I'm trying so hard to not be depressed this month. I've been using OPKs since CD 9, and it's not going the way I thought. I've had two lines consistently, and I feel like I'm having such a hard time figuring out what a positive reading looks like. I posted a pic yesterday in the forums, and pretty much everyone on ASA said it looked positive. I did another test last night, but it was lighter than the one I did during the day. Today's test was even lighter. I feel like I caught my LH surge at the tail end, if I was even having an LH surge. I'm not even 100% sure it was a positive....in any case, my LH definitely didn't surge high enough to make it a glaring positive, which makes me wonder if I even ovulated with it.
I just can't shake this sinking feeling that this month is a bust. I have this feeling I'll go for my blood draw on Thursday, and come Friday or Monday, Dr. Mixson is going to call me to tell me we have to try again. Although I'm expecting it, I don't know if I can handle hearing the meds have failed again. I'm trying really hard to not think about it, to just go through this month like it's nothing. But I can't help it.
Eventually my thoughts turn to what I would be doing had I not lost the baby. How big my belly would be, how we'd be calling him or her by name, how we'd be making up the other bed room with the crib and the changing table and the decorations, how I'd be gearing up for a baby shower that's mine. You would think after all this time it would hurt less, but it really doesn't. Sometimes it feels like no time has passed at all. I think about the day I saw those two pink lines and kept trying to get through to my mom because I could barely contain my excitement, and I have to choke back tears because the memory of sitting in that doctor's office hearing the worst news of my life comes rushing back.
I want nothing more than to feel that excitement again, to have that happy feeling back. Right now I'm just feeling discouraged...like I'm not going to get there any time soon. TTCing is the only thing that makes me feel slightly better about the miscarriage. It's just the failed clomid attempts just bring me two steps back. If I were ovulating consistently it might be a different story. But I can't even get my body to friggen work right, which is even more depressing.
I just need something to change, and preferably soon. I'm tired of being in this funk.
27 February 2011
20 February 2011
Strange....
When it comes to Aidan, we've been blessed 100 times over. Yes, he throws the normal two year old tantrums, and he doesn't always want to listen to us. But for the most part, he has been such an easy child. I know this because I've seen firsthand how out of control a two year old can be. Even from the time that he was an infant, he was always easy. No problems breastfeeding him, then switching to formula and later whole milk. And he's always been a fantastic sleeper. As an infant, he started sleeping through the night at 2 months old. He's always slept in his own bed, no problems. Even now, he still naps once a day, and sleeps in until 8 am. Occasionally, he's gotten out of bed in the middle of the night and made his way to our bedroom, but nothing like what happened last night.
At 2:30 in the morning, Aidan woke us up by screaming bloody murder. We literally ran out of bed to see what had happened. He was standing in the living room, screaming and crying. Casey picked him up and tried to calm him down so we could put him back in bed. He was not having it, he kept pointing to the little red table that was next to his bed by the window in his room and yelling at us. I asked him if he fell off the bed and onto the table (because his bed is so high) and he told me no. Casey put him down and he ran to the kitchen pointing to the top of the refrigerator, still screaming and crying, trying to tell us something. He backed away from it like he was scared. Casey picked him up to show him there was nothing up there. When he did, Aidan looked confused. He quieted down some, but he was still crying. I felt so bad, I couldn't console him because I didn't know what was wrong.
He brought him into our room, and he stopped crying right away. Casey put him between the two of us, and Aidan took my hand and put it between his face and shoulder and fell right to sleep. But all through the night all he did was kick and jerk, cry and moan. Obviously he was not sleeping well. He finally woke up around 9 am, like nothing ever happened. It was the strangest thing. I know that he's sleep walks sometimes, but we can usually just pick him up and put him right to bed without him ever waking up. This was not one of those times, he was terrified. Never in my life have I heard him scream like that.
Just browsing online, I'm thinking it was a night terror. From what I've read, 80% of kids who have night terrors have a family member who experienced them as well or sleepwalking (my brother used to be really bad, and sleepwalking runs in Casey's family), and it's more common among boys than girls. I'm wondering if this has been connected to his sleepwalking. One of the articles I read described that night terrors were different because kids didn't remember them in the morning. We tried talking to him this morning, and when we first asked him if he had a bad dream he said no. But when we persisted, he said something about a bee and ran off to get a toy. So I don't know if he even understands what we're asking him, which makes this all the more puzzling. All I know is that I hope we never have to be woken up like that again.
At 2:30 in the morning, Aidan woke us up by screaming bloody murder. We literally ran out of bed to see what had happened. He was standing in the living room, screaming and crying. Casey picked him up and tried to calm him down so we could put him back in bed. He was not having it, he kept pointing to the little red table that was next to his bed by the window in his room and yelling at us. I asked him if he fell off the bed and onto the table (because his bed is so high) and he told me no. Casey put him down and he ran to the kitchen pointing to the top of the refrigerator, still screaming and crying, trying to tell us something. He backed away from it like he was scared. Casey picked him up to show him there was nothing up there. When he did, Aidan looked confused. He quieted down some, but he was still crying. I felt so bad, I couldn't console him because I didn't know what was wrong.
He brought him into our room, and he stopped crying right away. Casey put him between the two of us, and Aidan took my hand and put it between his face and shoulder and fell right to sleep. But all through the night all he did was kick and jerk, cry and moan. Obviously he was not sleeping well. He finally woke up around 9 am, like nothing ever happened. It was the strangest thing. I know that he's sleep walks sometimes, but we can usually just pick him up and put him right to bed without him ever waking up. This was not one of those times, he was terrified. Never in my life have I heard him scream like that.
Just browsing online, I'm thinking it was a night terror. From what I've read, 80% of kids who have night terrors have a family member who experienced them as well or sleepwalking (my brother used to be really bad, and sleepwalking runs in Casey's family), and it's more common among boys than girls. I'm wondering if this has been connected to his sleepwalking. One of the articles I read described that night terrors were different because kids didn't remember them in the morning. We tried talking to him this morning, and when we first asked him if he had a bad dream he said no. But when we persisted, he said something about a bee and ran off to get a toy. So I don't know if he even understands what we're asking him, which makes this all the more puzzling. All I know is that I hope we never have to be woken up like that again.
16 February 2011
Here we go again
Yesterday I started my second round of clomid. So far, so good, no side effects as of yet. I know they'll be showing up soon though! I've already been having hot flashes thanks to the provera. I feel like I should be excited, but I can't bring myself to go there. I learned my lesson from last time, and I bought a 50 pack of OPKs and HPTs, that way I have enough OPK tests to use for the rest of the month, and enough HPTs to let me POAS to my heart's content lol. If this works, and I get a positive OPK test this month, I know I'll be using those little HPT tests come 7 dpo. But we're not even there yet, my first goal is to get a positive OPK reading at some point this month. Once I see those two lines, I think I'll be able to get excited.
So, for now, we just sit and wait. And pray to God that this dose is what's going to do it for us. The hardest part about this is not knowing. Counting days and taking pills, without the benefit of knowing if it's even doing any good. This would all be so much easier if I did know. But if being a Navy wife has taught me anything, it's knowing some of the best things in life are not even close to being easy, and usually, the most amazing moments are the ones you feel like you've waited forever for.
So, for now, we just sit and wait. And pray to God that this dose is what's going to do it for us. The hardest part about this is not knowing. Counting days and taking pills, without the benefit of knowing if it's even doing any good. This would all be so much easier if I did know. But if being a Navy wife has taught me anything, it's knowing some of the best things in life are not even close to being easy, and usually, the most amazing moments are the ones you feel like you've waited forever for.
11 February 2011
About time!
It's finally CD 1. I was beginning to worry that the provera didn't work and I'd have to wait 10 more days to start a cycle. I'm a tad bit nervous because we upped the dosage of clomid. I can already tell this month will be chock full of hot flashes and emotional breakdowns! But hey, whatever gets the job done, right? I've got a 50 pack of OPKs too, so hopefully I'll be able to tell if I ovulated or not before I go in for a blood draw on March 2. Geez, March 2....that seems like forever away! I've got plenty to keep me busy, so it should be here before we know it.
Keep your fingers crossed...I'm more than ready to have my luck turn around...
09 February 2011
An update of sorts.
Wow, I've seriously been slacking on this blog thing! In my defense, we've been busier than usual around here. And forgive me, as I can already tell from the thoughts running through my head, this blog might be all over the place.
Aidan is now going to nursery school twice a week for three hours at a time. It's great because it gives me time to run errands, toddler free, and it gives him a chance to socialize with kids his own age. So far he seems to like it. The first day I dropped him off, he didn't even blink when I told him I was leaving. He just kissed me goodbye and went on to play with the other kids. It's seriously hard to believe he will be three next month. I say it all the time, but I really mean it when I say, "Where did the time go? Where has my baby gone??"
Today was also another first: his first dental appointment! I put it off until he had all of his teeth, telling myself it's just mean to have someone poking around in his mouth when his gums are all sore. But now his two year molars are almost totally in, so there was no more excuse for me to not take him. I thought it was going to be worse than it actually was, which was a good thing. The office I took him to was great, and the dentist he saw was very nice (definitely nicer than anyone I ever saw!). You can tell everyone in there deals with young kids all day, every day. The dentist said his teeth look excellent and they'll see him back in 6 months.
He also saw Dr. Norwood today for his allergies. The zyrtec has been working better than the Dimetap. He swallows the tiny tablet like a champ every night! But we also added Nasonex to the zyrtec because he still sneezes and has a runny nose most days, especially in the mornings. Hopefully that helps. And we also finally got a referral to Nemours down in Jacksonville so we can hopefully have a re-circumcision done. He has a complete adhesion, and it's only getting worse. So both Casey and I felt it would be better to have it redone, and the sooner the better because I don't want him to remember it! But other than all of that, he's doing absolutely great.
On the baby making front, there's no news. I started the provera shortly after I found out the first round of clomid didn't work. It's been three days since I stopped the provera and I've still yet to start my cycle, which is more than frustrating. I need CD 1 to get here before I can start the next round of clomid, and I feel like I'm just stuck in limbo. I have a feeling I'll be calling the doctor for some advice. I'm not OK with just waiting around!
On the fitness front, I started a diet. The Biggest Loser online thing, is like weight watchers. I suck at it! On the plus side, it gives me a limit to stay in, and when I enter all of my foods for the day it tells me if I've stayed within my limit. The huge downside is I feel like I'm starving trying to stay within these limits! Also, the recipes they provide are usually gross. I've tried....and some things come out really great, like quinoa. But I miss being able to eat a whole baked potato. I miss cheese! I miss ice cream (although today I made a kick ass fat free banana sorbet at 108 calories per half cup serving) and crackers, and sandwiches. I have to admit...I'm not a veggie lover. I like spinach, broccoli, green beans, etc. But I don't ever crave them. I like to have them with my meals, not as a meal in itself. Add to that the fact that I haven't lost a single pound in over a week, and it feels useless. I know losing weight with PCOS is difficult, but it shouldn't be this hard, especially when I feel like I'm starving.
In all honesty, it's frustrating. I'm this close to asking to be put on metformin. Yes, I know I'll feel miserable. But at least when I paid attention to what I was eating and I was working out three times a week, I actually lost weight. All my hard work did something. And I'm thinking, maybe I might have a better chance at getting pregnant if I'm on a combination of metformin and clomid, rather than just one of the two. I don't know. Casey hated seeing me suffer through headaches, and the metformin pretty much made me feel like crap 24/7. I don't know if it was in my head but Casey hated me being on metformin so much, I think it actually strained our marriage. But between the provera and the clomid, I still get headaches. And at least on the metformin, I'd be less self conscious about how I look. The weight gain isn't the only thing that makes me cringe. My skin has gotten worse and the lovely hair growth is getting way out of control. Simply put: I'm unhappy, and I'm not quite sure what to do about it.
Aidan is now going to nursery school twice a week for three hours at a time. It's great because it gives me time to run errands, toddler free, and it gives him a chance to socialize with kids his own age. So far he seems to like it. The first day I dropped him off, he didn't even blink when I told him I was leaving. He just kissed me goodbye and went on to play with the other kids. It's seriously hard to believe he will be three next month. I say it all the time, but I really mean it when I say, "Where did the time go? Where has my baby gone??"
Today was also another first: his first dental appointment! I put it off until he had all of his teeth, telling myself it's just mean to have someone poking around in his mouth when his gums are all sore. But now his two year molars are almost totally in, so there was no more excuse for me to not take him. I thought it was going to be worse than it actually was, which was a good thing. The office I took him to was great, and the dentist he saw was very nice (definitely nicer than anyone I ever saw!). You can tell everyone in there deals with young kids all day, every day. The dentist said his teeth look excellent and they'll see him back in 6 months.
He also saw Dr. Norwood today for his allergies. The zyrtec has been working better than the Dimetap. He swallows the tiny tablet like a champ every night! But we also added Nasonex to the zyrtec because he still sneezes and has a runny nose most days, especially in the mornings. Hopefully that helps. And we also finally got a referral to Nemours down in Jacksonville so we can hopefully have a re-circumcision done. He has a complete adhesion, and it's only getting worse. So both Casey and I felt it would be better to have it redone, and the sooner the better because I don't want him to remember it! But other than all of that, he's doing absolutely great.
On the baby making front, there's no news. I started the provera shortly after I found out the first round of clomid didn't work. It's been three days since I stopped the provera and I've still yet to start my cycle, which is more than frustrating. I need CD 1 to get here before I can start the next round of clomid, and I feel like I'm just stuck in limbo. I have a feeling I'll be calling the doctor for some advice. I'm not OK with just waiting around!
On the fitness front, I started a diet. The Biggest Loser online thing, is like weight watchers. I suck at it! On the plus side, it gives me a limit to stay in, and when I enter all of my foods for the day it tells me if I've stayed within my limit. The huge downside is I feel like I'm starving trying to stay within these limits! Also, the recipes they provide are usually gross. I've tried....and some things come out really great, like quinoa. But I miss being able to eat a whole baked potato. I miss cheese! I miss ice cream (although today I made a kick ass fat free banana sorbet at 108 calories per half cup serving) and crackers, and sandwiches. I have to admit...I'm not a veggie lover. I like spinach, broccoli, green beans, etc. But I don't ever crave them. I like to have them with my meals, not as a meal in itself. Add to that the fact that I haven't lost a single pound in over a week, and it feels useless. I know losing weight with PCOS is difficult, but it shouldn't be this hard, especially when I feel like I'm starving.
In all honesty, it's frustrating. I'm this close to asking to be put on metformin. Yes, I know I'll feel miserable. But at least when I paid attention to what I was eating and I was working out three times a week, I actually lost weight. All my hard work did something. And I'm thinking, maybe I might have a better chance at getting pregnant if I'm on a combination of metformin and clomid, rather than just one of the two. I don't know. Casey hated seeing me suffer through headaches, and the metformin pretty much made me feel like crap 24/7. I don't know if it was in my head but Casey hated me being on metformin so much, I think it actually strained our marriage. But between the provera and the clomid, I still get headaches. And at least on the metformin, I'd be less self conscious about how I look. The weight gain isn't the only thing that makes me cringe. My skin has gotten worse and the lovely hair growth is getting way out of control. Simply put: I'm unhappy, and I'm not quite sure what to do about it.
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