Just Starting

OK.  Forgive me if I have any huge spelling errors or if reading this is hard to understand, as I'm still feeling the effects of the anesthesia.

I went to the hospital this morning to have the D&C done.  Everyone was really nice, and I wasn't too nervous by the time I had gotten there.  I met the other doctor, Dr. DiLorenzo, since my doctor was out of town, and she was great.  I guess the whole thing took about 15 minutes...it took longer for me to wake up than it did to complete the whole procedure. 

Going into it I was just numb.  I knew what I was going in there for, and I wasn't exactly happy.  When the doctor was talking to me, she said usually the reason a missed miscarriage occurs is because of chromosomal abnormalities, which I understood.  And then she said the probability of this happening again was so slim.  It made me cry though, because I couldn't believe I was having to do this even once.  I don't even want to face having to do this again.

Anyway, once in the OR, I remember then trying to warm me up because I was freezing.  Then I freaked out because there was pain in my arm...I guess the anesthesia hurts when it enters your system.  I asked the doc if that was normal and I remember him saying, "Yes it's OK, don't worry you're going to be fine." and then, nothing.  Next thing I know I'm waking up next to a nurse and I asked her if it was over.  She said yes and gave me some demerol for the pain.  When she walked out to get Casey it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks:  Our baby was really gone.  And so I cried, again.

You would think I would have been prepared for that feeling but I really wasn't.  There's no words to describe how badly that hurt...it was almost as if I was finding it out for the first time.  Even now, 7 hours later, I'm still struggling not to cry.  I still can't wrap my head around all of this.  I can't even contemplate trying again.  I know I was only weeks pregnant, but I feel like I lost this big piece of myself.  And every time I forget about it and go on with some menial task, I'm reminded by a TV commercial, or a FB post, or the sight of tampons under the sink about what we lost.  I don't know how I expected to feel, but it wasn't this.  I thought the relief of having it over would be great.  But instead, I feel like the hurt is just starting and I have no idea when it's going to stop.