So the first attempt at giving Aidan a sibling has apparently failed. I really thought we had a good chance this time around, but nope. I'm technically 12 days late, but my latest pregnancy test is still telling me negative. I've had problems with AF ever since I had Aidan. Probably because I'm heavier than I've ever been in my life....I just don't get a period unless I'm on the pill. So not getting it at all is not really a surprise. The crappy part of it has been, I've been so hormonal lately (PMSing if you will), that I'd convinced myself I really was pregnant. But with each BFN (big fat negative for those that don't know) reality set it, and I got more and more bummed.
I know that it'll happen when it's supposed to. I know that this isn't the end, it was only one month. And now that my husband is getting ready to deploy, I know I can take the time to really discipline myself and lose the weight that I need to lose so that hopefully my cycle regulates and ups my chances. But none of that logic and reasoning numbs the longing for another baby. I feel guilty about that as well. I'm totally and completely beyond blessed with the child I have now. But I can't help but just want. And I don't want to wait. I wanted my children to be close together, not 3-4 years apart. But the Navy has had other plans. I'm having to plan my family around my husband's work schedule. Another upside to being active duty military. The entire situation is just so frustrating.
So here I am, taking out my funk on everyone else. There is no point in explaining to family about how I feel, since I can already foresee the response: "You can try again." And I really don't want to hear it. I already know. I just want something to make me feel better about it, and I'm still coming up short with answers as to what that might be. Until then, it's put on a brave face and act like we weren't even trying in the first place.
22 December 2009
10 November 2009
Settling In
Just after I get into this whole blog thing, I go MIA. On the upside it was for a very good reason. My husband came home from his first deployment on the Georgia. Thank God it's over. Although, I find myself really trying not to look ahead and dread the next one which will be coming up here soon. I still tell myself I have time...but here we are making so many plans, I know his time here at home will be flying by. One more. Just one more and then we're looking at shore duty, that's all I have to keep telling myself.
Anyway, the bug is so enjoying his daddy. It's really sweet. Makes me want 10 more! Speaking of, we're about a week away from the official kick off of Operation TTC Navy Baby #2. AF will be visiting here shortly, so the first 2 weeks after that will be spent "hard at work" lol. I'm really trying not to get my hopes up. I try and tell myself it'll happen when it's supposed to, don't rush it. But since when am I to be the type that patiently waits?!?! Oh, that's right, I'm not. In any case, no amount of talking to from anyone will prevent me from being disappointed if Casey leaves for his next deployment and I'm still not knocked up. Rationally, it wouldn't be that big a deal, since I'll be due much after our PCS date (in case we end up having to move).....but we all know how rational hormones can be. Either way, I really hate that I have to work my personal life around the Navy sometimes. But hey, not for much longer, shore duty is right around the corner....
Anyway, the bug is so enjoying his daddy. It's really sweet. Makes me want 10 more! Speaking of, we're about a week away from the official kick off of Operation TTC Navy Baby #2. AF will be visiting here shortly, so the first 2 weeks after that will be spent "hard at work" lol. I'm really trying not to get my hopes up. I try and tell myself it'll happen when it's supposed to, don't rush it. But since when am I to be the type that patiently waits?!?! Oh, that's right, I'm not. In any case, no amount of talking to from anyone will prevent me from being disappointed if Casey leaves for his next deployment and I'm still not knocked up. Rationally, it wouldn't be that big a deal, since I'll be due much after our PCS date (in case we end up having to move).....but we all know how rational hormones can be. Either way, I really hate that I have to work my personal life around the Navy sometimes. But hey, not for much longer, shore duty is right around the corner....
20 October 2009
WTF was I thinking?!?!
I hurt.
I hurt badly.
Yesterday I had the bright idea of heading to the gym. Only I chickened out at the sight of all those cars in the parking lot. Lame, I know. But I really have this thing about working out in front of other people! Back home at club fit, they had a women's only area and it was WONDERFUL. Almost always empty and more importantly, no men to sit around and judge me. I know they're probably not even paying attention to me, but when I'm there, it's like I can FEEL all the eyes burning into me. I know I'm crazy, whatever, you have your quirks and I have mine!
Anyway, so never having actually gone to this base gym before, not only was I going into unfamiliar territory, but I was going during gym "rush hour"....LUNCHTIME. What the hell were all those men doing at the gym on their lunch hour anyway?!? So I looked at the track, and it was empty. Score, I'll just do my cardio outside. It was a beautiful 63 degrees out, the sun was shining and the wind blowing.
Now, in case you don't know me, I don't work out. I try. Really hard. But it's been a while since my last "try" and I'm sooooo out of practice. More importantly, I don't run....not unless there's a spider in front of me. So I had the bright idea of "easing" into it. I walked a 1/4 mi, and then I ran a 1/4 mile, and then I walked the curves and ran the straightaways, and then walked the last 1/4 mi. Bad idea. My legs hurt so bad I'm wobbling around here like I have a stick wedged up my ass. Not pretty, and not effective, because I can't even stand to walk from the kitchen to the bathroom. Yes, I've been holding my pee for the last hour because it hurts to walk. Ugh. Stupid exercise.
I hurt badly.
Yesterday I had the bright idea of heading to the gym. Only I chickened out at the sight of all those cars in the parking lot. Lame, I know. But I really have this thing about working out in front of other people! Back home at club fit, they had a women's only area and it was WONDERFUL. Almost always empty and more importantly, no men to sit around and judge me. I know they're probably not even paying attention to me, but when I'm there, it's like I can FEEL all the eyes burning into me. I know I'm crazy, whatever, you have your quirks and I have mine!
Anyway, so never having actually gone to this base gym before, not only was I going into unfamiliar territory, but I was going during gym "rush hour"....LUNCHTIME. What the hell were all those men doing at the gym on their lunch hour anyway?!? So I looked at the track, and it was empty. Score, I'll just do my cardio outside. It was a beautiful 63 degrees out, the sun was shining and the wind blowing.
Now, in case you don't know me, I don't work out. I try. Really hard. But it's been a while since my last "try" and I'm sooooo out of practice. More importantly, I don't run....not unless there's a spider in front of me. So I had the bright idea of "easing" into it. I walked a 1/4 mi, and then I ran a 1/4 mile, and then I walked the curves and ran the straightaways, and then walked the last 1/4 mi. Bad idea. My legs hurt so bad I'm wobbling around here like I have a stick wedged up my ass. Not pretty, and not effective, because I can't even stand to walk from the kitchen to the bathroom. Yes, I've been holding my pee for the last hour because it hurts to walk. Ugh. Stupid exercise.
Time to Baby Dance.....Well Almost...
In my head and my hormones really need to get in sync with each other. My head says we should really wait to try and have another baby until official orders, so we know if we have to move at the end of next summer or not. My head is telling me we should save up money before we get pregnant so we're not stressing over buying more baby furniture. My head is also telling me, wait until Aidan is potty trained so you're not drowning in diapers, and while you're at it, lost a good 15 lbs beforehand so you don't develop diabetes again. My head is annoyingly right on the money.
My hormones, however, have a different idea. They're screaming for another baby ASAP. They make me crazy, getting me all teary eyed when I see pictures of Aidan when he was a baby....making me feel like a jealous fiend when I see a pregnant woman, or hear about friends getting pregnant. I almost feel like it's a conspiracy, everyone is pregnant, everyone except ME! I want it so desperately...even though I know the desire to have another baby is intensified by hormones, I can't think rationally about it. Oh wait, I CAN think rationally, I just can't act rationally.
And so, it has been decided, my hormones win. If you're a female, and have been guilty of eating a box of cupcakes, or all the bags of candy you bought for the trick or treaters, you know....hormones always win. So after talking to my husband (who has no idea about hormones by the way....ugh, men, they have it way too easy), it has been decided that the ONE chance we have to get pregnant when he's home between deployments, we will try. If it happens, it happens, I'll be ecstatic. If it doesn't, then I will continue to torture myself with thoughts of pregnant bellies and baby names until next deployment is over. Time will tell. And if anyone wants to know, all I want for Christmas is a BFP.
My hormones, however, have a different idea. They're screaming for another baby ASAP. They make me crazy, getting me all teary eyed when I see pictures of Aidan when he was a baby....making me feel like a jealous fiend when I see a pregnant woman, or hear about friends getting pregnant. I almost feel like it's a conspiracy, everyone is pregnant, everyone except ME! I want it so desperately...even though I know the desire to have another baby is intensified by hormones, I can't think rationally about it. Oh wait, I CAN think rationally, I just can't act rationally.
And so, it has been decided, my hormones win. If you're a female, and have been guilty of eating a box of cupcakes, or all the bags of candy you bought for the trick or treaters, you know....hormones always win. So after talking to my husband (who has no idea about hormones by the way....ugh, men, they have it way too easy), it has been decided that the ONE chance we have to get pregnant when he's home between deployments, we will try. If it happens, it happens, I'll be ecstatic. If it doesn't, then I will continue to torture myself with thoughts of pregnant bellies and baby names until next deployment is over. Time will tell. And if anyone wants to know, all I want for Christmas is a BFP.
First One
Myspace used to be hott back in the day. Now, not so much. I used to blog constantly, since I was a stay at home wife, stuck in Guam, with nothing better to do. After I had Aidan, my blogs dropped to a minimum. I'm thinking....I should start again. It was entertaining to me, and as one of my professors pointed out, I should really try and write on a daily basis to hone my writing skills. I figure, it can't hurt. So here I am. Back in the blogging business. I think it'll be fun....
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