Realizations

My intuition was right on target. Despite seeing more than one positive OPK, I did not ovulate this cycle. Although that was the news I was expecting, it's still hard...I knew the phone call was coming, and yet I still had that familiar lump in my throat. It wasn't until Casey got back from the supermarket and I had to repeat the information to him that the tears started falling.

We had a long discussion about the next step and how I was feeling. And I came to realize a few things that maybe I had been denying to myself. First: this process is depressing me. It's not fun, and it's definitely not the experience creating a baby should be. I want my baby to be created out of love, not frustration. Part of it stems from me feeling like I'm alone in this process. As hard as my husband tries (and I know he does try) he can't wrap his head around my feelings. Second: although I can rationally tell myself that I'm doing everything I can and it's out of my control, I don't feel that way. I'm still placing blame on me and my body, and quite frankly, I'm just angry with the entire situation. Third (and this is incredibly hard for me to admit): when we lost the baby, my husband and my doctor expected me to fall to pieces, but I didn't because I thought TTCing would make me feel better. I put all of my energy into planning on trying again and convinced myself Clomid was the answer, I'd get pregnant right away and I'd just feel better. Now, the only fix I had for dealing with what happened in October is making me feel worse than it is better. Casey says I have to let it go and stop feeling guilty but I just don't know how.

So....although I've come to these realizations, I'm not sure where to go from here. I do know I need to back away from a couple of things and work a little harder on getting myself together before my funk evolves into a full blown depression.