Oh hormones...you kill me.

For a couple of days there, I was seriously afraid the Clomid dose wasn't enough.  I kept hearing about these hot flashes and mood swings, but I just wasn't seeing it.  Not until yesterday, anyway.  My last day of the Clomid treatment and the hormones just slapped me upside the head.  I know this because I fought with my husband yesterday...I mean really fought with him.  We've had disagreements, but I can count on one hand how many times it escalated to the point where one of us left the house in frustration and anger.  I'm not placing blame on the Clomid, just wondering if it had exacerbated the problem.  I probably would have been annoyed with everything that happened, but I don't know if I would have taken everything so personally, had I not had so much estrogen coursing through my body.

I feel badly that things got so out of hand.  I despise fighting with my husband...I can't stand to be mad at him and I hate when he's upset with me.  But I couldn't help it.  There was one point I was so filled with rage, I didn't know what to do with myself.  So I left.  I took the keys and took off to try and calm down.  I didn't want to break anything or act insane in front of my son, so I did the only thing I could think of.  Unfortunately it did not go over well with Casey, but like I said...I was more angry than I can ever remember being.  When I came back, I tried explaining what was wrong as calmly as I could, but it wasn't working.  I must have been drunk with estrogen, because hard as I tried, I couldn't articulate what the problem was, I could only yell and cry.  And you know how I know it was hormonal???  Because amid all of the rage and the anger, I looked in my husband's eyes and I was so sorry it had gotten to this point, I just cried.  From anger to sadness in 2.5 seconds.  Now tell me that isn't frustrating...especially when you're in the middle of an argument that has yet to be resolved.

Anyway, after I hopped off the proverbial emotional roller coaster, I took a minute to collect my thoughts and speak rationally.  We resolved our issue, said our apologies (we were both at fault) and moved on.  But all day today it's been nagging at me.  Hindsight is 20/20 and had my husband even mentioned hormones last night I might have strangled him.  But I can't help but wonder, how would it have gone if there was no extra estrogen floating around? Could I have kept a level head and just hashed it out reasonably like we always do?  I wish I could say for sure, but I honestly have no idea.

I don't know if I can handle monthly rounds of this kind of insanity, but I don't see any other option.  I suppose it could be worse...this is only the minimum dose of Clomid.  Godforbid they increase the dosage, I'll have to sequester myself to prevent creating another emotional nightmare lol.  Yet another reason for me to hope against hope against hope that this is it for us...this month is the month.