In Limbo

Today was my first prenatal appointment, and it was one huge emotional roller coaster ride.  Unfortunately the appointment ended with feeling like I was in limbo.

First freak out of the appointment:  During the ultrasound I was watching the midwife's face as she was doing it, and she looked concerned.  Then she says, I have to call the doctor in here.  So I started freaking out and she says, "No no don't freak out I definitely see a baby, but I think I also see another one."

Enter freak out number 2:   It took the doctor a good (long) 2 minutes to get into the room, so the whole time I'm trying not to cry, trying not to freak out, wondering how I was going to handle two babies.

So the doctor comes in, and says, "No there's just one, that's just blood flow to the endometrium." and I was relieved....for all of about 3 seconds.

Freak out number 3:  He then explained that I'm only measuring 5w, 2d and I'm supposed to be around 8.  That's a huge difference.  He asked if there's any chance we could have conceived 3 weeks ago, and I told him, I guess, but I wasn't paying attention because we were taking a break from TTC until I could start the clomid.  He said since my cycles are so irregular, it's very possible that I conceived three weeks ago, and was still able to get a positive pregnancy test on Sept. 26th. 

I can't help it, but I'm still freaking out.  The midwife said the ultrasound looks completely normal for a 5 week ultrasound, and there's evidence of blood flow all around the sac which is a really good thing.  They took my blood to check my progesterone levels to make sure they're high enough to support baby development.  And then I go back in 2 weeks to make sure the embryo is still developing.  Even though everything looks good for now, still no heartbeat because it's too early, so no reassurance there. 

I have to keep going over it and over it, trying to talk myself into believing everything is OK.  I remember feeling extra frisky the week I went to the doc for the clomid, so I was probably ovulating.  And, I did have spotting about 4 days before I had the positive pregnancy test, so that could have been implantation bleeding.  But then I start doubting myself because my boobs were hurting so early in September and I hadn't yet ovulated or gotten pregnant, which makes me feel like there a possibility I DID conceive earlier and the embryo just stopped developing at 5w2d.

So now it's just a wait and see.  I'm trying not to think bad thoughts, and I'm trying not to be depressed, but it's just so hard.  DH keeps telling me not to stress over the lack of morning sickness like I had with Aidan because it's still too early. I honestly don't want to get my hopes up, just to be crushed.  And, if the worst case scenario happens I don't know how I'll be able to handle it.  It was so hard getting to this point, it's not as simple as "We'll just try again".  I just want everything to be OK, and I want nothing more than to have a healthy little baby.

I guess I just have to concentrate on getting through the next two weeks without getting too hopeful or too depressed.  I don't know how to just forget about it.  The midwife wants me to just act like I'm pregnant because I am according to the ultrasound.  But I don't know how to stop being so terrified that it'll all come crashing down on us.  They should be calling in a few days to update me on the results of the progestrone levels, and hopefully if that comes back normal I'll feel a whole lot better.  Until then, I guess I just have to find a way to preoccupy myself.