And in the blink of an eye...

Christmas is over!  I can hardly believe it....where has the second half of this entire year gone????  I have to admit I'm really not prepared for it all being over.  For the longest, I've had handfuls of things to look forward to...the halloween party, hosting Thanksgiving, road trip to NY, seeing old friends and my family.  My list has slowly yet surely becoming smaller and smaller.  And now the last thing left to do is to say goodbye to 2010, and prepare myself to ring in the new year.

I'm not one for making New Year's resolutions, but this year there is one.  Just one.  Being off of metformin has taken it's toll on me.  I've gained back all the weight I lost back in March and April.  My husband says he can't notice the difference, but I sure can, and I hate myself for it.  I'm sure the holiday eating hasn't helped, but I'm thinking of it as my last "hurrah".  Plus, I know for sure I'll never eat pastel again considering my grandmother only makes them but once a year!  Anyway, I know losing this weight is going to be hard work.  Sooooo hard, especially since I refuse to get back on the metformin (for now...if clomid doesn't work, I might have to revisit that option).  But hopefully with the hubby's support, I'll take off at least 10 pounds and have more energy.  I've always wanted to try kick boxing, and now is a great time to start!  I need to make this my priority.  No more being unhappy looking in the mirror.  No more excuses about the lack of child care.  No more feeling drained.  And no more throwing money away on outside sources of food (aside from the occasional trips to Wasabi...no way I'm banning myself from that place!).

So we'll start with a 30 day challenge in January to NOT eat out, at all.  And I'll join a gym that provides a tot drop so I have no real reason not to go.  I'm finally going to start taking kick boxing because I've always wanted to.  It's not going to be easy, but my resolution is to do whatever I have to do so that I can finally be happy with who I see in the mirror.

Good Friends

You know you have good friends when you don't see each other for long periods of time, but when you meet up again, it feels like you were never apart.  I definitely have that with a select few people, and I love to be reminded of it.

Wednesday, Casey and I drove up to Groton (where it all began!) and met up with some of the best friends I've ever had.  It felt so good for all of us to be in the same place at once...the first time literally in years.  But we all had such a great time.  I really wish I could have that more often, but it's hard considering we're all over the place.  Even still, it's nice to know what it is going to be like when we do finally get together again.  In my experience it's hard to find people you can build that kind of a bond with, and I consider myself blessed to have known such amazing people.

I confess...

If I see another pregnancy post I think I might hit something.  Usually I'm pretty good at smothering the melancholy feelings when I read one, but today I think I'm just too tired to take control of my emotions.  Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy for everyone who is expecting...there are a handful of women who have tried for so long and they really deserve this kind of happiness, really and truly.  But the honest to God truth is I'm not 100% healed from our loss.  I still think about what I'd be doing right now, getting ready to find out boy or girl, planning a nursery and visits from parents, going to doctor's appointments...I'm not sure I'll ever be totally fine with everything that happened.  And so it's usually a tough pill to swallow when I read certain things or see sonogram pics posted.  Today it's just especially bad.

I feel like I'm at standstill.  I'm not pregnant, but I want so badly to be, and yet I still can't bring myself to actively TTC....I actually think I'm dreading having to start the process all over again.  I know it'll all happen when it supposed to, I just feel drained just by thinking about it.  I hope, with the start of the new year, I'll feel like I can start fresh and I'll have a more positive outlook on the whole TTC idea.

'Tis the Season...

Greetings from New York!!!!  I have to say this is the first time I've been able to just stop and breathe in the last two weeks.  I was actually telling Casey that the end of this year has come about ridiculously fast.  The first part dragged a bit thanks to deployment, but even when he came back in May, we had a nice slow summer.  But now I feel like we're being hurtled toward Aidan's third birthday and I'm not ready!!!!!  In a span of just two months, he started using more and more words, he graduated to a big boy bed AND became potty trained...I am NOT ready to be planning a third birthday!!!

Anyway, as I was saying...December so far has been crazy busy, especially this last week.  I was rushing to get my weekly assignments, a third project, AND my final done.  Plus we had our "Christmas" in Georgia, the command Christmas party, and start our drive to NY.  I feel like my down time has been minimal.  Even still, I did manage to find things here and there to enjoy.  We put up the tree early and decorated the house for Christmas so I was able to enjoy it all before we left for NY.  We got Aidan's train table put together so he had time to play with it (for a day) before we left, and Casey and I even had a little night out to ourselves (attending the command Christmas party).  And the trip up here was pretty smooth, so all in all, it's been a crazy couple of weeks, but it's still gone pretty well (better than I expected anyway).


In other news, I don't think I posted an update about our plans to return to TTC.  During the two weeks of insanity, I had a checkup with my OBGYN.  We talked about my cycles on metformin, and since it had been nearly 6 weeks since the D&C, I still haven't had a cycle on my own.  So he gave me an option.  I could keep on waiting, or he could give me provera and clomid to start that day if I wanted to.  I opted for the meds.  I don't think I can handle the emotional ride of waiting on AF to show up and taking pregnancy test after pregnancy test and possibly getting negative after negative.  I absolutely hated playing that game.  And I hate not knowing what my body is doing.  So I took the meds.

Those pills are currently sitting in my suitcase.  As much as I want to have another baby, I'm still trying to prep myself emotionally for another TTC trial.  Not to mention, I just want to enjoy my holidays...not stress over counting cycle days or remembering to take pills.  So we have the meds, I'm just waiting until just before we leave NY to start them.  When we do this thing, I at least want to be in the comfort of my own home.  Also, people have warned me that clomid makes you crazy emotional, and if that's true, I don't need to be in front of everyone dealing with that side of it too. 

So there it is.  We're flying toward 2011, whether I want to or not.  I'm just hoping these next few weeks in NY slow down a little bit...I want to relish in what might be my last snowy NY Christmas!