My forever didn't start in the traditional way. Usually, there's a dating period, a living together period before getting engaged, the engagement period, and then the long awaited nuptials. The happy couple celebrate with their close friends and families, and set off for a romantic getaway on some secluded resort with picturesque views. It's like a formula, you go from A to B, from B to C, so on and so forth. Every young girl pictures this sequence of events, planning details along the way. I was no different, I knew exactly how it would all go down. Only, I couldn't have been more wrong.
In December of 2003 I met a guy in uniform. No big deal, it wasn't supposed to be a serious thing. I was single for the first time in a long time, and I all I cared about was having fun, not falling in love. Not to mention, all my other friends were dating Navy guys, so why not have a little fling? We never really talked about it but the understanding was, once schooling was over he would move on and so would I. But then...it got complicated. We fell for each other pretty hard. Five months later, when the time came and his orders to Guam showed up, I found that it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be to end it. I really had to think about what I was doing. If we ended it, I would always be wondering about what could have been. But if we tried, I would at least know...even if we failed, I could always take comfort in knowing we gave it a shot. By the time my boyfriend left for Guam and we said our final goodbyes, we had been together for 6 months. Only 6 months, and saying goodbye was the absolute hardest thing I ever had to do, probably because I didn't know if I'd ever see him again. We made it another 6 months of long distance "dating" before it all fell apart. I knew the odds were against us, but even still, I was crushed.
Fast forward to November of 2005. I ran to Louisiana to marry that same guy, a man I hadn't laid eyes on in 15 months. For 8 of those months we weren't dating or even talking. We started our relationship back up over the phone while living on opposite sides of the world. We made plans to get married that same way. I kept it a secret from most of my friends and family, partly because I didn't know (and didn't want to know) what they would say, and partly because I couldn't believe it was real. The night before I left for Louisiana, I was nervous, I don't think I slept at all. I don't even think it had sunk in that I was getting ready to go get married. I took the first 6 am flight out of Rhode Island and flew to where my future husband was waiting. All kinds of things were going on in my head...would he still think I was beautiful? What if he changed? What if he thought I changed? What if I see him and all my feelings disappear?? I was a wreck, I wasn't even sure how my legs were going to carry me off that plane. But somehow, I managed to get off the plane and walk what seemed like a mile from the tarmac to the airport where he was waiting inside. When the doors opened, I saw him standing there so incredibly handsome in his dress blues. My knees got weaker, but I managed to walk up to him. He put his arms around me, burying my head in his chest. I smelled that familiar smell, and I was done. However unconventional, this was right, he was the one for me. Standing in the tiny Alexandria airport with a handful of strangers watching and wondering, I was on the proverbial cloud 9.
The next night he had me get all dressed up and took me to a nice restaurant. He had planned it all out. There was a single table on the patio, under the stars, right in front of the fountain. We sat down, and as I was studying the menu, I looked up to see Casey on one knee next to me, asking me to marry him. He was giving me a little piece of what I had envisioned for myself: a romantic proposal. I will always appreciate that he treated that night as if he were asking me for the first time.
A few days later we were in a courthouse, with no one around but the people that truly mattered, saying our vows for the first time. I giggled through the entire ceremony, still not quite believing it was real. We spent a few more days together as husband and wife, and went our separate ways. Oddly enough, I didn't cry saying goodbye to him that time. I knew I'd be seeing him again. I flew back home, and came clean with my friends and family. People could call me crazy if they wanted, I knew what we had done was right for us.
The first year of marriage was lived out through e-mails, phone calls, and week long visit to see him in Guam. In that first year, we spent a whopping 34 non-consecutive days with each other. No doubt the best 34 days I ever had during that year. It was hard, but it made me realize just how much this marriage meant to me. As I walked down the aisle to meet my already husband when we renewed our vows on October 29, 2006, I did not giggle. The swell of emotions knowing that I was getting ready to leave all my friends and family behind to be with this amazing man was overwhelming. Everything I'd been waiting for was here. I couldn't help but cry as we read the new and personal vows that we wrote to each other. Even though we were already married, it was still perfect.
Things now are not how I pictured my marriage to be when I was younger. I say goodbye to my husband more than I would like. Sometimes I have to be mommy and daddy to our little boy. I have to trust that my husband will come home safe after every deployment and that we will be able to pick up from where we left off. We've missed anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays. There have been times where I hated this life and all the time we missed out on. But I would never change it. We may not have the kind of marriage I pictured, but I love him more than I ever imagined I could. Six years into our forever, and I know there will be rough patches down the road. I know we will have to say goodbye, that we'll spend too much time missing each other, and become frustrated at trying to work around the Navy's schedule. But I look forward to the homecomings, the sweet hellos and first kisses, every holiday spent together, seeing our family grow, and all the nights I'm lucky enough to fall asleep in his arms. I look forward to being loved and to loving him more as the years pass.
As hard it might be sometimes, I love you Casey, and it will always be worth it.
16 November 2011
02 November 2011
Helllloooooo Second Trimester!
Tomorrow I turn 13 weeks, which means I'm knocking on the door to my second trimester! I'm so happy to have made it this far...I can rest a bit easier since chances of m/c drop significantly after 13 weeks.
I had my 4 week checkup today. I didn't see my regular doctor, but a student who is working with the doctor and midwife at the practice. She was very nice so I didn't mind seeing her at all. I gave her my list of complaints, reasons why I thought my synthroid wasn't working as well, and asked about fioricet. She said that because I have a history of migraines, it would be a good idea to see a neurologist because having a headache every day is not just because of the pregnancy. So I'll have to go back to my primary physician to get that referral put in. And they said it was too early to test my thyroid again because 4 weeks ago it was 2.6 (YAY!). However, because of my complaints they'll be checking the levels again in 4 weeks just to make sure I'm still good.
Otherwise, everything looks OK...BP was a bit high 136/80, but then again I've been battling a headache for the better part of 2 weeks so I wasn't surprised. Baby's HR was in the 130s and she found it right in the spot where I've been feeling all the flutters. I lost 4 lbs...no clue how I lost weight since I've been great in giving into my insane cravings (i.e. downing two kickin coney hotdogs from sonic like it's my job lol). I think a lot of it has to do with my loss of appetite...by the time dinner comes, I literally have to force myself to eat (one of the reasons I thought my synthroid needed to be increased). They're also weaning me off metformin, so that's one less pill I have to worry about every day! My next appointment is November 30. I will also be making an appointment at the 3D sonogram place for December 2 to find out the gender of the baby. Casey won't be here for my 20 week growth scan, and I really wanted him to be with me when we found out boy or girl. So, one month from today, we'll be doing a short 2D ultrasound package to find out if the baby is Jackson or if we will be fighting about girl names from here straight until May.
Also, I think I did come to the decision about how I'll be giving birth. The hospital policy here is to perform a c-section rather than push for a VBAC. However, my doctor's office said that if I want a VBAC, they would send me out for a VBAC consult around my 28 week mark. If that comes back OK, then I would just come to the local hospital, and tell them that I refuse a c-section. She said that there are risks, and they will make me sign forms acknowledging those risks, but I have the right to refuse a c-section. SO, if I want a VBAC, I can still use this local hospital (which is so convenient because it's literally 5 minutes from my house). I know I swore when I witnessed Paxton's birth I'd never do it, but a big part of me is saying not to worry about the pain it'll be easier to recover from. I remember then massaging my uterus after my c-section with Aidan because they thought I was hemorrhaging, and there's probably nothing more painful than that (I almost passed out from the pain). I know this means we'll be waiting around for me to go into labor, but I really think that's the route I'm going to take. I'm less nervous about doing it that way, than opting for a spinal block and letting them cut me open while I lay there worrying that the feeling is going to return and I'll feel them sewing me up.
That's about it. I was very happy to hear baby's heart beat because I can't always find it with my doppler at home. But she found it right where I usually do, and where I've been feeling all my little flutters. I can't wait for December 2 so I can finally start saying he or she. But if November goes by anywhere near as fast as October did, it'll be here before I know it!
I had my 4 week checkup today. I didn't see my regular doctor, but a student who is working with the doctor and midwife at the practice. She was very nice so I didn't mind seeing her at all. I gave her my list of complaints, reasons why I thought my synthroid wasn't working as well, and asked about fioricet. She said that because I have a history of migraines, it would be a good idea to see a neurologist because having a headache every day is not just because of the pregnancy. So I'll have to go back to my primary physician to get that referral put in. And they said it was too early to test my thyroid again because 4 weeks ago it was 2.6 (YAY!). However, because of my complaints they'll be checking the levels again in 4 weeks just to make sure I'm still good.
Otherwise, everything looks OK...BP was a bit high 136/80, but then again I've been battling a headache for the better part of 2 weeks so I wasn't surprised. Baby's HR was in the 130s and she found it right in the spot where I've been feeling all the flutters. I lost 4 lbs...no clue how I lost weight since I've been great in giving into my insane cravings (i.e. downing two kickin coney hotdogs from sonic like it's my job lol). I think a lot of it has to do with my loss of appetite...by the time dinner comes, I literally have to force myself to eat (one of the reasons I thought my synthroid needed to be increased). They're also weaning me off metformin, so that's one less pill I have to worry about every day! My next appointment is November 30. I will also be making an appointment at the 3D sonogram place for December 2 to find out the gender of the baby. Casey won't be here for my 20 week growth scan, and I really wanted him to be with me when we found out boy or girl. So, one month from today, we'll be doing a short 2D ultrasound package to find out if the baby is Jackson or if we will be fighting about girl names from here straight until May.
Also, I think I did come to the decision about how I'll be giving birth. The hospital policy here is to perform a c-section rather than push for a VBAC. However, my doctor's office said that if I want a VBAC, they would send me out for a VBAC consult around my 28 week mark. If that comes back OK, then I would just come to the local hospital, and tell them that I refuse a c-section. She said that there are risks, and they will make me sign forms acknowledging those risks, but I have the right to refuse a c-section. SO, if I want a VBAC, I can still use this local hospital (which is so convenient because it's literally 5 minutes from my house). I know I swore when I witnessed Paxton's birth I'd never do it, but a big part of me is saying not to worry about the pain it'll be easier to recover from. I remember then massaging my uterus after my c-section with Aidan because they thought I was hemorrhaging, and there's probably nothing more painful than that (I almost passed out from the pain). I know this means we'll be waiting around for me to go into labor, but I really think that's the route I'm going to take. I'm less nervous about doing it that way, than opting for a spinal block and letting them cut me open while I lay there worrying that the feeling is going to return and I'll feel them sewing me up.
That's about it. I was very happy to hear baby's heart beat because I can't always find it with my doppler at home. But she found it right where I usually do, and where I've been feeling all my little flutters. I can't wait for December 2 so I can finally start saying he or she. But if November goes by anywhere near as fast as October did, it'll be here before I know it!
15 October 2011
Trip to the ER
***Warning, this may be TMI***
Well, we've had our first official scare with this pregnancy. Earlier today, I went to the bathroom, and noticed the toilet water had turned red. It stayed bright red with about three wipes, and then turned brown. I spotted frequently with Aidan, but this was unlike anything I ever experienced with him. First, it was just bright red blood, and there was so much. Then when it turned brown, all I could think of was what happened last year's miscarriage (I spotted brown). I'd been having minor cramps on and off the last couple of days, so I was really starting to freak out. I walked into the living room, trying to find the words to tell my husband what was happening and I couldn't. Luckily for me, he knows me so well, he knew just by looking at my face. We called my OB's answering service and I told him what happened and he told me to go to the ER. At this point I'm crying because I can't think anything but worst case scenario. Aidan, concerned that I was crying, held my face and said, "Mommy please don't cry, everything will be alright, I promise." No words for how much that melted my heart. After I calmed myself down enough to change clothes, we dropped Aidan off at a friend's house, and sped our way to the ER.
Once we got there, everyone was so nice. We were taken right away, thankfully. They explained they would take some blood to check out my hCG levels and give me an ultrasound. The doctor came in and took notes on what I was experiencing and told me that we would have to wait a bit for them to call someone in to do an ultrasound (apparently they don't work on weekends). After about an hour, a woman came to take me to do an ultrasound. They wouldn't let Casey come with me, which was hard on both of us. We were both so worried, and he was pretty much keeping me together. If I was going to get bad news, I would need him with me. But hospital policy outranked my wants, so off I went by myself.
The tech tried an abdominal scan first, and she was able to see there was a baby right away. She said she had a lot of measurements to take, but that there was a baby (she showed me on the screen) and there was a heartbeat (THANK GOD!). After that wave of relief I watched as she measured everything she could possibly measure. She measured the sac and the baby last, and they came back at 9 weeks 6 days, which is still within range of my 10 week 2 day GA based on my LMP. She measured the heart rate and it was 169, which is also good. She gave me two pictures of my little one to bring to Casey because she knew he was upset he couldn't witness the ultrasound:
In the top picture you can see the head at the right, and make out the eyes. In the picture on the bottom you see more of the whole baby with a head, belly, and four spots where his/her hands and feet are. It was such a relief to see my baby was doing OK. After the ultrasound, we waited another hour for the radiologist to give the go ahead to release me.
They have no idea where the bleeding is coming from. They released me with a diagnosis of a threatened miscarriage. It doesn't mean I'm definitely going to, and just because the baby looked OK, doesn't mean I'm not going to in the near future. So they told me to go home, rest, avoid any heavy lifting or strenuous exercise. My OB called while I was there and he was told everything that's going on. My hCG came back at 95,000 and that seems to be a good number for 10 weeks. I will probably have another draw on Monday or Tuesday, depending on what my Dr. wants to do. I feel a little better having seen the baby, but I'm still concerned about not knowing where the blood came from. It's not completely gone, but it has tapered off to just a brown spotting. Hopefully it just completely disappears. For now I'm just going to try and relax, and pray that I get some answers when I see my doctor. But I ask that everyone please keep baby bean in their thoughts and prayers. Hopefully this will be the only scare I have this time around.
Well, we've had our first official scare with this pregnancy. Earlier today, I went to the bathroom, and noticed the toilet water had turned red. It stayed bright red with about three wipes, and then turned brown. I spotted frequently with Aidan, but this was unlike anything I ever experienced with him. First, it was just bright red blood, and there was so much. Then when it turned brown, all I could think of was what happened last year's miscarriage (I spotted brown). I'd been having minor cramps on and off the last couple of days, so I was really starting to freak out. I walked into the living room, trying to find the words to tell my husband what was happening and I couldn't. Luckily for me, he knows me so well, he knew just by looking at my face. We called my OB's answering service and I told him what happened and he told me to go to the ER. At this point I'm crying because I can't think anything but worst case scenario. Aidan, concerned that I was crying, held my face and said, "Mommy please don't cry, everything will be alright, I promise." No words for how much that melted my heart. After I calmed myself down enough to change clothes, we dropped Aidan off at a friend's house, and sped our way to the ER.
Once we got there, everyone was so nice. We were taken right away, thankfully. They explained they would take some blood to check out my hCG levels and give me an ultrasound. The doctor came in and took notes on what I was experiencing and told me that we would have to wait a bit for them to call someone in to do an ultrasound (apparently they don't work on weekends). After about an hour, a woman came to take me to do an ultrasound. They wouldn't let Casey come with me, which was hard on both of us. We were both so worried, and he was pretty much keeping me together. If I was going to get bad news, I would need him with me. But hospital policy outranked my wants, so off I went by myself.
The tech tried an abdominal scan first, and she was able to see there was a baby right away. She said she had a lot of measurements to take, but that there was a baby (she showed me on the screen) and there was a heartbeat (THANK GOD!). After that wave of relief I watched as she measured everything she could possibly measure. She measured the sac and the baby last, and they came back at 9 weeks 6 days, which is still within range of my 10 week 2 day GA based on my LMP. She measured the heart rate and it was 169, which is also good. She gave me two pictures of my little one to bring to Casey because she knew he was upset he couldn't witness the ultrasound:
In the top picture you can see the head at the right, and make out the eyes. In the picture on the bottom you see more of the whole baby with a head, belly, and four spots where his/her hands and feet are. It was such a relief to see my baby was doing OK. After the ultrasound, we waited another hour for the radiologist to give the go ahead to release me.
They have no idea where the bleeding is coming from. They released me with a diagnosis of a threatened miscarriage. It doesn't mean I'm definitely going to, and just because the baby looked OK, doesn't mean I'm not going to in the near future. So they told me to go home, rest, avoid any heavy lifting or strenuous exercise. My OB called while I was there and he was told everything that's going on. My hCG came back at 95,000 and that seems to be a good number for 10 weeks. I will probably have another draw on Monday or Tuesday, depending on what my Dr. wants to do. I feel a little better having seen the baby, but I'm still concerned about not knowing where the blood came from. It's not completely gone, but it has tapered off to just a brown spotting. Hopefully it just completely disappears. For now I'm just going to try and relax, and pray that I get some answers when I see my doctor. But I ask that everyone please keep baby bean in their thoughts and prayers. Hopefully this will be the only scare I have this time around.
08 October 2011
9 Weeks!
I avoided writing any blog posts until after our first prenatal appointment. Not that anyone was missing much, since this pregnancy is already going much more smoothly than Aidan's did. My nausea is minimal, as opposed to all day, every day like I had with Aidan. I'm tired, but nothing I can't manage with a nap here and there. And the girls have grown to what I feel are massive proportions, which may be attractive to my husband, but it's just downright painful to me. Those are pretty much the only symptoms I have, so a tiny piece of me was worried that our appointment would not go as we were hoping.
But, good news, our appointment was wonderful! I was extremely nervous...it was like dejavu because this time last year I went to my first prenatal appointment and received bad news. Even the nurse who was taking my bp remarked on how fast my heart was going (sidenote: despite my nervousness, my BP was a phenomenal 110/70, so it looks like no PIH this time around!). My husband, however, happened to be extremely confident in the fact that I was still pregnant. He said, "Do you want me to prove to you that you are still pregnant? Let's go get pizza...buffalo chicken pizza..." On a normal non-pregnant day, I'd be all over it. For some reason though, this baby does not do pizza, not even of the buffalo chicken variety! Needless to say the suggestion turned my stomach and I got nauseous thinking about it. Even still, I was grateful he was able to put my mind at ease, if only for a few minutes.
Enter the doctor. He congratulated me on producing an egg all by myself (yay!). We went over what medications I'm still taking, and my past history. He did the physical exam and the whole nine yards, and then it was time for the ultrasound. I anxiously keep my eyes on the screen, and as soon as the wand was inserted, I could see a big black void with a blob. He readjusted the wand and there it was, my little jelly bean! He adjusted again and I could see his/her tiny heart flickering nice and fast. Here is a picture of my little bean:
Relief is not the word to describe that moment...more like complete and utter joy. I teared up a bit, thanking God that my little bean was doing great. After that I was on a high for the rest of the day. I think I called everyone I could think of to tell them we have a heartbeat! And amazingly, I am keeping my original due date of May 10th, because at 8w 6d, the actual baby was measuring 9 weeks even. I was worried that my irregular cycles would mean I'd have to push my due date back because I rarely if ever ovulate on CD 14. But luckily for me, I keep my due date and only have 3 more weeks left in my first trimester.
So everything went really well. I'm staying on the metformin until my next appointment on November 2, at which point they will start to wean me off. And I will be taking the synthroid throughout the entire pregnancy, which is good. Other than that I just need to relax, and try to curb my cravings for junk food. This baby LOVES potato skins! Until next time, here's a picture of the 9 week pudge. I wasn't this big with Aidan until about 13 weeks, but I guess that's what a healthy appetite and lack of nausea will do for you!
But, good news, our appointment was wonderful! I was extremely nervous...it was like dejavu because this time last year I went to my first prenatal appointment and received bad news. Even the nurse who was taking my bp remarked on how fast my heart was going (sidenote: despite my nervousness, my BP was a phenomenal 110/70, so it looks like no PIH this time around!). My husband, however, happened to be extremely confident in the fact that I was still pregnant. He said, "Do you want me to prove to you that you are still pregnant? Let's go get pizza...buffalo chicken pizza..." On a normal non-pregnant day, I'd be all over it. For some reason though, this baby does not do pizza, not even of the buffalo chicken variety! Needless to say the suggestion turned my stomach and I got nauseous thinking about it. Even still, I was grateful he was able to put my mind at ease, if only for a few minutes.
Enter the doctor. He congratulated me on producing an egg all by myself (yay!). We went over what medications I'm still taking, and my past history. He did the physical exam and the whole nine yards, and then it was time for the ultrasound. I anxiously keep my eyes on the screen, and as soon as the wand was inserted, I could see a big black void with a blob. He readjusted the wand and there it was, my little jelly bean! He adjusted again and I could see his/her tiny heart flickering nice and fast. Here is a picture of my little bean:
Relief is not the word to describe that moment...more like complete and utter joy. I teared up a bit, thanking God that my little bean was doing great. After that I was on a high for the rest of the day. I think I called everyone I could think of to tell them we have a heartbeat! And amazingly, I am keeping my original due date of May 10th, because at 8w 6d, the actual baby was measuring 9 weeks even. I was worried that my irregular cycles would mean I'd have to push my due date back because I rarely if ever ovulate on CD 14. But luckily for me, I keep my due date and only have 3 more weeks left in my first trimester.
So everything went really well. I'm staying on the metformin until my next appointment on November 2, at which point they will start to wean me off. And I will be taking the synthroid throughout the entire pregnancy, which is good. Other than that I just need to relax, and try to curb my cravings for junk food. This baby LOVES potato skins! Until next time, here's a picture of the 9 week pudge. I wasn't this big with Aidan until about 13 weeks, but I guess that's what a healthy appetite and lack of nausea will do for you!
08 September 2011
So far so good!
Well...I've been feeling pretty great! I'm still not sure how far along I am, but for now I'm going with the due date my OB's office gave me, which is May 10th. My first doctor's appointment is October 5th at 10:30 am, and they'll do an ultrasound to confirm a heartbeat. I'm trying not to think about it. There's a teeny part of me that's still a little scared, but for the most part I'm doing a good job of just staying relaxed.
Symptom-wise, I feel pretty good most days. There are days where I have no nausea at all and some where I'm nauseous on and off, days where I'm exhausted all day long and days where I'm fine. I've read it's normal to switch out symptoms this early on, so I'm trying not to stress out on the mornings I wake up and there's no nausea. And as much as I hate being nauseous and tires, I think I would be relieved to have consistent symptoms. I've also had some crampiness going on, but nothing severe. Every time I feel it, I just think "Grow baby, grow!"
I've been trying to talk to Aidan about it, but I don't think he quite understands. I ask him if he wants a brother or a sister and he tells me he wants both. Boy will he be disappointed! I think once I develop a baby bump, he might clue into what's going on. He saw Star's belly grow and he knows that's where Paxton came from, so we'll see if he makes the connection. I think he will be an excellent big brother. He does such a good job, using his imagination to play all on his own. But I see how he lights up when other kids come around and I can't wait for him to have a sibling.
So there's my update for now. Keep rainbow baby in your thoughts and prayers, and hopefully I will have fantastic news come October 5th!
Symptom-wise, I feel pretty good most days. There are days where I have no nausea at all and some where I'm nauseous on and off, days where I'm exhausted all day long and days where I'm fine. I've read it's normal to switch out symptoms this early on, so I'm trying not to stress out on the mornings I wake up and there's no nausea. And as much as I hate being nauseous and tires, I think I would be relieved to have consistent symptoms. I've also had some crampiness going on, but nothing severe. Every time I feel it, I just think "Grow baby, grow!"
I've been trying to talk to Aidan about it, but I don't think he quite understands. I ask him if he wants a brother or a sister and he tells me he wants both. Boy will he be disappointed! I think once I develop a baby bump, he might clue into what's going on. He saw Star's belly grow and he knows that's where Paxton came from, so we'll see if he makes the connection. I think he will be an excellent big brother. He does such a good job, using his imagination to play all on his own. But I see how he lights up when other kids come around and I can't wait for him to have a sibling.
So there's my update for now. Keep rainbow baby in your thoughts and prayers, and hopefully I will have fantastic news come October 5th!
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