healed

One of my best friends just had her baby boy. I was lucky enough to be there through most of her labor and the delivery. It was amazing and a little emotional because her husband is deployed. But it felt so good to meet her son and to hold a tiny little baby again after so long.

I figured this might be extremely difficult for me because our due dates were only one week apart. When we found out we were pregnant, we were so excited our babies would be born around the same time and we'd get to be pregnant together. And then I had the miscarriage, and that was it. I didn't know how I would handle having such a close friend going through a pregnancy, doing all of the things I was supposed to be doing, watching her belly grow while mine stayed empty. I really hoped I wouldn't feel the way I thought I would because she is such a great friend and I didn't want to lose that. I won't lie and say there weren't times I would look at her and wonder if my belly would be that big and silently smile my way through a pang of sadness. But it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Even still, I was unsure of how I would react to her delivery and the baby being here. I thought that might be where'd I'd fall apart all over again. I've only just recently begun feeling OK about NOT being pregnant (most of the time). I had my bad days, and I'd get all upset with the reminder of what should have been every time I got a sample of formula in the mail, or a notice for chord blood banking. So, I honestly was afraid I'd be slung right back into a depression after she had her baby.

But then the most surreal thing happened. Getting ready to wrap up a deployment, she was diagnosed with preeclampsia. She was alone here being told she may have to deliver her baby in a way she hadn't planned on. The only thing I could focus on was making sure she didn't feel alone. I can only imagine how hard it is to just want your husband by your side, and knowing you can't do anything about it. She held it together though and didn't cry the way I thought I might have. And after hours of labor, when her little boy finally came, all I could feel was excitement. She was a mommy now, and he is a beautiful little boy. I held him and fed him, and marveled over how tiny he was and how much his face reminded me of his daddy. There was no thinking about me or "this is what I was supposed to be doing" at all...until today.

Today is when it finally hit me, how close I would have been to having a new little addition to our family. And I don't feel the way I thought I would feel. It's sad, yes, but I don't feel the need to cry or feel as depressed as I was before. I think I've finally accepted it. It was an awful experience that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. When I was trying to work through it, I wasn't sure I'd ever fully heal or be OK with what happened. And I didn't think I'd ever stop feeling so alone in my grief. I thought it would be a bit more bittersweet than this, that I would be more upset especially after having held a baby that isn't my own. But there's just sweetness, no bitterness...a touch of sadness, yes of course, but mostly just happy that there is a new baby and that my close friend gets to experience the kind of love you can only feel when you're a mom. For the first time in a long time, even with being reminded of what should have been, I am OK. Better than that, I am healed.