High Hopes...

WARNING: The contents of this particular post contain some serious TMI info. If you have a penis or are easily grossed out, you should probably skip to the last paragraph. You have been warned!

So today is CD 19. This whole cycle I've been keeping track of my BBT (basal body temperature, and yes that's different from the normal 98.6 degrees you usually run while awake), my CM (cervical mucus...see? told you, TMI!), cervix texture and position, and using OPK tests (ovulation predictor kits....basically a little strip you pee on which will tell you when you are about to ovulate). And up until yesterday all of this monitoring was not looking promising. On Monday, my OPK was so faint, I had just about given up for the month. I let Tuesday go by without doing anything but taking my BBT in the morning.

Well yesterday, I was laying in bed trying to get rid of the last of my ridiculously long lasting headache, and I noticed I was feeling pain in my right side. I had been kind of crampy Tuesday and Wednesday, but my body is so effed up, I ignored it. I thought, well maybe I AM ovulating late (clomid can delay ovulation). I wondered if the batch of ovulation test strips I bought were just junk. I remembered that I had an Answer brand ovulation kit still under the sink. So I got up, peed in a cup, and used both the Answer brand test and the regular strips I had been using to see if there was a difference in the two. The end result was this:

It looked good! Last month, when I didn't ovulate at all, all month long I had these consistent two lines that never really varied much from each other. But this was seriously different that my past experiences using OPKs. So I hopped in the shower and checked my CM and cervix position. Low and behold, the CM was slightly stretchy and my cervix was high and slightly open. I felt a small spark of hope start up in the back of my mind. Maybe I'm not out this month after all?

Well, today, I did an OPK test in the morning at 11:30 to see if there was a change. I wasn't expecting one, but this is what I saw:

NOW I know what an obviously positive OPK looks like. For the first time ever, I was able to look at the test and know without a doubt, it was positive. I've never had a test line (the left line) look so dark. And in person both lines were darker than the control line on both tests. For the first time in a long time I am actually hopeful that the clomid/metformin combo worked. I won't be sure until I see a spike in my BBT, but that doesn't happen until after ovulation, so I shouldn't see that until tomorrow or Saturday.

I know these aren't usually the kind of pink lines that women get all emotional over. But this entire TTC journey has been an emotional roller coaster for me: getting my hopes way high, only to have reality crashing down on me. And even if you don't understand it, just look at it this way: My body hasn't released an egg since I got pregnant in September. Which means that up until now, we've realistically had zero chance of even conceiving another child. For me, knowing that and having to deal with it...you can't help but be depressed and disheartened by it.

But this...this is what I've been waiting for, to know that we have a real chance at having another baby. And I know it's not the two pink lines I've been dreaming of, but it's definitely the first step in getting there.