And in the blink of an eye...

Christmas is over!  I can hardly believe it....where has the second half of this entire year gone????  I have to admit I'm really not prepared for it all being over.  For the longest, I've had handfuls of things to look forward to...the halloween party, hosting Thanksgiving, road trip to NY, seeing old friends and my family.  My list has slowly yet surely becoming smaller and smaller.  And now the last thing left to do is to say goodbye to 2010, and prepare myself to ring in the new year.

I'm not one for making New Year's resolutions, but this year there is one.  Just one.  Being off of metformin has taken it's toll on me.  I've gained back all the weight I lost back in March and April.  My husband says he can't notice the difference, but I sure can, and I hate myself for it.  I'm sure the holiday eating hasn't helped, but I'm thinking of it as my last "hurrah".  Plus, I know for sure I'll never eat pastel again considering my grandmother only makes them but once a year!  Anyway, I know losing this weight is going to be hard work.  Sooooo hard, especially since I refuse to get back on the metformin (for now...if clomid doesn't work, I might have to revisit that option).  But hopefully with the hubby's support, I'll take off at least 10 pounds and have more energy.  I've always wanted to try kick boxing, and now is a great time to start!  I need to make this my priority.  No more being unhappy looking in the mirror.  No more excuses about the lack of child care.  No more feeling drained.  And no more throwing money away on outside sources of food (aside from the occasional trips to Wasabi...no way I'm banning myself from that place!).

So we'll start with a 30 day challenge in January to NOT eat out, at all.  And I'll join a gym that provides a tot drop so I have no real reason not to go.  I'm finally going to start taking kick boxing because I've always wanted to.  It's not going to be easy, but my resolution is to do whatever I have to do so that I can finally be happy with who I see in the mirror.

Good Friends

You know you have good friends when you don't see each other for long periods of time, but when you meet up again, it feels like you were never apart.  I definitely have that with a select few people, and I love to be reminded of it.

Wednesday, Casey and I drove up to Groton (where it all began!) and met up with some of the best friends I've ever had.  It felt so good for all of us to be in the same place at once...the first time literally in years.  But we all had such a great time.  I really wish I could have that more often, but it's hard considering we're all over the place.  Even still, it's nice to know what it is going to be like when we do finally get together again.  In my experience it's hard to find people you can build that kind of a bond with, and I consider myself blessed to have known such amazing people.

I confess...

If I see another pregnancy post I think I might hit something.  Usually I'm pretty good at smothering the melancholy feelings when I read one, but today I think I'm just too tired to take control of my emotions.  Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy for everyone who is expecting...there are a handful of women who have tried for so long and they really deserve this kind of happiness, really and truly.  But the honest to God truth is I'm not 100% healed from our loss.  I still think about what I'd be doing right now, getting ready to find out boy or girl, planning a nursery and visits from parents, going to doctor's appointments...I'm not sure I'll ever be totally fine with everything that happened.  And so it's usually a tough pill to swallow when I read certain things or see sonogram pics posted.  Today it's just especially bad.

I feel like I'm at standstill.  I'm not pregnant, but I want so badly to be, and yet I still can't bring myself to actively TTC....I actually think I'm dreading having to start the process all over again.  I know it'll all happen when it supposed to, I just feel drained just by thinking about it.  I hope, with the start of the new year, I'll feel like I can start fresh and I'll have a more positive outlook on the whole TTC idea.

'Tis the Season...

Greetings from New York!!!!  I have to say this is the first time I've been able to just stop and breathe in the last two weeks.  I was actually telling Casey that the end of this year has come about ridiculously fast.  The first part dragged a bit thanks to deployment, but even when he came back in May, we had a nice slow summer.  But now I feel like we're being hurtled toward Aidan's third birthday and I'm not ready!!!!!  In a span of just two months, he started using more and more words, he graduated to a big boy bed AND became potty trained...I am NOT ready to be planning a third birthday!!!

Anyway, as I was saying...December so far has been crazy busy, especially this last week.  I was rushing to get my weekly assignments, a third project, AND my final done.  Plus we had our "Christmas" in Georgia, the command Christmas party, and start our drive to NY.  I feel like my down time has been minimal.  Even still, I did manage to find things here and there to enjoy.  We put up the tree early and decorated the house for Christmas so I was able to enjoy it all before we left for NY.  We got Aidan's train table put together so he had time to play with it (for a day) before we left, and Casey and I even had a little night out to ourselves (attending the command Christmas party).  And the trip up here was pretty smooth, so all in all, it's been a crazy couple of weeks, but it's still gone pretty well (better than I expected anyway).


In other news, I don't think I posted an update about our plans to return to TTC.  During the two weeks of insanity, I had a checkup with my OBGYN.  We talked about my cycles on metformin, and since it had been nearly 6 weeks since the D&C, I still haven't had a cycle on my own.  So he gave me an option.  I could keep on waiting, or he could give me provera and clomid to start that day if I wanted to.  I opted for the meds.  I don't think I can handle the emotional ride of waiting on AF to show up and taking pregnancy test after pregnancy test and possibly getting negative after negative.  I absolutely hated playing that game.  And I hate not knowing what my body is doing.  So I took the meds.

Those pills are currently sitting in my suitcase.  As much as I want to have another baby, I'm still trying to prep myself emotionally for another TTC trial.  Not to mention, I just want to enjoy my holidays...not stress over counting cycle days or remembering to take pills.  So we have the meds, I'm just waiting until just before we leave NY to start them.  When we do this thing, I at least want to be in the comfort of my own home.  Also, people have warned me that clomid makes you crazy emotional, and if that's true, I don't need to be in front of everyone dealing with that side of it too. 

So there it is.  We're flying toward 2011, whether I want to or not.  I'm just hoping these next few weeks in NY slow down a little bit...I want to relish in what might be my last snowy NY Christmas!

Catching Up

It's been a little bit since I've blogged.  I have to say November zapped pretty much all of my energy.  For starters, we only had one weekend (last weekend as a matter of fact) that was visitor free.  This is not to say I wish we didn't have visitors, or that I was put out by all the action.  I was actually very appreciative of everyone who came to see us.  For one, we don't get to see friends and family enough, and two, it kept my mind off of losing the baby.

I think I'm feeling better about the whole thing.  I can actually look at someone's pregnancy announcement or update and not feel like I need to cry.  It still gives me a pang of sadness, but I think I've shed all the tears I had built up.  It's a bit surprising because I thought it would have taken me longer, especially since I never really had the proper grieving day/days I thought the whole experience deserved.  For the longest time I would think to myself, "I would have been 9 weeks today.", or "I should be getting ready to find out boy or girl."  I know that these things will happen in the future, but I will always long for the baby that left us too soon.

Anyway, as for the future I'm still unsure.  I don't know if I'm really ready to be pregnant again.  I think if it happened tomorrow, I'd be nothing but terrified.  And I don't know if I could gather up the energy -- or the hope -- to even start another TTC process.  I think for now I just want to try and enjoy the holiday season with my boys.

In bigger and better news, my little man is growing up.  His speech has grown by leaps and bounds compared to September.  He now calls us mommy and daddy instead of mama and dada.

AND, last week we started potty training Aidan.  He literally got up one day and said, "Daddy, bathroom!".  Casey took him to the bathroom, and he peed in the potty, simple as that!  I was prepared for a battle of wills when he turned three and I finally put my foot down and decided to potty train him.  But I know I am truly blessed because the transition has been about as smooth as possible!  The best thing I could have done was toss the pull-ups, because he was just using them as a diaper.  Once we put him in big boy undies (that he picked out!), he peed once and learned he didn't like the feeling.  That first day of wearing them, we went through about 7 pairs of undies, but by the end of the day, he was just dribbling in them and stopping himself before he peed, at which point he'd tell us.  Here we are on day 8, and the only reward he gets is a car for when he poops (yes, he started pooping in the potty on day 2!!!!!) because that's a really big deal.  But we don't have to remind him anymore, he comes to tell us whenever he has to go.  AND, we've graduated from the potty to the toilet, which I would have never thought possible this early on.

We still have things to work on.  He needs help getting his pants and undies off in time to get onto the toilet.  The step we have is too small, so I have to lift him onto it.  And when have about 4 false alarms a day of him thinking he has to poo, but when he gets onto the toilet he just farts lol.  Also, we have to put a diaper on him when he sleeps so he doesn't wet the bed.  Most days he wakes up bone dry, but he does have those occasions where he wakes up wet.

So my little man is growing up, I seriously can't believe it!  Now I can enroll him in school next September (::tear::).  So many changes it blows my mind.  I'm kind of excited to see what 2011 is going to bring our way...

Crazy Target Lady: Christmas is here

I seriously can't keep a straight face when I watch this commercial.  I actually almost peed my pants when she started with the "Rumtummytummy, rumtummytummy, rumtummytummy, ho, ho, ho".  Definitely an instant pick-me-up.  So, good job Target.  Though you didn't convince me to take part in the insanity that is Black Friday shopping, you definitely made my holidays a little brighter!

11.16.2005

If you had asked me what I pictured my life to be at the age of 26, I would have said I'd be a marine mammal trainer, living someplace warm training dolphins, working in the sun all day long.  I probably would have laughed in your face if you told me I'd give it all up.  And my eyes might have gotten stuck rolling up in my head, had you said I had given it up for a guy in uniform.

I say this, not only because my dolphin training dream was borderline obsessive, but also because I knew I could never handle a high maintenance guy in uniform.  I was always the person who needed a phone call everyday.  In college I drove from RI to NY to visit my boyfriend every weekend because I hated going longer than a week without seeing him (lame, I know).  I was selfish and expected to spend every birthday, holiday, and anniversary with him, no questions asked, no excuses taken.  The last thing I expected was to date a man who disappeared for months on end...someone who would have to put his job before his relationship, someone I would have to wait on.

And then I met Casey...my world changed.  I'd honestly never met anyone who made me feel dumbstruck and love-silly like this.  To everyone else, it probably seemed like that sickeningly sweet, overly corny, ridiculously fast, girl-you-are-out-of-your-mind kind of love...the kind that blows over and dies fast when he moves half way around the world to a place that was thought to be some kind of urban myth invented by our generation just to convey how far something was (or Guam as I like to call it).  But to me, it wasn't that way.  I was convinced it worth trying for...he was "the one", we needed to try.  If we didn't I'd always be obsessing over "what if..." playing out different scenarios in my head.  If we tried and failed, then I'd know we did everything we could.  But if we made it (and I wanted so badly to make it work), then there was nothing that could break us.

And so I became that girl who eagerly awaited e-mails and got teary eyed over surprise phone calls.  I became that girl who's significant other seemed more like a fantasy rather than the real thing.  For the first time in my life I had to trust unconditionally that he would be faithful and that it would all work out in the end.  Most importantly, when it became clear that marriage is what I wanted, I had to choose between a life spent forever waiting, or one spent living my dream. 

But then I found that my dream had changed.  I was willing to give up a future doing what I loved, and having a traditionally normal relationship, for this crazy lifestyle where I'd be forced to sacrifice way more than I ever had before.  My old dream, it wasn't worth doing, if I didn't have this person with me.  So I did the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  I packed up my life, left all the friends and family I'd ever known, and moved 5 million miles away to be with the man I loved (in Guam!).

It's been five years since my life changed and I became MRS.  I will admit, I fooled myself into thinking it would be easier once we were married and living together.  I quickly learned that not only would we be going through the normal newly-wed, newly living together adjustments (fights about money, who did the dishes, and throwing fits over boxers that were thrown to the base of the hamper but never quite made it INTO the hamper...), but I also had to learn how to be a proper navy wife.  I had to learn to admit defeat when the Big Black Bitch (a.k.a the submarine) came calling.  I had to graciously give up my married life and say goodbye to my husband for months on end, not knowing if we'd even have any contact during that time (and by graciously I mean blubbering like an idiot as I drove him to the pier, every time...I cry every single time we say goodbye).  I had to learn that when you've gone so long without phone calls or e-mails, your entire relationship starts to seem like one really good dream and you can only hope they come back still in love with you....I learned they most definitely will come back, still in love.  And most of all, I had to learn that the first kiss after a long deployment is what makes every single minute of being alone worth it.

My five years of marriage is nothing like I dreamed it to be when I was younger.  It's been hard...full of more compromise and sacrifice (on both of our parts) that I ever expected.  There have been more extreme meltdowns where I curse the Navy gods for ruining my life (dramatic, I know, but so true) than I expected or even wanted.  Most of all, there's been more love than I ever could have imagined.  I always knew I'd marry someone I loved...but I never expected I'd be able to love someone this much.  I never dreamed I'd go through all these highs and lows and say, it's so worth it....if everything I've done means I get to spend my forever with this man, I will do it all ten times over again, without hesitation.

So here's to five years down, forever to go.  Happy Anniversary to my husband, my best friend, and my soul mate.  I couldn't have wished for a better man to spend my life with.  I love you.

Good Things

The last two weeks have just been one huge roller coaster ride.  Fortunately I've had some good moments in between all the bad news and sad feelings.

On Friday I was told by my husband that he had a surprise for me.  Long story short, he left the house at about 3:30 to go pick up my "surprise".  I was taking a nap when he left, and I admit I thought it was odd that he wasn't home by the time Aidan and I woke up at 4.  I brushed it off thinking he ran other errands while he was out.  I was thinking he had gone out to get me flowers, or was picking up a baby sitter so we could have a night out, or something simple.  He walked through the door at 4:30, and the first thing I noticed was his empty hands.  OK, so flowers were out.  Then I noticed he left the garage door open behind him and someone else was about to step inside.  At first I thought he brought one of his friends over, or maybe even the sitter.  But when I saw who it was behind him, I was speechless.  My best friend from college was standing in my kitchen.  All I could do was stare, mouth wide open, not believing what I was seeing.  Then she says, "Surprise" and it all started to click.  But I still couldn't get over the shock of it!  I will admit, I cried a bit, so touched by having an amazing friend who wanted to come all the way down here to try and be there for me. 

Unfortunately that good feeling was cut short by a phone call from my father in law.  Earlier that day his mother had passed.  I guess it wasn't enough for my husband to have to deal with losing our baby....he now had to cope with losing a relative.  And I honestly don't know what shocked me more...my best friend standing in my living room, or the phone call saying Momo was gone. 

Anyway, she was able to stay until today, which was awesome.  We went to the zoo, watched an amazing LSU game on Saturday, while yesterday was spent lazily chit chatting and watching TV like we did in college.  It gave me a chance to feel more like my normal self.  It was hard to stay so depressed while reminiscing over old times and sharing stories about our lives as navy wives and mommies. 

Although I'm sad to see her leave again, I'm very grateful for the weekend we had.  And I still have a visit from my sister to look forward to:  another trip to the zoo, one to Savannah, and a lot of laughing while my son runs circles around her.  It'll be another short trip, but it will probably be a really good four days of sister bonding time.

I don't know when this sad feeling will completely leave me.  I look forward to waking up on the day that it is truly all gone.  But until then, I will try my hardest to relish all the good little things I have going on around me.

Love my doctor!

I had an appointment with the OB today.  But when I got to the office, they asked me if I was in for a follow up, and they seemed kind of confused that I was there.  I said I wasn't really sure why, but I had made the appointment last week, and everything was kind of a blur.  And then the receptionist told me that because I had opted for the D&C they had canceled the appointment, and said she would as if they still wanted to see me.  I told her, either way, I had some questions and if they could fit me in, I would really appreciate it.

So I waited about 10 minutes and they brought me back.  Dr. Mixson came in, hugged me, asked me how I was.  We talked a but about the grieving process, how long it would take for the symptoms to fade, etc.  And then I told him, I was worried because my previous primary care physician said metformin would pretty much be the only thing I could take to help me have a monthly cycle and get pregnant.  I told Dr. Mixson I didn't realize how miserable I was on metformin until I got off of it.  It messed with my stomach, I had headaches almost every single day, I was crabby because I felt like crap, and I was constantly nauseous.  But I was told it was my only chance so I put up with it. 

Turns out there ARE other options.  So together, the doctor and I created a plan to try again.  I'll go back in 4 weeks to see if I've had a cycle yet.  If not, we will wait and see if I have a cycle or get pregnant on my own for three months.  If in three months I still don't have a regular cycle, he will start me on provera and clomid to help us get pregnant.  I'm so happy we have a plan....it gives me something to look forward to.  I'm still not thrilled I have to wait so long, but he wants to be absolutely certain that the pregnancy didn't change how my body is working (because clomid can have serious side effects) and it's possible that because of the pregnancy, I could end up having regular periods with no help at all.  So for right now it's a wait and see game, but it doesn't mean I should lose hope or not try to have a baby in this three months time.  Who knows...maybe I miscarried because my body just needed to fix itself and I'll start having regular cycles.  I know it can happen.

Whatever the case, I'm extremely satisfied with this doctor.  The day we found out, he called me himself to see if I was OK.  He could just as easily had a nurse check on me.  Instead of turning me away today because my appointment had been canceled, or rushing through my questions, he took the time to make sure I'm at ease, that I'm not too depressed, and didn't make me feel like metformin was my only option.  He explained what we could do and made sure I was comfortable with it.  You honestly don't see that kind of patience and willingness to help in a lot of doctor's these days.  I know he must deal with miscarriages more than most people will in their lifetimes, but he never once made me feel like I was just another patient.  Everyone in that office made me feel like I mattered...they acknowledged my pain, they gave their condolances...didn't rush me to make any decisions and handled the entire situation with tact and sympathy.  More than that, they are helping me grieve and move forward.  And for that I am extremely grateful. 

First Day Alone

I don't know why being alone with Aidan is making me so depressed.  I've been really good the last couple of days.  But then again I've had my husband here to keep me busy and comfort me when I needed it.  Now it's all on me.  To make matters worse, I'm still cramping pretty good, which does nothing but serve as a constant reminder.  And again, I'm alone, so there's no taking pain meds and sleeping it off.

I thought I'd be OK by now, go on with life as normal but I was obviously kidding myself.  I have a lot of pregnant friends, and I can't avoid every pregnant woman in the world.  But the sight of preggo bellies, status updates, and posts on the internet make my eyes fill with tears.  It's like I just want to forget everything, but I can't.  I'm so over feeling like this.  I wish I could just wake up and have everything be different. 

Today definitely sucks.

Trying to get back to normal

So we went ahead with our Halloween party last night.  I was in some pain but I did the best I could.  I have to admit, I was in no mood to dress up, but I wanted to make my husband happy and at least try to have a good time.  So I got all dolled up in my sultry vampire dress, did my hair and makeup and did my best to chit chat with guests.  Thankfully Star, Patrick and Sissy were the first people here, and being around them was an instant pick-me-up.

I ended up having a good time with my friends.  Halfway through the party, Star asked to borrow some sweats because she was cold, and I happily lent her a pair then changed into a pair myself.  After getting comfy I felt much better. 

All in all, I thought it would be much harder to be social and try to act like my normal self, even though I'm not feeling normal.  But I have an awesome support system.  And even though I'm still grieving, I'm so grateful for those "normal" moments where I don't remember how sad I am.

I have an appointment with the midwife on Wednesday.  I'm hoping that if we make a plan to try again, it'll make me feel better.  I'm not ready to jump right back into trying, even though the doctor said we can start immediately.  But I'm stressing out about how long it took us this last time, and having to be on metformin.  I'm hoping that instead of the metformin, I can skip all the headaches and tummy troubles and take the clomid instead.  I think knowing that we have some sort of plan will put my mind at ease and I won't feel pressured to start trying right away.

But for now, I'm happy with trying to get back on track.  Every day it gets a little easier and I feel a little less depressed.  I have a lot to distract myself, with school, planning an upcoming visit with my sister, and a plan to lose the weight I gained by indulging in every pregnancy craving lol.  The hardest part is dealing with the pregnancy symptoms that are lingering.  Hopefully those fade quickly and I can just get back to feeling like my normal self.

Just Starting

OK.  Forgive me if I have any huge spelling errors or if reading this is hard to understand, as I'm still feeling the effects of the anesthesia.

I went to the hospital this morning to have the D&C done.  Everyone was really nice, and I wasn't too nervous by the time I had gotten there.  I met the other doctor, Dr. DiLorenzo, since my doctor was out of town, and she was great.  I guess the whole thing took about 15 minutes...it took longer for me to wake up than it did to complete the whole procedure. 

Going into it I was just numb.  I knew what I was going in there for, and I wasn't exactly happy.  When the doctor was talking to me, she said usually the reason a missed miscarriage occurs is because of chromosomal abnormalities, which I understood.  And then she said the probability of this happening again was so slim.  It made me cry though, because I couldn't believe I was having to do this even once.  I don't even want to face having to do this again.

Anyway, once in the OR, I remember then trying to warm me up because I was freezing.  Then I freaked out because there was pain in my arm...I guess the anesthesia hurts when it enters your system.  I asked the doc if that was normal and I remember him saying, "Yes it's OK, don't worry you're going to be fine." and then, nothing.  Next thing I know I'm waking up next to a nurse and I asked her if it was over.  She said yes and gave me some demerol for the pain.  When she walked out to get Casey it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks:  Our baby was really gone.  And so I cried, again.

You would think I would have been prepared for that feeling but I really wasn't.  There's no words to describe how badly that hurt...it was almost as if I was finding it out for the first time.  Even now, 7 hours later, I'm still struggling not to cry.  I still can't wrap my head around all of this.  I can't even contemplate trying again.  I know I was only weeks pregnant, but I feel like I lost this big piece of myself.  And every time I forget about it and go on with some menial task, I'm reminded by a TV commercial, or a FB post, or the sight of tampons under the sink about what we lost.  I don't know how I expected to feel, but it wasn't this.  I thought the relief of having it over would be great.  But instead, I feel like the hurt is just starting and I have no idea when it's going to stop.

Good news (kind of)

The on call doctor just called me and said we could schedule the D&C for tomorrow at 9 am.  I'm so relieved we have a plan.  I'm still nervous as hell and sad.  But at least I'm not stressing over when it's going to happen.  I'm looking forward to just starting the healing process.

As if it weren't hard enough....

Well....you all know I had decided on the D&C.  I called early this morning to set it all up, but it turns out my doctor will be away until Tuesday.  He had told me that yesterday but also told me it shouldn't be a problem to have the doctor who's backing him up while he's gone to do it.  So when I called, the woman who schedules D&Cs told me since the doctor is gone, she's going to give the message to the midwife (who was pretty much handling my pregnancy) and I have to wait for her to call me back.  I was really hoping I could get this done like, tomorrow.  I'm totally kicking myself that I didn't decide on this yesterday.

And, to boot, the spotting/bleeding has come back.  So now I don't even know if I'll make it until next week for them to do it, which is crappy because I know I won't be able to relax until it's done.  We're supposed to have a Halloween party on Saturday (it's Casey's favorite holiday, he's been planning this for weeks, and canceling it won't bring my baby back, so I told him not to cancel), and I'm super worried that it'll happen that day or night.  Or tomorrow while Casey is at work, and I'm here alone with Aidan so I won't be able to take the pain meds they gave me.

The whole miscarriage thing is heartbreaking enough.  Now I have to just wait around, and that makes it so much worse.  I feel depressed, anxious, worried, and stressed all at the same time and there doesn't seem to be a fix.  I thought the hardest part would be dealing with the initial shock from the news, but this is way worse.

Decision Made

Last night was awful.  The spotting and cramping went away.  But I couldn't sleep because I kept wondering when it would happen.  I was afraid I'd be asleep and hemorrhage.  Then I thought, what if it happens when I'm out grocery shopping, or when we have company over on Saturday?  It was driving me insane.  I can't live like this not knowing when my body is finally going to realize my baby is gone.  So I'm going to call the doc and schedule the D&C.  I just want this to be done so I can heal and move on.  I'm super nervous about having to go under, but I emotionally I think I'll be better off knowing when to expect it.

On a different note...I appreciate all the love and support.  But I'm struggling with the phone calls.  I know everyone is just trying to tell me they love me and they're here for me.  I just don't think anyone realizes how much it hurts.  I'll get to a point where I'll feel semi-normal because I've forgotten what kind of a hellish day I've had, and the phone will ring with someone wanting to check on me.  Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that people want me to know they are here for me, and there are certain phone calls that do make me feel better.  But, I'm not going to lie, there were times I didn't even pick up the phone.  Please don't be offended if you were one of those people who got the machine.  It's not personal, I just need time.

Anyway.  I'm praying today will be a better day.  I'm already fighting off tears thinking about having to call the doctor to schedule this thing.  But maybe having Casey home and taking care of my Aidan will keep me busy enough to where I don't have to dwell on it.

Oddly enough...

I remembered something today that I haven't thought about since I was pregnant with Aidan....

Five years ago, I went to see a psychic.  Before you scoff at me, let me just say it was all in fun.  I was contemplating getting back together with Casey, and my best friend and I were supposed to go out and see a movie.  Instead, on a whim, we saw a psychic and got tattoos.  Anyway, that's not the point of this story.  There are many non-believers out there, and there was a time I was skeptical.  But looking back, even now especially, I think the woman has a gift.

She told me many things that day.  Among them that I would be married to my soulmate before I was 24.  That I would be moving to warmer climates.  And that she sees four boys in my future, but that one of them wasn't there anymore.  She said she sees me suffering a loss, and that I would want to push my husband away and handle it on my own, but not to.  She told me I needed to lean on him and his support would get me through it.  Honest to God, that's exactly what she told me.

I remember when I was pregnant with Aidan, I was terrified I would miscarry because of what she told me...well not because of it, more that it would come true just like everything else did.  After I had a healthy little boy, I completely forgot about what she had told me.  Until today.  I don't even know why I remembered it, it came out of nowhere.

When I told Casey, he said, "You know what that means then, right?  That means we have two more boys coming."  That part of it is comforting.

I know it's not my fault and I know that everything happens for a reason.  But I still can't figure out how to handle it.  I'm trying really hard to not be depressed, to look at the "bright side" of things.  I'm trying to lean on my husband and let him help me get through this.  But every time someone calls to check on me, I just want to cry all over again. 

I'm not sure when I'll get back to feeling normal.  I'm going through the motions, but I just don't feel normal.  I have to remind myself that it's OK to take motrin for my headache because it can't hurt the baby, and I feel like crap.  In my head I know it's OK to take a maxalt for the pain in my head but emotionally, I can't bring myself to open the package.  When we have the Halloween party, I know I can drink, but I also know I won't be able to bring myself to do it.  I just want it to be over, but I don't know how to just...move on.

Devastated

First let me explain, this is extremely difficult to write.  But I don't want to have to explain over and over again, so I figured a blog post could help me let people know what's going on.

Last night I had some major spotting.  Didn't go to the ER though because it wasn't bright red and I was having only mild cramping (which is normal in pregnancy).  This morning I thought everything was great because it went away.  But mid-morning, I noticed it came back.  I called the doctor's office and let them know what was going on.  They asked me to come in right away.

I dropped Aidan off at Heather's (God bless her) and texted Casey about what was going on.  He surprised me and showed up at the doctor's office.  Together we waited to be seen.  Once they took me back, they examined me and saw I was not actively bleeding.  They did an ultrasound to check the baby.

I kind of knew it was coming.  She told me the doctor would have to come in, and I asked if it was bad.  She told me yes, there was no heartbeat.  She swiveled the screen around to show me.  I could see my teeny baby, but no heartbeat.  My heart broke into a million pieces.

I don't really know what to do with myself.  All I can think about is how much I loved this little bean and how excited I was to be a mom again.  And now I'm supposed to either wait it out or schedule a D&C.  I don't know if I can just wait around for this to really happen and go through the pain of it.  But at the same time I don't know if I can bring myself to have the procedure done.  For right now I can't make that decision.

I'm just thankful that I have great friends who know what I'm going through.  And now more than ever, so thankful for my husband who is helping me get through this.  Right now I'm just going to try and focus on my boys (Casey and Aidan) who need me to not slip into a funk, while still trying to find a way to grieve for our loss.  So please don't take it personal if you find out through word of mouth, or this blog.  It's just not an easy thing to have to repeat over and over again.

Readjusting

My mom was here for a week, and I'm up to that part I hate:  readjusting to being alone during the day.  I know I'll see her soon, but I so enjoy the company....it gets kind of lonely here sometimes.  Don't get me wrong,  I'm so happy my husband on shore duty...he'll be home every night for the next three years (THANK GOD!).  But I had someone to chill out with every day for a week and having to go back is rough!  Not to mention, having Nana here helped me so much with Aidan.  I could be as nauseous and as tired as I wanted to be, and I still had an extra pair of hands to help me cope with an overly rambunctious toddler lol.  Talk about spoiled!

Anyway, on the upside, my sister will be here soon.  I'll be so happy to have her here.  Hopefully the weather will cooperate and we can take a trip to Savannah and the zoo.  Unfortunately I have to wait 2 more weeks.  ::sigh::

Hopefully today and tomorrow will fly right by, and Thursday's baby appointment will be here before I know it.  I'm so looking forward to seeing our little bean's heartbeat.  That will most definitely keep me on a natural high, enough to hold me over 'til my sister gets here :o)

So relieved.

Last week was horrible.  After Friday I began to feel a little better because I thought if the doctor's office had bad news, they would have called me right away.  But when I woke up this morning, all I could think about were knowing for sure what the test results said. 

So I called, and spent 15 minutes on hold while the doctor was talking to a patient in his office.  Apparently my results had just come in that morning (which threw my bad news theory out the window) and they were in his office, but the nurse couldn't interrupt them, so she said she'd call me back.  The waiting was agonizing.  All my old doubts came back and I felt so anxious.  Finally she called back and went through everything...I mean everything!  HIV and STD screening came back negative, I'm type A negative, blah blah, blah...I know all that!!!  Finally she said, "OK, hCG is nice and high, and progesterone is 7.1, and you're about 5 weeks...".  So I asked, "My hormone levels are good for 5 weeks along?"  She plugged them into the computer and said "Yup, hormones consistent with a 5 - 6 week pregnancy!"

THANK GOD!  So, thanks to my PCOS, we just conceived 3 weeks later than we thought we did.  Actually, that means we conceived after I was given the scrip for my clomid, talk about funny.  And I know I'm not in the clear until I'm out of the first trimester...we still need to hear a heart beat at our next visit on the 28th.  But I have so much more hope now, and I'm a lot happier than I have been the last couple of days.  So YAY!  And thank you so much to all those who called to check up on me, and sent their prayers and good vibes my way.  I'm so incredibly blessed to have such an amazing support system of both friends and family.  Love you all! 

Waiting, waiting, more waiting....

So I gathered up the courage to call the doctor's office yesterday to find out the results of my blood work.  Unfortunately they were closed early for the day.  However, they didn't call me in the morning, and I feel like if they had bad news, they definitely would have.  So I'm slightly more optimistic than before.  But my defensive side still won't let me be excited about it. 

I guess there's nothing more to do but just wait a little more.  Hopefully Monday we'll have some definitive answers.  I'm tired of analyzing every single little symptom wondering if they're disappearing or not.  I definitely won't last until our next doctor's appointment.  So keep the positive thoughts and prayers coming, they are still much appreciated!

Heavy-Hearted

I'm a mess.  I can't help but just want to crawl into a ball and cry my eyes out.  I've been trying hard to just not think, but I really can't.  I just have this gut feeling it's not going to be OK and I can't shake it.  No matter how hard I try....I just know they'll be calling me to tell me my progesterone levels are way low.  I really wish I could just shut it off and stop feeling so depressed, but I can't.  I just want the same optimism everyone else has....

In Limbo

Today was my first prenatal appointment, and it was one huge emotional roller coaster ride.  Unfortunately the appointment ended with feeling like I was in limbo.

First freak out of the appointment:  During the ultrasound I was watching the midwife's face as she was doing it, and she looked concerned.  Then she says, I have to call the doctor in here.  So I started freaking out and she says, "No no don't freak out I definitely see a baby, but I think I also see another one."

Enter freak out number 2:   It took the doctor a good (long) 2 minutes to get into the room, so the whole time I'm trying not to cry, trying not to freak out, wondering how I was going to handle two babies.

So the doctor comes in, and says, "No there's just one, that's just blood flow to the endometrium." and I was relieved....for all of about 3 seconds.

Freak out number 3:  He then explained that I'm only measuring 5w, 2d and I'm supposed to be around 8.  That's a huge difference.  He asked if there's any chance we could have conceived 3 weeks ago, and I told him, I guess, but I wasn't paying attention because we were taking a break from TTC until I could start the clomid.  He said since my cycles are so irregular, it's very possible that I conceived three weeks ago, and was still able to get a positive pregnancy test on Sept. 26th. 

I can't help it, but I'm still freaking out.  The midwife said the ultrasound looks completely normal for a 5 week ultrasound, and there's evidence of blood flow all around the sac which is a really good thing.  They took my blood to check my progesterone levels to make sure they're high enough to support baby development.  And then I go back in 2 weeks to make sure the embryo is still developing.  Even though everything looks good for now, still no heartbeat because it's too early, so no reassurance there. 

I have to keep going over it and over it, trying to talk myself into believing everything is OK.  I remember feeling extra frisky the week I went to the doc for the clomid, so I was probably ovulating.  And, I did have spotting about 4 days before I had the positive pregnancy test, so that could have been implantation bleeding.  But then I start doubting myself because my boobs were hurting so early in September and I hadn't yet ovulated or gotten pregnant, which makes me feel like there a possibility I DID conceive earlier and the embryo just stopped developing at 5w2d.

So now it's just a wait and see.  I'm trying not to think bad thoughts, and I'm trying not to be depressed, but it's just so hard.  DH keeps telling me not to stress over the lack of morning sickness like I had with Aidan because it's still too early. I honestly don't want to get my hopes up, just to be crushed.  And, if the worst case scenario happens I don't know how I'll be able to handle it.  It was so hard getting to this point, it's not as simple as "We'll just try again".  I just want everything to be OK, and I want nothing more than to have a healthy little baby.

I guess I just have to concentrate on getting through the next two weeks without getting too hopeful or too depressed.  I don't know how to just forget about it.  The midwife wants me to just act like I'm pregnant because I am according to the ultrasound.  But I don't know how to stop being so terrified that it'll all come crashing down on us.  They should be calling in a few days to update me on the results of the progestrone levels, and hopefully if that comes back normal I'll feel a whole lot better.  Until then, I guess I just have to find a way to preoccupy myself.

A wee bit anxious

Today I am 8 weeks, and tomorrow is my first prenatal appointment.  I hate to say it, but as excited as I've been, I'm still waiting for the metaphorical other shoe to drop.  I think it's because I feel so different with this pregnancy.  I'm not nearly as sick as I was with Aidan...the m/s just comes and goes randomly and never lasts very long.  I'm not cramping as bad as I did with Aidan either.  I do have hardcore symptoms like frequent trips to the bathroom, and my boobs.....ohhhhh my boobs....I think it would be better if someone chopped them off with a knife!  They hurt so bad, I wince every time I hug my husband.  I feel emotional and I've got the food cravings.  But it still feels so different.

So tomorrow, I'm just praying that they tell me everything looks great.  I want nothing more than to see and hear a little heart beating.  Maybe after I see my little bean, I'll feel a whole lot better.

Exciting News!

I'm a little delayed in writing this blog, but better late than never! 

As promised in my last entry, I did in fact POAS on Sunday morning.  I rolled out of bed shortly after my husband did, at 9 am.  For the first time, I wasn't excited about POAS either.  I took my time, and set it down on the counter while I put my contacts in.  I was leaning over the test, fumbling for my contacts case in the drawer right below it, as I watched the wetness spread across the little window.  I always do this to make sure the test line shows up so I know I did the test right lol.  But this time was different...right away, before the wet spot spread to where the test line is supposed to be, I saw the second line.  I literally rubbed my eyes because I thought I was seeing things.  I felt my body start to shake as I realized what was happening....it was like I was dreaming, there's no way there was a second line in that window! 

Time for a second opinion.  I ran out of the bathroom and swung the bedroom door open to find my husband sitting on the couch on the computer.  All I could do was point toward the bathroom with this look on my face.  He thought he was going to have to kill the mother of all spiders (he told me so later on).  He followed me into the bathroom and I asked him what he saw on the stick.  He said, "I see 2 lines....what's 2 lines???".  Two lines means WE'RE PREGNANT!!!!!  I couldn't help but cry...I was so overwhelmed!  Casey said to me, "Why are you crying?  I thought you wanted this?!?".  I couldn't explain it....this was pure shock, I thought for sure we were going to need the clomid to help us!  

So, it has set in, little by little, that we have succeeded.  We will finally have the addition to our family that we have been trying for a long 10 months to have.  Needless to say our families are thrilled as well.  Everyone keeps asking how I'm feeling.  Honestly, I'm feeling pretty good at this point.  My only symptoms are the sore boobs, being "backed up", and the constant fatigue.  I can't believe this is actually happening...but I have to say, being this surprised is way more fun than expecting it!!!  With Aidan, I knew I was pregnant, I was just waiting for the damn stick to agree with me!  This time around, I honestly had no idea.  Peeing on the stick was merely a psychological ploy to bring on AF. 

Anyway, so I had the pregnancy confirmed at the base clinic yesterday.  It took me 3 hours but I left with the same smile on my face, if that tells you exactly how happy I am lol.  After leaving I immediately called my OBGYN and my first appointment is in 2 weeks!  I'm not 100% sure of my due date since I had a negative pregnancy test on September 14th and my cycles have been so irregular.  But hopefully I'm not too far off, and I'll be due around the 24th of May.

Stay tuned for more updates, I'm sure there will be plenty more to come!  Oh and here's the picture that I posted on FB to share our happy news. 

COME ON!!!!!

OK, about 2 weeks ago I went to the OBGYN and they gave me a scrip for Clomid, which I can start on days 5-10 of my cycle.  Well here we are going into week SIX of my current cycle and still no AF.  This HAS to be some kind of joke.  My boobs have been killing me for three weeks....I honestly forgot what it was like to lay on my tummy and not hurt myself....I can't even hug Casey without wincing.  I've been hella tired for the last week...to the point where I've taken up drinking coffee, and if you know me, you know I don't do coffee.  I've been crampy, bloated, and constipated like whoah (not apologizing for being TMI, this is my blog after all).  I've been craving foods left and right that I should soooooooo not be eating.  Just now I saw a commercial for the KFC fried chicken sandwich with no bread...you know, the one that has bacon, pepperjack cheese, and spicy sauce smothered in between two deliciously friend pieces of chicken????  Yeah, fighting the urge to run out and buy, as I type, right now.  This really is the never ending PMS cycle from HELL.

So I've come up with a solution.  Tomorrow morning I will pee on a stick (which shall now be known as POAS from this point on).  And one of two things should happen:  either I get a BFP (big fat positive) or AF finally shows up later in the day, possibly the next morning.  I'm thinking the latter of the two since the doc did a pregnancy test before she gave me the clomid scrip.  Either way, I'll be thrilled. 

I know some of you might be confused.  Why so anxious to start the five day stretch most women loathe to endure every month???  I'm not crazy, I promise...I just want another baby.  As long as I'm stuck in this PMS cycle, there is no chance of making baby #2.  I need my next cycle to start so I can take my Clomid, get all my blood tests done, and finally get some answers as to what the heck my body is doing.

So.....keep your fingers, toes, arms, legs, and eyes all crossed tight for me.  I really need something to give...

been far away for far too long...

OK...well I haven't blogged for a hot minute.  Lets seeeeeeee.....major points I need to catch up on:

1) My baby turned TWO at the end of March!!!  Can't believe it's been that long!!! 

2) Also in March, I was diagnosed with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome), which is why we're having trouble TTC #2.

3)  In April I celebrated my 26th birthday ::hide:: AND chopped off my hair and donated it to Locks of Love.  Here is the end result:

4)  In May, Casey returned home from his LAST deployment before shore duty!!  We celebrated by having a photographer take photos of us on the beach (see my two new pictures at the end of my blog).
5)  In June we went to Disney with my family.  We had an amazing time!!

6)  Also, we updated the kitchen in our house, buying new countertops and a new oven.  We're slowly making progress on this place, and both the hubs and I are thrilled with how it's looking so far.

7)  In July, the in-laws came to visit, and at the end of August we left for our yearly trip to Louisiana.  While we were there I went on my first dove hunt!!  It was absolutely AWESOME.  I was soooooo made to shoot a gun!

Now on to present day.  I'm still in school, with a kick ass GPA of 3.97 and I scored two grants to help with tuition.  We're still not pregnant, but I just started seeing a doctor who is willing to help us.  She checked my thyroid and that came back normal, so I can start my first round of clomid this month!  I'm excited to see if this is what we needed to help us make Aidan a big brother.

Also, Casey started shore duty at the beginning of the week!  It is amazing that I won't have to endure another deployment for the next three years.  I'm absolutely ecstatic that I get to enjoy my husband, uninterrupted until he goes back to a boat.

That's pretty much it, I've hit all the major points from the first part of this year.  We still have a LOT that we're looking forward to though.  I can hardly believe 2010 is more than halfway over, time is just flying right by.  Before you know it, we'll be heading back to Guam...

Tooting my own horn

I received a grade notification e-mail from my guidance counselor.  I was dreading it actually, since I had so many issues with the professor.  I did great on my weekly assignments, full credit on each.  But on my first short paper, I was shorted 5 points because I went over the 800 word maximum.  In my defense I couldn't fully answer the question in less than 800 words, so I would have rather gone over than be within limit and NOT answer the question.  Either way, failing to give me any of the 5 points was extreme in my opinion.  At least give me one or two seeing as how I DID the assignment, you know?

Anyway, that coupled with the fiasco that was my final paper prep and the initial zero he gave me for mistakenly submitting my assignment in the wrong format made me extremely nervous.  It was REALLY important to me to try and keep my 4.0 GPA for as long as I can, but I wasn't confident I could pull it off.  The final paper is worth 30% of my grade, and based on how he graded my previous paper....I really didn't think I was going to pull an A off.  Needless to say my heart was pounding when I logged in to check my grade.  Scroll down and check....

LIB 320 ............. A

WHAT?!?!  Wait let me check that again..... A!  I'm doing a freaken happy dance over here!  I can't believe I pulled off an A in the class from hell.  So not only did I make Deans List, I also maintained my 4.0 in one of the hardest classes I've taken.  Oh, but that's not the best part.  I downloaded his comments on my paper, and the only points that were taken off were for minor grammatical and formatting errors.  His comment on my paper overall??  "Probably one of the best papers I’ve read on this topic.  You argue your limited time period and then wield strong data.  Just an all-around strong paper.  Thanks."  Feels oh-so-good to be done, and to have done that well.

Blessings

I am thankful for my family, who keeps me occupied when I would otherwise be depressed.
I am thankful for my son who never fails to give me a reason to smile when I'm down.
I am thankful for ASA and all of the friends I have that I haven't met yet who show unconditional support.
I am thankful for my friends in real life who have been there through thick and thin.
And lastly, I am thankful for my husband, who loves me for who I am, who makes me a better person, who has gone above and beyond for his family, and who is the only person in this world that if worth all the frustration and the struggles the Navy puts us through.

Last one....

So exciting!

So Chris and Val's baby will be here sometime today!  She was admitted 2 days ago with pre-eclampsia, and they decided to induce labor since she can't keep her blood pressure down.  It's not the way we thought this would happen, but it's for the best.  Either way,  I'm so excited, I'm going to be an aunt!  That's so much more different than being a mommy....I can spoil someone else's baby completely rotten, and not have to worry about the aftermath!  I just really can't wait to see what he looks like.  And I'm thrilled Aidan will have a cousin.  The only downside (if I can even call it a downside), is that holding a little tiny baby will really take a toll on my baby fever.  So hopefully, all will go well today and both baby and mommy will stay in good health.  Can't wait until tonight!!

Deployment so far...

Not much going on since I left Georgia.  School has been my main focus.  I don't know why this is so hard for me, but getting my school work done here at my mom's is hard.  I have a paper due Tuesday and it's taking FOREVER for me to complete.  Add to that my professor is an asshole, and I'm just done.  He's refused to give me the proper amount of credit for 2 different assignments already, and he's very difficult.  Might just be me, but going to school online is hard enough.  You don't need to be a dick, it's really not conducive to the learning environment.  I'm waiting on a phone call from my guidance counselor right now so I can find out how to go about filing a grievance.  It really pisses me off that I've worked so hard up until now, and I'm being shorted on my grade because my teacher feels like being a jerk.  It pains me to say this, but I think I'll be waving bye bye to my 4.0 GPA.  I never really cared about school before, but for some reason, this time around, it matters to me. 

Anyway, so now after the latest bout of drama (he attempted to give me zero credit for an assignment submitted on time because I mistakenly uploaded my assignment in a .pages format instead of a .doc format...my bad for having a Mac and not being an infallible human being), I just have anxiety about writing this stupid paper.  I'm stressing because I know he's such a hard ass, and I'm terrified he's really going to tear me apart on this paper which is worth 30% of my grade.  Ugh, now suddenly I wish I didn't care so much about school this time around.  ::sigh:: Just the ramifications of being a grown up, I suppose.

On a random side note, I have yet to cry myself to sleep since my other half has been gone.  I miss him so much, but at least I've had phone contact the last couple of days.  It hasn't yet been a week since I've been away from him, but I'm hopeful that I'll at least skip the awful depression part of deployment.  We'll see how it all goes and I head home to Georgia to an empty house where everything reminds me of him...

Also, randomly, I am currently 9 days "late".  I say "late" because with my ridiculous cycle I'm not even sure I ovulated this month.  But, on the chance that I did have a normal 28-day cycle, I am 9 days late.  I've been a little emotional, but that could be because AF is lurking, or even misplaced deployment-related emotions.  Who even knows at this point.  All I know is, I have 1 HPT left, I'm saving it for later this week.  If it comes back negative, then I guess that will be the end of the speculation.

All I know for sure is, this deployment will be a lot easier once I eliminate the added stress this class has put on me....which means I should probably stop blogging, and get back to writing my paper.... 

Leaving...

I'll be flying to NY on Thursday to get ready to help throw my sister in law a baby shower.  It sucks to be having to leave my husband.  It doubly sucks that x amount of time after I leave him, he leaves for deployment, so I'll be coming back to an empty house.  I got seriously lucky with the extra time we were given together, but it still makes saying goodbye really hard. 

I know my key to survival is going to be staying busy.  BUSY BUSY BUSY!  I have school to keep me somewhat occupied, and then there's the shower and planning for Aidan's 2nd birthday.  I'll be flying to NY and back twice in this deployment alone, so that should help pass the time.  I just know the nights are going to lag, since there won't be anyone to watch food network and share the bed with.  But my biggest thing is hoping Aidan doesn't notice.  His daddy is is favorite and he greets him every day with a huge hug.  I'm just praying that he stays oblivious to the amount of time daddy isn't home....like he'll think it's a really long work day or something.

I can only hope that this deployment flies by as fast as the time went that I had him here with me.  I have the feeling it won't.  I'm hoping I avoid the depression part of this whole process, since I'll be surrounded by family.  I just need to keep super busy,  and just keep repeating to myself: "last one before shore duty, last one...".  Maybe it won't be so bad....

Frustrated

For reasons I can't fully disclose, I am annoyed.  Part of the annoyance stems from the fact that I can't even voice my frustrations out loud.  It's true when they say bottling it up just makes it worse.  Ugh, I really just don't get how I'm supposed to keep doing this over and over again.  They really need to invent some kind of pill that dulls the hurt of being a military spouse.  This shit is really fucking hard, and sometimes I wish all the crap and the bullshit military spouses put up with was at least acknowledged properly.  Because for some reason, a big thumbs from the command isn't cutting for me.

Terrible Twos

Seriously, it's days like today that make me NOT want anymore kids.  Aidan has been on the warpath.  Tantrums, going into drawers he's not supposed to go into, not eating, screaming, throwing toys around...I'm seriously at my wits end with it.  I don't want to spank, or use it as a first resort.  But the time outs aren't working with him, he still goes back to doing what he was doing before.  To make matters worse, if we do spank him, he does it all over again anyway.  So I end up feeling guilty about the spanking and frustrated that nothing seems to be working. 

I know he could be SO much worse....I've seen kids his age that are absolute terrors.  But I really just want my sweet little boy back.  This has been like an overnight change for him....family that saw him back in December aren't going to recognize him.  It's all about him trying to do what he wants to do, when he wants to do it.  And I'm not caving, which is causing serious amounts of friction.  I'm tired of yelling, I'm tired of spanking, I'm tired of butting heads with him.  I really hope he starts to out grow this phase soon, because it's wearing me out, and I feel like our relationship is deteriorating, which is severely depressing considering he's only 2....he's not supposed to hate me until he's a teenager....

I really have no idea what to do differently.

Dreams

I had a dream I had a little boy and his name was Jackson.  I dreamed I was with family, and I went into labor on New Years eve.  I could see his face and I was shocked he didn't look like Aidan, but he did happen to have dark hair.  I was crying in my dream saying how beautiful he was, and then I turned to my husband and said, "Do you think I was as big with this pregnancy as I was with Aidan?"  lol.  After that all I remember was sitting the baby on my lap to take a picture of the two of us with my web cam so I could post it everyone else to see.  Kind of a weird dream.  Before we got pregnant with Aidan, Casey dreamed of a dark haired little boy he was asking to help him find his shoes.  So....does this mean anything other than I just really want another baby, and I'm crossing my fingers it's another boy????  I guess we will see...

A Second Chance?

I am a huge believer in the saying "everything happens for a reason".  I almost feel like we weren't meant to get pregnant in November because it would have put my due date right around Casey's PRD date.  Basically that just means he would have wanted to take leave after being at his new shore duty position for like only a week.  And there's the possibility that they might not have even let him take leave either.  It definitely would have been stressful for both of us.  So I figured fate was going to give is better timing on our next baby.

Anyway, so Casey was supposed to leave for Diego Garcia to take the boat over from the other crew.  But "things" have happened and on Monday he got a phone call informing him he won't be leaving until much later.  This gives us a second chance at giving Aidan a sibling!  I'm thinking that there is a much bigger and better reason that he's not leaving on time, and that whoever you believe in (fate, God, mysterious gremlins, sparly fairies, etc) intervened and kept his crew home for reasons that have yet to be seen.  But, as a nice little side effect there is a chance we could get pregnant.  I didn't go back on the pill this month, so my cycle is probably going to be irregular.  Last try, I did end up ovulating eventually, and AF came into town nearly 4 weeks late (nothing is as big a bummer than having a late period while TTC only to find out you're really and seriously NOT pregnant).  So who knows if I'll ovulate on time, or even at all.

Crappy, what-if circumstances, I know, but eventually this is going to happen.  But I can't help and be hopeful that this might be our month.  I won't be as disappointed if it doesn't happen this time around...I was last time because I kind of expected it to happen right away like it did with Aidan.  But apparently my body has changed ALOT since I've had him, so it's probably going to take more time.

Either way, I'm thankful for another x weeks with my husband, and very grateful for another chance to try for a baby.

That time again....

Ugh deployment, how I despise you!!!!  I feel like I just got my husband back, and we're already packing him up to leave again.  I'm trying to enjoy the last little bit of time I have left, but deployment creeps in my mind, looming over me, making it so hard not to be in a funk.  I have to say deployment is NOT one of my favorite ways to kick off a new year.

However I'm trying really really really hard to make something positive out of it.  For one, I'm going to lose a crap ton of weight before my husband gets home.  I will be slim, fit, and pretty for his homecoming, which should make getting pregnant much easier.  I will do everything in my power to make 2010 a healthier year for me AND for my family.  I'm already not smoking, which is good for me.  Casey quit cold turkey like 2 weeks ago, so I'll do my best to motivate him as well.  So number one on my list to keep me busy during deployment:  eat healthy and go to the gym!!

Number 2 on my list:  remember my new mantra, "Last one before shore duty, last one before shore duty."  That's right, this is out LAST deployment before shore duty and I am more than excited.  No more phone trees, no more halfway night boxes, no more international phone cards, no more sleeping in the middle of the bed!!!!  SHORE DUTY!!!!!  I need to focus on that goal, and hopefully it'll make this last deployment much easier.

Number 3:  keep my 4.0 average.  I've only taken 3 classes so far, but I have worked my butt off with each class.  So far I've gotten all A's and if I could get this degree with a 4.0 average, I would be so proud of myself.  I'm taking this round of school much more seriously than I did when I was at URI.  Guess being 25 going on 26, having a husband, house, and babies makes you grow up a little more than frat parties, skipping class to sleepin, and pizza pocket dinners.  Don't get me wrong, I loved every minute of college, but this is definitely different.  So here's hoping my school work will also help this deployment fly by.

That's about it.  Like I said, I'm trying (key word being trying) to stay positive and not let this up coming goodbye leave me a tearful, slobbering mess.  We'll see.  Either way, Happy 2010....wake me when we get to shore duty....