11.16.2005

If you had asked me what I pictured my life to be at the age of 26, I would have said I'd be a marine mammal trainer, living someplace warm training dolphins, working in the sun all day long.  I probably would have laughed in your face if you told me I'd give it all up.  And my eyes might have gotten stuck rolling up in my head, had you said I had given it up for a guy in uniform.

I say this, not only because my dolphin training dream was borderline obsessive, but also because I knew I could never handle a high maintenance guy in uniform.  I was always the person who needed a phone call everyday.  In college I drove from RI to NY to visit my boyfriend every weekend because I hated going longer than a week without seeing him (lame, I know).  I was selfish and expected to spend every birthday, holiday, and anniversary with him, no questions asked, no excuses taken.  The last thing I expected was to date a man who disappeared for months on end...someone who would have to put his job before his relationship, someone I would have to wait on.

And then I met Casey...my world changed.  I'd honestly never met anyone who made me feel dumbstruck and love-silly like this.  To everyone else, it probably seemed like that sickeningly sweet, overly corny, ridiculously fast, girl-you-are-out-of-your-mind kind of love...the kind that blows over and dies fast when he moves half way around the world to a place that was thought to be some kind of urban myth invented by our generation just to convey how far something was (or Guam as I like to call it).  But to me, it wasn't that way.  I was convinced it worth trying for...he was "the one", we needed to try.  If we didn't I'd always be obsessing over "what if..." playing out different scenarios in my head.  If we tried and failed, then I'd know we did everything we could.  But if we made it (and I wanted so badly to make it work), then there was nothing that could break us.

And so I became that girl who eagerly awaited e-mails and got teary eyed over surprise phone calls.  I became that girl who's significant other seemed more like a fantasy rather than the real thing.  For the first time in my life I had to trust unconditionally that he would be faithful and that it would all work out in the end.  Most importantly, when it became clear that marriage is what I wanted, I had to choose between a life spent forever waiting, or one spent living my dream. 

But then I found that my dream had changed.  I was willing to give up a future doing what I loved, and having a traditionally normal relationship, for this crazy lifestyle where I'd be forced to sacrifice way more than I ever had before.  My old dream, it wasn't worth doing, if I didn't have this person with me.  So I did the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  I packed up my life, left all the friends and family I'd ever known, and moved 5 million miles away to be with the man I loved (in Guam!).

It's been five years since my life changed and I became MRS.  I will admit, I fooled myself into thinking it would be easier once we were married and living together.  I quickly learned that not only would we be going through the normal newly-wed, newly living together adjustments (fights about money, who did the dishes, and throwing fits over boxers that were thrown to the base of the hamper but never quite made it INTO the hamper...), but I also had to learn how to be a proper navy wife.  I had to learn to admit defeat when the Big Black Bitch (a.k.a the submarine) came calling.  I had to graciously give up my married life and say goodbye to my husband for months on end, not knowing if we'd even have any contact during that time (and by graciously I mean blubbering like an idiot as I drove him to the pier, every time...I cry every single time we say goodbye).  I had to learn that when you've gone so long without phone calls or e-mails, your entire relationship starts to seem like one really good dream and you can only hope they come back still in love with you....I learned they most definitely will come back, still in love.  And most of all, I had to learn that the first kiss after a long deployment is what makes every single minute of being alone worth it.

My five years of marriage is nothing like I dreamed it to be when I was younger.  It's been hard...full of more compromise and sacrifice (on both of our parts) that I ever expected.  There have been more extreme meltdowns where I curse the Navy gods for ruining my life (dramatic, I know, but so true) than I expected or even wanted.  Most of all, there's been more love than I ever could have imagined.  I always knew I'd marry someone I loved...but I never expected I'd be able to love someone this much.  I never dreamed I'd go through all these highs and lows and say, it's so worth it....if everything I've done means I get to spend my forever with this man, I will do it all ten times over again, without hesitation.

So here's to five years down, forever to go.  Happy Anniversary to my husband, my best friend, and my soul mate.  I couldn't have wished for a better man to spend my life with.  I love you.