Devastated

First let me explain, this is extremely difficult to write.  But I don't want to have to explain over and over again, so I figured a blog post could help me let people know what's going on.

Last night I had some major spotting.  Didn't go to the ER though because it wasn't bright red and I was having only mild cramping (which is normal in pregnancy).  This morning I thought everything was great because it went away.  But mid-morning, I noticed it came back.  I called the doctor's office and let them know what was going on.  They asked me to come in right away.

I dropped Aidan off at Heather's (God bless her) and texted Casey about what was going on.  He surprised me and showed up at the doctor's office.  Together we waited to be seen.  Once they took me back, they examined me and saw I was not actively bleeding.  They did an ultrasound to check the baby.

I kind of knew it was coming.  She told me the doctor would have to come in, and I asked if it was bad.  She told me yes, there was no heartbeat.  She swiveled the screen around to show me.  I could see my teeny baby, but no heartbeat.  My heart broke into a million pieces.

I don't really know what to do with myself.  All I can think about is how much I loved this little bean and how excited I was to be a mom again.  And now I'm supposed to either wait it out or schedule a D&C.  I don't know if I can just wait around for this to really happen and go through the pain of it.  But at the same time I don't know if I can bring myself to have the procedure done.  For right now I can't make that decision.

I'm just thankful that I have great friends who know what I'm going through.  And now more than ever, so thankful for my husband who is helping me get through this.  Right now I'm just going to try and focus on my boys (Casey and Aidan) who need me to not slip into a funk, while still trying to find a way to grieve for our loss.  So please don't take it personal if you find out through word of mouth, or this blog.  It's just not an easy thing to have to repeat over and over again.