back negative, I'm type A negative, blah blah, blah...I know all that!!! Finally she said, "OK, hCG is nice and high, and progesterone is 7.1, and you're about 5 weeks...". So I asked, "My hormone levels are good for 5 weeks along?" She plugged them into the computer and said "Yup, hormones consistent with a 5 - 6 week pregnancy!"
THANK GOD! So, thanks to my PCOS, we just conceived 3 weeks later than we thought we did. Actually, that means we conceived after I was given the scrip for my clomid, talk about funny. And I know I'm not in the clear until I'm out of the first trimester...we still need to hear a heart beat at our next visit on the 28th. But I have so much more hope now, and I'm a lot happier than I have been the last couple of days. So YAY! And thank you so much to all those who called to check up on me, and sent their prayers and good vibes my way. I'm so incredibly blessed to have such an amazing support system of both friends and family. Love you all!
So I called, and spent 15 minutes on hold while the doctor was talking to a patient in his office. Apparently my results had just come in that morning (which threw my bad news theory out the window) and they were in his office, but the nurse couldn't interrupt them, so she said she'd call me back. The waiting was agonizing. All my old doubts came back and I felt so anxious. Finally she called back and went through everything...I mean everything! HIV and STD screening came back negative, I'm type A negative, blah blah, blah...I know all that!!! Finally she said, "OK, hCG is nice and high, and progesterone is 7.1, and you're about 5 weeks...". So I asked, "My hormone levels are good for 5 weeks along?" She plugged them into the computer and said "Yup, hormones consistent with a 5 - 6 week pregnancy!"
THANK GOD! So, thanks to my PCOS, we just conceived 3 weeks later than we thought we did. Actually, that means we conceived after I was given the scrip for my clomid, talk about funny. And I know I'm not in the clear until I'm out of the first trimester...we still need to hear a heart beat at our next visit on the 28th. But I have so much more hope now, and I'm a lot happier than I have been the last couple of days. So YAY! And thank you so much to all those who called to check up on me, and sent their prayers and good vibes my way. I'm so incredibly blessed to have such an amazing support system of both friends and family. Love you all!
16 October 2010
Waiting, waiting, more waiting....
So I gathered up the courage to call the doctor's office yesterday to find out the results of my blood work. Unfortunately they were closed early for the day. However, they didn't call me in the morning, and I feel like if they had bad news, they definitely would have. So I'm slightly more optimistic than before. But my defensive side still won't let me be excited about it.
I guess there's nothing more to do but just wait a little more. Hopefully Monday we'll have some definitive answers. I'm tired of analyzing every single little symptom wondering if they're disappearing or not. I definitely won't last until our next doctor's appointment. So keep the positive thoughts and prayers coming, they are still much appreciated!
I guess there's nothing more to do but just wait a little more. Hopefully Monday we'll have some definitive answers. I'm tired of analyzing every single little symptom wondering if they're disappearing or not. I definitely won't last until our next doctor's appointment. So keep the positive thoughts and prayers coming, they are still much appreciated!
14 October 2010
Heavy-Hearted
I'm a mess. I can't help but just want to crawl into a ball and cry my eyes out. I've been trying hard to just not think, but I really can't. I just have this gut feeling it's not going to be OK and I can't shake it. No matter how hard I try....I just know they'll be calling me to tell me my progesterone levels are way low. I really wish I could just shut it off and stop feeling so depressed, but I can't. I just want the same optimism everyone else has....
13 October 2010
In Limbo
Today was my first prenatal appointment, and it was one huge emotional roller coaster ride. Unfortunately the appointment ended with feeling like I was in limbo.
First freak out of the appointment: During the ultrasound I was watching the midwife's face as she was doing it, and she looked concerned. Then she says, I have to call the doctor in here. So I started freaking out and she says, "No no don't freak out I definitely see a baby, but I think I also see another one."
Enter freak out number 2: It took the doctor a good (long) 2 minutes to get into the room, so the whole time I'm trying not to cry, trying not to freak out, wondering how I was going to handle two babies.
So the doctor comes in, and says, "No there's just one, that's just blood flow to the endometrium." and I was relieved....for all of about 3 seconds.
Freak out number 3: He then explained that I'm only measuring 5w, 2d and I'm supposed to be around 8. That's a huge difference. He asked if there's any chance we could have conceived 3 weeks ago, and I told him, I guess, but I wasn't paying attention because we were taking a break from TTC until I could start the clomid. He said since my cycles are so irregular, it's very possible that I conceived three weeks ago, and was still able to get a positive pregnancy test on Sept. 26th.
I can't help it, but I'm still freaking out. The midwife said the ultrasound looks completely normal for a 5 week ultrasound, and there's evidence of blood flow all around the sac which is a really good thing. They took my blood to check my progesterone levels to make sure they're high enough to support baby development. And then I go back in 2 weeks to make sure the embryo is still developing. Even though everything looks good for now, still no heartbeat because it's too early, so no reassurance there.
I have to keep going over it and over it, trying to talk myself into believing everything is OK. I remember feeling extra frisky the week I went to the doc for the clomid, so I was probably ovulating. And, I did have spotting about 4 days before I had the positive pregnancy test, so that could have been implantation bleeding. But then I start doubting myself because my boobs were hurting so early in September and I hadn't yet ovulated or gotten pregnant, which makes me feel like there a possibility I DID conceive earlier and the embryo just stopped developing at 5w2d.
So now it's just a wait and see. I'm trying not to think bad thoughts, and I'm trying not to be depressed, but it's just so hard. DH keeps telling me not to stress over the lack of morning sickness like I had with Aidan because it's still too early. I honestly don't want to get my hopes up, just to be crushed. And, if the worst case scenario happens I don't know how I'll be able to handle it. It was so hard getting to this point, it's not as simple as "We'll just try again". I just want everything to be OK, and I want nothing more than to have a healthy little baby.
I guess I just have to concentrate on getting through the next two weeks without getting too hopeful or too depressed. I don't know how to just forget about it. The midwife wants me to just act like I'm pregnant because I am according to the ultrasound. But I don't know how to stop being so terrified that it'll all come crashing down on us. They should be calling in a few days to update me on the results of the progestrone levels, and hopefully if that comes back normal I'll feel a whole lot better. Until then, I guess I just have to find a way to preoccupy myself.
First freak out of the appointment: During the ultrasound I was watching the midwife's face as she was doing it, and she looked concerned. Then she says, I have to call the doctor in here. So I started freaking out and she says, "No no don't freak out I definitely see a baby, but I think I also see another one."
Enter freak out number 2: It took the doctor a good (long) 2 minutes to get into the room, so the whole time I'm trying not to cry, trying not to freak out, wondering how I was going to handle two babies.
So the doctor comes in, and says, "No there's just one, that's just blood flow to the endometrium." and I was relieved....for all of about 3 seconds.
Freak out number 3: He then explained that I'm only measuring 5w, 2d and I'm supposed to be around 8. That's a huge difference. He asked if there's any chance we could have conceived 3 weeks ago, and I told him, I guess, but I wasn't paying attention because we were taking a break from TTC until I could start the clomid. He said since my cycles are so irregular, it's very possible that I conceived three weeks ago, and was still able to get a positive pregnancy test on Sept. 26th.
I can't help it, but I'm still freaking out. The midwife said the ultrasound looks completely normal for a 5 week ultrasound, and there's evidence of blood flow all around the sac which is a really good thing. They took my blood to check my progesterone levels to make sure they're high enough to support baby development. And then I go back in 2 weeks to make sure the embryo is still developing. Even though everything looks good for now, still no heartbeat because it's too early, so no reassurance there.
I have to keep going over it and over it, trying to talk myself into believing everything is OK. I remember feeling extra frisky the week I went to the doc for the clomid, so I was probably ovulating. And, I did have spotting about 4 days before I had the positive pregnancy test, so that could have been implantation bleeding. But then I start doubting myself because my boobs were hurting so early in September and I hadn't yet ovulated or gotten pregnant, which makes me feel like there a possibility I DID conceive earlier and the embryo just stopped developing at 5w2d.
So now it's just a wait and see. I'm trying not to think bad thoughts, and I'm trying not to be depressed, but it's just so hard. DH keeps telling me not to stress over the lack of morning sickness like I had with Aidan because it's still too early. I honestly don't want to get my hopes up, just to be crushed. And, if the worst case scenario happens I don't know how I'll be able to handle it. It was so hard getting to this point, it's not as simple as "We'll just try again". I just want everything to be OK, and I want nothing more than to have a healthy little baby.
I guess I just have to concentrate on getting through the next two weeks without getting too hopeful or too depressed. I don't know how to just forget about it. The midwife wants me to just act like I'm pregnant because I am according to the ultrasound. But I don't know how to stop being so terrified that it'll all come crashing down on us. They should be calling in a few days to update me on the results of the progestrone levels, and hopefully if that comes back normal I'll feel a whole lot better. Until then, I guess I just have to find a way to preoccupy myself.
12 October 2010
A wee bit anxious
Today I am 8 weeks, and tomorrow is my first prenatal appointment. I hate to say it, but as excited as I've been, I'm still waiting for the metaphorical other shoe to drop. I think it's because I feel so different with this pregnancy. I'm not nearly as sick as I was with Aidan...the m/s just comes and goes randomly and never lasts very long. I'm not cramping as bad as I did with Aidan either. I do have hardcore symptoms like frequent trips to the bathroom, and my boobs.....ohhhhh my boobs....I think it would be better if someone chopped them off with a knife! They hurt so bad, I wince every time I hug my husband. I feel emotional and I've got the food cravings. But it still feels so different.
So tomorrow, I'm just praying that they tell me everything looks great. I want nothing more than to see and hear a little heart beating. Maybe after I see my little bean, I'll feel a whole lot better.
So tomorrow, I'm just praying that they tell me everything looks great. I want nothing more than to see and hear a little heart beating. Maybe after I see my little bean, I'll feel a whole lot better.
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