Oddly enough...

I remembered something today that I haven't thought about since I was pregnant with Aidan....

Five years ago, I went to see a psychic.  Before you scoff at me, let me just say it was all in fun.  I was contemplating getting back together with Casey, and my best friend and I were supposed to go out and see a movie.  Instead, on a whim, we saw a psychic and got tattoos.  Anyway, that's not the point of this story.  There are many non-believers out there, and there was a time I was skeptical.  But looking back, even now especially, I think the woman has a gift.

She told me many things that day.  Among them that I would be married to my soulmate before I was 24.  That I would be moving to warmer climates.  And that she sees four boys in my future, but that one of them wasn't there anymore.  She said she sees me suffering a loss, and that I would want to push my husband away and handle it on my own, but not to.  She told me I needed to lean on him and his support would get me through it.  Honest to God, that's exactly what she told me.

I remember when I was pregnant with Aidan, I was terrified I would miscarry because of what she told me...well not because of it, more that it would come true just like everything else did.  After I had a healthy little boy, I completely forgot about what she had told me.  Until today.  I don't even know why I remembered it, it came out of nowhere.

When I told Casey, he said, "You know what that means then, right?  That means we have two more boys coming."  That part of it is comforting.

I know it's not my fault and I know that everything happens for a reason.  But I still can't figure out how to handle it.  I'm trying really hard to not be depressed, to look at the "bright side" of things.  I'm trying to lean on my husband and let him help me get through this.  But every time someone calls to check on me, I just want to cry all over again. 

I'm not sure when I'll get back to feeling normal.  I'm going through the motions, but I just don't feel normal.  I have to remind myself that it's OK to take motrin for my headache because it can't hurt the baby, and I feel like crap.  In my head I know it's OK to take a maxalt for the pain in my head but emotionally, I can't bring myself to open the package.  When we have the Halloween party, I know I can drink, but I also know I won't be able to bring myself to do it.  I just want it to be over, but I don't know how to just...move on.