It's New Year's Eve, and I can't help but remember where we were one year ago. Still fresh from our loss we were looking to start fertility treatments. I was hopeful, thinking January would be it for us. Little did I know that clomid wasn't just an easy answer for us. The first cycle failed, as the dose was not high enough to make me ovulate. We spent the next few months working our way up in 50mg increments, and each failed cycle was like a punch in the gut to me. Although I swore never to take metformin again, desperation made me try a combination of both drugs to try and have a successful cycle. I pretty much spent the entire first half of this year frustrated and depressed that my body was working against me. Then, to find out that on top of PCOS, I also have a thyroid issue....it was enough to make me just want to quit. And I think part of me really did just give up. I took a few months off actively TTCing, putting off clomid treatments until September. I didn't want to take a pill, chart my temp, or pee on another strip...I just wanted to stop thinking about how we kept failing. And I started school again, enrolling in a graduate program, really not believing that I'd be getting pregnant any time soon. I was on a break, and put all of my attention and energy on something not baby related.
I didn't see it coming, but August was literally like a dejavu month for me. I got pregnant in August of 2010, right before I was supposed to start clomid for the very first time. That pregnancy ended in a missed miscarriage. This year, when I found out I was pregnant with another May due date, I was shocked, excited, and slightly nervous. I couldn't help but think about how wrong things had progressed with last year's pregnancy. I anxiously held my breath, crossed my fingers, and prayed until our first OB appointment at 9 weeks. When I saw my little jelly bean on the screen, I was relieved and so incredibly happy. Needless to say, this year did not spiral downward as last year had done.
I know I was unhappy and frustrated during most of 2011. But I can't help but feel like it was all worth it. We're having another baby, and I couldn't be happier. I will always look back and remember this year as the year we really understood what being blessed really is. We not only got pregnant, but without fertility meds. And I was reminded that you might not see the sense in the way things play out, and it's easy to get angry that things aren't happening the way you planned them out. But eventually you realize things fall into place just the way they're supposed to, and you begin to understand why your own plan wasn't the right one. Looking back on everything that's happened at the close of 2010 and during all of 2011, I get it. And regardless of the struggles we went through, 2011 will always be amazing because of our little miracle and being able to say we came full circle.
Tonight, I'm saying goodbye to 2011 at home with my husband, my son, and the little gymnast that's rolling around in my belly. There's no big party, no fancy food, and no one else but us. I'm in my PJ's and my hair is a mess. But sitting here, counting all of my blessings, I'm thinking this is one of the best New Year's Eve I could have ever asked for.
So adios to 2011...it's been a crazy and surprising year. I can't wait to see what 2012 is going to bring our way.
31 December 2011
30 November 2011
16 Week Checkup
I had my 16 week checkup today. I've been feeling really great recently...I think my TSH levels finally evened out over the last few weeks because I haven't been feeling as crappy as I did last month.
I gained a pound, which puts my total weight change to -3 (wooo hooo)! I was really excited to see that I gained SOMETHING, even if it is just one pound...I just feel paranoid that if I lose weight the entire pregnancy the baby won't be healthy. Crazy I know, but it's the worry-wart of a mommy in me!
They did the quadruple screen and checked my TSH levels to make sure they're still below 3. And, I've been feeling strong braxton hicks contractions for the last few weeks, a couple of times per day. I asked him about feeling them so early on, and he said it's normal, that my uterus actually contracts 3-4 times per HOUR! So it's OK to feel it, just as long as it's not accompanied by blood or weird mucus-y discharge.
Also, little bean's HR was 160 INTERESTINGLY....one of my fellow pregnant mommas passed along a fun site to "predict" the baby's gender (http://www.babybpm.com/)and at 12w 6d with a HR of 130, the baby was predicted a boy. But now it's predicting GIRL, based on 16w 6d with a HR of 160! I know it's just an old wives tale and it's about as accurate as the chinese gender calendar (which all told me Aidan was supposed to be a girl). But, this just makes me even more anxious for Friday when we have our gender confirmation scan. I'm so excited, I probably won't be sleeping from here until then!
Anyway, I scheduled the anatomy scan for Dec. 12 at 2pm, and my next checkup is on Jan 3. I'm so glad everything is going well...no PIH and hopefully no diabetes. Now if I could just have a successful VBAC, I think I can file this pregnancy under "AWESOME"! It's really important to me to have an uneventful, healthy pregnancy. I really want to apply to be a surrogate after I have this baby next year, and I think it'll look great if they see I've recently had a healthy pregnancy.
And randomly, off topic, I'm going to a place I never thought I would ever go before: Cloth Diapering! I know, it sounds silly, but I have a severe aversion to dealing with poopy diapers. I couldn't fathom having to spray off a dirty diaper before washing it, not to mention my OCD tendencies would never let me put a completely filthy diaper into my washing machine....it would be forever soiled in my eyes! But I've asked around and I've been schooled on the cloth diapering ways. So I've been doing research to figure out what brands might suit me and how much cheaper it would be....and I think I'm going to try it out. They make these liners that go over the cloth insert, so when you get a dirty diaper, you just flush the liner and wash the insert, which calms my anxiety about having to get my hands and/or washing machine dirty. I might actually like it, especially since I refused to breast feed before I got pregnant with Aidan and then ended up conceding to try it and in the end loving it! And hey, if it saves us from having to buy spend a ton of money on diapers, I'm willing to give it a shot.
So that's my update. My next update will be about the baby's gender, but it won't be until after we tell Casey's family in person, right before Christmas. And in case you missed it, we finally compromised on a girl's name. Aidan actually picked it out, and since Casey hates my top choices and I hate his, we had to go back to the drawing board. I didn't like it at first, but our choice has been growing on me. So, if it's a girl, she will be Abigail Maria-Jane (calling her Abby for short). And it was never a question as to what boy's name we were going to use...we've had this first name picked out since before we started trying for a second! But we did pick out a middle name we liked, so if it is a boy, he will be Jackson James-Cooper (I imagine calling him Jack, JJ, or JCoop for short lol). So hang tight, only a few more weeks until the world will know if we're on team pink or team blue!
I gained a pound, which puts my total weight change to -3 (wooo hooo)! I was really excited to see that I gained SOMETHING, even if it is just one pound...I just feel paranoid that if I lose weight the entire pregnancy the baby won't be healthy. Crazy I know, but it's the worry-wart of a mommy in me!
They did the quadruple screen and checked my TSH levels to make sure they're still below 3. And, I've been feeling strong braxton hicks contractions for the last few weeks, a couple of times per day. I asked him about feeling them so early on, and he said it's normal, that my uterus actually contracts 3-4 times per HOUR! So it's OK to feel it, just as long as it's not accompanied by blood or weird mucus-y discharge.
Also, little bean's HR was 160 INTERESTINGLY....one of my fellow pregnant mommas passed along a fun site to "predict" the baby's gender (http://www.babybpm.com/)and at 12w 6d with a HR of 130, the baby was predicted a boy. But now it's predicting GIRL, based on 16w 6d with a HR of 160! I know it's just an old wives tale and it's about as accurate as the chinese gender calendar (which all told me Aidan was supposed to be a girl). But, this just makes me even more anxious for Friday when we have our gender confirmation scan. I'm so excited, I probably won't be sleeping from here until then!
Anyway, I scheduled the anatomy scan for Dec. 12 at 2pm, and my next checkup is on Jan 3. I'm so glad everything is going well...no PIH and hopefully no diabetes. Now if I could just have a successful VBAC, I think I can file this pregnancy under "AWESOME"! It's really important to me to have an uneventful, healthy pregnancy. I really want to apply to be a surrogate after I have this baby next year, and I think it'll look great if they see I've recently had a healthy pregnancy.
And randomly, off topic, I'm going to a place I never thought I would ever go before: Cloth Diapering! I know, it sounds silly, but I have a severe aversion to dealing with poopy diapers. I couldn't fathom having to spray off a dirty diaper before washing it, not to mention my OCD tendencies would never let me put a completely filthy diaper into my washing machine....it would be forever soiled in my eyes! But I've asked around and I've been schooled on the cloth diapering ways. So I've been doing research to figure out what brands might suit me and how much cheaper it would be....and I think I'm going to try it out. They make these liners that go over the cloth insert, so when you get a dirty diaper, you just flush the liner and wash the insert, which calms my anxiety about having to get my hands and/or washing machine dirty. I might actually like it, especially since I refused to breast feed before I got pregnant with Aidan and then ended up conceding to try it and in the end loving it! And hey, if it saves us from having to buy spend a ton of money on diapers, I'm willing to give it a shot.
So that's my update. My next update will be about the baby's gender, but it won't be until after we tell Casey's family in person, right before Christmas. And in case you missed it, we finally compromised on a girl's name. Aidan actually picked it out, and since Casey hates my top choices and I hate his, we had to go back to the drawing board. I didn't like it at first, but our choice has been growing on me. So, if it's a girl, she will be Abigail Maria-Jane (calling her Abby for short). And it was never a question as to what boy's name we were going to use...we've had this first name picked out since before we started trying for a second! But we did pick out a middle name we liked, so if it is a boy, he will be Jackson James-Cooper (I imagine calling him Jack, JJ, or JCoop for short lol). So hang tight, only a few more weeks until the world will know if we're on team pink or team blue!
16 November 2011
Six years down, forever to go...
My forever didn't start in the traditional way. Usually, there's a dating period, a living together period before getting engaged, the engagement period, and then the long awaited nuptials. The happy couple celebrate with their close friends and families, and set off for a romantic getaway on some secluded resort with picturesque views. It's like a formula, you go from A to B, from B to C, so on and so forth. Every young girl pictures this sequence of events, planning details along the way. I was no different, I knew exactly how it would all go down. Only, I couldn't have been more wrong.
In December of 2003 I met a guy in uniform. No big deal, it wasn't supposed to be a serious thing. I was single for the first time in a long time, and I all I cared about was having fun, not falling in love. Not to mention, all my other friends were dating Navy guys, so why not have a little fling? We never really talked about it but the understanding was, once schooling was over he would move on and so would I. But then...it got complicated. We fell for each other pretty hard. Five months later, when the time came and his orders to Guam showed up, I found that it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be to end it. I really had to think about what I was doing. If we ended it, I would always be wondering about what could have been. But if we tried, I would at least know...even if we failed, I could always take comfort in knowing we gave it a shot. By the time my boyfriend left for Guam and we said our final goodbyes, we had been together for 6 months. Only 6 months, and saying goodbye was the absolute hardest thing I ever had to do, probably because I didn't know if I'd ever see him again. We made it another 6 months of long distance "dating" before it all fell apart. I knew the odds were against us, but even still, I was crushed.
Fast forward to November of 2005. I ran to Louisiana to marry that same guy, a man I hadn't laid eyes on in 15 months. For 8 of those months we weren't dating or even talking. We started our relationship back up over the phone while living on opposite sides of the world. We made plans to get married that same way. I kept it a secret from most of my friends and family, partly because I didn't know (and didn't want to know) what they would say, and partly because I couldn't believe it was real. The night before I left for Louisiana, I was nervous, I don't think I slept at all. I don't even think it had sunk in that I was getting ready to go get married. I took the first 6 am flight out of Rhode Island and flew to where my future husband was waiting. All kinds of things were going on in my head...would he still think I was beautiful? What if he changed? What if he thought I changed? What if I see him and all my feelings disappear?? I was a wreck, I wasn't even sure how my legs were going to carry me off that plane. But somehow, I managed to get off the plane and walk what seemed like a mile from the tarmac to the airport where he was waiting inside. When the doors opened, I saw him standing there so incredibly handsome in his dress blues. My knees got weaker, but I managed to walk up to him. He put his arms around me, burying my head in his chest. I smelled that familiar smell, and I was done. However unconventional, this was right, he was the one for me. Standing in the tiny Alexandria airport with a handful of strangers watching and wondering, I was on the proverbial cloud 9.
The next night he had me get all dressed up and took me to a nice restaurant. He had planned it all out. There was a single table on the patio, under the stars, right in front of the fountain. We sat down, and as I was studying the menu, I looked up to see Casey on one knee next to me, asking me to marry him. He was giving me a little piece of what I had envisioned for myself: a romantic proposal. I will always appreciate that he treated that night as if he were asking me for the first time.
A few days later we were in a courthouse, with no one around but the people that truly mattered, saying our vows for the first time. I giggled through the entire ceremony, still not quite believing it was real. We spent a few more days together as husband and wife, and went our separate ways. Oddly enough, I didn't cry saying goodbye to him that time. I knew I'd be seeing him again. I flew back home, and came clean with my friends and family. People could call me crazy if they wanted, I knew what we had done was right for us.
The first year of marriage was lived out through e-mails, phone calls, and week long visit to see him in Guam. In that first year, we spent a whopping 34 non-consecutive days with each other. No doubt the best 34 days I ever had during that year. It was hard, but it made me realize just how much this marriage meant to me. As I walked down the aisle to meet my already husband when we renewed our vows on October 29, 2006, I did not giggle. The swell of emotions knowing that I was getting ready to leave all my friends and family behind to be with this amazing man was overwhelming. Everything I'd been waiting for was here. I couldn't help but cry as we read the new and personal vows that we wrote to each other. Even though we were already married, it was still perfect.
Things now are not how I pictured my marriage to be when I was younger. I say goodbye to my husband more than I would like. Sometimes I have to be mommy and daddy to our little boy. I have to trust that my husband will come home safe after every deployment and that we will be able to pick up from where we left off. We've missed anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays. There have been times where I hated this life and all the time we missed out on. But I would never change it. We may not have the kind of marriage I pictured, but I love him more than I ever imagined I could. Six years into our forever, and I know there will be rough patches down the road. I know we will have to say goodbye, that we'll spend too much time missing each other, and become frustrated at trying to work around the Navy's schedule. But I look forward to the homecomings, the sweet hellos and first kisses, every holiday spent together, seeing our family grow, and all the nights I'm lucky enough to fall asleep in his arms. I look forward to being loved and to loving him more as the years pass.
As hard it might be sometimes, I love you Casey, and it will always be worth it.
In December of 2003 I met a guy in uniform. No big deal, it wasn't supposed to be a serious thing. I was single for the first time in a long time, and I all I cared about was having fun, not falling in love. Not to mention, all my other friends were dating Navy guys, so why not have a little fling? We never really talked about it but the understanding was, once schooling was over he would move on and so would I. But then...it got complicated. We fell for each other pretty hard. Five months later, when the time came and his orders to Guam showed up, I found that it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be to end it. I really had to think about what I was doing. If we ended it, I would always be wondering about what could have been. But if we tried, I would at least know...even if we failed, I could always take comfort in knowing we gave it a shot. By the time my boyfriend left for Guam and we said our final goodbyes, we had been together for 6 months. Only 6 months, and saying goodbye was the absolute hardest thing I ever had to do, probably because I didn't know if I'd ever see him again. We made it another 6 months of long distance "dating" before it all fell apart. I knew the odds were against us, but even still, I was crushed.
Fast forward to November of 2005. I ran to Louisiana to marry that same guy, a man I hadn't laid eyes on in 15 months. For 8 of those months we weren't dating or even talking. We started our relationship back up over the phone while living on opposite sides of the world. We made plans to get married that same way. I kept it a secret from most of my friends and family, partly because I didn't know (and didn't want to know) what they would say, and partly because I couldn't believe it was real. The night before I left for Louisiana, I was nervous, I don't think I slept at all. I don't even think it had sunk in that I was getting ready to go get married. I took the first 6 am flight out of Rhode Island and flew to where my future husband was waiting. All kinds of things were going on in my head...would he still think I was beautiful? What if he changed? What if he thought I changed? What if I see him and all my feelings disappear?? I was a wreck, I wasn't even sure how my legs were going to carry me off that plane. But somehow, I managed to get off the plane and walk what seemed like a mile from the tarmac to the airport where he was waiting inside. When the doors opened, I saw him standing there so incredibly handsome in his dress blues. My knees got weaker, but I managed to walk up to him. He put his arms around me, burying my head in his chest. I smelled that familiar smell, and I was done. However unconventional, this was right, he was the one for me. Standing in the tiny Alexandria airport with a handful of strangers watching and wondering, I was on the proverbial cloud 9.
The next night he had me get all dressed up and took me to a nice restaurant. He had planned it all out. There was a single table on the patio, under the stars, right in front of the fountain. We sat down, and as I was studying the menu, I looked up to see Casey on one knee next to me, asking me to marry him. He was giving me a little piece of what I had envisioned for myself: a romantic proposal. I will always appreciate that he treated that night as if he were asking me for the first time.
A few days later we were in a courthouse, with no one around but the people that truly mattered, saying our vows for the first time. I giggled through the entire ceremony, still not quite believing it was real. We spent a few more days together as husband and wife, and went our separate ways. Oddly enough, I didn't cry saying goodbye to him that time. I knew I'd be seeing him again. I flew back home, and came clean with my friends and family. People could call me crazy if they wanted, I knew what we had done was right for us.
The first year of marriage was lived out through e-mails, phone calls, and week long visit to see him in Guam. In that first year, we spent a whopping 34 non-consecutive days with each other. No doubt the best 34 days I ever had during that year. It was hard, but it made me realize just how much this marriage meant to me. As I walked down the aisle to meet my already husband when we renewed our vows on October 29, 2006, I did not giggle. The swell of emotions knowing that I was getting ready to leave all my friends and family behind to be with this amazing man was overwhelming. Everything I'd been waiting for was here. I couldn't help but cry as we read the new and personal vows that we wrote to each other. Even though we were already married, it was still perfect.
Things now are not how I pictured my marriage to be when I was younger. I say goodbye to my husband more than I would like. Sometimes I have to be mommy and daddy to our little boy. I have to trust that my husband will come home safe after every deployment and that we will be able to pick up from where we left off. We've missed anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays. There have been times where I hated this life and all the time we missed out on. But I would never change it. We may not have the kind of marriage I pictured, but I love him more than I ever imagined I could. Six years into our forever, and I know there will be rough patches down the road. I know we will have to say goodbye, that we'll spend too much time missing each other, and become frustrated at trying to work around the Navy's schedule. But I look forward to the homecomings, the sweet hellos and first kisses, every holiday spent together, seeing our family grow, and all the nights I'm lucky enough to fall asleep in his arms. I look forward to being loved and to loving him more as the years pass.
As hard it might be sometimes, I love you Casey, and it will always be worth it.
02 November 2011
Helllloooooo Second Trimester!
Tomorrow I turn 13 weeks, which means I'm knocking on the door to my second trimester! I'm so happy to have made it this far...I can rest a bit easier since chances of m/c drop significantly after 13 weeks.
I had my 4 week checkup today. I didn't see my regular doctor, but a student who is working with the doctor and midwife at the practice. She was very nice so I didn't mind seeing her at all. I gave her my list of complaints, reasons why I thought my synthroid wasn't working as well, and asked about fioricet. She said that because I have a history of migraines, it would be a good idea to see a neurologist because having a headache every day is not just because of the pregnancy. So I'll have to go back to my primary physician to get that referral put in. And they said it was too early to test my thyroid again because 4 weeks ago it was 2.6 (YAY!). However, because of my complaints they'll be checking the levels again in 4 weeks just to make sure I'm still good.
Otherwise, everything looks OK...BP was a bit high 136/80, but then again I've been battling a headache for the better part of 2 weeks so I wasn't surprised. Baby's HR was in the 130s and she found it right in the spot where I've been feeling all the flutters. I lost 4 lbs...no clue how I lost weight since I've been great in giving into my insane cravings (i.e. downing two kickin coney hotdogs from sonic like it's my job lol). I think a lot of it has to do with my loss of appetite...by the time dinner comes, I literally have to force myself to eat (one of the reasons I thought my synthroid needed to be increased). They're also weaning me off metformin, so that's one less pill I have to worry about every day! My next appointment is November 30. I will also be making an appointment at the 3D sonogram place for December 2 to find out the gender of the baby. Casey won't be here for my 20 week growth scan, and I really wanted him to be with me when we found out boy or girl. So, one month from today, we'll be doing a short 2D ultrasound package to find out if the baby is Jackson or if we will be fighting about girl names from here straight until May.
Also, I think I did come to the decision about how I'll be giving birth. The hospital policy here is to perform a c-section rather than push for a VBAC. However, my doctor's office said that if I want a VBAC, they would send me out for a VBAC consult around my 28 week mark. If that comes back OK, then I would just come to the local hospital, and tell them that I refuse a c-section. She said that there are risks, and they will make me sign forms acknowledging those risks, but I have the right to refuse a c-section. SO, if I want a VBAC, I can still use this local hospital (which is so convenient because it's literally 5 minutes from my house). I know I swore when I witnessed Paxton's birth I'd never do it, but a big part of me is saying not to worry about the pain it'll be easier to recover from. I remember then massaging my uterus after my c-section with Aidan because they thought I was hemorrhaging, and there's probably nothing more painful than that (I almost passed out from the pain). I know this means we'll be waiting around for me to go into labor, but I really think that's the route I'm going to take. I'm less nervous about doing it that way, than opting for a spinal block and letting them cut me open while I lay there worrying that the feeling is going to return and I'll feel them sewing me up.
That's about it. I was very happy to hear baby's heart beat because I can't always find it with my doppler at home. But she found it right where I usually do, and where I've been feeling all my little flutters. I can't wait for December 2 so I can finally start saying he or she. But if November goes by anywhere near as fast as October did, it'll be here before I know it!
I had my 4 week checkup today. I didn't see my regular doctor, but a student who is working with the doctor and midwife at the practice. She was very nice so I didn't mind seeing her at all. I gave her my list of complaints, reasons why I thought my synthroid wasn't working as well, and asked about fioricet. She said that because I have a history of migraines, it would be a good idea to see a neurologist because having a headache every day is not just because of the pregnancy. So I'll have to go back to my primary physician to get that referral put in. And they said it was too early to test my thyroid again because 4 weeks ago it was 2.6 (YAY!). However, because of my complaints they'll be checking the levels again in 4 weeks just to make sure I'm still good.
Otherwise, everything looks OK...BP was a bit high 136/80, but then again I've been battling a headache for the better part of 2 weeks so I wasn't surprised. Baby's HR was in the 130s and she found it right in the spot where I've been feeling all the flutters. I lost 4 lbs...no clue how I lost weight since I've been great in giving into my insane cravings (i.e. downing two kickin coney hotdogs from sonic like it's my job lol). I think a lot of it has to do with my loss of appetite...by the time dinner comes, I literally have to force myself to eat (one of the reasons I thought my synthroid needed to be increased). They're also weaning me off metformin, so that's one less pill I have to worry about every day! My next appointment is November 30. I will also be making an appointment at the 3D sonogram place for December 2 to find out the gender of the baby. Casey won't be here for my 20 week growth scan, and I really wanted him to be with me when we found out boy or girl. So, one month from today, we'll be doing a short 2D ultrasound package to find out if the baby is Jackson or if we will be fighting about girl names from here straight until May.
Also, I think I did come to the decision about how I'll be giving birth. The hospital policy here is to perform a c-section rather than push for a VBAC. However, my doctor's office said that if I want a VBAC, they would send me out for a VBAC consult around my 28 week mark. If that comes back OK, then I would just come to the local hospital, and tell them that I refuse a c-section. She said that there are risks, and they will make me sign forms acknowledging those risks, but I have the right to refuse a c-section. SO, if I want a VBAC, I can still use this local hospital (which is so convenient because it's literally 5 minutes from my house). I know I swore when I witnessed Paxton's birth I'd never do it, but a big part of me is saying not to worry about the pain it'll be easier to recover from. I remember then massaging my uterus after my c-section with Aidan because they thought I was hemorrhaging, and there's probably nothing more painful than that (I almost passed out from the pain). I know this means we'll be waiting around for me to go into labor, but I really think that's the route I'm going to take. I'm less nervous about doing it that way, than opting for a spinal block and letting them cut me open while I lay there worrying that the feeling is going to return and I'll feel them sewing me up.
That's about it. I was very happy to hear baby's heart beat because I can't always find it with my doppler at home. But she found it right where I usually do, and where I've been feeling all my little flutters. I can't wait for December 2 so I can finally start saying he or she. But if November goes by anywhere near as fast as October did, it'll be here before I know it!
15 October 2011
Trip to the ER
***Warning, this may be TMI***
Well, we've had our first official scare with this pregnancy. Earlier today, I went to the bathroom, and noticed the toilet water had turned red. It stayed bright red with about three wipes, and then turned brown. I spotted frequently with Aidan, but this was unlike anything I ever experienced with him. First, it was just bright red blood, and there was so much. Then when it turned brown, all I could think of was what happened last year's miscarriage (I spotted brown). I'd been having minor cramps on and off the last couple of days, so I was really starting to freak out. I walked into the living room, trying to find the words to tell my husband what was happening and I couldn't. Luckily for me, he knows me so well, he knew just by looking at my face. We called my OB's answering service and I told him what happened and he told me to go to the ER. At this point I'm crying because I can't think anything but worst case scenario. Aidan, concerned that I was crying, held my face and said, "Mommy please don't cry, everything will be alright, I promise." No words for how much that melted my heart. After I calmed myself down enough to change clothes, we dropped Aidan off at a friend's house, and sped our way to the ER.
Once we got there, everyone was so nice. We were taken right away, thankfully. They explained they would take some blood to check out my hCG levels and give me an ultrasound. The doctor came in and took notes on what I was experiencing and told me that we would have to wait a bit for them to call someone in to do an ultrasound (apparently they don't work on weekends). After about an hour, a woman came to take me to do an ultrasound. They wouldn't let Casey come with me, which was hard on both of us. We were both so worried, and he was pretty much keeping me together. If I was going to get bad news, I would need him with me. But hospital policy outranked my wants, so off I went by myself.
The tech tried an abdominal scan first, and she was able to see there was a baby right away. She said she had a lot of measurements to take, but that there was a baby (she showed me on the screen) and there was a heartbeat (THANK GOD!). After that wave of relief I watched as she measured everything she could possibly measure. She measured the sac and the baby last, and they came back at 9 weeks 6 days, which is still within range of my 10 week 2 day GA based on my LMP. She measured the heart rate and it was 169, which is also good. She gave me two pictures of my little one to bring to Casey because she knew he was upset he couldn't witness the ultrasound:
In the top picture you can see the head at the right, and make out the eyes. In the picture on the bottom you see more of the whole baby with a head, belly, and four spots where his/her hands and feet are. It was such a relief to see my baby was doing OK. After the ultrasound, we waited another hour for the radiologist to give the go ahead to release me.
They have no idea where the bleeding is coming from. They released me with a diagnosis of a threatened miscarriage. It doesn't mean I'm definitely going to, and just because the baby looked OK, doesn't mean I'm not going to in the near future. So they told me to go home, rest, avoid any heavy lifting or strenuous exercise. My OB called while I was there and he was told everything that's going on. My hCG came back at 95,000 and that seems to be a good number for 10 weeks. I will probably have another draw on Monday or Tuesday, depending on what my Dr. wants to do. I feel a little better having seen the baby, but I'm still concerned about not knowing where the blood came from. It's not completely gone, but it has tapered off to just a brown spotting. Hopefully it just completely disappears. For now I'm just going to try and relax, and pray that I get some answers when I see my doctor. But I ask that everyone please keep baby bean in their thoughts and prayers. Hopefully this will be the only scare I have this time around.
Well, we've had our first official scare with this pregnancy. Earlier today, I went to the bathroom, and noticed the toilet water had turned red. It stayed bright red with about three wipes, and then turned brown. I spotted frequently with Aidan, but this was unlike anything I ever experienced with him. First, it was just bright red blood, and there was so much. Then when it turned brown, all I could think of was what happened last year's miscarriage (I spotted brown). I'd been having minor cramps on and off the last couple of days, so I was really starting to freak out. I walked into the living room, trying to find the words to tell my husband what was happening and I couldn't. Luckily for me, he knows me so well, he knew just by looking at my face. We called my OB's answering service and I told him what happened and he told me to go to the ER. At this point I'm crying because I can't think anything but worst case scenario. Aidan, concerned that I was crying, held my face and said, "Mommy please don't cry, everything will be alright, I promise." No words for how much that melted my heart. After I calmed myself down enough to change clothes, we dropped Aidan off at a friend's house, and sped our way to the ER.
Once we got there, everyone was so nice. We were taken right away, thankfully. They explained they would take some blood to check out my hCG levels and give me an ultrasound. The doctor came in and took notes on what I was experiencing and told me that we would have to wait a bit for them to call someone in to do an ultrasound (apparently they don't work on weekends). After about an hour, a woman came to take me to do an ultrasound. They wouldn't let Casey come with me, which was hard on both of us. We were both so worried, and he was pretty much keeping me together. If I was going to get bad news, I would need him with me. But hospital policy outranked my wants, so off I went by myself.
The tech tried an abdominal scan first, and she was able to see there was a baby right away. She said she had a lot of measurements to take, but that there was a baby (she showed me on the screen) and there was a heartbeat (THANK GOD!). After that wave of relief I watched as she measured everything she could possibly measure. She measured the sac and the baby last, and they came back at 9 weeks 6 days, which is still within range of my 10 week 2 day GA based on my LMP. She measured the heart rate and it was 169, which is also good. She gave me two pictures of my little one to bring to Casey because she knew he was upset he couldn't witness the ultrasound:
In the top picture you can see the head at the right, and make out the eyes. In the picture on the bottom you see more of the whole baby with a head, belly, and four spots where his/her hands and feet are. It was such a relief to see my baby was doing OK. After the ultrasound, we waited another hour for the radiologist to give the go ahead to release me.
They have no idea where the bleeding is coming from. They released me with a diagnosis of a threatened miscarriage. It doesn't mean I'm definitely going to, and just because the baby looked OK, doesn't mean I'm not going to in the near future. So they told me to go home, rest, avoid any heavy lifting or strenuous exercise. My OB called while I was there and he was told everything that's going on. My hCG came back at 95,000 and that seems to be a good number for 10 weeks. I will probably have another draw on Monday or Tuesday, depending on what my Dr. wants to do. I feel a little better having seen the baby, but I'm still concerned about not knowing where the blood came from. It's not completely gone, but it has tapered off to just a brown spotting. Hopefully it just completely disappears. For now I'm just going to try and relax, and pray that I get some answers when I see my doctor. But I ask that everyone please keep baby bean in their thoughts and prayers. Hopefully this will be the only scare I have this time around.
08 October 2011
9 Weeks!
I avoided writing any blog posts until after our first prenatal appointment. Not that anyone was missing much, since this pregnancy is already going much more smoothly than Aidan's did. My nausea is minimal, as opposed to all day, every day like I had with Aidan. I'm tired, but nothing I can't manage with a nap here and there. And the girls have grown to what I feel are massive proportions, which may be attractive to my husband, but it's just downright painful to me. Those are pretty much the only symptoms I have, so a tiny piece of me was worried that our appointment would not go as we were hoping.
But, good news, our appointment was wonderful! I was extremely nervous...it was like dejavu because this time last year I went to my first prenatal appointment and received bad news. Even the nurse who was taking my bp remarked on how fast my heart was going (sidenote: despite my nervousness, my BP was a phenomenal 110/70, so it looks like no PIH this time around!). My husband, however, happened to be extremely confident in the fact that I was still pregnant. He said, "Do you want me to prove to you that you are still pregnant? Let's go get pizza...buffalo chicken pizza..." On a normal non-pregnant day, I'd be all over it. For some reason though, this baby does not do pizza, not even of the buffalo chicken variety! Needless to say the suggestion turned my stomach and I got nauseous thinking about it. Even still, I was grateful he was able to put my mind at ease, if only for a few minutes.
Enter the doctor. He congratulated me on producing an egg all by myself (yay!). We went over what medications I'm still taking, and my past history. He did the physical exam and the whole nine yards, and then it was time for the ultrasound. I anxiously keep my eyes on the screen, and as soon as the wand was inserted, I could see a big black void with a blob. He readjusted the wand and there it was, my little jelly bean! He adjusted again and I could see his/her tiny heart flickering nice and fast. Here is a picture of my little bean:
Relief is not the word to describe that moment...more like complete and utter joy. I teared up a bit, thanking God that my little bean was doing great. After that I was on a high for the rest of the day. I think I called everyone I could think of to tell them we have a heartbeat! And amazingly, I am keeping my original due date of May 10th, because at 8w 6d, the actual baby was measuring 9 weeks even. I was worried that my irregular cycles would mean I'd have to push my due date back because I rarely if ever ovulate on CD 14. But luckily for me, I keep my due date and only have 3 more weeks left in my first trimester.
So everything went really well. I'm staying on the metformin until my next appointment on November 2, at which point they will start to wean me off. And I will be taking the synthroid throughout the entire pregnancy, which is good. Other than that I just need to relax, and try to curb my cravings for junk food. This baby LOVES potato skins! Until next time, here's a picture of the 9 week pudge. I wasn't this big with Aidan until about 13 weeks, but I guess that's what a healthy appetite and lack of nausea will do for you!
But, good news, our appointment was wonderful! I was extremely nervous...it was like dejavu because this time last year I went to my first prenatal appointment and received bad news. Even the nurse who was taking my bp remarked on how fast my heart was going (sidenote: despite my nervousness, my BP was a phenomenal 110/70, so it looks like no PIH this time around!). My husband, however, happened to be extremely confident in the fact that I was still pregnant. He said, "Do you want me to prove to you that you are still pregnant? Let's go get pizza...buffalo chicken pizza..." On a normal non-pregnant day, I'd be all over it. For some reason though, this baby does not do pizza, not even of the buffalo chicken variety! Needless to say the suggestion turned my stomach and I got nauseous thinking about it. Even still, I was grateful he was able to put my mind at ease, if only for a few minutes.
Enter the doctor. He congratulated me on producing an egg all by myself (yay!). We went over what medications I'm still taking, and my past history. He did the physical exam and the whole nine yards, and then it was time for the ultrasound. I anxiously keep my eyes on the screen, and as soon as the wand was inserted, I could see a big black void with a blob. He readjusted the wand and there it was, my little jelly bean! He adjusted again and I could see his/her tiny heart flickering nice and fast. Here is a picture of my little bean:
Relief is not the word to describe that moment...more like complete and utter joy. I teared up a bit, thanking God that my little bean was doing great. After that I was on a high for the rest of the day. I think I called everyone I could think of to tell them we have a heartbeat! And amazingly, I am keeping my original due date of May 10th, because at 8w 6d, the actual baby was measuring 9 weeks even. I was worried that my irregular cycles would mean I'd have to push my due date back because I rarely if ever ovulate on CD 14. But luckily for me, I keep my due date and only have 3 more weeks left in my first trimester.
So everything went really well. I'm staying on the metformin until my next appointment on November 2, at which point they will start to wean me off. And I will be taking the synthroid throughout the entire pregnancy, which is good. Other than that I just need to relax, and try to curb my cravings for junk food. This baby LOVES potato skins! Until next time, here's a picture of the 9 week pudge. I wasn't this big with Aidan until about 13 weeks, but I guess that's what a healthy appetite and lack of nausea will do for you!
08 September 2011
So far so good!
Well...I've been feeling pretty great! I'm still not sure how far along I am, but for now I'm going with the due date my OB's office gave me, which is May 10th. My first doctor's appointment is October 5th at 10:30 am, and they'll do an ultrasound to confirm a heartbeat. I'm trying not to think about it. There's a teeny part of me that's still a little scared, but for the most part I'm doing a good job of just staying relaxed.
Symptom-wise, I feel pretty good most days. There are days where I have no nausea at all and some where I'm nauseous on and off, days where I'm exhausted all day long and days where I'm fine. I've read it's normal to switch out symptoms this early on, so I'm trying not to stress out on the mornings I wake up and there's no nausea. And as much as I hate being nauseous and tires, I think I would be relieved to have consistent symptoms. I've also had some crampiness going on, but nothing severe. Every time I feel it, I just think "Grow baby, grow!"
I've been trying to talk to Aidan about it, but I don't think he quite understands. I ask him if he wants a brother or a sister and he tells me he wants both. Boy will he be disappointed! I think once I develop a baby bump, he might clue into what's going on. He saw Star's belly grow and he knows that's where Paxton came from, so we'll see if he makes the connection. I think he will be an excellent big brother. He does such a good job, using his imagination to play all on his own. But I see how he lights up when other kids come around and I can't wait for him to have a sibling.
So there's my update for now. Keep rainbow baby in your thoughts and prayers, and hopefully I will have fantastic news come October 5th!
Symptom-wise, I feel pretty good most days. There are days where I have no nausea at all and some where I'm nauseous on and off, days where I'm exhausted all day long and days where I'm fine. I've read it's normal to switch out symptoms this early on, so I'm trying not to stress out on the mornings I wake up and there's no nausea. And as much as I hate being nauseous and tires, I think I would be relieved to have consistent symptoms. I've also had some crampiness going on, but nothing severe. Every time I feel it, I just think "Grow baby, grow!"
I've been trying to talk to Aidan about it, but I don't think he quite understands. I ask him if he wants a brother or a sister and he tells me he wants both. Boy will he be disappointed! I think once I develop a baby bump, he might clue into what's going on. He saw Star's belly grow and he knows that's where Paxton came from, so we'll see if he makes the connection. I think he will be an excellent big brother. He does such a good job, using his imagination to play all on his own. But I see how he lights up when other kids come around and I can't wait for him to have a sibling.
So there's my update for now. Keep rainbow baby in your thoughts and prayers, and hopefully I will have fantastic news come October 5th!
31 August 2011
Can't believe this is real!
First, I would like to give a huge THANK YOU to everyone for giving us their congrats and well wishes!!
As you probably know, Aidan is going to be a big brother....we finally got our little rainbow baby! I'm not sure of the due date because we were actually on a two month TTC break. The plan was to stay on metformin until I had a cycle sometime in September, then get off of it and start clomid again. So at no point in time during these last two months did I chart my temps or use an OPK to detect ovulation. I had actually decided that it was important we not resume TTC this month because we needed to figure out what was going on with my thyroid.
Anyway, admittedly, I took two tests before. One yesterday and one the day before. I don't know why, but something was just telling me to test. I waited just long enough for the test line to appear, and when I saw there was no second line, I tossed them in the trash. Well this morning, I decided to use a more sensitive test. At first no lines appeared in the little window. Slowly the control line faded in and when it was almost fully pink, I saw a hint of a second line. I waited and waited and waited and grabbed my camera to take a pic just in case I was going crazy.
Then I called Casey. No answer. So I called my sister to geek out...I couldn't hold it in! Casey finally called me back and he was shocked. Like I said...we were on a break! He asked me if I was sure sure it was positive. Even though I told him yes, I couldn't help but pee on two more sticks, just to make sure....
So, there you have it. Sometime late April or early May we'll be adding to the family. I'm shocked, thrilled, excited and I'm not quite sure if it's set in yet. We've spent three years trying to make this happen, and I'm praying that this time goes much differently than last year.
As for my meds...I started the synthroid about a week ago and I feel great! Aside from the sore boobs, queasiness when my belly gets empty, and the fatigue, I feel...different. I think my moods have evened themselves out and I just have a general well-being feeling going on, whereas before I generally just felt crappy. It's safe to take during pregnancy, so I'm going to keep taking the synthroid as long as I feel like it's helping me.
Thank you all for your excitement and enthusiasm...I don't know what I would do without my fantastic support system of family and friends!
As you probably know, Aidan is going to be a big brother....we finally got our little rainbow baby! I'm not sure of the due date because we were actually on a two month TTC break. The plan was to stay on metformin until I had a cycle sometime in September, then get off of it and start clomid again. So at no point in time during these last two months did I chart my temps or use an OPK to detect ovulation. I had actually decided that it was important we not resume TTC this month because we needed to figure out what was going on with my thyroid.
Anyway, admittedly, I took two tests before. One yesterday and one the day before. I don't know why, but something was just telling me to test. I waited just long enough for the test line to appear, and when I saw there was no second line, I tossed them in the trash. Well this morning, I decided to use a more sensitive test. At first no lines appeared in the little window. Slowly the control line faded in and when it was almost fully pink, I saw a hint of a second line. I waited and waited and waited and grabbed my camera to take a pic just in case I was going crazy.
Then I called Casey. No answer. So I called my sister to geek out...I couldn't hold it in! Casey finally called me back and he was shocked. Like I said...we were on a break! He asked me if I was sure sure it was positive. Even though I told him yes, I couldn't help but pee on two more sticks, just to make sure....
So, there you have it. Sometime late April or early May we'll be adding to the family. I'm shocked, thrilled, excited and I'm not quite sure if it's set in yet. We've spent three years trying to make this happen, and I'm praying that this time goes much differently than last year.
As for my meds...I started the synthroid about a week ago and I feel great! Aside from the sore boobs, queasiness when my belly gets empty, and the fatigue, I feel...different. I think my moods have evened themselves out and I just have a general well-being feeling going on, whereas before I generally just felt crappy. It's safe to take during pregnancy, so I'm going to keep taking the synthroid as long as I feel like it's helping me.
Thank you all for your excitement and enthusiasm...I don't know what I would do without my fantastic support system of family and friends!
26 August 2011
Still no definitive answers...
I finally got a hold of my doctor today. I ended up going for my third blood draw in three weeks to check my thyroid levels and I was anxious to find out how they came back. She shocked me by saying they were "normal". She told me they came back at 5.60 which is lower than the 6.52 they were the first time. I told her that my OB went ahead and did his own labs, and he told me that the week in between those readings, my TSH was at 4.88 and he also considered them "normal". So let's recap: week one my levels were 6.52, week two they were 4.88, and week three they were back up to 5.60??? OK, I'm not a doctor, and I knew my readings were probably not all going to be the same number, but those three readings seem screwy to me. And the odds of having one fluke test I'll consider, but three flukes?? Nope I'm not buying that one.
Anyway, she then said she wanted to keep checking the levels periodically to see if something might be up, but I just cut her off. I told her I'd been reading up on hypothyroidism, and not only do I have a lot of the symptoms, but most of them are symptoms that I had no clue were something worthy of even complaining about (I'm not going to make a doctor's appointment for dry skin and changes in my hair!). I told her it's not like I can't live my life, but the majority of these things are annoying and I'm unhappy. I feel like crap all the time, I'm tired, I'm depressed, I feel gross with the way my body has changed, and I'm just frustrated with being told there's nothing wrong. I told her I want to start the synthroid just to see if it might help alleviate the symptoms. She said there was no harm in trying it, so she put in a scrip at the pharmacy for me. She also asked me to start keeping a log of how I'm feeling off the meds and continue it when I'm on them.
Now here's the kicker: She's PCSing come the second week in September (for you non-military folk, it means she's headed to her next duty station and won't be my doctor anymore). She admitted that there are a lot of doctors at the clinic who would strongly disagree with what she's doing, and told me point blank not to go back to my previous doctor because he will take me off the meds. She said that given my complaints and everything I've talked to her about, she really does think it's worth looking into and gave me the names of two other doctors at the clinic that share her view when it comes to thyroid problems. I'm bummed that she won't be able to follow through with me, but I'm grateful that she gave me the heads up and referred me to a couple of doctors who would actually try to figure this thing out.
So there it is. Nothing concrete, no for sure answers or solutions to my problem. But at least I have the chance to find out if this new medicine will make me feel normal. She told me to see my new doctor in one month (or sooner if I'm not feeling right) to discuss what may have changed and to have my levels taken again. So fingers crossed there are major changes between now and then.
Anyway, she then said she wanted to keep checking the levels periodically to see if something might be up, but I just cut her off. I told her I'd been reading up on hypothyroidism, and not only do I have a lot of the symptoms, but most of them are symptoms that I had no clue were something worthy of even complaining about (I'm not going to make a doctor's appointment for dry skin and changes in my hair!). I told her it's not like I can't live my life, but the majority of these things are annoying and I'm unhappy. I feel like crap all the time, I'm tired, I'm depressed, I feel gross with the way my body has changed, and I'm just frustrated with being told there's nothing wrong. I told her I want to start the synthroid just to see if it might help alleviate the symptoms. She said there was no harm in trying it, so she put in a scrip at the pharmacy for me. She also asked me to start keeping a log of how I'm feeling off the meds and continue it when I'm on them.
Now here's the kicker: She's PCSing come the second week in September (for you non-military folk, it means she's headed to her next duty station and won't be my doctor anymore). She admitted that there are a lot of doctors at the clinic who would strongly disagree with what she's doing, and told me point blank not to go back to my previous doctor because he will take me off the meds. She said that given my complaints and everything I've talked to her about, she really does think it's worth looking into and gave me the names of two other doctors at the clinic that share her view when it comes to thyroid problems. I'm bummed that she won't be able to follow through with me, but I'm grateful that she gave me the heads up and referred me to a couple of doctors who would actually try to figure this thing out.
So there it is. Nothing concrete, no for sure answers or solutions to my problem. But at least I have the chance to find out if this new medicine will make me feel normal. She told me to see my new doctor in one month (or sooner if I'm not feeling right) to discuss what may have changed and to have my levels taken again. So fingers crossed there are major changes between now and then.
12 August 2011
Decisions, decisions...
So...my OB called to give me the results of my labs. My A1C came back at 5.2, which I am more than thrilled about. But, my TSH came back at 4.88 which according to my doctor is within the normal range and does not need to be treated.
Now I'm slightly confused. My normal doctor feels that those levels are too high, but my OB disagrees. My normal doctor wants to treat hypothyroidism, and my OB seems to think I'm not. I have another blood draw on the 17th for my normal doctor. If it comes back within that 4.88 range, I know she's going to confirm the subclinical hypothyroidism diagnosis and want to start me on meds. But then what do I tell my OB?? I feel so awkward listening to one doctor and not the other.
My problem is that I have these symptoms that seem to fit hypothyroidism, and they make me miserable. As hard as it was for me to digest the fact that I may have hypothyroidism, after talking to Casey, I realized all the things I've been suffering from *might* be alleviated if I started on thyroid medication. So now, to hear that one of the doctors I trust feels I don't need it...I feel almost disappointed that I have no sure-fire solution on how to make me feel better.
I've tried researching what normal TSH levels are, and every article gives a different range. One article in particular say that some doctors say .3 to 5.0 is normal, while other feel .3 to 3.0 is normal. When I spoke to my regular doctor, she told me that someone like Dr. Conrad (my previous doctor) is more old school than she considers herself to be, and that doctors like him would probably not want to treat it. That being said, she definitely thinks a minimal dose could help alleviate my symptoms.
I hate being put in this position...I'm not a doctor, but I'm going to have to end up choosing which doctor's advice to follow. No matter what I do, I have to keep both doctors in the loop, and I don't want to feel like I have to defend my decision (which is what I know will end up happening once one of my doctors question why I am or am not taking meds).
If I had to be honest, right now my thinking is, I have all these symptoms that are making me miserable and I want to at least try the meds and see if they'll help. And now that I know what hypothyroidism can affect the development of a baby, I'm paranoid that if I get pregnant and don't take meds to regulate my thyroid, I'll be harming my baby. I don't want to have to argue with my OB (he's great and I don't want to switch doctors), but I really feel like something is wrong and I have to fix it. I will talk to my regular doctor and explain to her what my OB wants to do, talk about my symptoms and concerns, and go from there. But I'm pretty sure, if the TSH levels from the blood draw on the 17th come back elevated, I'll be trying the thyroid medication just to see if it'll change how I physically feel. I would just be so much more comfortable with this decision if BOTH of my doctors were in agreement. ::sigh::
Now I'm slightly confused. My normal doctor feels that those levels are too high, but my OB disagrees. My normal doctor wants to treat hypothyroidism, and my OB seems to think I'm not. I have another blood draw on the 17th for my normal doctor. If it comes back within that 4.88 range, I know she's going to confirm the subclinical hypothyroidism diagnosis and want to start me on meds. But then what do I tell my OB?? I feel so awkward listening to one doctor and not the other.
My problem is that I have these symptoms that seem to fit hypothyroidism, and they make me miserable. As hard as it was for me to digest the fact that I may have hypothyroidism, after talking to Casey, I realized all the things I've been suffering from *might* be alleviated if I started on thyroid medication. So now, to hear that one of the doctors I trust feels I don't need it...I feel almost disappointed that I have no sure-fire solution on how to make me feel better.
I've tried researching what normal TSH levels are, and every article gives a different range. One article in particular say that some doctors say .3 to 5.0 is normal, while other feel .3 to 3.0 is normal. When I spoke to my regular doctor, she told me that someone like Dr. Conrad (my previous doctor) is more old school than she considers herself to be, and that doctors like him would probably not want to treat it. That being said, she definitely thinks a minimal dose could help alleviate my symptoms.
I hate being put in this position...I'm not a doctor, but I'm going to have to end up choosing which doctor's advice to follow. No matter what I do, I have to keep both doctors in the loop, and I don't want to feel like I have to defend my decision (which is what I know will end up happening once one of my doctors question why I am or am not taking meds).
If I had to be honest, right now my thinking is, I have all these symptoms that are making me miserable and I want to at least try the meds and see if they'll help. And now that I know what hypothyroidism can affect the development of a baby, I'm paranoid that if I get pregnant and don't take meds to regulate my thyroid, I'll be harming my baby. I don't want to have to argue with my OB (he's great and I don't want to switch doctors), but I really feel like something is wrong and I have to fix it. I will talk to my regular doctor and explain to her what my OB wants to do, talk about my symptoms and concerns, and go from there. But I'm pretty sure, if the TSH levels from the blood draw on the 17th come back elevated, I'll be trying the thyroid medication just to see if it'll change how I physically feel. I would just be so much more comfortable with this decision if BOTH of my doctors were in agreement. ::sigh::
09 August 2011
Update
It's been a long time, but I've kind of enjoyed this break from TTC. I really needed to stop focusing on what my temps were every day, peeing on strips, and looking for signs of ovulation followed by obsessing over possible signs of pregnancy. July was pretty much all about relaxing and enjoying time with my son and my husband, and I think it went pretty well.
I did end up having a cycle that month. And this month I was supposed to start clomid again, but I decided against it. Last week I went in to see my regular doctor, and talk about my metformin use. It makes me so incredibly miserable. I felt like I was getting all of the side effects without any of the benefits. I'm still having a hard time losing weight, I'm tired ALL of the time (even if I sleep well), and I've been feeling a bit depressed. She commented on me being pale during that visit, so she decided to check my iron levels, and re-ran a test on my thyroid just to make sure nothing was up. Turns out, my iron was fine by my thyroid levels came back too low. She classified it as being subclinical hypothyroidism, and I will be going to re-check my levels on the 17th. Because of the possibility that I do have hypothyroidism, I decided to take another month off of trying to get pregnant. Reason being, I read that if you get pregnant and have untreated hypothyroidism, it can cause abnormalities and/or mental retardation in the baby. When the doctor asked why I didn't start clomid on this cycle, I explained my reasoning to him and he confirmed what I had read, saying it was a valid reason for not actively trying to conceive.
Also during this visit, I explained that last year my fasting sugar was below 90, but this year when we checked it, the test came back at 112, which is indicative of insulin resistance. So, he decided to go ahead and take some blood to test my A1C (to see how my sugar has been over the last three months) and my TSH levels to see exactly how low they are. If the hypothyroidism is confirmed, we will go ahead and treat it. If my A1C comes back above a 5.6, then we will switch me from metformin to another medication that will not treat the PCOS, but will treat the insulin resistance/pre-diabetes. I should know the results by Friday. After we find out the results we can go ahead and make plans to start up the clomid again.
So far I'm happy with this plan. I really want to know for sure if the hypothyroidism and the insulin resistance exist and should be treated, and then get that under control before we get pregnant so that I don't have another miscarriage or risk the baby developing any abnormalities. I'm hoping that once I get everything under control, I'll get pregnant relatively quickly and have a normal, healthy 9 months. We will see!
I did end up having a cycle that month. And this month I was supposed to start clomid again, but I decided against it. Last week I went in to see my regular doctor, and talk about my metformin use. It makes me so incredibly miserable. I felt like I was getting all of the side effects without any of the benefits. I'm still having a hard time losing weight, I'm tired ALL of the time (even if I sleep well), and I've been feeling a bit depressed. She commented on me being pale during that visit, so she decided to check my iron levels, and re-ran a test on my thyroid just to make sure nothing was up. Turns out, my iron was fine by my thyroid levels came back too low. She classified it as being subclinical hypothyroidism, and I will be going to re-check my levels on the 17th. Because of the possibility that I do have hypothyroidism, I decided to take another month off of trying to get pregnant. Reason being, I read that if you get pregnant and have untreated hypothyroidism, it can cause abnormalities and/or mental retardation in the baby. When the doctor asked why I didn't start clomid on this cycle, I explained my reasoning to him and he confirmed what I had read, saying it was a valid reason for not actively trying to conceive.
Also during this visit, I explained that last year my fasting sugar was below 90, but this year when we checked it, the test came back at 112, which is indicative of insulin resistance. So, he decided to go ahead and take some blood to test my A1C (to see how my sugar has been over the last three months) and my TSH levels to see exactly how low they are. If the hypothyroidism is confirmed, we will go ahead and treat it. If my A1C comes back above a 5.6, then we will switch me from metformin to another medication that will not treat the PCOS, but will treat the insulin resistance/pre-diabetes. I should know the results by Friday. After we find out the results we can go ahead and make plans to start up the clomid again.
So far I'm happy with this plan. I really want to know for sure if the hypothyroidism and the insulin resistance exist and should be treated, and then get that under control before we get pregnant so that I don't have another miscarriage or risk the baby developing any abnormalities. I'm hoping that once I get everything under control, I'll get pregnant relatively quickly and have a normal, healthy 9 months. We will see!
02 July 2011
I just need a break.
I've been slacking on the whole blog front lately. To recap, I was right and my temps falling clued me in to AF showing up. I was seriously optimistic about this cycle however...it was the third month using a clomid dose we knew to work, and third time's a charm right?? I kept track of everything, temps, OPKs, the whole 9 yards. I ovulated right before I left for NY and I was feeling good about how the whole month was going.
I get to NY, and after being there for a few days I start feeling nauseous. At first I was blaming the metformin because I tend to still have bad days while on the 750mg dose. But then it continued and after the 3rd day of being nauseous all day, every day AND having aversions to certain foods, I began to suspect I was pregnant. And the previous two cycles, 7dpo my boobs start to get sore, like clockwork. They stay that way until AF shows up. But this time, that didn't happen. To make matters worse, and push my hopes even higher, I recorded a luteal phase dip on what I thought was 10dpo. My boobs finally started hurting on 11dpo, and that REALLY convinced me this was real. I still hadn't seen any hint of a positive on the pregnancy tests I was taking, but I wasn't surprised if implantation was taking place at 10dpo instead of 6dpo. I thought it was only a matter of time before I saw two pink lines.
Then yesterday happened. I woke up with a BBT of 97.13 which is INSANELY low for me. I went back and looked at my entire luteal phase temps, and they look completely different than the last two months...there was no gentle falling off of the temps. I was confused...I thought maybe by chance more than one implantation?? But then again 97.13 was extremely low, even for a luteal phase dip. I thought maybe it was a fluke and decided to wait to see what today's temps brought my way.
This morning I woke up, and AF is here. WTF???? I don't get what happened. Why was this month so incredibly weird?? AND WHY THE HELL AM I STILL NAUSEOUS?!?!?! I'm beyond disappointed. I'm just so frustrated I could cry. I can't do this to myself for another month. I don't want to have to take my temperature, pee on anything, or set an alarm to take pills. I'm done, I just want a break.
I get to NY, and after being there for a few days I start feeling nauseous. At first I was blaming the metformin because I tend to still have bad days while on the 750mg dose. But then it continued and after the 3rd day of being nauseous all day, every day AND having aversions to certain foods, I began to suspect I was pregnant. And the previous two cycles, 7dpo my boobs start to get sore, like clockwork. They stay that way until AF shows up. But this time, that didn't happen. To make matters worse, and push my hopes even higher, I recorded a luteal phase dip on what I thought was 10dpo. My boobs finally started hurting on 11dpo, and that REALLY convinced me this was real. I still hadn't seen any hint of a positive on the pregnancy tests I was taking, but I wasn't surprised if implantation was taking place at 10dpo instead of 6dpo. I thought it was only a matter of time before I saw two pink lines.
Then yesterday happened. I woke up with a BBT of 97.13 which is INSANELY low for me. I went back and looked at my entire luteal phase temps, and they look completely different than the last two months...there was no gentle falling off of the temps. I was confused...I thought maybe by chance more than one implantation?? But then again 97.13 was extremely low, even for a luteal phase dip. I thought maybe it was a fluke and decided to wait to see what today's temps brought my way.
This morning I woke up, and AF is here. WTF???? I don't get what happened. Why was this month so incredibly weird?? AND WHY THE HELL AM I STILL NAUSEOUS?!?!?! I'm beyond disappointed. I'm just so frustrated I could cry. I can't do this to myself for another month. I don't want to have to take my temperature, pee on anything, or set an alarm to take pills. I'm done, I just want a break.
27 May 2011
Oy...
My temps are starting to fall. I had three straight days of 97.96 and then this morning it dropped to 97.82 degrees. For good measure I also POAS, and it came up negative. Even though I'm not sure exactly what day I ovulated, there should have been some kind of hint of a line by now. So, I'm probably out this month. A bit disappointing, especially after the initial let down of thinking the meds didn't work, and then the happy surprise of finding out that they did work. I'm not sure if I can do clomid again next month, just because you can only use it for a few cycles in a row. I'm also planning a trip to NY in June, so if the doc does want me to use it again, I'm going to have to look at the calendar and make sure I'll actually be home around about the time I should be ovulating. ::sigh::
23 May 2011
Little Update...
I called Dr. Mixson's office this morning and my progesterone came back at an 8, which isn't bad for being just a few days after ovulation. It probably peaked at 13 again, but I won't know because I couldn't take a 7dpo blood draw. I still don't know when exactly I ovulated, but I suspect it was on CD 18, which is at least earlier than last cycle. I will know for sure when AF shows up, if AF shows up.
So now we sit and wait...which isn't too hard because I'm enjoying my vacation time in Orlando right now. It should be the fastest two week wait ever! Honestly though, it's still hard to NOT POAS. I tested today, just for the hell of it, and BFN. No surprise there because even if I am preggers, it's way too early to show up on a test, especially given I'm not 100% sure about the day that I ovulated. I pretty much just did it to get it out of my system, and I'll be good probably until we get back home on Saturday (but no promises). I don't feel any symptoms as of right now (pregnancy or PMS related)...nothing is sore, no headaches, no nausea, nothing out of the ordinary at all. Maybe as this week comes to a close that will change, but for now, I'm just happy with knowing we had another shot this month.
So now we sit and wait...which isn't too hard because I'm enjoying my vacation time in Orlando right now. It should be the fastest two week wait ever! Honestly though, it's still hard to NOT POAS. I tested today, just for the hell of it, and BFN. No surprise there because even if I am preggers, it's way too early to show up on a test, especially given I'm not 100% sure about the day that I ovulated. I pretty much just did it to get it out of my system, and I'll be good probably until we get back home on Saturday (but no promises). I don't feel any symptoms as of right now (pregnancy or PMS related)...nothing is sore, no headaches, no nausea, nothing out of the ordinary at all. Maybe as this week comes to a close that will change, but for now, I'm just happy with knowing we had another shot this month.
19 May 2011
Even more hope...
So I was trying to find causes of erratic BBT. During my searching I found a couple of blurbs here and there about "slow rising" BBT after ovulation, something about the hormones being a bit slower to rise after ovulation, which causes a slower temp rise instead of a sharp one (like I had last month). Looking at my chart, that might be what happened to me this month. I can't find what causes it, the only things I've read say that it's normal for some women.
To recap, here's my chart from last cycle:
And this is my chart from this month:
Today was the first real rise in my temp that I saw. I'm hoping tomorrow it stays above the green cover line. If it does, then it may mean good news. I had my blood draw today, so I'll know eventually. However, the office closes early on Fridays, so I have to call at 11:30 and if they don't have my results, I will just have to try to remember to call while we're down in Orlando. Fingers crossed...
To recap, here's my chart from last cycle:
And this is my chart from this month:
Today was the first real rise in my temp that I saw. I'm hoping tomorrow it stays above the green cover line. If it does, then it may mean good news. I had my blood draw today, so I'll know eventually. However, the office closes early on Fridays, so I have to call at 11:30 and if they don't have my results, I will just have to try to remember to call while we're down in Orlando. Fingers crossed...
18 May 2011
A bit of hope??
I just got off the phone with my doctor. And he said it's entirely possible that I ovulated even though I didn't see a spike in my BBT. He even said that some endocrinologists don't use temperature readings because they can be inaccurate. He said he doesn't want to go off of my temperature readings because I did have the positive OPK. So I will go in for a blood draw tomorrow to check out my progesterone levels because he wants chemical proof that I didn't ovulate. If they're extremely low we will do yet another round of provera and try again. But for now, there is still a teeny bit of hope. I'm keeping everything crossed and sending many prayers out to get some good news, and I would appreciate any good vibes you readers send my way.
17 May 2011
Beyond frustrated
With all the different signs I've been monitoring, everything pointed to impending ovulation. I had my first positive (glaringly positive, just like last month) two days ago on Sunday. I took one in the early afternoon and one in the evening, and both were darker than the control line. Yesterday's early afternoon OPK was still positive...the line wasn't as dark as it had been, but it was most definitely still the same color as the control line. I didn't bother with the nightly test because I knew the fading test line meant my LH surge was ending. Yesterday my cervix was high, soft and open, and my CM was watery (just as it was the month before). And, I even had (what I thought was) ovulation pain in my left side over those two days. I swore up and down that this month was a success, just as last month was.
Apparently I was wrong. I woke up this morning and my BBT was higher than usual, but definitely not a spike that indicated ovulation. I had a good night's rest, and nothing was out of the ordinary. I don't get it...how could the rest of my body be signaling ovulation but my body never released the egg?!
I feel like this is a major set back. I'm unsure of what to do...I'm debating on calling my doctor and explaining this all to him to see what he thinks. I really just want some answers. Is the pain on my left side because of a cyst which prevented me from ovulating? Did my CM, cervix position, and OPK signal my body was ready for ovulation but I just didn't have any viable follicles?? I hate this...I was just starting to feel satisfied with the whole TTC process and now I feel like I'm right back at square one. Words can not express how incredibly frustrated I'm feeling.
Apparently I was wrong. I woke up this morning and my BBT was higher than usual, but definitely not a spike that indicated ovulation. I had a good night's rest, and nothing was out of the ordinary. I don't get it...how could the rest of my body be signaling ovulation but my body never released the egg?!
I feel like this is a major set back. I'm unsure of what to do...I'm debating on calling my doctor and explaining this all to him to see what he thinks. I really just want some answers. Is the pain on my left side because of a cyst which prevented me from ovulating? Did my CM, cervix position, and OPK signal my body was ready for ovulation but I just didn't have any viable follicles?? I hate this...I was just starting to feel satisfied with the whole TTC process and now I feel like I'm right back at square one. Words can not express how incredibly frustrated I'm feeling.
12 May 2011
healed
One of my best friends just had her baby boy. I was lucky enough to be there through most of her labor and the delivery. It was amazing and a little emotional because her husband is deployed. But it felt so good to meet her son and to hold a tiny little baby again after so long.
I figured this might be extremely difficult for me because our due dates were only one week apart. When we found out we were pregnant, we were so excited our babies would be born around the same time and we'd get to be pregnant together. And then I had the miscarriage, and that was it. I didn't know how I would handle having such a close friend going through a pregnancy, doing all of the things I was supposed to be doing, watching her belly grow while mine stayed empty. I really hoped I wouldn't feel the way I thought I would because she is such a great friend and I didn't want to lose that. I won't lie and say there weren't times I would look at her and wonder if my belly would be that big and silently smile my way through a pang of sadness. But it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Even still, I was unsure of how I would react to her delivery and the baby being here. I thought that might be where'd I'd fall apart all over again. I've only just recently begun feeling OK about NOT being pregnant (most of the time). I had my bad days, and I'd get all upset with the reminder of what should have been every time I got a sample of formula in the mail, or a notice for chord blood banking. So, I honestly was afraid I'd be slung right back into a depression after she had her baby.
But then the most surreal thing happened. Getting ready to wrap up a deployment, she was diagnosed with preeclampsia. She was alone here being told she may have to deliver her baby in a way she hadn't planned on. The only thing I could focus on was making sure she didn't feel alone. I can only imagine how hard it is to just want your husband by your side, and knowing you can't do anything about it. She held it together though and didn't cry the way I thought I might have. And after hours of labor, when her little boy finally came, all I could feel was excitement. She was a mommy now, and he is a beautiful little boy. I held him and fed him, and marveled over how tiny he was and how much his face reminded me of his daddy. There was no thinking about me or "this is what I was supposed to be doing" at all...until today.
Today is when it finally hit me, how close I would have been to having a new little addition to our family. And I don't feel the way I thought I would feel. It's sad, yes, but I don't feel the need to cry or feel as depressed as I was before. I think I've finally accepted it. It was an awful experience that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. When I was trying to work through it, I wasn't sure I'd ever fully heal or be OK with what happened. And I didn't think I'd ever stop feeling so alone in my grief. I thought it would be a bit more bittersweet than this, that I would be more upset especially after having held a baby that isn't my own. But there's just sweetness, no bitterness...a touch of sadness, yes of course, but mostly just happy that there is a new baby and that my close friend gets to experience the kind of love you can only feel when you're a mom. For the first time in a long time, even with being reminded of what should have been, I am OK. Better than that, I am healed.
I figured this might be extremely difficult for me because our due dates were only one week apart. When we found out we were pregnant, we were so excited our babies would be born around the same time and we'd get to be pregnant together. And then I had the miscarriage, and that was it. I didn't know how I would handle having such a close friend going through a pregnancy, doing all of the things I was supposed to be doing, watching her belly grow while mine stayed empty. I really hoped I wouldn't feel the way I thought I would because she is such a great friend and I didn't want to lose that. I won't lie and say there weren't times I would look at her and wonder if my belly would be that big and silently smile my way through a pang of sadness. But it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Even still, I was unsure of how I would react to her delivery and the baby being here. I thought that might be where'd I'd fall apart all over again. I've only just recently begun feeling OK about NOT being pregnant (most of the time). I had my bad days, and I'd get all upset with the reminder of what should have been every time I got a sample of formula in the mail, or a notice for chord blood banking. So, I honestly was afraid I'd be slung right back into a depression after she had her baby.
But then the most surreal thing happened. Getting ready to wrap up a deployment, she was diagnosed with preeclampsia. She was alone here being told she may have to deliver her baby in a way she hadn't planned on. The only thing I could focus on was making sure she didn't feel alone. I can only imagine how hard it is to just want your husband by your side, and knowing you can't do anything about it. She held it together though and didn't cry the way I thought I might have. And after hours of labor, when her little boy finally came, all I could feel was excitement. She was a mommy now, and he is a beautiful little boy. I held him and fed him, and marveled over how tiny he was and how much his face reminded me of his daddy. There was no thinking about me or "this is what I was supposed to be doing" at all...until today.
Today is when it finally hit me, how close I would have been to having a new little addition to our family. And I don't feel the way I thought I would feel. It's sad, yes, but I don't feel the need to cry or feel as depressed as I was before. I think I've finally accepted it. It was an awful experience that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. When I was trying to work through it, I wasn't sure I'd ever fully heal or be OK with what happened. And I didn't think I'd ever stop feeling so alone in my grief. I thought it would be a bit more bittersweet than this, that I would be more upset especially after having held a baby that isn't my own. But there's just sweetness, no bitterness...a touch of sadness, yes of course, but mostly just happy that there is a new baby and that my close friend gets to experience the kind of love you can only feel when you're a mom. For the first time in a long time, even with being reminded of what should have been, I am OK. Better than that, I am healed.
27 April 2011
It's Official...
I am out this month. For the fourth day in a row, my BBT has dropped. For those who are not BBT savvy, BBT (basal body temperature) is when you take your temperature with a special thermometer (reads out two decimal places instead of just one for a more accurate reading) first thing in the morning at the same time every morning. So for the last 30-ish days (I didn't make the decision to do it until after my cycle started), I've been waking up with Casey's alarm, taking my temperature, and then plotting those temps on a chart.
Ideally, through the first part of your cycle, your temp stays low (for me it was in the 96.7-ish range), dips slightly the day of ovulation, and then spikes way up the day after. On the second part of your cycle (the luteal phase after ovulation), your temperature stays high (for me it was in the 97.8 range). This two part cycle is a biphasic chart, and can help you pin point when ovulation happens. Because it only confirms ovulation after it's already happen, I was pairing this method with other things like tracking my CM (cervical mucus) and using OPKs (ovulation predictor kits).
Here is what my chart looks like for this month:
You can see the biphasic part I'm talking about. Not entirely sure why I had two really high readings in the first part of my cycle, but aside from those readings, that's what a biphasic chart looks like.
Now that you know the basics and have seen the chart, the reason I am out is because on a normal biphasic chart, your temperature will start to decline about 5-6 days out from AF showing up. If you are pregnant, they stay nice and high. Today I had my lowest reading yet (97.66) and I'm now convinced AF is lurking. It's OK though, I don't consider this month a total bust. We finally found a formula that works for me. And now that I'm more comfortable charting BBT, CM and using OPKs, we'll have a much better chance at getting our little rainbow baby.
Ideally, through the first part of your cycle, your temp stays low (for me it was in the 96.7-ish range), dips slightly the day of ovulation, and then spikes way up the day after. On the second part of your cycle (the luteal phase after ovulation), your temperature stays high (for me it was in the 97.8 range). This two part cycle is a biphasic chart, and can help you pin point when ovulation happens. Because it only confirms ovulation after it's already happen, I was pairing this method with other things like tracking my CM (cervical mucus) and using OPKs (ovulation predictor kits).
Here is what my chart looks like for this month:
You can see the biphasic part I'm talking about. Not entirely sure why I had two really high readings in the first part of my cycle, but aside from those readings, that's what a biphasic chart looks like.
Now that you know the basics and have seen the chart, the reason I am out is because on a normal biphasic chart, your temperature will start to decline about 5-6 days out from AF showing up. If you are pregnant, they stay nice and high. Today I had my lowest reading yet (97.66) and I'm now convinced AF is lurking. It's OK though, I don't consider this month a total bust. We finally found a formula that works for me. And now that I'm more comfortable charting BBT, CM and using OPKs, we'll have a much better chance at getting our little rainbow baby.
22 April 2011
Finally, good news!!!!
Yesterday I went for my blood draw to see if I had ovulated like I thought I did. While there, the nurse was explaining to me that my levels should be around 10, that if they came back at like 12, then it would be great, but if they came back at 3, it would not be good. She promised to call me as soon as she got the results in.
So, I get back from taking Aidan to the doctor and going grocery shopping, and I see the message light blinking. I got excited thinking it was probably the nurse calling me back with results...and then got super nervous because I knew if she told me a low number I'd be ridiculously upset. So I played the message, and it turns out my progesterone levels came back at 13.3! Words can't describe how happy I am! This month was FINALLY a success!!!! I mean I know it doesn't mean I'm pregnant, but at least we had a normal chance, which is more than I can say for the past few months.
Now, I wait. Dr. Mixson will most likely call me later today or tomorrow and explain a little more about what the number 13 means. If it turns out I'm not pregnant, I won't be too bummed. At least now we have a formula that seems to work, and I will continue to chart my temps and keep track of all the things I've been keeping track of so that I know for sure when the best time to BD is. We've got Disney coming up next month, and I know I'd probably have more fun if I wasn't in my first trimester and battling morning sickness. It would also mean that there's a chance we might not be able to make our trip to Louisiana for Christmas, since I'd be about 38 weeks at that point. So, like I said, if AF shows up around my birthday, it might be for the better.
BUT, I certainly will not be disappointed if I do end up pregnant! Starting tomorrow I will be taking test after test (I have a pack of 50 so no worries)...there's no way I'm going to be able to wait until my birthday to take my first test, I just don't have that kind of will power. So fingers crossed, I might be seeing two lines in the near future. And even if I don't, I still consider this month a huge success!
So, I get back from taking Aidan to the doctor and going grocery shopping, and I see the message light blinking. I got excited thinking it was probably the nurse calling me back with results...and then got super nervous because I knew if she told me a low number I'd be ridiculously upset. So I played the message, and it turns out my progesterone levels came back at 13.3! Words can't describe how happy I am! This month was FINALLY a success!!!! I mean I know it doesn't mean I'm pregnant, but at least we had a normal chance, which is more than I can say for the past few months.
Now, I wait. Dr. Mixson will most likely call me later today or tomorrow and explain a little more about what the number 13 means. If it turns out I'm not pregnant, I won't be too bummed. At least now we have a formula that seems to work, and I will continue to chart my temps and keep track of all the things I've been keeping track of so that I know for sure when the best time to BD is. We've got Disney coming up next month, and I know I'd probably have more fun if I wasn't in my first trimester and battling morning sickness. It would also mean that there's a chance we might not be able to make our trip to Louisiana for Christmas, since I'd be about 38 weeks at that point. So, like I said, if AF shows up around my birthday, it might be for the better.
BUT, I certainly will not be disappointed if I do end up pregnant! Starting tomorrow I will be taking test after test (I have a pack of 50 so no worries)...there's no way I'm going to be able to wait until my birthday to take my first test, I just don't have that kind of will power. So fingers crossed, I might be seeing two lines in the near future. And even if I don't, I still consider this month a huge success!
14 April 2011
High Hopes...
WARNING: The contents of this particular post contain some serious TMI info. If you have a penis or are easily grossed out, you should probably skip to the last paragraph. You have been warned!
So today is CD 19. This whole cycle I've been keeping track of my BBT (basal body temperature, and yes that's different from the normal 98.6 degrees you usually run while awake), my CM (cervical mucus...see? told you, TMI!), cervix texture and position, and using OPK tests (ovulation predictor kits....basically a little strip you pee on which will tell you when you are about to ovulate). And up until yesterday all of this monitoring was not looking promising. On Monday, my OPK was so faint, I had just about given up for the month. I let Tuesday go by without doing anything but taking my BBT in the morning.
Well yesterday, I was laying in bed trying to get rid of the last of my ridiculously long lasting headache, and I noticed I was feeling pain in my right side. I had been kind of crampy Tuesday and Wednesday, but my body is so effed up, I ignored it. I thought, well maybe I AM ovulating late (clomid can delay ovulation). I wondered if the batch of ovulation test strips I bought were just junk. I remembered that I had an Answer brand ovulation kit still under the sink. So I got up, peed in a cup, and used both the Answer brand test and the regular strips I had been using to see if there was a difference in the two. The end result was this:
It looked good! Last month, when I didn't ovulate at all, all month long I had these consistent two lines that never really varied much from each other. But this was seriously different that my past experiences using OPKs. So I hopped in the shower and checked my CM and cervix position. Low and behold, the CM was slightly stretchy and my cervix was high and slightly open. I felt a small spark of hope start up in the back of my mind. Maybe I'm not out this month after all?
Well, today, I did an OPK test in the morning at 11:30 to see if there was a change. I wasn't expecting one, but this is what I saw:
NOW I know what an obviously positive OPK looks like. For the first time ever, I was able to look at the test and know without a doubt, it was positive. I've never had a test line (the left line) look so dark. And in person both lines were darker than the control line on both tests. For the first time in a long time I am actually hopeful that the clomid/metformin combo worked. I won't be sure until I see a spike in my BBT, but that doesn't happen until after ovulation, so I shouldn't see that until tomorrow or Saturday.
I know these aren't usually the kind of pink lines that women get all emotional over. But this entire TTC journey has been an emotional roller coaster for me: getting my hopes way high, only to have reality crashing down on me. And even if you don't understand it, just look at it this way: My body hasn't released an egg since I got pregnant in September. Which means that up until now, we've realistically had zero chance of even conceiving another child. For me, knowing that and having to deal with it...you can't help but be depressed and disheartened by it.
But this...this is what I've been waiting for, to know that we have a real chance at having another baby. And I know it's not the two pink lines I've been dreaming of, but it's definitely the first step in getting there.
So today is CD 19. This whole cycle I've been keeping track of my BBT (basal body temperature, and yes that's different from the normal 98.6 degrees you usually run while awake), my CM (cervical mucus...see? told you, TMI!), cervix texture and position, and using OPK tests (ovulation predictor kits....basically a little strip you pee on which will tell you when you are about to ovulate). And up until yesterday all of this monitoring was not looking promising. On Monday, my OPK was so faint, I had just about given up for the month. I let Tuesday go by without doing anything but taking my BBT in the morning.
Well yesterday, I was laying in bed trying to get rid of the last of my ridiculously long lasting headache, and I noticed I was feeling pain in my right side. I had been kind of crampy Tuesday and Wednesday, but my body is so effed up, I ignored it. I thought, well maybe I AM ovulating late (clomid can delay ovulation). I wondered if the batch of ovulation test strips I bought were just junk. I remembered that I had an Answer brand ovulation kit still under the sink. So I got up, peed in a cup, and used both the Answer brand test and the regular strips I had been using to see if there was a difference in the two. The end result was this:
It looked good! Last month, when I didn't ovulate at all, all month long I had these consistent two lines that never really varied much from each other. But this was seriously different that my past experiences using OPKs. So I hopped in the shower and checked my CM and cervix position. Low and behold, the CM was slightly stretchy and my cervix was high and slightly open. I felt a small spark of hope start up in the back of my mind. Maybe I'm not out this month after all?
Well, today, I did an OPK test in the morning at 11:30 to see if there was a change. I wasn't expecting one, but this is what I saw:
NOW I know what an obviously positive OPK looks like. For the first time ever, I was able to look at the test and know without a doubt, it was positive. I've never had a test line (the left line) look so dark. And in person both lines were darker than the control line on both tests. For the first time in a long time I am actually hopeful that the clomid/metformin combo worked. I won't be sure until I see a spike in my BBT, but that doesn't happen until after ovulation, so I shouldn't see that until tomorrow or Saturday.
I know these aren't usually the kind of pink lines that women get all emotional over. But this entire TTC journey has been an emotional roller coaster for me: getting my hopes way high, only to have reality crashing down on me. And even if you don't understand it, just look at it this way: My body hasn't released an egg since I got pregnant in September. Which means that up until now, we've realistically had zero chance of even conceiving another child. For me, knowing that and having to deal with it...you can't help but be depressed and disheartened by it.
But this...this is what I've been waiting for, to know that we have a real chance at having another baby. And I know it's not the two pink lines I've been dreaming of, but it's definitely the first step in getting there.
10 April 2011
Nothing new at all
So April is here....no idea where March has gone! Although I've been super busy in the last month, there's nothing new to report. I started back on metformin a couple of weeks ago, but I'm not sure if it's done anything for me. Our third round of clomid was just finished last week, so we're playing the wait and see game. I've been REALLY good about charting my BBT, so hopefully that gives me some kind of clue. I'll go in for a blood draw on Friday and should know the results by Monday evening, but I'm not even sweating it. I told Casey yesterday, I feel like I'm almost just giving up. He doesn't see it like that...he sees it more like taking a step back. Either way is fine with me. I'm just tired of stressing it.
Aidan has been amazing in the last month. His speech has exploded and he continues to amaze me each day with new funny sayings or questions. He's definitely not a baby anymore! We're prepping him for our trip to Disney next month, so every time we go out he says, "I want to go to Disney!". It's really cute. I know he enjoyed it last year, but to see how much he's grown, I really think it's going to blow his mind this time around.
Speaking of Disney, I am giddy just thinking about it. I'm more excited about going to Disney than I am about my own birthday at the end of the month. I don't normally feel this way, but I can't wait until April is over! Also happening in the near future are some outdoor projects. I love our house, but there's so much work that needs to be done outside. I want to be as proud of the outside as I am of the inside. Now we'll finally have the time to get it all done (I love shore duty).
So there it is. Nothing much going on now, but a couple of great things planned for this month and next!
Aidan has been amazing in the last month. His speech has exploded and he continues to amaze me each day with new funny sayings or questions. He's definitely not a baby anymore! We're prepping him for our trip to Disney next month, so every time we go out he says, "I want to go to Disney!". It's really cute. I know he enjoyed it last year, but to see how much he's grown, I really think it's going to blow his mind this time around.
Speaking of Disney, I am giddy just thinking about it. I'm more excited about going to Disney than I am about my own birthday at the end of the month. I don't normally feel this way, but I can't wait until April is over! Also happening in the near future are some outdoor projects. I love our house, but there's so much work that needs to be done outside. I want to be as proud of the outside as I am of the inside. Now we'll finally have the time to get it all done (I love shore duty).
So there it is. Nothing much going on now, but a couple of great things planned for this month and next!
30 March 2011
And again...
Tomorrow we start our third round of Clomid. This time I'm on Metformin...I haven't noticed a difference in using the Metformin as of yet. I've been on it for a little over a week, and I haven't lost any weight. I'm not sure if that's because the Metformin won't be enough to cancel out the weight gain side effects from the Provera, or if my lack of going to the gym and eating out with my family and devouring all the yummy food my grandmother has been fixing for me. I'm thinking it's most likely the latter....
Anyway, I'm kind of zen about this whole thing. I think the baby fever has subsided. Don't get me wrong I still want a baby in the worst kind of way. I'm all out of emotional energy. I think I've just finally reached that point where I feel like it'll happen whenever it happens. Whatever it is, I definitely don't have the anxiety or the excitement I had before I started the last two attempts.
Also during this attempt, I'll be charting my BBT. I have the alarm set on my phone for 6:30 every morning, in case I don't hear Casey wake up in the morning. I've been pretty good so far, taking it when I'm still half asleep. The OPKs were a disaster...way too hard for me to read. At least with the BBT, if I'm consistent, I'll be able to see if I ovulate, and pinpoint the day since Clomid can delay ovulation. So we'll see how it works out. I know one thing is for sure...I'm a lot happier now than I have been in the last month. Maybe resigning myself to just letting go and trusting it'll happen when it's supposed to. I don't know why I felt like I was on a "deadline" before, but the pressure is off now. Maybe it's a sign. Who knows? Only time will tell.
Anyway, I'm kind of zen about this whole thing. I think the baby fever has subsided. Don't get me wrong I still want a baby in the worst kind of way. I'm all out of emotional energy. I think I've just finally reached that point where I feel like it'll happen whenever it happens. Whatever it is, I definitely don't have the anxiety or the excitement I had before I started the last two attempts.
Also during this attempt, I'll be charting my BBT. I have the alarm set on my phone for 6:30 every morning, in case I don't hear Casey wake up in the morning. I've been pretty good so far, taking it when I'm still half asleep. The OPKs were a disaster...way too hard for me to read. At least with the BBT, if I'm consistent, I'll be able to see if I ovulate, and pinpoint the day since Clomid can delay ovulation. So we'll see how it works out. I know one thing is for sure...I'm a lot happier now than I have been in the last month. Maybe resigning myself to just letting go and trusting it'll happen when it's supposed to. I don't know why I felt like I was on a "deadline" before, but the pressure is off now. Maybe it's a sign. Who knows? Only time will tell.
20 March 2011
Sixteen Days...
That's how long it's been I last wrote a blog. Well, I wish I had lots to say, but I haven't done much. This last week has been a bit hectic. Last weekend we went to Louisiana for a quick trip. I love my in-laws, but I think in the future we'll be staying for more than 2 days after spending 12 hours in a car! I'm glad that we got to see everyone though, and more than happy that Aidan's grand parents were able to see him right before his birthday.
The day after we returned home, my mom flew in. The day after that, we took a 6 hour trip to Ft. Laurderdale. Needless to say I'm tired of looking at the inside of my car! But again, we got to see family that I don't see all that often, and it was worth the trip. And, even better, they'll be coming up for Aidan's birthday party this Saturday as well.
Speaking of my little man...we've been battling the allergies from hell. My poor baby...his eyes get all swollen, he rubs his face non-stop, sneezes, and has so much fluid in his head he's developed a cough. We're treating it with benadryl for now, but I've just noticed he's starting to develop a rash in random places on his body, so I need to take him back to the doctor. I wish more than anything we could figure out how to make it all better for him, but so far we've had no luck. The benadryl has worked better than anything else we tried, but it's still just not quite making him feel 100%. Please pray we find something soon, I don't want him to be miserable for the rest of the spring season.
On a completely different front, I finished up my third round of provera. I delayed starting it because I didn't want AF to show up while I was traveling. Also, tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment to check my blood sugar levels since I don't trust anything my previous doctor had to say. In addition, I'm going to see if I can get back on metformin. I've gained SO much weight from the provera and the clomid, and my PCOS symptoms are absolutely out of control. I know it makes me feel crappy, but I was at least able to keep my weight and symptoms under control. Being this heavy, I know it's only hurting my chances of getting pregnant. So I'm going to suck it up for as long as it takes, and deal with the stomach problems and frequent headaches. Maybe if I go into it with the mindset that I refuse to let the symptoms get me down, they won't be so bad. Mind over matter, right? I'm not totally convinced, but I'm going to try it out anyway.
Wish me luck.
The day after we returned home, my mom flew in. The day after that, we took a 6 hour trip to Ft. Laurderdale. Needless to say I'm tired of looking at the inside of my car! But again, we got to see family that I don't see all that often, and it was worth the trip. And, even better, they'll be coming up for Aidan's birthday party this Saturday as well.
Speaking of my little man...we've been battling the allergies from hell. My poor baby...his eyes get all swollen, he rubs his face non-stop, sneezes, and has so much fluid in his head he's developed a cough. We're treating it with benadryl for now, but I've just noticed he's starting to develop a rash in random places on his body, so I need to take him back to the doctor. I wish more than anything we could figure out how to make it all better for him, but so far we've had no luck. The benadryl has worked better than anything else we tried, but it's still just not quite making him feel 100%. Please pray we find something soon, I don't want him to be miserable for the rest of the spring season.
On a completely different front, I finished up my third round of provera. I delayed starting it because I didn't want AF to show up while I was traveling. Also, tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment to check my blood sugar levels since I don't trust anything my previous doctor had to say. In addition, I'm going to see if I can get back on metformin. I've gained SO much weight from the provera and the clomid, and my PCOS symptoms are absolutely out of control. I know it makes me feel crappy, but I was at least able to keep my weight and symptoms under control. Being this heavy, I know it's only hurting my chances of getting pregnant. So I'm going to suck it up for as long as it takes, and deal with the stomach problems and frequent headaches. Maybe if I go into it with the mindset that I refuse to let the symptoms get me down, they won't be so bad. Mind over matter, right? I'm not totally convinced, but I'm going to try it out anyway.
Wish me luck.
04 March 2011
Realizations
My intuition was right on target. Despite seeing more than one positive OPK, I did not ovulate this cycle. Although that was the news I was expecting, it's still hard...I knew the phone call was coming, and yet I still had that familiar lump in my throat. It wasn't until Casey got back from the supermarket and I had to repeat the information to him that the tears started falling.
We had a long discussion about the next step and how I was feeling. And I came to realize a few things that maybe I had been denying to myself. First: this process is depressing me. It's not fun, and it's definitely not the experience creating a baby should be. I want my baby to be created out of love, not frustration. Part of it stems from me feeling like I'm alone in this process. As hard as my husband tries (and I know he does try) he can't wrap his head around my feelings. Second: although I can rationally tell myself that I'm doing everything I can and it's out of my control, I don't feel that way. I'm still placing blame on me and my body, and quite frankly, I'm just angry with the entire situation. Third (and this is incredibly hard for me to admit): when we lost the baby, my husband and my doctor expected me to fall to pieces, but I didn't because I thought TTCing would make me feel better. I put all of my energy into planning on trying again and convinced myself Clomid was the answer, I'd get pregnant right away and I'd just feel better. Now, the only fix I had for dealing with what happened in October is making me feel worse than it is better. Casey says I have to let it go and stop feeling guilty but I just don't know how.
So....although I've come to these realizations, I'm not sure where to go from here. I do know I need to back away from a couple of things and work a little harder on getting myself together before my funk evolves into a full blown depression.
We had a long discussion about the next step and how I was feeling. And I came to realize a few things that maybe I had been denying to myself. First: this process is depressing me. It's not fun, and it's definitely not the experience creating a baby should be. I want my baby to be created out of love, not frustration. Part of it stems from me feeling like I'm alone in this process. As hard as my husband tries (and I know he does try) he can't wrap his head around my feelings. Second: although I can rationally tell myself that I'm doing everything I can and it's out of my control, I don't feel that way. I'm still placing blame on me and my body, and quite frankly, I'm just angry with the entire situation. Third (and this is incredibly hard for me to admit): when we lost the baby, my husband and my doctor expected me to fall to pieces, but I didn't because I thought TTCing would make me feel better. I put all of my energy into planning on trying again and convinced myself Clomid was the answer, I'd get pregnant right away and I'd just feel better. Now, the only fix I had for dealing with what happened in October is making me feel worse than it is better. Casey says I have to let it go and stop feeling guilty but I just don't know how.
So....although I've come to these realizations, I'm not sure where to go from here. I do know I need to back away from a couple of things and work a little harder on getting myself together before my funk evolves into a full blown depression.
03 March 2011
CD 21 Blood Draw
So today is CD 21. I went to the doctor's office right after I dropped Aidan off at school. I brought along the paper I glued all my OPKs to, just to get a second opinion from the nurses. Unfortunately none of them know much about OPKs and suggested to me that I start charting my temp instead of using the OPKs. I think that's what I'm going to start doing. Those little strips with the two lines of varying shades have been driving me bonkers. I think my main problem is I stare at them for much too long. I told the nurses I was pretty sure I didn't ovulate...it's just my intuition. They told me not to count myself out and to stay optimistic until they call me with the results (most likely Monday). Easier said than done....
Anyway, I left there even more depressed than I have been in a while. Generally I get bummed out being in that office anyway...it just reminds me of that day. But I guess my hormones are in overdrive, because when they put me in the same room I was in when they told me the worst news of my life, I honestly thought I was going to cry. Everything hit me all at once...the smell of the room, the big framed picture of an infant's clasped hands that read "We thank God for Dr. Mixson", the picture film that covers the fluorescent light, and the sight of the stool where my husband anxiously sat waiting for me to change into a gown. It was like emotional overload for me. I held it together, but I won't lie, I hated being in that room.
So, that's it. All I have to do is try to forget everything until Monday. Everything that could be done this month, has been done. If this doesn't work though, I'm feeling like a I'm going to have to take a break from the Clomid and start on Metformin so that we can try a combination of both. Here's why:
"It is important to remember that 70 -80% of patients who will respond to Clomid will ovulate on the 50 - 100 mg dosage and of those who get pregnant 80 - 90% will do so within 3 - 4 ovulatory cycles.
That's as good an answer to all the questions I have as any. If the 100mg dose fails, I will obviously not fall into the 70-80% of women. I know it's not even certain if I have to worry about it yet, but I'm a worst case scenario type of person. No harm in planning ahead, right?
Anyway, I left there even more depressed than I have been in a while. Generally I get bummed out being in that office anyway...it just reminds me of that day. But I guess my hormones are in overdrive, because when they put me in the same room I was in when they told me the worst news of my life, I honestly thought I was going to cry. Everything hit me all at once...the smell of the room, the big framed picture of an infant's clasped hands that read "We thank God for Dr. Mixson", the picture film that covers the fluorescent light, and the sight of the stool where my husband anxiously sat waiting for me to change into a gown. It was like emotional overload for me. I held it together, but I won't lie, I hated being in that room.
So, that's it. All I have to do is try to forget everything until Monday. Everything that could be done this month, has been done. If this doesn't work though, I'm feeling like a I'm going to have to take a break from the Clomid and start on Metformin so that we can try a combination of both. Here's why:
"It is important to remember that 70 -80% of patients who will respond to Clomid will ovulate on the 50 - 100 mg dosage and of those who get pregnant 80 - 90% will do so within 3 - 4 ovulatory cycles.
What to do about Clomiphene failures? When clomiphene fails, it is extremely important to distinguish between ovulation and conception failure
Clomid Ovulation Failure: This is arbitrary defined as failure to ovulate on doses of 150 mg / day for 5 days (even though 10 - 20% of patients can ovulate on higher dosages, it is important to re-evaluate the patient at this stage. Clomiphene is also approved by the FDA for a maximum dose of 750 mg / cycle.)
a)Clomid doses can be increased to a maximum of 250 mg / day for five days or consider increasing the duration (100 mg / day for 8 days).
b) Clomid does not work well in extremely obese patients (> 200 lbs or BMI > 30).These patients usually have insulin resistance and those patients should be highly encouraged to lose weight before induction of ovulation. Insulin sensitizing agents such as Metformin (Glucophage) should be the primary treatment. Metformin can be started at the dose of 500 mg / day for one week, increased to 500 mg p.o., b.i.d. for the next week, and maintained at 500 mg p.o. t.i.d. from the third week onwards.
b) Clomid does not work well in extremely obese patients (> 200 lbs or BMI > 30).These patients usually have insulin resistance and those patients should be highly encouraged to lose weight before induction of ovulation. Insulin sensitizing agents such as Metformin (Glucophage) should be the primary treatment. Metformin can be started at the dose of 500 mg / day for one week, increased to 500 mg p.o., b.i.d. for the next week, and maintained at 500 mg p.o. t.i.d. from the third week onwards.
Patients should be placed on a BBT chart while on Metformin therapy. Approximately, 35 % of patients will ovulate on Metformin and weight loss only within 2 to 3 months of therapy. For those patients who fail to ovulate on Metformin alone, Clomid can be added at a dosage of 50 mg / day for five days. 80-90% of those patients will ovulate on Metformin and clomiphene therapy."
That's as good an answer to all the questions I have as any. If the 100mg dose fails, I will obviously not fall into the 70-80% of women. I know it's not even certain if I have to worry about it yet, but I'm a worst case scenario type of person. No harm in planning ahead, right?
27 February 2011
Trying Hard
I'm trying so hard to not be depressed this month. I've been using OPKs since CD 9, and it's not going the way I thought. I've had two lines consistently, and I feel like I'm having such a hard time figuring out what a positive reading looks like. I posted a pic yesterday in the forums, and pretty much everyone on ASA said it looked positive. I did another test last night, but it was lighter than the one I did during the day. Today's test was even lighter. I feel like I caught my LH surge at the tail end, if I was even having an LH surge. I'm not even 100% sure it was a positive....in any case, my LH definitely didn't surge high enough to make it a glaring positive, which makes me wonder if I even ovulated with it.
I just can't shake this sinking feeling that this month is a bust. I have this feeling I'll go for my blood draw on Thursday, and come Friday or Monday, Dr. Mixson is going to call me to tell me we have to try again. Although I'm expecting it, I don't know if I can handle hearing the meds have failed again. I'm trying really hard to not think about it, to just go through this month like it's nothing. But I can't help it.
Eventually my thoughts turn to what I would be doing had I not lost the baby. How big my belly would be, how we'd be calling him or her by name, how we'd be making up the other bed room with the crib and the changing table and the decorations, how I'd be gearing up for a baby shower that's mine. You would think after all this time it would hurt less, but it really doesn't. Sometimes it feels like no time has passed at all. I think about the day I saw those two pink lines and kept trying to get through to my mom because I could barely contain my excitement, and I have to choke back tears because the memory of sitting in that doctor's office hearing the worst news of my life comes rushing back.
I want nothing more than to feel that excitement again, to have that happy feeling back. Right now I'm just feeling discouraged...like I'm not going to get there any time soon. TTCing is the only thing that makes me feel slightly better about the miscarriage. It's just the failed clomid attempts just bring me two steps back. If I were ovulating consistently it might be a different story. But I can't even get my body to friggen work right, which is even more depressing.
I just need something to change, and preferably soon. I'm tired of being in this funk.
I just can't shake this sinking feeling that this month is a bust. I have this feeling I'll go for my blood draw on Thursday, and come Friday or Monday, Dr. Mixson is going to call me to tell me we have to try again. Although I'm expecting it, I don't know if I can handle hearing the meds have failed again. I'm trying really hard to not think about it, to just go through this month like it's nothing. But I can't help it.
Eventually my thoughts turn to what I would be doing had I not lost the baby. How big my belly would be, how we'd be calling him or her by name, how we'd be making up the other bed room with the crib and the changing table and the decorations, how I'd be gearing up for a baby shower that's mine. You would think after all this time it would hurt less, but it really doesn't. Sometimes it feels like no time has passed at all. I think about the day I saw those two pink lines and kept trying to get through to my mom because I could barely contain my excitement, and I have to choke back tears because the memory of sitting in that doctor's office hearing the worst news of my life comes rushing back.
I want nothing more than to feel that excitement again, to have that happy feeling back. Right now I'm just feeling discouraged...like I'm not going to get there any time soon. TTCing is the only thing that makes me feel slightly better about the miscarriage. It's just the failed clomid attempts just bring me two steps back. If I were ovulating consistently it might be a different story. But I can't even get my body to friggen work right, which is even more depressing.
I just need something to change, and preferably soon. I'm tired of being in this funk.
20 February 2011
Strange....
When it comes to Aidan, we've been blessed 100 times over. Yes, he throws the normal two year old tantrums, and he doesn't always want to listen to us. But for the most part, he has been such an easy child. I know this because I've seen firsthand how out of control a two year old can be. Even from the time that he was an infant, he was always easy. No problems breastfeeding him, then switching to formula and later whole milk. And he's always been a fantastic sleeper. As an infant, he started sleeping through the night at 2 months old. He's always slept in his own bed, no problems. Even now, he still naps once a day, and sleeps in until 8 am. Occasionally, he's gotten out of bed in the middle of the night and made his way to our bedroom, but nothing like what happened last night.
At 2:30 in the morning, Aidan woke us up by screaming bloody murder. We literally ran out of bed to see what had happened. He was standing in the living room, screaming and crying. Casey picked him up and tried to calm him down so we could put him back in bed. He was not having it, he kept pointing to the little red table that was next to his bed by the window in his room and yelling at us. I asked him if he fell off the bed and onto the table (because his bed is so high) and he told me no. Casey put him down and he ran to the kitchen pointing to the top of the refrigerator, still screaming and crying, trying to tell us something. He backed away from it like he was scared. Casey picked him up to show him there was nothing up there. When he did, Aidan looked confused. He quieted down some, but he was still crying. I felt so bad, I couldn't console him because I didn't know what was wrong.
He brought him into our room, and he stopped crying right away. Casey put him between the two of us, and Aidan took my hand and put it between his face and shoulder and fell right to sleep. But all through the night all he did was kick and jerk, cry and moan. Obviously he was not sleeping well. He finally woke up around 9 am, like nothing ever happened. It was the strangest thing. I know that he's sleep walks sometimes, but we can usually just pick him up and put him right to bed without him ever waking up. This was not one of those times, he was terrified. Never in my life have I heard him scream like that.
Just browsing online, I'm thinking it was a night terror. From what I've read, 80% of kids who have night terrors have a family member who experienced them as well or sleepwalking (my brother used to be really bad, and sleepwalking runs in Casey's family), and it's more common among boys than girls. I'm wondering if this has been connected to his sleepwalking. One of the articles I read described that night terrors were different because kids didn't remember them in the morning. We tried talking to him this morning, and when we first asked him if he had a bad dream he said no. But when we persisted, he said something about a bee and ran off to get a toy. So I don't know if he even understands what we're asking him, which makes this all the more puzzling. All I know is that I hope we never have to be woken up like that again.
At 2:30 in the morning, Aidan woke us up by screaming bloody murder. We literally ran out of bed to see what had happened. He was standing in the living room, screaming and crying. Casey picked him up and tried to calm him down so we could put him back in bed. He was not having it, he kept pointing to the little red table that was next to his bed by the window in his room and yelling at us. I asked him if he fell off the bed and onto the table (because his bed is so high) and he told me no. Casey put him down and he ran to the kitchen pointing to the top of the refrigerator, still screaming and crying, trying to tell us something. He backed away from it like he was scared. Casey picked him up to show him there was nothing up there. When he did, Aidan looked confused. He quieted down some, but he was still crying. I felt so bad, I couldn't console him because I didn't know what was wrong.
He brought him into our room, and he stopped crying right away. Casey put him between the two of us, and Aidan took my hand and put it between his face and shoulder and fell right to sleep. But all through the night all he did was kick and jerk, cry and moan. Obviously he was not sleeping well. He finally woke up around 9 am, like nothing ever happened. It was the strangest thing. I know that he's sleep walks sometimes, but we can usually just pick him up and put him right to bed without him ever waking up. This was not one of those times, he was terrified. Never in my life have I heard him scream like that.
Just browsing online, I'm thinking it was a night terror. From what I've read, 80% of kids who have night terrors have a family member who experienced them as well or sleepwalking (my brother used to be really bad, and sleepwalking runs in Casey's family), and it's more common among boys than girls. I'm wondering if this has been connected to his sleepwalking. One of the articles I read described that night terrors were different because kids didn't remember them in the morning. We tried talking to him this morning, and when we first asked him if he had a bad dream he said no. But when we persisted, he said something about a bee and ran off to get a toy. So I don't know if he even understands what we're asking him, which makes this all the more puzzling. All I know is that I hope we never have to be woken up like that again.
16 February 2011
Here we go again
Yesterday I started my second round of clomid. So far, so good, no side effects as of yet. I know they'll be showing up soon though! I've already been having hot flashes thanks to the provera. I feel like I should be excited, but I can't bring myself to go there. I learned my lesson from last time, and I bought a 50 pack of OPKs and HPTs, that way I have enough OPK tests to use for the rest of the month, and enough HPTs to let me POAS to my heart's content lol. If this works, and I get a positive OPK test this month, I know I'll be using those little HPT tests come 7 dpo. But we're not even there yet, my first goal is to get a positive OPK reading at some point this month. Once I see those two lines, I think I'll be able to get excited.
So, for now, we just sit and wait. And pray to God that this dose is what's going to do it for us. The hardest part about this is not knowing. Counting days and taking pills, without the benefit of knowing if it's even doing any good. This would all be so much easier if I did know. But if being a Navy wife has taught me anything, it's knowing some of the best things in life are not even close to being easy, and usually, the most amazing moments are the ones you feel like you've waited forever for.
So, for now, we just sit and wait. And pray to God that this dose is what's going to do it for us. The hardest part about this is not knowing. Counting days and taking pills, without the benefit of knowing if it's even doing any good. This would all be so much easier if I did know. But if being a Navy wife has taught me anything, it's knowing some of the best things in life are not even close to being easy, and usually, the most amazing moments are the ones you feel like you've waited forever for.
11 February 2011
About time!
It's finally CD 1. I was beginning to worry that the provera didn't work and I'd have to wait 10 more days to start a cycle. I'm a tad bit nervous because we upped the dosage of clomid. I can already tell this month will be chock full of hot flashes and emotional breakdowns! But hey, whatever gets the job done, right? I've got a 50 pack of OPKs too, so hopefully I'll be able to tell if I ovulated or not before I go in for a blood draw on March 2. Geez, March 2....that seems like forever away! I've got plenty to keep me busy, so it should be here before we know it.
Keep your fingers crossed...I'm more than ready to have my luck turn around...
09 February 2011
An update of sorts.
Wow, I've seriously been slacking on this blog thing! In my defense, we've been busier than usual around here. And forgive me, as I can already tell from the thoughts running through my head, this blog might be all over the place.
Aidan is now going to nursery school twice a week for three hours at a time. It's great because it gives me time to run errands, toddler free, and it gives him a chance to socialize with kids his own age. So far he seems to like it. The first day I dropped him off, he didn't even blink when I told him I was leaving. He just kissed me goodbye and went on to play with the other kids. It's seriously hard to believe he will be three next month. I say it all the time, but I really mean it when I say, "Where did the time go? Where has my baby gone??"
Today was also another first: his first dental appointment! I put it off until he had all of his teeth, telling myself it's just mean to have someone poking around in his mouth when his gums are all sore. But now his two year molars are almost totally in, so there was no more excuse for me to not take him. I thought it was going to be worse than it actually was, which was a good thing. The office I took him to was great, and the dentist he saw was very nice (definitely nicer than anyone I ever saw!). You can tell everyone in there deals with young kids all day, every day. The dentist said his teeth look excellent and they'll see him back in 6 months.
He also saw Dr. Norwood today for his allergies. The zyrtec has been working better than the Dimetap. He swallows the tiny tablet like a champ every night! But we also added Nasonex to the zyrtec because he still sneezes and has a runny nose most days, especially in the mornings. Hopefully that helps. And we also finally got a referral to Nemours down in Jacksonville so we can hopefully have a re-circumcision done. He has a complete adhesion, and it's only getting worse. So both Casey and I felt it would be better to have it redone, and the sooner the better because I don't want him to remember it! But other than all of that, he's doing absolutely great.
On the baby making front, there's no news. I started the provera shortly after I found out the first round of clomid didn't work. It's been three days since I stopped the provera and I've still yet to start my cycle, which is more than frustrating. I need CD 1 to get here before I can start the next round of clomid, and I feel like I'm just stuck in limbo. I have a feeling I'll be calling the doctor for some advice. I'm not OK with just waiting around!
On the fitness front, I started a diet. The Biggest Loser online thing, is like weight watchers. I suck at it! On the plus side, it gives me a limit to stay in, and when I enter all of my foods for the day it tells me if I've stayed within my limit. The huge downside is I feel like I'm starving trying to stay within these limits! Also, the recipes they provide are usually gross. I've tried....and some things come out really great, like quinoa. But I miss being able to eat a whole baked potato. I miss cheese! I miss ice cream (although today I made a kick ass fat free banana sorbet at 108 calories per half cup serving) and crackers, and sandwiches. I have to admit...I'm not a veggie lover. I like spinach, broccoli, green beans, etc. But I don't ever crave them. I like to have them with my meals, not as a meal in itself. Add to that the fact that I haven't lost a single pound in over a week, and it feels useless. I know losing weight with PCOS is difficult, but it shouldn't be this hard, especially when I feel like I'm starving.
In all honesty, it's frustrating. I'm this close to asking to be put on metformin. Yes, I know I'll feel miserable. But at least when I paid attention to what I was eating and I was working out three times a week, I actually lost weight. All my hard work did something. And I'm thinking, maybe I might have a better chance at getting pregnant if I'm on a combination of metformin and clomid, rather than just one of the two. I don't know. Casey hated seeing me suffer through headaches, and the metformin pretty much made me feel like crap 24/7. I don't know if it was in my head but Casey hated me being on metformin so much, I think it actually strained our marriage. But between the provera and the clomid, I still get headaches. And at least on the metformin, I'd be less self conscious about how I look. The weight gain isn't the only thing that makes me cringe. My skin has gotten worse and the lovely hair growth is getting way out of control. Simply put: I'm unhappy, and I'm not quite sure what to do about it.
Aidan is now going to nursery school twice a week for three hours at a time. It's great because it gives me time to run errands, toddler free, and it gives him a chance to socialize with kids his own age. So far he seems to like it. The first day I dropped him off, he didn't even blink when I told him I was leaving. He just kissed me goodbye and went on to play with the other kids. It's seriously hard to believe he will be three next month. I say it all the time, but I really mean it when I say, "Where did the time go? Where has my baby gone??"
Today was also another first: his first dental appointment! I put it off until he had all of his teeth, telling myself it's just mean to have someone poking around in his mouth when his gums are all sore. But now his two year molars are almost totally in, so there was no more excuse for me to not take him. I thought it was going to be worse than it actually was, which was a good thing. The office I took him to was great, and the dentist he saw was very nice (definitely nicer than anyone I ever saw!). You can tell everyone in there deals with young kids all day, every day. The dentist said his teeth look excellent and they'll see him back in 6 months.
He also saw Dr. Norwood today for his allergies. The zyrtec has been working better than the Dimetap. He swallows the tiny tablet like a champ every night! But we also added Nasonex to the zyrtec because he still sneezes and has a runny nose most days, especially in the mornings. Hopefully that helps. And we also finally got a referral to Nemours down in Jacksonville so we can hopefully have a re-circumcision done. He has a complete adhesion, and it's only getting worse. So both Casey and I felt it would be better to have it redone, and the sooner the better because I don't want him to remember it! But other than all of that, he's doing absolutely great.
On the baby making front, there's no news. I started the provera shortly after I found out the first round of clomid didn't work. It's been three days since I stopped the provera and I've still yet to start my cycle, which is more than frustrating. I need CD 1 to get here before I can start the next round of clomid, and I feel like I'm just stuck in limbo. I have a feeling I'll be calling the doctor for some advice. I'm not OK with just waiting around!
On the fitness front, I started a diet. The Biggest Loser online thing, is like weight watchers. I suck at it! On the plus side, it gives me a limit to stay in, and when I enter all of my foods for the day it tells me if I've stayed within my limit. The huge downside is I feel like I'm starving trying to stay within these limits! Also, the recipes they provide are usually gross. I've tried....and some things come out really great, like quinoa. But I miss being able to eat a whole baked potato. I miss cheese! I miss ice cream (although today I made a kick ass fat free banana sorbet at 108 calories per half cup serving) and crackers, and sandwiches. I have to admit...I'm not a veggie lover. I like spinach, broccoli, green beans, etc. But I don't ever crave them. I like to have them with my meals, not as a meal in itself. Add to that the fact that I haven't lost a single pound in over a week, and it feels useless. I know losing weight with PCOS is difficult, but it shouldn't be this hard, especially when I feel like I'm starving.
In all honesty, it's frustrating. I'm this close to asking to be put on metformin. Yes, I know I'll feel miserable. But at least when I paid attention to what I was eating and I was working out three times a week, I actually lost weight. All my hard work did something. And I'm thinking, maybe I might have a better chance at getting pregnant if I'm on a combination of metformin and clomid, rather than just one of the two. I don't know. Casey hated seeing me suffer through headaches, and the metformin pretty much made me feel like crap 24/7. I don't know if it was in my head but Casey hated me being on metformin so much, I think it actually strained our marriage. But between the provera and the clomid, I still get headaches. And at least on the metformin, I'd be less self conscious about how I look. The weight gain isn't the only thing that makes me cringe. My skin has gotten worse and the lovely hair growth is getting way out of control. Simply put: I'm unhappy, and I'm not quite sure what to do about it.
24 January 2011
Test Results
Dr. Mixson just called with the results of my blood test. It seems my progesterone levels were not high, and it was very likely that I did not ovulate this month. Hearing those words was like a blow to the stomach. I literally got nauseous thinking of having to do this process all over again. Ten more days of provera, five more days of clomid that we don't even know will work, two more week spent in agony, waiting, waiting, waiting. More dreams of beautiful babies that (I feel) won't ever mine. Casey says it's better than if he called to say we'll never have another baby. And that's true, but it doesn't make me any less angry (at my body), sad (if only I hadn't lost our last baby), or incredibly let down.
I feel so foolish for getting my hopes up....for letting my mind trick my body into thinking the clomid worked and that we even had a chance. Everyone always scolds me for not being optimistic, for always seeing the glass half empty. Well, if all I'm rewarded with is a nice dose of disappointment, then I'd rather be the pessimist and prepare for the worst. At least then, I won't have to come crashing down from that hopeful high. At least then, I can brace myself for the hurt when reality slaps me in the face. You can balk at the idea of always being so negative, but I'm telling you from experience, being let down hurts a lot less when your hopes weren't up to begin with. I learned that a long time ago.
I know it's not over and I know we still have chances to try again. I get that. But it doesn't make me feel any less of a failure, and it doesn't make me hate my body any less. I can't ovulate on my own. My body is so screwed up, even a simple dose of clomid won't fix it. I don't even know what it's going to take to even give us a shot at getting pregnant again. I hate feeling like, if I didn't have all these problems from PCOS, we might still be pregnant. I hate knowing that I want nothing more than to have another baby, but I can't because of me and my body. I am what's wrong with this picture. So yeah, we can try all we want to, but I'll never escape the fact that I am the problem and it's my fault. How can I not be angry, frustrated, and hurt just thinking about that?
I feel so foolish for getting my hopes up....for letting my mind trick my body into thinking the clomid worked and that we even had a chance. Everyone always scolds me for not being optimistic, for always seeing the glass half empty. Well, if all I'm rewarded with is a nice dose of disappointment, then I'd rather be the pessimist and prepare for the worst. At least then, I won't have to come crashing down from that hopeful high. At least then, I can brace myself for the hurt when reality slaps me in the face. You can balk at the idea of always being so negative, but I'm telling you from experience, being let down hurts a lot less when your hopes weren't up to begin with. I learned that a long time ago.
I know it's not over and I know we still have chances to try again. I get that. But it doesn't make me feel any less of a failure, and it doesn't make me hate my body any less. I can't ovulate on my own. My body is so screwed up, even a simple dose of clomid won't fix it. I don't even know what it's going to take to even give us a shot at getting pregnant again. I hate feeling like, if I didn't have all these problems from PCOS, we might still be pregnant. I hate knowing that I want nothing more than to have another baby, but I can't because of me and my body. I am what's wrong with this picture. So yeah, we can try all we want to, but I'll never escape the fact that I am the problem and it's my fault. How can I not be angry, frustrated, and hurt just thinking about that?
Baby Dreams
I had the best dream this morning. It was actually pretty odd considering who was in it in the beginning (some people I knew from HS but haven't spoken to in forever). But the main point was, I was pregnant. At first I was seeing the positive pregnancy test, and then like 2 minutes later (dream time) I was in labor rushing to the hospital. I was supposed to have another c-section, but I ended up arriving in the nick of time, so there was no time for one. I pushed the baby out and it was a boy. A big chunky little boy with the cutest little face. I remember marveling at how good I felt, being able to get up and walk around that very day with no pain. I was holding my little one, and saying, "The people at this hospital don't know how to swaddle like they did in Guam." because his swaddle was a little loose. But I keep holding him and staring like I couldn't believe I actually had him. Even weirder, I couldn't pick a name. I kept calling him Braylen, and then I'd say, "No, no that's not right. Brayden?" I was trying to find a 'B' name that I liked. I was so in love, I just wanted to make sure the name was right. Just before I woke up, I was looking at him, studying his face and comparing him to Aidan. That part was so real, I had trouble remembering that it was just a dream as Casey woke up me up to kiss me goodbye before he left for work.
21 January 2011
Shocked.
Today has been a very busy day. I got up at 8, and anxiously got ready to go have my CD 21 blood draw to determine if the dose of clomid they started me out with was sufficient enough to make me ovulate. Even though I knew I wouldn't get the results I could feel the tightness in my head as my blood pressure rose. Not good, I know. I need to keep it under control.
Anyway, so I decided to run my errands to allow me to walk around...the only exercise I was going to get today since I had Aidan with me. I stopped off at Walmart and got whatever I knew the commissary wasn't carrying. While I was at it, I bought Aidan this huge yellow tube of mini M&Ms because he was such a good boy while I was at the doctor's and while I shopped at Walmart. I also knew it would last him through my short trip to the commissary, so it was a good investment on my part. I went from Walmart to the commissary...a 5 minute drive. I did my thing, and got everything I needed to get, no problem. And just as I suspected, the tube of candy lasted my entire trip to the commissary. Aidan ran out of M&M's just as we were about to check out.
I didn't have money to tip the baggers. And I always feel insanely guilty about letting them bag my stuff without leaving something. But I saw the self-check out was completely empty. I didn't know if I had 40 items or less, but there were a couple of regular check out lines empty. I decided, screw it, I would just check myself out, I wouldn't be holding anyone up. So I chose the bigger check out station, with the bags that sit on the carousel because I had a good amount of stuff to check out.
I started with my frozen goods because they were sitting on the seat of the cart (Aidan was sitting in the big part of the cart with the rest of my stuff). I start ringing up my items. Right away on my first item, the computer tells me that the weight for the item I rung up is wrong, and to please putt the correct item in the bag. I shifted the bag so that it sat on the metal part instead of sitting on the stack of empty bags behind it. So I continue to ring up the 7 boxes of kid cuisines I got for Aidan. I get to about the 5th box, and the computer tells me the weight isn't right, again. I wiggle the second bag I started on, thinking I was having the same problem. I try to scan the next box, and it won't scan. The computer tells me to please wait while someone comes to help me. Mind you, I'm at the station RIGHT in front of the cashier who's supposed to keep an eye on everything.
So the lady comes over right away, swipes her badge, and I go to finish ringing up the boxes. Then out of nowhere she stops me and goes, "Those aren't rung up, I need to take them out of the bag." and she starts taking the kid cuisines out of the bag. I'm like, "What?!?!". There's no way they didn't, I was paying attention, I know they rung up. So before I can recheck, she starts re-ringing them, trying to keep tabs on what's going up on the screen. She's all over the place, trying to count how many mac n cheese boxes I have and how many chicken nuggets and match them to the screwy items I have up on the screen. I'm like, "Ma'am they're all there." She argued with me and told me they weren't. I told her, "No, look, beef patty is for the hamburger, Chick bread is for the breaded nuggets, and cheese blast is for the mac and cheese." She stops for a minute and looks at the screen, and says "No, these aren't paid for."
At this point the few people there were in the store are staring at me, including the baggers who didn't have anything to bag. So I tell her, "Look, they're all $1.50. There are 8 items rung up, seven of them are $1.50. That's the five boxes I run up originally and the two you just did. Look at the screen there are seven charges for $1.50. They're not coming up as Kid Cuisine, they're coming up as the type of meal that they are." Finally, after really LOOKING at what I was saying about the screen, she says to me, "Oh, ok, I was mistaken, I'm sorry." And walks off.
At the same time, her manager had come over to see what the trouble was. He got there just as she was walking off, and she didn't tell him anything. So he's hovering over me, staring and watching everything that I do. I'm like are you kidding???? So I'm ringing up the rest of my items, keeping an eye out, making sure Aidan doesn't put anything in the bags that are already packed, because I can imagine how THAT would have looked.
I get everything all set, and the manager goes back into his office, when the lady goes, "You need to pay for those M&Ms." I just look at her...like do you seriously thing I'm trying to pull a fast one on you?!?!?! I told her he came into the store with those, and I could show her the receipt that was in my purse if she needed me to. By the way, in the commissary, they don't even SELL the giant tubes of M&M minis...they only sell the small blue tubes. You'd think if she worked there, she'd know that. Anyway, she tells me, "Oh, OK." That's it. No apology for making me look like a shady ass thief, no telling her manager that she was mistaken, nothing....just "Oh, OK." And people were STILL staring, like they couldn't believe I'd try to steal in front of my child. I probably wouldn't be so mad had people not stared. I was mortified. Not to mention I had the manager breathing down my neck, making me feel like they were convinced I was up to something. I tried to keep my cool, and didn't make a scene because I didn't want to draw even more attention to the situation, but I'm still really upset.
Needless to say, my blood pressure went right back up after that episode and I'm right back where I started.
Anyway, so I decided to run my errands to allow me to walk around...the only exercise I was going to get today since I had Aidan with me. I stopped off at Walmart and got whatever I knew the commissary wasn't carrying. While I was at it, I bought Aidan this huge yellow tube of mini M&Ms because he was such a good boy while I was at the doctor's and while I shopped at Walmart. I also knew it would last him through my short trip to the commissary, so it was a good investment on my part. I went from Walmart to the commissary...a 5 minute drive. I did my thing, and got everything I needed to get, no problem. And just as I suspected, the tube of candy lasted my entire trip to the commissary. Aidan ran out of M&M's just as we were about to check out.
I didn't have money to tip the baggers. And I always feel insanely guilty about letting them bag my stuff without leaving something. But I saw the self-check out was completely empty. I didn't know if I had 40 items or less, but there were a couple of regular check out lines empty. I decided, screw it, I would just check myself out, I wouldn't be holding anyone up. So I chose the bigger check out station, with the bags that sit on the carousel because I had a good amount of stuff to check out.
I started with my frozen goods because they were sitting on the seat of the cart (Aidan was sitting in the big part of the cart with the rest of my stuff). I start ringing up my items. Right away on my first item, the computer tells me that the weight for the item I rung up is wrong, and to please putt the correct item in the bag. I shifted the bag so that it sat on the metal part instead of sitting on the stack of empty bags behind it. So I continue to ring up the 7 boxes of kid cuisines I got for Aidan. I get to about the 5th box, and the computer tells me the weight isn't right, again. I wiggle the second bag I started on, thinking I was having the same problem. I try to scan the next box, and it won't scan. The computer tells me to please wait while someone comes to help me. Mind you, I'm at the station RIGHT in front of the cashier who's supposed to keep an eye on everything.
So the lady comes over right away, swipes her badge, and I go to finish ringing up the boxes. Then out of nowhere she stops me and goes, "Those aren't rung up, I need to take them out of the bag." and she starts taking the kid cuisines out of the bag. I'm like, "What?!?!". There's no way they didn't, I was paying attention, I know they rung up. So before I can recheck, she starts re-ringing them, trying to keep tabs on what's going up on the screen. She's all over the place, trying to count how many mac n cheese boxes I have and how many chicken nuggets and match them to the screwy items I have up on the screen. I'm like, "Ma'am they're all there." She argued with me and told me they weren't. I told her, "No, look, beef patty is for the hamburger, Chick bread is for the breaded nuggets, and cheese blast is for the mac and cheese." She stops for a minute and looks at the screen, and says "No, these aren't paid for."
At this point the few people there were in the store are staring at me, including the baggers who didn't have anything to bag. So I tell her, "Look, they're all $1.50. There are 8 items rung up, seven of them are $1.50. That's the five boxes I run up originally and the two you just did. Look at the screen there are seven charges for $1.50. They're not coming up as Kid Cuisine, they're coming up as the type of meal that they are." Finally, after really LOOKING at what I was saying about the screen, she says to me, "Oh, ok, I was mistaken, I'm sorry." And walks off.
At the same time, her manager had come over to see what the trouble was. He got there just as she was walking off, and she didn't tell him anything. So he's hovering over me, staring and watching everything that I do. I'm like are you kidding???? So I'm ringing up the rest of my items, keeping an eye out, making sure Aidan doesn't put anything in the bags that are already packed, because I can imagine how THAT would have looked.
I get everything all set, and the manager goes back into his office, when the lady goes, "You need to pay for those M&Ms." I just look at her...like do you seriously thing I'm trying to pull a fast one on you?!?!?! I told her he came into the store with those, and I could show her the receipt that was in my purse if she needed me to. By the way, in the commissary, they don't even SELL the giant tubes of M&M minis...they only sell the small blue tubes. You'd think if she worked there, she'd know that. Anyway, she tells me, "Oh, OK." That's it. No apology for making me look like a shady ass thief, no telling her manager that she was mistaken, nothing....just "Oh, OK." And people were STILL staring, like they couldn't believe I'd try to steal in front of my child. I probably wouldn't be so mad had people not stared. I was mortified. Not to mention I had the manager breathing down my neck, making me feel like they were convinced I was up to something. I tried to keep my cool, and didn't make a scene because I didn't want to draw even more attention to the situation, but I'm still really upset.
Needless to say, my blood pressure went right back up after that episode and I'm right back where I started.
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