Trying Hard

I'm trying so hard to not be depressed this month.  I've been using OPKs since CD 9, and it's not going the way I thought.  I've had two lines consistently, and I feel like I'm having such a hard time figuring out what a positive reading looks like.  I posted a pic yesterday in the forums, and pretty much everyone on ASA said it looked positive.  I did another test last night, but it was lighter than the one I did during the day.  Today's test was even lighter.  I feel like I caught my LH surge at the tail end, if I was even having an LH surge.  I'm not even 100% sure it was a positive....in any case, my LH definitely didn't surge high enough to make it a glaring positive, which makes me wonder if I even ovulated with it.

I just can't shake this sinking feeling that this month is a bust.  I have this feeling I'll go for my blood draw on Thursday, and come Friday or Monday, Dr. Mixson is going to call me to tell me we have to try again.  Although I'm expecting it, I don't know if I can handle hearing the meds have failed again.  I'm trying really hard to not think about it, to just go through this month like it's nothing.  But I can't help it.

Eventually my thoughts turn to what I would be doing had I not lost the baby.  How big my belly would be, how we'd be calling him or her by name, how we'd be making up the other bed room with the crib and the changing table and the decorations, how I'd be gearing up for a baby shower that's mine.  You would think after all this time it would hurt less, but it really doesn't.  Sometimes it feels like no time has passed at all.  I think about the day I saw those two pink lines and kept trying to get through to my mom because I could barely contain my excitement, and I have to choke back tears because the memory of sitting in that doctor's office hearing the worst news of my life comes rushing back.

I want nothing more than to feel that excitement again, to have that happy feeling back.  Right now I'm just feeling discouraged...like I'm not going to get there any time soon.  TTCing is the only thing that makes me feel slightly better about the miscarriage.  It's just the failed clomid attempts just bring me two steps back.  If I were ovulating consistently it might be a different story.  But I can't even get my body to friggen work right, which is even more depressing.

I just need something to change, and preferably soon.  I'm tired of being in this funk.