Decision Made

Last night was awful.  The spotting and cramping went away.  But I couldn't sleep because I kept wondering when it would happen.  I was afraid I'd be asleep and hemorrhage.  Then I thought, what if it happens when I'm out grocery shopping, or when we have company over on Saturday?  It was driving me insane.  I can't live like this not knowing when my body is finally going to realize my baby is gone.  So I'm going to call the doc and schedule the D&C.  I just want this to be done so I can heal and move on.  I'm super nervous about having to go under, but I emotionally I think I'll be better off knowing when to expect it.

On a different note...I appreciate all the love and support.  But I'm struggling with the phone calls.  I know everyone is just trying to tell me they love me and they're here for me.  I just don't think anyone realizes how much it hurts.  I'll get to a point where I'll feel semi-normal because I've forgotten what kind of a hellish day I've had, and the phone will ring with someone wanting to check on me.  Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that people want me to know they are here for me, and there are certain phone calls that do make me feel better.  But, I'm not going to lie, there were times I didn't even pick up the phone.  Please don't be offended if you were one of those people who got the machine.  It's not personal, I just need time.

Anyway.  I'm praying today will be a better day.  I'm already fighting off tears thinking about having to call the doctor to schedule this thing.  But maybe having Casey home and taking care of my Aidan will keep me busy enough to where I don't have to dwell on it.