It's been a little bit since I've blogged. I have to say November zapped pretty much all of my energy. For starters, we only had one weekend (last weekend as a matter of fact) that was visitor free. This is not to say I wish we didn't have visitors, or that I was put out by all the action. I was actually very appreciative of everyone who came to see us. For one, we don't get to see friends and family enough, and two, it kept my mind off of losing the baby.
I think I'm feeling better about the whole thing. I can actually look at someone's pregnancy announcement or update and not feel like I need to cry. It still gives me a pang of sadness, but I think I've shed all the tears I had built up. It's a bit surprising because I thought it would have taken me longer, especially since I never really had the proper grieving day/days I thought the whole experience deserved. For the longest time I would think to myself, "I would have been 9 weeks today.", or "I should be getting ready to find out boy or girl." I know that these things will happen in the future, but I will always long for the baby that left us too soon.
Anyway, as for the future I'm still unsure. I don't know if I'm really ready to be pregnant again. I think if it happened tomorrow, I'd be nothing but terrified. And I don't know if I could gather up the energy -- or the hope -- to even start another TTC process. I think for now I just want to try and enjoy the holiday season with my boys.
In bigger and better news, my little man is growing up. His speech has grown by leaps and bounds compared to September. He now calls us mommy and daddy instead of mama and dada.
AND, last week we started potty training Aidan. He literally got up one day and said, "Daddy, bathroom!". Casey took him to the bathroom, and he peed in the potty, simple as that! I was prepared for a battle of wills when he turned three and I finally put my foot down and decided to potty train him. But I know I am truly blessed because the transition has been about as smooth as possible! The best thing I could have done was toss the pull-ups, because he was just using them as a diaper. Once we put him in big boy undies (that he picked out!), he peed once and learned he didn't like the feeling. That first day of wearing them, we went through about 7 pairs of undies, but by the end of the day, he was just dribbling in them and stopping himself before he peed, at which point he'd tell us. Here we are on day 8, and the only reward he gets is a car for when he poops (yes, he started pooping in the potty on day 2!!!!!) because that's a really big deal. But we don't have to remind him anymore, he comes to tell us whenever he has to go. AND, we've graduated from the potty to the toilet, which I would have never thought possible this early on.
We still have things to work on. He needs help getting his pants and undies off in time to get onto the toilet. The step we have is too small, so I have to lift him onto it. And when have about 4 false alarms a day of him thinking he has to poo, but when he gets onto the toilet he just farts lol. Also, we have to put a diaper on him when he sleeps so he doesn't wet the bed. Most days he wakes up bone dry, but he does have those occasions where he wakes up wet.
So my little man is growing up, I seriously can't believe it! Now I can enroll him in school next September (::tear::). So many changes it blows my mind. I'm kind of excited to see what 2011 is going to bring our way...
30 November 2010
26 November 2010
Crazy Target Lady: Christmas is here
I seriously can't keep a straight face when I watch this commercial. I actually almost peed my pants when she started with the "Rumtummytummy, rumtummytummy, rumtummytummy, ho, ho, ho". Definitely an instant pick-me-up. So, good job Target. Though you didn't convince me to take part in the insanity that is Black Friday shopping, you definitely made my holidays a little brighter!
16 November 2010
11.16.2005
If you had asked me what I pictured my life to be at the age of 26, I would have said I'd be a marine mammal trainer, living someplace warm training dolphins, working in the sun all day long. I probably would have laughed in your face if you told me I'd give it all up. And my eyes might have gotten stuck rolling up in my head, had you said I had given it up for a guy in uniform.
I say this, not only because my dolphin training dream was borderline obsessive, but also because I knew I could never handle a high maintenance guy in uniform. I was always the person who needed a phone call everyday. In college I drove from RI to NY to visit my boyfriend every weekend because I hated going longer than a week without seeing him (lame, I know). I was selfish and expected to spend every birthday, holiday, and anniversary with him, no questions asked, no excuses taken. The last thing I expected was to date a man who disappeared for months on end...someone who would have to put his job before his relationship, someone I would have to wait on.
And then I met Casey...my world changed. I'd honestly never met anyone who made me feel dumbstruck and love-silly like this. To everyone else, it probably seemed like that sickeningly sweet, overly corny, ridiculously fast, girl-you-are-out-of-your-mind kind of love...the kind that blows over and dies fast when he moves half way around the world to a place that was thought to be some kind of urban myth invented by our generation just to convey how far something was (or Guam as I like to call it). But to me, it wasn't that way. I was convinced it worth trying for...he was "the one", we needed to try. If we didn't I'd always be obsessing over "what if..." playing out different scenarios in my head. If we tried and failed, then I'd know we did everything we could. But if we made it (and I wanted so badly to make it work), then there was nothing that could break us.
And so I became that girl who eagerly awaited e-mails and got teary eyed over surprise phone calls. I became that girl who's significant other seemed more like a fantasy rather than the real thing. For the first time in my life I had to trust unconditionally that he would be faithful and that it would all work out in the end. Most importantly, when it became clear that marriage is what I wanted, I had to choose between a life spent forever waiting, or one spent living my dream.
But then I found that my dream had changed. I was willing to give up a future doing what I loved, and having a traditionally normal relationship, for this crazy lifestyle where I'd be forced to sacrifice way more than I ever had before. My old dream, it wasn't worth doing, if I didn't have this person with me. So I did the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I packed up my life, left all the friends and family I'd ever known, and moved 5 million miles away to be with the man I loved (in Guam!).
It's been five years since my life changed and I became MRS. I will admit, I fooled myself into thinking it would be easier once we were married and living together. I quickly learned that not only would we be going through the normal newly-wed, newly living together adjustments (fights about money, who did the dishes, and throwing fits over boxers that were thrown to the base of the hamper but never quite made it INTO the hamper...), but I also had to learn how to be a proper navy wife. I had to learn to admit defeat when the Big Black Bitch (a.k.a the submarine) came calling. I had to graciously give up my married life and say goodbye to my husband for months on end, not knowing if we'd even have any contact during that time (and by graciously I mean blubbering like an idiot as I drove him to the pier, every time...I cry every single time we say goodbye). I had to learn that when you've gone so long without phone calls or e-mails, your entire relationship starts to seem like one really good dream and you can only hope they come back still in love with you....I learned they most definitely will come back, still in love. And most of all, I had to learn that the first kiss after a long deployment is what makes every single minute of being alone worth it.
My five years of marriage is nothing like I dreamed it to be when I was younger. It's been hard...full of more compromise and sacrifice (on both of our parts) that I ever expected. There have been more extreme meltdowns where I curse the Navy gods for ruining my life (dramatic, I know, but so true) than I expected or even wanted. Most of all, there's been more love than I ever could have imagined. I always knew I'd marry someone I loved...but I never expected I'd be able to love someone this much. I never dreamed I'd go through all these highs and lows and say, it's so worth it....if everything I've done means I get to spend my forever with this man, I will do it all ten times over again, without hesitation.
So here's to five years down, forever to go. Happy Anniversary to my husband, my best friend, and my soul mate. I couldn't have wished for a better man to spend my life with. I love you.
I say this, not only because my dolphin training dream was borderline obsessive, but also because I knew I could never handle a high maintenance guy in uniform. I was always the person who needed a phone call everyday. In college I drove from RI to NY to visit my boyfriend every weekend because I hated going longer than a week without seeing him (lame, I know). I was selfish and expected to spend every birthday, holiday, and anniversary with him, no questions asked, no excuses taken. The last thing I expected was to date a man who disappeared for months on end...someone who would have to put his job before his relationship, someone I would have to wait on.
And then I met Casey...my world changed. I'd honestly never met anyone who made me feel dumbstruck and love-silly like this. To everyone else, it probably seemed like that sickeningly sweet, overly corny, ridiculously fast, girl-you-are-out-of-your-mind kind of love...the kind that blows over and dies fast when he moves half way around the world to a place that was thought to be some kind of urban myth invented by our generation just to convey how far something was (or Guam as I like to call it). But to me, it wasn't that way. I was convinced it worth trying for...he was "the one", we needed to try. If we didn't I'd always be obsessing over "what if..." playing out different scenarios in my head. If we tried and failed, then I'd know we did everything we could. But if we made it (and I wanted so badly to make it work), then there was nothing that could break us.
And so I became that girl who eagerly awaited e-mails and got teary eyed over surprise phone calls. I became that girl who's significant other seemed more like a fantasy rather than the real thing. For the first time in my life I had to trust unconditionally that he would be faithful and that it would all work out in the end. Most importantly, when it became clear that marriage is what I wanted, I had to choose between a life spent forever waiting, or one spent living my dream.
But then I found that my dream had changed. I was willing to give up a future doing what I loved, and having a traditionally normal relationship, for this crazy lifestyle where I'd be forced to sacrifice way more than I ever had before. My old dream, it wasn't worth doing, if I didn't have this person with me. So I did the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I packed up my life, left all the friends and family I'd ever known, and moved 5 million miles away to be with the man I loved (in Guam!).
It's been five years since my life changed and I became MRS. I will admit, I fooled myself into thinking it would be easier once we were married and living together. I quickly learned that not only would we be going through the normal newly-wed, newly living together adjustments (fights about money, who did the dishes, and throwing fits over boxers that were thrown to the base of the hamper but never quite made it INTO the hamper...), but I also had to learn how to be a proper navy wife. I had to learn to admit defeat when the Big Black Bitch (a.k.a the submarine) came calling. I had to graciously give up my married life and say goodbye to my husband for months on end, not knowing if we'd even have any contact during that time (and by graciously I mean blubbering like an idiot as I drove him to the pier, every time...I cry every single time we say goodbye). I had to learn that when you've gone so long without phone calls or e-mails, your entire relationship starts to seem like one really good dream and you can only hope they come back still in love with you....I learned they most definitely will come back, still in love. And most of all, I had to learn that the first kiss after a long deployment is what makes every single minute of being alone worth it.
My five years of marriage is nothing like I dreamed it to be when I was younger. It's been hard...full of more compromise and sacrifice (on both of our parts) that I ever expected. There have been more extreme meltdowns where I curse the Navy gods for ruining my life (dramatic, I know, but so true) than I expected or even wanted. Most of all, there's been more love than I ever could have imagined. I always knew I'd marry someone I loved...but I never expected I'd be able to love someone this much. I never dreamed I'd go through all these highs and lows and say, it's so worth it....if everything I've done means I get to spend my forever with this man, I will do it all ten times over again, without hesitation.
So here's to five years down, forever to go. Happy Anniversary to my husband, my best friend, and my soul mate. I couldn't have wished for a better man to spend my life with. I love you.
08 November 2010
Good Things
The last two weeks have just been one huge roller coaster ride. Fortunately I've had some good moments in between all the bad news and sad feelings.
On Friday I was told by my husband that he had a surprise for me. Long story short, he left the house at about 3:30 to go pick up my "surprise". I was taking a nap when he left, and I admit I thought it was odd that he wasn't home by the time Aidan and I woke up at 4. I brushed it off thinking he ran other errands while he was out. I was thinking he had gone out to get me flowers, or was picking up a baby sitter so we could have a night out, or something simple. He walked through the door at 4:30, and the first thing I noticed was his empty hands. OK, so flowers were out. Then I noticed he left the garage door open behind him and someone else was about to step inside. At first I thought he brought one of his friends over, or maybe even the sitter. But when I saw who it was behind him, I was speechless. My best friend from college was standing in my kitchen. All I could do was stare, mouth wide open, not believing what I was seeing. Then she says, "Surprise" and it all started to click. But I still couldn't get over the shock of it! I will admit, I cried a bit, so touched by having an amazing friend who wanted to come all the way down here to try and be there for me.
Unfortunately that good feeling was cut short by a phone call from my father in law. Earlier that day his mother had passed. I guess it wasn't enough for my husband to have to deal with losing our baby....he now had to cope with losing a relative. And I honestly don't know what shocked me more...my best friend standing in my living room, or the phone call saying Momo was gone.
Anyway, she was able to stay until today, which was awesome. We went to the zoo, watched an amazing LSU game on Saturday, while yesterday was spent lazily chit chatting and watching TV like we did in college. It gave me a chance to feel more like my normal self. It was hard to stay so depressed while reminiscing over old times and sharing stories about our lives as navy wives and mommies.
Although I'm sad to see her leave again, I'm very grateful for the weekend we had. And I still have a visit from my sister to look forward to: another trip to the zoo, one to Savannah, and a lot of laughing while my son runs circles around her. It'll be another short trip, but it will probably be a really good four days of sister bonding time.
I don't know when this sad feeling will completely leave me. I look forward to waking up on the day that it is truly all gone. But until then, I will try my hardest to relish all the good little things I have going on around me.
On Friday I was told by my husband that he had a surprise for me. Long story short, he left the house at about 3:30 to go pick up my "surprise". I was taking a nap when he left, and I admit I thought it was odd that he wasn't home by the time Aidan and I woke up at 4. I brushed it off thinking he ran other errands while he was out. I was thinking he had gone out to get me flowers, or was picking up a baby sitter so we could have a night out, or something simple. He walked through the door at 4:30, and the first thing I noticed was his empty hands. OK, so flowers were out. Then I noticed he left the garage door open behind him and someone else was about to step inside. At first I thought he brought one of his friends over, or maybe even the sitter. But when I saw who it was behind him, I was speechless. My best friend from college was standing in my kitchen. All I could do was stare, mouth wide open, not believing what I was seeing. Then she says, "Surprise" and it all started to click. But I still couldn't get over the shock of it! I will admit, I cried a bit, so touched by having an amazing friend who wanted to come all the way down here to try and be there for me.
Unfortunately that good feeling was cut short by a phone call from my father in law. Earlier that day his mother had passed. I guess it wasn't enough for my husband to have to deal with losing our baby....he now had to cope with losing a relative. And I honestly don't know what shocked me more...my best friend standing in my living room, or the phone call saying Momo was gone.
Anyway, she was able to stay until today, which was awesome. We went to the zoo, watched an amazing LSU game on Saturday, while yesterday was spent lazily chit chatting and watching TV like we did in college. It gave me a chance to feel more like my normal self. It was hard to stay so depressed while reminiscing over old times and sharing stories about our lives as navy wives and mommies.
Although I'm sad to see her leave again, I'm very grateful for the weekend we had. And I still have a visit from my sister to look forward to: another trip to the zoo, one to Savannah, and a lot of laughing while my son runs circles around her. It'll be another short trip, but it will probably be a really good four days of sister bonding time.
I don't know when this sad feeling will completely leave me. I look forward to waking up on the day that it is truly all gone. But until then, I will try my hardest to relish all the good little things I have going on around me.
03 November 2010
Love my doctor!
I had an appointment with the OB today. But when I got to the office, they asked me if I was in for a follow up, and they seemed kind of confused that I was there. I said I wasn't really sure why, but I had made the appointment last week, and everything was kind of a blur. And then the receptionist told me that because I had opted for the D&C they had canceled the appointment, and said she would as if they still wanted to see me. I told her, either way, I had some questions and if they could fit me in, I would really appreciate it.
So I waited about 10 minutes and they brought me back. Dr. Mixson came in, hugged me, asked me how I was. We talked a but about the grieving process, how long it would take for the symptoms to fade, etc. And then I told him, I was worried because my previous primary care physician said metformin would pretty much be the only thing I could take to help me have a monthly cycle and get pregnant. I told Dr. Mixson I didn't realize how miserable I was on metformin until I got off of it. It messed with my stomach, I had headaches almost every single day, I was crabby because I felt like crap, and I was constantly nauseous. But I was told it was my only chance so I put up with it.
Turns out there ARE other options. So together, the doctor and I created a plan to try again. I'll go back in 4 weeks to see if I've had a cycle yet. If not, we will wait and see if I have a cycle or get pregnant on my own for three months. If in three months I still don't have a regular cycle, he will start me on provera and clomid to help us get pregnant. I'm so happy we have a plan....it gives me something to look forward to. I'm still not thrilled I have to wait so long, but he wants to be absolutely certain that the pregnancy didn't change how my body is working (because clomid can have serious side effects) and it's possible that because of the pregnancy, I could end up having regular periods with no help at all. So for right now it's a wait and see game, but it doesn't mean I should lose hope or not try to have a baby in this three months time. Who knows...maybe I miscarried because my body just needed to fix itself and I'll start having regular cycles. I know it can happen.
Whatever the case, I'm extremely satisfied with this doctor. The day we found out, he called me himself to see if I was OK. He could just as easily had a nurse check on me. Instead of turning me away today because my appointment had been canceled, or rushing through my questions, he took the time to make sure I'm at ease, that I'm not too depressed, and didn't make me feel like metformin was my only option. He explained what we could do and made sure I was comfortable with it. You honestly don't see that kind of patience and willingness to help in a lot of doctor's these days. I know he must deal with miscarriages more than most people will in their lifetimes, but he never once made me feel like I was just another patient. Everyone in that office made me feel like I mattered...they acknowledged my pain, they gave their condolances...didn't rush me to make any decisions and handled the entire situation with tact and sympathy. More than that, they are helping me grieve and move forward. And for that I am extremely grateful.
So I waited about 10 minutes and they brought me back. Dr. Mixson came in, hugged me, asked me how I was. We talked a but about the grieving process, how long it would take for the symptoms to fade, etc. And then I told him, I was worried because my previous primary care physician said metformin would pretty much be the only thing I could take to help me have a monthly cycle and get pregnant. I told Dr. Mixson I didn't realize how miserable I was on metformin until I got off of it. It messed with my stomach, I had headaches almost every single day, I was crabby because I felt like crap, and I was constantly nauseous. But I was told it was my only chance so I put up with it.
Turns out there ARE other options. So together, the doctor and I created a plan to try again. I'll go back in 4 weeks to see if I've had a cycle yet. If not, we will wait and see if I have a cycle or get pregnant on my own for three months. If in three months I still don't have a regular cycle, he will start me on provera and clomid to help us get pregnant. I'm so happy we have a plan....it gives me something to look forward to. I'm still not thrilled I have to wait so long, but he wants to be absolutely certain that the pregnancy didn't change how my body is working (because clomid can have serious side effects) and it's possible that because of the pregnancy, I could end up having regular periods with no help at all. So for right now it's a wait and see game, but it doesn't mean I should lose hope or not try to have a baby in this three months time. Who knows...maybe I miscarried because my body just needed to fix itself and I'll start having regular cycles. I know it can happen.
Whatever the case, I'm extremely satisfied with this doctor. The day we found out, he called me himself to see if I was OK. He could just as easily had a nurse check on me. Instead of turning me away today because my appointment had been canceled, or rushing through my questions, he took the time to make sure I'm at ease, that I'm not too depressed, and didn't make me feel like metformin was my only option. He explained what we could do and made sure I was comfortable with it. You honestly don't see that kind of patience and willingness to help in a lot of doctor's these days. I know he must deal with miscarriages more than most people will in their lifetimes, but he never once made me feel like I was just another patient. Everyone in that office made me feel like I mattered...they acknowledged my pain, they gave their condolances...didn't rush me to make any decisions and handled the entire situation with tact and sympathy. More than that, they are helping me grieve and move forward. And for that I am extremely grateful.
01 November 2010
First Day Alone
I don't know why being alone with Aidan is making me so depressed. I've been really good the last couple of days. But then again I've had my husband here to keep me busy and comfort me when I needed it. Now it's all on me. To make matters worse, I'm still cramping pretty good, which does nothing but serve as a constant reminder. And again, I'm alone, so there's no taking pain meds and sleeping it off.
I thought I'd be OK by now, go on with life as normal but I was obviously kidding myself. I have a lot of pregnant friends, and I can't avoid every pregnant woman in the world. But the sight of preggo bellies, status updates, and posts on the internet make my eyes fill with tears. It's like I just want to forget everything, but I can't. I'm so over feeling like this. I wish I could just wake up and have everything be different.
Today definitely sucks.
I thought I'd be OK by now, go on with life as normal but I was obviously kidding myself. I have a lot of pregnant friends, and I can't avoid every pregnant woman in the world. But the sight of preggo bellies, status updates, and posts on the internet make my eyes fill with tears. It's like I just want to forget everything, but I can't. I'm so over feeling like this. I wish I could just wake up and have everything be different.
Today definitely sucks.
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