Leaving...

I'll be flying to NY on Thursday to get ready to help throw my sister in law a baby shower.  It sucks to be having to leave my husband.  It doubly sucks that x amount of time after I leave him, he leaves for deployment, so I'll be coming back to an empty house.  I got seriously lucky with the extra time we were given together, but it still makes saying goodbye really hard. 

I know my key to survival is going to be staying busy.  BUSY BUSY BUSY!  I have school to keep me somewhat occupied, and then there's the shower and planning for Aidan's 2nd birthday.  I'll be flying to NY and back twice in this deployment alone, so that should help pass the time.  I just know the nights are going to lag, since there won't be anyone to watch food network and share the bed with.  But my biggest thing is hoping Aidan doesn't notice.  His daddy is is favorite and he greets him every day with a huge hug.  I'm just praying that he stays oblivious to the amount of time daddy isn't home....like he'll think it's a really long work day or something.

I can only hope that this deployment flies by as fast as the time went that I had him here with me.  I have the feeling it won't.  I'm hoping I avoid the depression part of this whole process, since I'll be surrounded by family.  I just need to keep super busy,  and just keep repeating to myself: "last one before shore duty, last one...".  Maybe it won't be so bad....

Frustrated

For reasons I can't fully disclose, I am annoyed.  Part of the annoyance stems from the fact that I can't even voice my frustrations out loud.  It's true when they say bottling it up just makes it worse.  Ugh, I really just don't get how I'm supposed to keep doing this over and over again.  They really need to invent some kind of pill that dulls the hurt of being a military spouse.  This shit is really fucking hard, and sometimes I wish all the crap and the bullshit military spouses put up with was at least acknowledged properly.  Because for some reason, a big thumbs from the command isn't cutting for me.

Terrible Twos

Seriously, it's days like today that make me NOT want anymore kids.  Aidan has been on the warpath.  Tantrums, going into drawers he's not supposed to go into, not eating, screaming, throwing toys around...I'm seriously at my wits end with it.  I don't want to spank, or use it as a first resort.  But the time outs aren't working with him, he still goes back to doing what he was doing before.  To make matters worse, if we do spank him, he does it all over again anyway.  So I end up feeling guilty about the spanking and frustrated that nothing seems to be working. 

I know he could be SO much worse....I've seen kids his age that are absolute terrors.  But I really just want my sweet little boy back.  This has been like an overnight change for him....family that saw him back in December aren't going to recognize him.  It's all about him trying to do what he wants to do, when he wants to do it.  And I'm not caving, which is causing serious amounts of friction.  I'm tired of yelling, I'm tired of spanking, I'm tired of butting heads with him.  I really hope he starts to out grow this phase soon, because it's wearing me out, and I feel like our relationship is deteriorating, which is severely depressing considering he's only 2....he's not supposed to hate me until he's a teenager....

I really have no idea what to do differently.

Dreams

I had a dream I had a little boy and his name was Jackson.  I dreamed I was with family, and I went into labor on New Years eve.  I could see his face and I was shocked he didn't look like Aidan, but he did happen to have dark hair.  I was crying in my dream saying how beautiful he was, and then I turned to my husband and said, "Do you think I was as big with this pregnancy as I was with Aidan?"  lol.  After that all I remember was sitting the baby on my lap to take a picture of the two of us with my web cam so I could post it everyone else to see.  Kind of a weird dream.  Before we got pregnant with Aidan, Casey dreamed of a dark haired little boy he was asking to help him find his shoes.  So....does this mean anything other than I just really want another baby, and I'm crossing my fingers it's another boy????  I guess we will see...

A Second Chance?

I am a huge believer in the saying "everything happens for a reason".  I almost feel like we weren't meant to get pregnant in November because it would have put my due date right around Casey's PRD date.  Basically that just means he would have wanted to take leave after being at his new shore duty position for like only a week.  And there's the possibility that they might not have even let him take leave either.  It definitely would have been stressful for both of us.  So I figured fate was going to give is better timing on our next baby.

Anyway, so Casey was supposed to leave for Diego Garcia to take the boat over from the other crew.  But "things" have happened and on Monday he got a phone call informing him he won't be leaving until much later.  This gives us a second chance at giving Aidan a sibling!  I'm thinking that there is a much bigger and better reason that he's not leaving on time, and that whoever you believe in (fate, God, mysterious gremlins, sparly fairies, etc) intervened and kept his crew home for reasons that have yet to be seen.  But, as a nice little side effect there is a chance we could get pregnant.  I didn't go back on the pill this month, so my cycle is probably going to be irregular.  Last try, I did end up ovulating eventually, and AF came into town nearly 4 weeks late (nothing is as big a bummer than having a late period while TTC only to find out you're really and seriously NOT pregnant).  So who knows if I'll ovulate on time, or even at all.

Crappy, what-if circumstances, I know, but eventually this is going to happen.  But I can't help and be hopeful that this might be our month.  I won't be as disappointed if it doesn't happen this time around...I was last time because I kind of expected it to happen right away like it did with Aidan.  But apparently my body has changed ALOT since I've had him, so it's probably going to take more time.

Either way, I'm thankful for another x weeks with my husband, and very grateful for another chance to try for a baby.

That time again....

Ugh deployment, how I despise you!!!!  I feel like I just got my husband back, and we're already packing him up to leave again.  I'm trying to enjoy the last little bit of time I have left, but deployment creeps in my mind, looming over me, making it so hard not to be in a funk.  I have to say deployment is NOT one of my favorite ways to kick off a new year.

However I'm trying really really really hard to make something positive out of it.  For one, I'm going to lose a crap ton of weight before my husband gets home.  I will be slim, fit, and pretty for his homecoming, which should make getting pregnant much easier.  I will do everything in my power to make 2010 a healthier year for me AND for my family.  I'm already not smoking, which is good for me.  Casey quit cold turkey like 2 weeks ago, so I'll do my best to motivate him as well.  So number one on my list to keep me busy during deployment:  eat healthy and go to the gym!!

Number 2 on my list:  remember my new mantra, "Last one before shore duty, last one before shore duty."  That's right, this is out LAST deployment before shore duty and I am more than excited.  No more phone trees, no more halfway night boxes, no more international phone cards, no more sleeping in the middle of the bed!!!!  SHORE DUTY!!!!!  I need to focus on that goal, and hopefully it'll make this last deployment much easier.

Number 3:  keep my 4.0 average.  I've only taken 3 classes so far, but I have worked my butt off with each class.  So far I've gotten all A's and if I could get this degree with a 4.0 average, I would be so proud of myself.  I'm taking this round of school much more seriously than I did when I was at URI.  Guess being 25 going on 26, having a husband, house, and babies makes you grow up a little more than frat parties, skipping class to sleepin, and pizza pocket dinners.  Don't get me wrong, I loved every minute of college, but this is definitely different.  So here's hoping my school work will also help this deployment fly by.

That's about it.  Like I said, I'm trying (key word being trying) to stay positive and not let this up coming goodbye leave me a tearful, slobbering mess.  We'll see.  Either way, Happy 2010....wake me when we get to shore duty....