Dr. Mixson just called with the results of my blood test. It seems my progesterone levels were not high, and it was very likely that I did not ovulate this month. Hearing those words was like a blow to the stomach. I literally got nauseous thinking of having to do this process all over again. Ten more days of provera, five more days of clomid that we don't even know will work, two more week spent in agony, waiting, waiting, waiting. More dreams of beautiful babies that (I feel) won't ever mine. Casey says it's better than if he called to say we'll never have another baby. And that's true, but it doesn't make me any less angry (at my body), sad (if only I hadn't lost our last baby), or incredibly let down.
I feel so foolish for getting my hopes up....for letting my mind trick my body into thinking the clomid worked and that we even had a chance. Everyone always scolds me for not being optimistic, for always seeing the glass half empty. Well, if all I'm rewarded with is a nice dose of disappointment, then I'd rather be the pessimist and prepare for the worst. At least then, I won't have to come crashing down from that hopeful high. At least then, I can brace myself for the hurt when reality slaps me in the face. You can balk at the idea of always being so negative, but I'm telling you from experience, being let down hurts a lot less when your hopes weren't up to begin with. I learned that a long time ago.
I know it's not over and I know we still have chances to try again. I get that. But it doesn't make me feel any less of a failure, and it doesn't make me hate my body any less. I can't ovulate on my own. My body is so screwed up, even a simple dose of clomid won't fix it. I don't even know what it's going to take to even give us a shot at getting pregnant again. I hate feeling like, if I didn't have all these problems from PCOS, we might still be pregnant. I hate knowing that I want nothing more than to have another baby, but I can't because of me and my body. I am what's wrong with this picture. So yeah, we can try all we want to, but I'll never escape the fact that I am the problem and it's my fault. How can I not be angry, frustrated, and hurt just thinking about that?
Oh Justine. Im so so so sorry. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that everything works out. Im here if you need to talk.
ReplyDeleteThis might sound a bit personal but - my heart sunk when you started to talk about the loss of your last pregnancy.
I know the feeling - with every negative pregnancy test after my loss - I hated my body more and more AND couldn't help but to think about the "What could have beens ..." Im here for you if you ever need someone to talk about. I battled with infertility for YEARS before I even got my first positive...just to end in a miscarriage. I know how much heartache this brings...and I want you to know Im here for you!
big hugs, justine. it's so easy to blame ourselves when things don't go as planned - you are not at fault though. I know me telling you this isn't going to change how you feel - but it's the truth.
ReplyDeletehang in there, take it one day at a time, and i totally know how you feel with the pessimism thing - I am very much a half glass empty person and no matter how I try, I can never become a half glass full person.
Justine, I'm so so sorry. Maybe just upping the Clomid dose will help this next cycle. And I know exactly what you mean about being pessimistic. Its a defense mechanism... we HAVE to do that or we'll just stay in a constant state of heartbreak.
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